February 5, 2005 9:30 AM
Waiting for dating
"When can I start dating?" my eleven year old asked last September - probably like everyone else entering the new territory of middle school this year. Not new territory for me though, since Maddy's my ninth.
It took me back to the days when my first daughter Samantha, now (gasp!) 35, went on her first date with a boy named Max, chauffeured by his mother to the movies. I thought it was so cute.
But it was a different world for kids back then. Music and movies were more romantic than erotic. The vividly-detailed sex lives of national leaders weren't delivered with the daily news. Pornography wasn't a mouse-click away. And young readers weren't browsing magazine covers in the checkout line and asking, "What's an or-ga-zim, mommy?"
Even the most permissive parents would never have dreamed of letting their daughters dress in a sexually provocative way. I know because I was the most permissive parent you'd ever want to meet.
My oldest kids grew up with few limits - no bedtimes even. Following my counterculture imperative - with freedom top priority - I thought my parenting skills were highly evolved because I trusted my kids enough to give them so much of it.
But when Samantha as a high school junior started coming in at two in the morning, I had to confront the obvious: kids just don't always make good choices.
I gave her a curfew. Later I heard her on the phone, bragging to a friend.
What I realized then was that my parenting style - which I thought showed my love and trust - was actually sending the opposite message: "I don't care." Taking a more proactive approach - setting limits and protecting my kids, even when they balked - actually made them feel more secure. Like the guardrails that keep us from falling off a bridge.
So it's not only a different world, but I'm a different parent - one who's had the rare luxury of 35 years of mistakes to learn from, and who's seen that small decisions can have major consequences.
That's the message of a report I recently came across called 14 and Younger: The Sexual Behavior of Young Adolescents, published by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy.
Among their conclusions: Approximately one in five kids have sex by age 15. Early dating leads to early sex. Early first sexual experiences for girls are more likely to be unwanted than those of older girls. Girls dating older boys are very much at risk. Sexually experienced kids under 15 are more likely to use drugs and alcohol. And girls who have sex before age 15 are more likely to become promiscuous or pregnant, contract an STD, or drop out of high school.
While that doesn't mean that every early dater will end up in disaster, more than ever I'm convinced that our daughters stand a lot to lose when we let them grow up too fast.
"You're not ready yet, Maddy. You need to concentrate on school, on your singing, and on your friends," was what I told her. If she's like her 15-year-old sister, she'll stick with friends who aren't in a such a hurry to complicate their lives.
Posted in Culture, Mothering, Teens and Tweens | Permalink
