June 28, 2005 10:26 AM
Teaching children self-control
Like a city whose walls are broken down
is a man who lacks self-control.
(Proverbs 25:28) One of the greatest gifts you can give your child is self-control. It’s not the kind of gift you can wrap a bow around, but a foundation you build day by day as you teach your child to make decisions about his own behavior.
Every parent wants well-behaved children. But ideally we want our children to choose correct behavior, to exercise self-control. For this reason parents should be wary of discipline methods which rely solely on parental authority, relying instead on those which encourage the development of the child’s ability to govern himself.
A well-behaved child can be well-behaved for all the wrong reasons. He may be afraid of punishment or withdrawal of affection. This often results in a tendency to “act up” or “act out” in awkward moments. And in the long run, children raised to be outer-controlled rather than self-controlled may be more vulnerable later to peer pressure and rebellion.
Better to learn what makes the child tick, to understand his God-given potential for self-control, then work to release it. While in the early years parental authority must be no-nonsense, we need to think long range so that our children’s good behavior will eventually come from within rather than without. Discipline isn’t something we should practice in reaction to our children’s negative behavior, but a task we can approach positively and proactively, preparing our children by helping them establish self-control.
While discipline can be like a Band-Aid on a situation - necessary at the moment but not preventative, teaching self-control is like providing knee pads to keep him from injuring himself as he runs the race of life. In Scriptural imagery, like a wall protecting a city.
The potential for self-control is best released during the toddler years, when the child is eager to do things for himself. His natural inclination is to master his environment. We need to help him master himself.
In 35 years of experience in classrooms and at home with my own 12 kids, I've found that there is a positive approach to self-control. God has made each of us stewards. A young child has little to be steward over - except his own body. I tell my children that they are “boss” over their body, then offer opportunities to gain greater control though “Let’s See” exercises:
“Let’s see if we can close the door without a sound.”
Show how the door knob mechanism works, then teach him to close without letting go of knob.“Let’s see if we can keep our feet on the line.”
Place masking tape in a straight line or circle and show him how to walk slowly and carefully.
“Let’s see if we can walk without ringing this bell.”
Challenge your child to walk slowly and carefully enough to avoid ringing a bell carried in one hand at waist.“Let’s see what happens if we are very quiet.”
Sit quietly for as long as your child can sustain it.
“Let’s see if we can hear this pin drop.”
Everyone close eyes, wait for quiet, then drop a pin.
This provides a language for reminding a child not to fidget, or bringing down his temper if he starts to lose control: “Let's see if you can sit still. You are boss of your body. Tell it to be quiet and listen.”
Another effective way to help your child develop self-control is to let him know in advance the kind of behavior you expect - at a party, in the grocery store, library, or church.
For example, on our way to church, Tripp and I remind our children that there will be only one trip to the bathroom -- before the service starts; that we will be sitting together as a family; that we expect them to sit still, listen attentively, and participate fully; that they should refrain from rattling their bulletins or bothering those around us with unnecessary noise; that when the time comes to leave for Sunday School, they are to walk, not run; that they are to treat their Sunday School teachers with respect and other children with courtesy; that they are not to overdo it at the hospitality table; that they are not to disappear when it's time to go home.
When they know what is expected, all it takes is a glance at someone who is out of order -- you know the glance I mean. Not a glance that instills fear, just one that reminds a child where he is, and what’s expected.
One word of caution: Construct your expectations realistically. Remember your child is an individual and he is changing all the time. Set your expectations just high enough to call forth the best from your child, but never too high for him to reach. Otherwise you end up with a discouraged child.
This is part of the process of teaching children to become self-governing rather than needing to be kept in line moment to moment by adults. In the end, this produces a child with all the selfs our culture tries hard to foster too late and too superficially: self-confidence, self-esteem, self-reliance. When a child knows he can make the right decisions and is in control of his actions, all of these will follow naturally.
Posted in Toddlers | Permalink
Comments
What wonderful words of wisdom that this mommy needs to hear.
Posted by: Sal | June 28, 2005 11:00 AM
I have a good friend who always tells her daughter: "You will either be self-governed or you will be governed by me. What's your choice?" If her daughter shows she's trustworthy and can govern her own self, my friend gives her more control. I've always appreciated this example of parenting. After all, the point of parenting is to raise children to be adults (not stay kids forever!).
I also appreciate your practical tips. You've got some great ideas. :)
-Amy
Posted by: Amy | June 28, 2005 6:00 PM
I don't know how it is for other moms, but sometimes I need just as much training as the kiddos. This was timely reminder for me as a person and a mom.
Posted by: Lexie | June 29, 2005 12:31 AM
I agree- this is full of great advice that I think will work well with my daughter and I. Thanks!
Posted by: Laura Anne | June 29, 2005 1:14 AM
