February 20, 2005 9:15 AM
Mommy Misunderstandings
Where does the divisiveness among women start? Even when we're grown up with kids of our own, we revert to 6th grade cliquishness: working moms vs. stay-at-home moms, for instance. If we have strong feelings on either side of that issue, we tend to frame any discussion from that limited point of view, sometimes missing the real point.
As a communicator, I try to be as clear as I can. So I'm always thrown for a loop when someone comes away with a completely different message than I intended. In all humility, I have to take that as a sign I need to do a better job writing. But sometimes, when I really have addressed the issues the reader complains of, I feel a little frustrated.
Case in point: Smoov's comment on my last post, which I started to answer in the comments, but feel is important enough to answer here (Anyone sick to death of the Mommy Madness discussion, feel free to tune out -- next week on to more practical and helpful stuff, I hope).
Here's what Smoov said:
All I was saying was that not all mothers become drug addicts and make bad choices in men just because they spend some time putting their own needs first. Plenty of mothers have found a way to balance their needs with those of their children. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I also wondered if you really didn't know any women who had found this balance.
And then I commented on my own mother, who made those mom sacrifices you have mentioned several times, and how my brother and I still hear about how she sacrificed herself for us today.
And then I went on to talk about how being a decent human being requires sacrifice, being a sister, aunt, friend, neighbor, mother, wife, and employee. The sacrifices a mother makes are no bigger or more important than those a father makes.
I really, really can't help but to roll my eyes when women start talking about how being a mother means one has to sacrifice, blah blah blah. Talk about whinning!
Dear Smoov --
I'm not sure we're really that far apart in our thinking. I was addressing narcissism, elitism, self-pity and whining in the Mommy Madness article. I don't like victim mentality. And I specifically mentioned the neglect of addressing fathers' sacrifice in my first critique.
Just as not every mom who puts her own needs before her kids will be a drug addict, not every mom who decides to put her kids' needs first for a season will bash her kids with it like you say your mom does. I have grown up kids and I've never done that because I've never regretted my choice. At all. You might have skipped the paragraph where I said I feel more than amply rewarded!
Still, I'm sorry you've had to bear that. It must feel horrible to have your mom blame you for a decision she made. It helps me understand where you're coming from. But think outside the box. Not every sacrificing mom will be mean-spirited about it later. But it sure sounds like where the Mommy Madness women are headed, doesn't it?
My point is that women have personal freedom and if we don't like what we're doing, then change it. Grow up. Stop whining.
And my second point is an advocate for children. We really have to start looking at the burden our kids are under when they live not only with daily news of babies in dumpsters and mothers killing their children, but closer to home with magazine covers and overheard conversations in which mothers tell each other their kids are driving them crazy.
How much better if we understood and communicated the truth: Children are a reward and a blessing.
Posted in Culture, Current Affairs, Family, Mothering | Permalink
Comments
Barbara,
I just discovered your blog and the discussion on the Newsweek article. I'm inclined to agree with you, but think you've missed some important parts of the story.
I wrote a post about it. I'd appreciate it if you took a look and let me know what you think. (www.deanabbott.blogspot.com)
Posted by: Dean | February 20, 2005 1:01 PM
I probably did miss some of what you wrote, before your font was too small and I skipped some stuff! Sorry, and thanks for making it bigger =)
I get what you are saying, really I do. I just didn't think you got what I was saying. It seems that we always focus on the extremes. Either you sacrifice everything to be a good mommy or you are a selfish wench and put your own needs first as your kids wither up!
There are so many gray areas between that, know what I mean?
Posted by: smoov | February 20, 2005 2:38 PM
