February 18, 2005 6:44 AM
Here, have a kleenex -- it'll be alright
In response to my yesterday's blog, Suzanne #2 wrote:
Why is it so wrong for women to want to be more than just a parent? To the Suzanne who commented earlier who said: "Why even have children if you are not prepared to give of yourself?" Why do we have to give up all of ourselves, our total identity to be considered a good parent? Does it make me a bad person to want to continue fulfilling other parts of my life? Just because you do not relate to what at-home moms struggle with does not mean it is all in our heads. When I made the transition from working woman to at-home mother, it was like having a chunk of my identity cut out of my life. I love being a mom and I very dedicated to what I'm doing. The women I know are exchanging ideas, encouraging each other down new roads, and supporting each other's decisions as we try to fill that hole we can not always put our finger on. That does not make us bad or spoiled or mopy or whiny; it makes us human.
Well, yeah, being human is what it's all about, and human angst is part of our condition -- until we find spiritual meaning and purpose for our lives. My point was that men and children are human too and they have their own burdens to deal with -- including the inexplicable mood swings of the women in their lives.
And the incessant public whining. I find it embarrassing.
I have been a stay-at-home mom for 22 years. Ten years ago I began to write professionally and now have a creative outlet plus income which allows me to still be at home. But for 12 years I focused solely on my kids -- even home schooled them. Was it difficult? Yes. Did I experience frustration, self-pity, feelings of loneliness? Yes.
However, I'd begun to learn then that life wasn't all about me. I really loved kids -- that's why I'd trained as a Montessori teacher -- and I saw them as an investment in the future. Really the most important work I'd ever do in my life.
That's the thing, Suzanne #2 -- this is a brief season in your life. When your kids are leaving, you will hardly believe how fast it all went. The reward is looking at how your kids turn out. I feel very good about my investment.
And though I couldn't have known it then, I was being rewarded personally. As I sacrificed to give everything I could to my kids -- enriching their lives with trips to museums, theater, symphony (of course, you have more time to do that when you homeschool), my own life was being stretched and enriched. I continued to read and think and talk about politics and culture with my husband, friends, and -- as they got older -- my kids.
So even though it looked on the outside like my life was consumed by motherhood -- and it was -- inside there was a well of creativity being formed. When it came bubbling to the surface, I began to write. And because of the discipline of 12 years of putting others before myself, I actually had something to say.
It's all attitude. The other day, my 17 year old son Zach said, "Some people see the glass half empty, some see it half full, but when people ask me how I see it, I just want to know 'Where's my cheeseburger?'" He said that's not his originally, but I still thought it was hilarious. Mothers have great wealth around them -- in the hearts of their children, but many just don't see it.
I also think it's as simple as the game my kids play in the car sometimes: waving at people and seeing how they respond, "Sweet and Sour." Look, we all have bad days, but when the bad outnumber the good, we have to see that's our individual responsibility.
It's not about what we do. It's about the spirit in which we do it.
And one last thought: Because I was trained as a Montessori teacher, I can't help but see things from the child's perspective. And the impact all these whiney, negative stories on motherhood must have an impact on their tender spirits, must make them feel like burdens rather than blessings. That is just plain wrong.
Posted in Culture, Current Affairs, Family, Feminism, Homeschooling, Inspiration, Montessori, Mothering, Writing | Permalink
Comments
Thanks Barbara for pointing me to your blog. It was good to read that others can see through Ms. Warners one-sided views. But after I saw what else she has written, it made sense where she is going with this. Apparently she will be online at noon today to discuss the book. I enjoy the wit and humor of your blog and will become a reader.
Wendy
www.createahome.blogspot.com
Posted by: Wendy | February 18, 2005 10:36 AM
Barbara - I just don't understand...I've looked at your website and read some reviews on your books...you seem to have a lot of insight. I'm sure you DO have lots of insight with 12 children! I just do not understand the attack on Warner's perspective. You say she's whining. I say she is giving voice to a lot of moms - including myself - who feel like they are part of some wacky rat race to be the perfect mom, thereby raising the perfect child. And that's impossible. Wouldn't you agree?
Posted by: Jana | February 18, 2005 1:43 PM
Jana, I don't want to speak for Barbara, but I believe that she's speaking against the spirit in which they're saying these things, not WHAT she's saying...
With small children under my feet right now, I appreciate the perspective Barbara lends (This is allllllllllll just a season...) Barbara has experience on her side and some valid points to make. I hope people have ears to hear what she's saying here.
An all too common pheonominon I experience when I write on my own site is that people will zero in on one thing you say instead of synthesizing the entirety of the matter. I think it's worth rereading here to understand exactly what Barbara's trying to communicate. She isn't against mom's who are struggling with "feelings to be the perfect mom."
Posted by: Amy's Humble Musings | February 18, 2005 8:12 PM
Call me selfish, but I guess I'm not mature enough to see that life doesn't revolve around me. Yet. Maybe one day.
Posted by: Blogbelle | February 19, 2005 12:51 AM
There is nothing wrong with whining sometimes, if it gets the anger and frustration off your chest and means you won't take it out on your kids, then you should certainly whine.
I hope you do realize that not all women are wired the same and not all women love, love, love kids.
And more of the "I sacrificed lots and lots so my kids could have more". Gag.
Posted by: Smoov | February 19, 2005 2:31 AM
Barbara, I am new to you and your blog and must say that you have sparked my thought. Thank you! As for the whining debate, I know I had an extremely negative view of the work of motherhood and really feared the day when I would become one. Mainly, this is due to the constant stress I observed and, yes, whining that I heard from women while I was growing up. Children do absorb such things. And I do think it is harmful unless it is far outweighed by positive comments. We all know that many more postive comments are needed to outweigh one negative one.
Posted by: Dogwood Blue | February 20, 2005 9:06 AM
I printed out that article to read when I had a few minutes, and you're right, she IS whining. It's that "I want to do everything and do it perfectly" thinking that gets us into this mess. I realized a few years ago when I hit 40 that it was time to pull back and slow down. That's how I got myself out of the mommy rat race. But that road isn't very far from home as I have a natural tendency to take on too much. My family has had a MUCH simpler existence since then to our benefit. I think after these women have BTDT enough they'll wise up. Let's hope anyway. Then THEY'LL be preaching it like we are now. hehe
Posted by: Kim | February 20, 2005 8:53 PM
