February 23, 2005 11:11 AM
Montessori at Home #4
Raising Kids with Self-Control
The same week three California high school senior/football heroes were accused of raping a younger girl in a hotel during post prom bacchanalia, I got a call from a parenting magazine: Could I write an article on building self-control in children? The timing was uncanny.
Then there was the deadline, which fell shortly after Mike Tyson bit off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear. So as I wrote, I wondered: How can an advanced society produce specimens so primitive and out-of-control? Obviously, some parents are missing the boat when it comes to raising children who can be counted on to do the right thing. Witness Abu Ghraib. And while I don't think anyone intentionally sets out to raise a child without a conscience, I do believe it takes some thought and effort to raise a child with one.
One of the greatest gifts you can give your child is self-control. It's not the kind of gift you can wrap a bow around, but a foundation you will build day by day as you teach your child to make decisions about his own behavior.
Every parent wants well-behaved kids. But ideally we want our kids to choose correct behavior, to exercise self-control. That's why parents should be wary of discipline methods like the Ezzos' Growing Kids God's Way which rely too heavily on parental authority. Instead, look for ones that encourage the development of the child's ability to govern himself.
A well-behaved child can be well-behaved for all the wrong reasons. He may be afraid of punishment or withdrawal of affection. This often results in a tendency to "act up" or "act out" in awkward moments - like grocery store tantrums. And in the long run, children raised to be outer-controlled rather than self-controlled may be more vulnerable later to peer pressure and rebellion.
As Maria Montessori taught, "The first idea that the child must acquire in order to be actively disciplined is that of the difference between good and evil." And like every other potential, the potential for self-control is best released during the toddler years, when the child is eager to do things for himself. His natural inclination is to master his environment. We need to help him master himself.
In my classroom experience and at home, I've found a simple and positive approach to self-control. A young child has little to be steward over - except his own body. I tell my children that they are "boss"over their body, then offer opportunities to gain greater control through "Let's See" exercises:
"Let's see if we can close the door without a sound."
"Let's see if we can walk without ringing this bell."
"Let's see how long we can sit still."
"Let's see if we can hear this pin drop."
Another effective way to help your child develop self-control is to let him know in advance the kind of behavior you expect - at a party, in the grocery store, library, or church. When they know what is expected, all it takes is a glance at someone who is out of order - you know the glance I mean. Not a glance that instills fear, just one that reminds a child where he is, and what he's supposed to do.
One word of caution: Construct your expectations realistically. Remember your child is an individual and she is changing all the time. Set your expectations just high enough to call forth her best, but never too high for her to reach. Otherwise you end up with a discouraged child.
Since children respond well to word-pictures, I've used this image from the Bible to teach my own:
Like a city whose walls are broken down
is a man who lacks self-control.
(Proverbs 25:28 NIV)
In ancient times, cities built walls to protect themselves. Any breach made them vulnerable to invasion and defeat.
The ability to control oneself is a powerful protection against self-inflicted disaster. Does anyone doubt that the three on-the-brink-of-graduating senior boys mentioned above have suffered dire consequences because of a few out-of-control moments? And how about the Abu Graib soldiers whose lack of self-control made them vulnerable, resulting in great shame for themselves, their families, and their country.
In the end, training which encourages self-government rather than dependence on the presence or absence of outer control produces the kind of child people want to be around. A child with all the selfs our culture tries hard to foster too late and too superficially: self-awareness, self- reliance, self-confidence, and self-esteem.
When a child knows he can make the right decisions and is in control of his actions, all of these will follow naturally.
Then we've raised a kid with the right stuff.
For more information on this vital virtue, see The Discipline Book by Dr. William and Martha Sears, or my own book, The Mommy Manual -- to be published in May.
B. Curtis 1997
Posted in Culture, Family, Homeschooling, Montessori, Mothering, Teens and Tweens, Toddlers | Permalink
Comments
Oh, I can't wait to use the "Let's see . . ." sentences tomorrow!
Posted by: Mel | February 23, 2005 11:05 PM
