August 27, 2005 9:47 PM
Guest Blogger - Judy Squier
So many of you asked to hear more from Judy Squier. Here is her story "Wedding Memories and Lessons Learned."
I never expected to get married. Growing up with a disability meant I was excluded from most of life's givens. I was born with multiple deformities secondary to proximo-femoral-focal-deficiency. My legs never developed. I lacked thighs and knees and had two toes on one foot and three on the other. At age ten, my deformed feet were amputated so that I could wear artificial limbs.
Going away to college opened up the world for me. Graduating with a Master's Degree from the University of Illinois, I accepted a job offer about the same time I said 'Yes' to a marriage proposal from David Squier.
We didn't start a family until ten years into our marriage because initial genetic counseling indicated a fifty percent chance our children would inherit my birth defect. A second opinion years later suggested merely a .05 % risk. Pregnancy and delivery proved to be no biggie for me and within five years we had three daughters, each born with long legs, knees, feet and all ten toes.
"Should I deliver my baby with my legs off or my legs on?" was a question I asked the obstetrician. With motherhood's myriad physical demands certain tasks worked best with my legs off; others were better with legs on. Delivering babies was definitely a “legs off” job.
Seasoned by age, I've even created a third category - when I allow myself to say: "That's a legs job. I don't go there!" Unbeknownst to me I had something in my “that's a legs job” category that - like it or not - I would have to go there. With a 100% probability that little girls will grow into big girls, the chances were good that one day I would be a mother-of-a-bride.
"But that's a legs job!" I thought to myself when my daughter Emily announced her engagement with plans to marry four months later. Panic gripped me as I visualized endless treks through miles of stores, photography studios, florists, caterers and bakeries. I especially feared the moment when the bride’s and groom's moms must climb the steps to the altar to light the wedding candles.
Does anyone else feel like a juggler of life's logistics? More and more I find myself dissecting events and analyzing the pieces to make sure they work for me. The normal wedding preparations were complicated by my own personal issues: Are the church and reception sites fully accessible? Should I walk down the aisle or ride in my wheelchair?
And yet, in the final analysis, life happens. The fast track called A WEDDING - with its hundreds of hours of planning, shopping, decision-making, plus the expenditures of not just money but time and energy - comes and goes. Then we kick back, savor the memory and assess the process.
I was right. The mother-of-the-bride assignments provided enough leg work to exhaust an octopus. Not everywhere we went was wheelchair accessible. Several times my daughter had to pull my wheelchair up steps. But we managed.
Thanks to the wedding, I learned to be a good receiver. If you have trouble accepting help, a wedding will cure that. When the engagement was announced, my friends rallied and showed up as personal shoppers, shower hostesses, wedding coordinators, hors d'oeuvre caterers. My friend Nita pulled me aside and said her wedding gift would be to help find the perfect dress and shoes for me. Another friend dressed in a tuxedo and chauffeured the bride and groom in her red and white 57 Chevy convertible. My sister, Tina, functioned as my Siamese twin the week before the big day and let me borrow her legs.
And I, a do-it-myself diehard, learned to say "Would you please" and "Yes, thank you."
Another lesson I learned: to trust my kids' sensitivity to my specific needs. Without prior discussion my daughter altered the candle-lighting ceremony, so that the dads brought the candles down the steps to the moms.
"That was a good idea to involve the fathers," one of our friends commented, "I hope our kids do the same thing."
And in all the excitement, I'm thankful I didn't miss the small wonders. I was blown away when the floral designer identified the yellow rose selected for the bride's bouquet as a Judy rose. My heart welled up with validation as my daughter walked down the aisle carrying delphinium, forget-me-nots and Judy roses. Indeed, I was God's choice and the perfect mother for this child. Banished forever were my unspoken fears that she had missed out because of my disability.
And surprise of surprises, two weeks later while viewing the wedding video my middle daughter observed excitedly: "Mom, you walked down the aisle."
"You're right, Elizabeth, I did, didn't I?" Indeed, somehow the last minute, through no strain, I showed up with my legs on and was standing in the back of the church when the violinist began playing Ave Maria - the cue for the mothers to be ushered to their seats. And without a glitch, my new bronze flats walked sure-footedly down the white wedding runner.
And when all was said and done, the bubbles blown and the guests gone, the joyous bride plopped down on my lap for a mommy hug:
With her gown cascading down the front of my wheelchair, this mother-daughter photo is my number one pick of the 450 taken by the San Francisco photographer. It's the photo that shouts:
MIRACLES HAPPEN!
For thirty five years earlier I was the bride that I never expected to be, who mothered children I never expected to mother, and together my daughter-bride and I embraced one another and the miracle day in both of our lives.
From the heart of Judy Squier
June, 2003
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Comments
Oh, I'm so near tears reading this. . .
Posted by: TulipGirl | August 27, 2005 9:59 PM
That's a beautiful story, Judy. Thank you for sharing it.
Posted by: Julana | August 27, 2005 11:04 PM
How beautiful! I wish I had heard your story when I was running myself ragged planning my own wedding, it would have given me a good perspective of thankfulness. :-) I'm sure that your daughter couldn't have been prouder of her mom than you made her.
Posted by: Cheri | August 29, 2005 3:05 AM
Beautiful!!!!
Posted by: molly | August 29, 2005 8:15 PM
