June 15, 2005 7:47 PM
Father figures
I grew up without a dad, which was the exception way back when. Today it's ever so much more the norm.
Because of the basic kindness of our culture, we've eliminated the stigma of fatherlessness. I guess that's good in some ways. It's not the children's fault, after all.
But is leveling the social playing field - ignoring all the statistics of increased substance abuse, teen pregnancy and incarceration among the fatherless - really good for us?
For perspective spend some time here. Sample fact: Between 1960 and 1995, the number of children with never-married mothers jumped from 221,000 to 5,862,000.
That's a 2600 percent increase!
If there were a disease that wreaked such havoc and grew so exponentially, we'd be walking/running/wearing ribbons to find a cure.
In the 60's Gloria Steinem proclaimed, "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." But from observing my mother's life, my own, and those of the single mothers and fatherless girls I've known, I'd say there's still a lot of desperation to find and/or keep a man. Isn't that what Victoria's Secret is all about?
And so while in the 60's I'd have backed Gloria (who's since, ironically, tied the knot) a thousand percent, today I survey the collateral damage and wish we hadn't tried so hard to relegate men to unnecessary or superfluous status.
Fathers are important!
I was thinking about this last week after a visit from my Uncle Fran and Aunt Sally. My Uncle Fran, at 85, is the only member left of 12 proud Irish siblings. His longevity is a testament to the steadfast purpose of his life.
I remember visiting his family often in the 50's and 60's at their home in McLean. Im pretty sure Uncle Fran was instrumental in getting my mom to take her kids to church, even if she refused to go herself. Over the years, I became aware of how much behind-the-scenes help he gave her. Without a dad to walk me down the aisle for my first marriage, I asked my Uncle Fran.
It was well into my second marriage and years of getting real about what was important and what was not that I suddenly realized what Uncle Fran had meant in my life. I wrote him from California to thank him for being there for our fatherless family.
While the men my mother dragged home were a far cry from father figures, Uncle Fran - who carved out a successful niche for himself in the field of aviation and with Aunt Sally raised two successful and stable sons - was an emblem of something solid and real, something higher I could aim for myself.
And so my message today is this:
- Fathers, don't leave. Stick things out for the sake of your kids.
- Mothers, be grateful for husbands. Don't think boyfriends can replace them, for speaking from experience boyfriends come and go. If their father's not around, make sure your kids have someone like my Uncle Fran
- If you had an Uncle Fran, be sure to thank him on Father's Day!
Thanks to Aunt Sally and my cousins for sharing the special man in their life. And thanks to my Uncle Fran! Your presence made a difference in my life.
This appeared today in my regular column in The Loudoun Times-Mirror. Running it here to honor Uncle Fran a little more and in case anyone else has a father figure to thank.
Comments
Great post, Barbara. I too grew up without my father, and given the particular stepfather I had, I once found Steinam's proclamation funny. And I still see a kernal of wisdom in it. So many young women end up in abusive, abandoning relationships because they feel worthless without a man to validate them.
If you have to have a man, any man will do.
I married my soul-mate, and he's a wonderful father. I found him by the grace of God. But I was available when we met only because I'd seen how terrible a bad marriage could be, and I was willing to wait for a good man, even if it meant I'd never find him.
I watch him with our son, though, and I know the value of a good father. I wish we cared more, each of us, about being the right person, and holding out for the right person. I wish we fully understood the stakes. Thanks for the excellent link, Barbara. People need to know this stuff.
Posted by: Katy | June 16, 2005 12:22 AM
Still working through dad stuff here. God's tenderly touching my heart.
I've forgiven both my dads for what they did/didn't do. Now I'm learning to deal with the effects of what they did/didn't do.
I'm thankful for my Heavenly Father.
Posted by: Lexie | June 16, 2005 3:40 AM
