February 16, 2005 9:04 PM
The sound of women whining
Yay! Newsweek has scooped another phony crisis: " The Myth of the Perfect Mother" in which disappointed mom/reporterette Judith Warner discovers a transcontinental ("from Idaho to Oklahoma City to the suburbs of Boston") epidemic:
Most of us in this generation grew up believing that we had fantastic, unlimited, freedom of choice. Yet as mothers many women face "choices" on the order of: You can continue to pursue your professional dreams at the cost of abandoning your children to long hours of inadequate child care. Or: You can stay at home with your baby and live in a state of virtual, crazy-making isolation because you can't afford a nanny, because there is no such thing as part-time day care, and because your husband doesn't come home until 8:30 at night.
Wah, wah , wah, wah, wah! As Bruce Willis said in The Kid, "Better call the wahmbulance!"
It seems like for 50 years women have done nothing but complain -- too much of this, too little of that, we want this, we want that, no we changed our minds, life is so hard and we are so mistreated -- and misunderstood.
Me! Me! Me!
It only seems that way, I know. For every narcissistic, infantile and elitist woman whiner there are probably a few dozen -- if not a few hundred -- moms making peanut butter sandwiches, blogging, blowing noses, coming up with new ideas, and raising kids to live fully and responsibly. Thank God at least those kids won't grow up to be whiners.
The reporterette continues:
I read that 70 percent of American moms say they find motherhood today "incredibly stressful." Thirty percent of mothers of young children reportedly suffer from depression. Nine hundred and nine women in Texas recently told researchers they find taking care of their kids about as much fun as cleaning their house, slightly less pleasurable than cooking, and a whole lot less enjoyable than watching TV.
And I wondered: Why do so many otherwise competent and self-aware women lose themselves when they become mothers? Why do so many of us feel so out of control? And-the biggest question of all-why has this generation of mothers, arguably the most liberated and privileged group of women America has ever seen, driven themselves crazy in the quest for perfect mommy-dom?
Hmmm. Maybe they're not as liberated as they think. Their self-centeredness (what about the burden men carry? and what about the burden of their kids who certainly must sense on some primal level their lack of value in their mothers' eyes?) certainly seems ponderous enough to bind them emotionally and spiritually like the chains of Joseph Marley in Scrooge.
But never fear, Warner has a solution to this crisis among Dartmouth grad-type women who seem to be the first since Betty Friedan to figure out what a depressing and horrible deal motherhood truly is: daycare. Not just any daycare, mind you, but government-funded, high-quality (like the kind they have in France, she specifies) and muy pronto.
And daycare not just for working mothers, but for stay-at-home mothers too, so they can "get a life of their own."
How elitist can you get? So stay-at-home mothers don't have a life of their own? And does Ms. Disgruntled Mother -- who describes how obnoxious she found it to overhear mothers speaking to their children at the park -- assume there's some subclass of women who are too stupid to do much other than care for the kids of the more "gifted" working and stay-at-home mothers? Oh, like the mother in the article who was "miserable" staying home with her new baby and now finds fulfillment getting up at 2am to go to work, scooting home before her baby wakes up? Now that's intelligent.
I have a better solution than daycare. How about all whining women get copies of Groundhog Day , which I blogged on February 2, and which Jonah Goldberg reviewed on the 2/14 cover of National Review as "A Movie For All Time." Then, like Phil (Bill Murray) who is condemned to living the same day over and over again until he gets that he is the author of his own misery, they watch the movie over and over until they realize life is fulfilling when you're into what you're giving, not what you're getting -- or not getting.
Then, repeat after Rick Warren: "It's not about me. It's not about me. It's not about me."
Posted in Culture, Current Affairs, Family, Feminism, Mothering | Permalink
Comments
Well said. Why even have children if you are not prepared to give of yourself?
Posted by: Suzanne | February 17, 2005 2:00 PM
I agree. I'm not a mother yet but I find it hard to understand why so many people find children tiresome and unengaging.
Posted by: quasifictional | February 17, 2005 4:57 PM
You got that right. As soon as I finish taking care of the 9 children in my house today, I'm going to take on Ms. Whiner--I mean, Warner. ;)
Posted by: Mel | February 17, 2005 5:03 PM
mel, you go, girl -- i can't wait to read it!
Posted by: barbara curtis | February 17, 2005 5:26 PM
Excellent bookend to my own commentary (as you brought to my attention!)... I need to include this post on my growing list of other blogs that were annoyed by this article.
Posted by: Jim | February 17, 2005 5:49 PM
Excellent take on this article, thanks Barbara. I think this is the key, from your post: Maybe they're not as liberated as they think.
Anyway, I've looked at this from a slightly different angle on my blog and would be interested in your reaction. (I just started the blog; hope it's not bad blogging form to do this...)
http://daddychip.blogspot.com/2005/02/competitive-momming-paradox.html
Posted by: chip | February 17, 2005 11:27 PM
Why is it so wrong for women to want to be more than just a parent? To the Suzanne who commented earlier who said: "Why even have children if you are not prepared to give of yourself?" Why do we have to give up all of ourselves, our total identity to be considered a good parent? Does it make me a bad person to want to continue fulfilling other parts of my life? Just because you do not relate to what at-home moms struggle with does not mean it is all in our heads. When I made the transition from working woman to at-home mother, it was like having a chunk of my identity cut out of my life. I love being a mom and I very dedicated to what I'm doing. The women I know are exchanging ideas, encouraging each other down new roads, and supporting each other's decisions as we try to fill that hole we can not always put our finger on. That does not make us bad or spoiled or mopy or whiny; it makes us human.
Posted by: Suzanne | February 18, 2005 12:06 AM
Thank you for your comments on my blog about this assulting article by Newsweek on mothers. http://4boysandamom.blogspot.com.
I am glad to see that I am not the only one who feels so stongly about this and take the assult personal. It is not fair to make someone who values their role as a mother and make them feel that they are settling so to speak. Giving up and laying down for the ememy. What! Just the thought gets my blood boiling again. Mom's be proud of yourself, know that you hold the most honored position ever. You have been trusted with the well being of a little soul. God honors your commitment and will bless you ten fold when this season of putting your needs behind those of your child's has passed! To all the mother's that see this and feel as do, privilaged to be trusted with such an important job as motherhood, I salute you!
Blessings, Jennifer Lynn Arnold
Posted by: Jennifer Lynn Arnold | February 18, 2005 11:05 AM
Whoa there...everybody BACK UP!!! Whining?!? Okay, first of all, if you are childless, go have a kid and then get back with me.
Secondly, daycare was only PART of Warner's solution. She also suggested to "throw out the schedules, turn off the cell phone, cancel the tutors....spend some real quality time with our families, just talking, hanging out, not doing anything for once. And let ourselves BE."
I just don't understand someone having a negative opinion about her article. Amen and amen to Warner's insight. I look forward to reading her book.
Posted by: Jana | February 18, 2005 11:15 AM
ummm, jana -- i have 12 kids.
maybe you should spend more time at this blog than reading whiners.
love,
barbara
Posted by: barbara curtis | February 18, 2005 11:31 AM
Ummm, Barbara -- my name is Jana. I know you have 12 kids. (You've got bigger balls than I do!) My "childless" comment was directed to some of your commentators.
Posted by: Jana | February 18, 2005 12:02 PM
"...Warner has a solution to this crisis...: daycare. Not just any daycare, mind you, but government-funded, high-quality (like the kind they have in France, she specifies)..."
Apparently, Warner hasn't seen the "Daycares Don't Care" website!
http://www.daycaresdontcare.org
Posted by: Bonnie Moody | February 18, 2005 2:31 PM
Thank you for your insight on this. Being a mother = self sacrifice. That's standard. Per the Princess Bride, "Life is pain. Anyone who tells you different is trying to sell you something." I whine on my blog about how I'm going nuts, and then I go make peanut butter sandwhiches. sing Wiggles songs, and struggle to get the kids down for naps. It's not easy. It's not supposed to be.
Posted by: Square1 | February 18, 2005 6:17 PM
That Newsweek article made me angry on a lot of levels. Having been both a working- outside-the-home mom (as I am now) and a stay-at-home mom, I feel pretty qualified to see both sides of this supposed issue.
The author seems to not grasp the basic premise of motherhood, which is self-sacrifice. This takes place from the moment you find out you are pregnant (eat healthy, take care of your body, etc.) until the day you die. My suggestion is that if women don't want to make the necessary sacrifices, they need to not have children.
And don't even get me started on what it means to be a mom of a special needs child (which I am and as you, Barbara, are also). My husband and I will care for our son until the day we die, literally. And it is our joy and privilege to do so. Motherhood in all its rewards and struggles, is the one thing in my life, besides marriage, that routinely helps me to live a life of courage and sacrifice. And that is the only way to live, as far as I am concerned.
Posted by: Lori F | February 20, 2005 12:12 PM
YOU GO GIRL. Bout freakin time someone stood up and said "STOP WHINING". WE have become a culture of whiners... Nothing satisfies us. Least of all giving up yourself for someone else. But i believe that the WHOLE job of motherhood is about self sacrifice. It is the most important job in the world. It is true that some days can be monotonous, and down right boring... but you know what... in the end we are raising the FUTURE. what a gift to be able to influence the future so profoundly.
I am grateful that I have a husband who provides so that I am able to stay home with my son. We are planning on more kids (i'm only just 25, soo...) anyway... i thiknk more kids will make for more interesting days that is for sure! but more impact on the future too. How can we decide to be so selfish as to stop providing for the care of our children. everyone knows that a Mother's care is the BEST care. (insert Father too.) But we all want it "to go" or "made to order" or to "have it your way". Life is not about ME ME ME.... it is about OTHERS OTHERS OTHERS...
I recommend that people get the word OTHERS back in their vocab!!
Meg Logan
Posted by: MegLogan | February 22, 2005 10:32 AM
When did saying "we can do better" become "whining"?
What Warner says boils down to: a lot of women are unhappy trying to keep up with mothering and earning a living, and there are things we could do to make it easier for the moms and better for the kids. Your response? Screw them, they should enjoy overwork, or they should stop wanting to enjoy it.
Sure, maybe it is true that 70% of mothers are whining wimps. And yay for you that you are so much better---don't hurt your arm patting yourself on the back, okay?
Meanwhile, is it possible that even the whining wimps have a point? Maybe only half of those 70% really could use some help. Well, that would be 1/3 of all American mothers. I notice that you have no actual criticism of Warner's solutions except a sneer at France. If 1/3 of American mothers reasonably need some help, and there's a reasonable way for them to collectively help each other, why are you sniping at them?
I don't get it. You say it's ok to whine, as long as you then do your work. So I guess your real problem with Warner is not that she whines, but that she proposes collective-action solutions. And that, apparently, is Just Wrong. Do you dig your own roads yourself, too?
Posted by: trilobite | February 22, 2005 11:46 AM
Barbara, I have utmost respect for you as a mother of 12 children and a writer.
But I ask you to consider this: whom does your irritation with "whining mothers" truly serve?
I think the issue goes deeper than mere selfishness and "elitism" on the part of these mothers.
Posted by: Bonnie | February 24, 2005 12:24 AM
I personally do not think it is all a problem of either self-centeredness or just whiney.
I believe it is more a problem of preparedness. I don't believe this culture, for whatever feminist or otherwise reason, gives skill training in the management of home, the realities of reproductive function, or childraising.
And it is hard to learn on the fly.
Posted by: ilona | February 28, 2005 1:29 PM
If you go to the reader comments on Amazon.com regarding Ms. Warner's book, you'll see that a Mom from France felt compelled to point out that motherhood in France is not as rosy as Warner depicts. She noted that she had 2 of her 3 daughters in the US, and feels much more supported here. Additionally, she notes the state daycare system in France is very crowded and tough to get into. Despite being a French mom, she found very little to relate to in Ms. Warner's description of motherhood in France. That makes me very suspect of the real accuracy of Ms. Warner's book.
Posted by: Aprey | March 11, 2005 4:08 PM
I can relate very much to what ilona wrote regarding the preparedness factor. I really didn't receive any cultural training and when my little guy came into the world I was so unprepared! I was able to get my hands on some great books to help guide me on what to do, what to expect and how much of what I was going through was normal. I think I would have felt more supported as a new mom if I had had more people around (i.e. family) to show me the ropes, etc. Along with the fact that anytime you are experiencing a tough time it is so helpful just to have someone say, "yes, it is tough - talk about it, and how can I help you?" As well as people who can say, but not in a discouraging way, "here's where you might find really tough in the future, but you can get through it."
Many moms, whether stay-at-home or otherwise may feel very unsupported and discouraged if they understand the sacrifice involved in child-rearing, and are willing to do that, but those around them (husbands, other family) don't look at it that way. It can feel like a very lonely road.
Posted by: Tracy | March 20, 2005 5:57 PM
