August 29, 2005 8:47 PM
On Growing Kids the Ezzo Way
In 1995, I had just signed a contract for my first book on raising children when the church we were attending began offering Growing Kids God's Way training.
With nine kids of my own and my writing, I was considered to be somewhat an authority (you have to understand that I can't say that without chuckling at just how much like everyone else I really am - I just happen to like to write!), but I was definitely curious and if there was any wisdom to be picked up from these people - who definitely embraced the "authority" role more enthusiastically than I - I wanted to be able to pass it on with whatever I'd figured out so far.
We had just come out of a short stay in a cult-like Pentecostal church - I'll have to share that story some time - and so our radar was quick to pick up signs of unhealth in Christian leaders. It was this sensitivity, I believe, that made us see Gary Ezzo for what he is. That is, we didn't go in as skeptics, wanting to pick apart Ezzo's teaching. We actually wanted to add to our parenting skills. And we wanted to fit in at our new church and share common bonds with the other parents.
But what we saw in the first video episode was chilling. Afterwards, we read ahead in our book and went to a couple more sessions, then tried to share the warning signals we were seeing in the method and in Gary Ezzo himself (his creepy relationship with his wife - the way he touched her arm when she tried to interject her thoughts sticks with me to this day). As a result, we were shunned and pretty much driven out of the church.
Lucky for us that we found out early on it was another unhealthy church (we were living in Marin County where only 4% of the population attends church and a megachurch is about 300 members, so the churches can get a little weird).
Anyway, we knew Doctor Dobson from Focus on the Family and had been on his radio show. We also knew Dennis and Barbara Rainey from Family Life Ministries. As I saw the Ezzo method taking off like wildfire, sweeping up churches and dividing congregations, I was concerned that these strong family organizations needed to take a position on the Ezzo method.
And so, straight from my heart I wrote m own position statement:
Whose Way, After All?
An Open Letter to Those in the Church Whose Purpose is to Serve the Family
The Ezzos' attempt to equip Christian parents to raise children who will be a blessing to their families and communities addresses an all too real need. However, we would be making a big mistake to assume that the sweeping popularity of "Growing Kid's God's Way" indicates anything other than that need. In addressing the true merit of the Ezzos' program, we need to see it in context, and we need to see it objectively.
The Ezzos take as their starting point that our society has become too child-centered. In looking around me, I can only disagree. At no time in history, I believe, have parents ever been so self-centered. So many daily parental decisions are based on society's encouragement not to neglect their own needs. That's why we see so many working and aerobically well-conditioned mothers. Although the discipline of children has deteriorated drastically in the past generation, I do not believe it is due to the fact that parents are putting their children first.
It is for this reason that the Ezzos' plan misses the mark. In claiming to redress the wrong of child-centered parenting, they offer instead a model of self-centered parenting. Parents of infants are advised to institute a rigid three-hour feeding schedule -- "God's Way" as the Ezzos see it, because God created an orderly universe.
It is this type of loosely put together theological rationalization that sounds impressive to young and vulnerable parents – too impressive to question. And the dismaying fact is that it feeds right into their own self-centeredness (due to a lack of parenting maturity). The main object seems to be to get the baby on a schedule so as to cause as little inconvenience or disruption of the parents' lives as possible.
As a mother of eleven, as well as a professional author, speaker, and educator, my approach has always been to help young parents examine their own hearts in this area. One might ask, for instance, why the first question for new parents is invariably, "Is he sleeping through the night yet?" One might wonder why breastfeeding is currently on the decline. The reason as two obstetrics nurses see it – mothers who want to get back in shape, wear nice clothes, avoid the hassle of dripping, go back to work, or play tennis all day.
One of my goals as a parent educator has been to call the selfish nature of our society and ourselves into question, encouraging instead a wholehearted acceptance of our role as parents. We need to remind parents of Jesus’ servant attitude toward those entrusted to His care, and help them see that their small sacrifices in meeting their infants' needs can help them become more Christ like. Isn't that what it's all about? My first child was born when I was twenty one. This year, at forty seven, I adopted my eleventh. There is a world of difference between the self-centered young mother I once was and the mother I have become. I believe that God has used parenting to develop my character in ways that are pleasing to Him.
It may be appropriate here to mention that the Ezzos had only two daughters, presumably while they were in their twenties. Perhaps that's why their method stands in sharp contrast to Dr. William Sears' advice (for his is not a method). Dr. Sears fathered eight children spanning well into the years of wise and seasoned parenthood.
Dr. Sears is experienced enough to know that one rigid method cannot work for every child. I agree. My Heavenly Father has always treated me and loved me like an individual. Gary Ezzo speaks of "controlling the child's heart." The word control is telling. Our Heavenly Father leads, guides, encourages. If He doesn't see fit to control, why should we?
I am not a libertarian, by any means. Though we live in a community where only 2% attend church, my children are well-behaved Christian children, with high standards, strong values, respectful attitudes, and good manners. My husband and I signed up for the Ezzo course last winter when it was offered, a little out of curiosity, but mostly for professional reasons: in completing my forthcoming book on toddlers, I was researching discipline references. We dropped out after three sessions.
I sensed trouble ahead in the first session, when Gary Ezzo forestalled questions which might be raised concerning legalism. He made it clear that those who use the term legalism are people with rebellious attitudes and/or problems with authority. My husband and I were quick to spot this cult-like technique: it planted seeds of doubt in each person as to their own ability to evaluate the course content, a well as cuing class members how to regard anyone who disagreed or left the course.
At the second session, during class discussion, one mother shared her frustration because she was spanking her child to make him take naps. Sometimes the spankings went on for three hours, because she felt her authority was at stake. Where was the help for this poor parent, who needed most of all to be told that her four year old child shouldn't be forced to take a nap just because it made her life more convenient? Because the Ezzos miss the mark, and because parents' hearts are not changed to become more Christ like, I am afraid many children will continue to suffer needlessly.
Particularly infants. Although not a medical professional, I am concerned that the Ezzos are advocating a program physiologically unhealthy for infants, especially those who are breastfed, as breast milk is digested more quickly than formula. Furthermore, as a mother who has nursed eight children, I know from experience that the establishment of successful breastfeeding depends on frequent stimulation and emptying of the breasts. The Ezzos' program undermines the ability of mothers to produce enough milk, therefore jeopardizing this important connection with their babies. And my mother's heart cries out for those babies needing soothing and calming, yet left to "cry it out." Why do the Ezzos worry so much about parents being ruled by their babies? Why even choose that framework? When I cry out and God meets my needs, is He being ruled by me?
Parents need to be encouraged to bond closely with their infants to give them a secure start. An infant can not possibly be held or loved too much the first year. Mothers and fathers need to be encouraged to hold their children more often rather than less.
One might ask, "What would Jesus do?" to understand what is lacking in the Ezzo way. Jesus would not ignore an infant's cries to adhere to a schedule preached by religious experts (His harshest words were always for promulgators of systems), but would show compassion, provide comfort, and demonstrate the Father's love. I agree that parents are in desperate need of help these days. However, the help they need most is not to be found in the Ezzo Way. And the last thing they need is a method that discourages them from thinking for themselves, by claiming presumptuously to be God's Way. Unfortunately, there will always be many sheep who, in their search for answers, will gravitate to the most authoritarian voice. My prayer is that the church will pause in its rush to hop on the Ezzo bandwagon, give serious consideration to many voices – including those with less volume and more wisdom – and then choose wisely as it seeks to equip parents to build a strong, secure, and faithful generation.
copyright 1996 by Barbara Curtis
The large family organizations were not quick to respond. As I recall, Focus on the Family took three years to make a statement regarding GKGW. But there was a growing network of individuals who were able to connect and share information, aided by the rapid growth of the Internet. Information was collected and gathered at sites like this one and this one.
That all seems so long ago and faraway. But I'm happy to see that blogging has made it possible to discuss GKGW in a more thorough and intimate way. Though I understand that some parents have been able to glean something from it, there are those who have been deeply wounded and who have wounded their children as well.
Which brings up a question I receive frequently from mothers: What do parents do when we realize we've made mistakes? If God reveals to us how our mistakes may have stunted or harmed our children, how do we live with ourselves and our failures? Is it possible to start anew? How do we make it right?
This is one of those blogs I've been planning to write for a while - in fact my email inbox is holding a cry from a mother who is seeing some of the negative fruit of the Ezzo method in her oldest child. I've been leaving it there as a reminder that I need to write about this for more than one person.
Because when it comes to the past, I'm with singer Warren Barfield:
"They say learn from your mistakes;
I guess I should be a genius."
No, my kids were not Ezzo-fied (or fried) but I've had my share of repentance, forgiveness, and grace.
Will share more next time.
Comments
Looking forward to hearing more.
I had a very positive experience with Ezzo, but then again, I didn't exactly do what the book said, either (nor did I ever attend a class or go to a church that held the classes). :o) I just gleaned a few good ideas from Babywise that have lasted me through all five of my children so far (and this is from a momma who breastfeeds on demand and doesn't like letting newborns "cry it out."). :)
That being said, I'm no fan of any method that claims "My Way is Right." Blech. I've blogged about this in the past:
http://threepennies.blogdrive.com/archive/40.html shares a bit about my positive experience w/ Ezzo, but equally my distaste for any group or person that claims they've got the manual for parenting. We're only on #5 so far, but I can quickly attest to the fact that they are ALL different.
I'm not super comfortable with Ezzo parents being vilified primarily because I've known many who've had such wonderful experiences with the program (and who did it in such a balanced way). When people go bash Ezzo stuff, those types of parents then feel like they are being bashed, when in fact they have been excellent parents.
...But at the same time, I wouldn't support an Ezzo class being taught in our church (we actually had the opportunity to bring it in a few years back [my husband is a minister] and after I shared what I knew, our senior pastor decided NOT to bring it in) and I don't go handing the books out. There are too many problems inherent for me to feel comfortable doing that, I guess.
Long-winded tonight--sorry! :)
Posted by: Molly | August 30, 2005 2:58 AM
Well said. Thank you for being brave about this. I've often felt uncomfortable with this particular method of control but couldn't quite put my finger on why. Thanks for your intelligent, yet not inflammatory, discussion.
Posted by: relevantgirl | August 30, 2005 3:03 AM
Thank you, Barbara, from sharing so candidly about both your experiences and what you've observed.
You brought up a key point my husband has always been quick to bring out:
"The Ezzos take as their starting point that our society has become too child-centered. In looking around me, I can only disagree. At no time in history, I believe, have parents ever been so self-centered. . . . In claiming to redress the wrong of child-centered parenting, they offer instead a model of self-centered parenting. . . . We need to remind parents of Jesus’ servant attitude toward those entrusted to His care, and help them see that their small sacrifices in meeting their infants' needs can help them become more Christ like. Isn't that what it's all about?"
And while I do not see self-centeredness as the key motivation in Christian parents choosing to use Ezzo's materials, I have seen his ideas bring out that quality in them.
Here's my collection of Ezzo-related blogging.
Posted by: TulipGirl | August 30, 2005 6:24 AM
Thank you for so much for sharing more about your experience and the story behind the writing of your position statement, Barbara!
You wrote, "I've had my share of repentance, forgiveness, and grace."
Amen. Me, too. I praise Him for His grace and forgiveness. He is good. (((hugs)))
Posted by: flowermama | August 30, 2005 7:22 AM
Thanks for the comments -
and hey relevantgirl!
Molly - I hope you and others can hear what I said about some people gaining some help from the Ezzo Way. Like my oldest daughter, you took the training and ignored the parts that were harmful and just plain wrong. Or as my hubby says, "Eat the meat and spit out the bones."
And TulipGirl, you are right, I don't think parents took the training because they were self-centered, but I do think part of the appeal was that instead of talking about sacrifice and allowing God to use our parenthood to shape us the Ezzos vision of perfect kids appealed to parents' basic selfishness. But they are not to blame - the mystery of the nature of parental sacrifice and how God uses it to finish our own maturation process is something you grow into over the years - unless you're too stuborn and rigid to learn.
I couldn't even begin to tell you what the percentage was who used the Ezzo stuff with wisom and grace and the percentage for whom it was a giant detour.
But I do fault Gary Ezzo for not tending his own garden and cultivating more humility and openness. I have a lot to say about Christian leadership - how it is used and misused in the Church. I have seen a lot of damaged people - well, hey, I'll just have to post something about that soon.
flowermama - thanks and hugs to you too!
Posted by: barbaracurtis | August 30, 2005 8:01 AM
Three cheers for you, Barbara.
I, too, have spent hours and tears in repentance over parenting methods, though not Ezzo,but others works-oriented, law based methods of raising children.
Thanks for being candid and thanks for a great website.
Posted by: Karen Campbell | August 30, 2005 8:56 AM
Thanks so much for posting this. I live in the southeast, where Ezzo is still quite popular, and am expecting my first baby next spring. I've read enough to know that Ezzo is not the way to go, but your wisdom here concisely says what I have felt about the program. It's hard to go against the flow when seemingly everyone (mostly first-time parents) think that you should be doing it the Gary-way. So thank-you, thank-you.
Rebekah
Birmingham, Alabama
Posted by: Fittsy | August 30, 2005 12:43 PM
Your comments concerning the Ezzo's method were interesting. I did somewhat use this "method" with my youngest (of 2), and I had a wonderful experience with it. BUT, I also am sure that I did not follow it exactly because I had only borrowed the book. I think it worked for me because of my son's personality. He is very laid back, but he responds very well to structure. In fact he LOVES structure. Also, as a newborn, he was very sleepy. If I had followed the advice I was given by others to not breastfeed him until he cried, he probably would have died. The fact that I "scheduled" him to eat every 2 hours, definitely helped him. I have heard horror stories, though, of parents who follow Ezzo to the letter. I think parents need to use common sense. Recently, I have enjoyed reading Jane Nelson's books on Positive Discipline. Has anyone else read these? What do you think? I was impressed with her desire to raise children who were self controlled rather than parent controlled.
Posted by: Sue Cappucci | August 30, 2005 1:38 PM
Thank you for your comments. I like how you point out that this method is parent-centered. Having used the method with our first I would definitely describe it that way. I hope that this gets around to new moms everywhere. When I think of the time I allowed my poor oldest son to cry when I should have been comforting him...it's a bitter pill to swallow now.
Posted by: Sara | August 30, 2005 3:19 PM
Barbara,
Interesting insights. I always enjoy reading about your experiences.
I must say though that I, too, have had a positive experience LOOSELY following the Ezzo's books. (Never had the classes)
What I find amusing is that apparently some people think it a necessity to "warn" others of the evils of Ezzo...over and over again...on any blog that mentions his name (even if they have never commented there before.) Any time the name Ezzo or, heaven forbid, Pearl is used I always see a certain name in the comments. (Do these people google the names daily, I wonder.) I'm not sure I get this attitude. Why is it so important that others be swayed to join the Ezzo bashing?
Posted by: Connie | August 30, 2005 3:37 PM
Thanks, Connie -
I guess they feel compelled to warn others because - as Jesus pointed out - people are a lot like sheep and sheep are easily led astray by flawed and manipulative leaders.
For the past decade or so there have been people who have followed Ezzo not like you or my daughter, using common sense, but with the kind of rigidity that did damage to their children and their families. Pediatricians in southern California and elsewhere noted a trend to babies with "failure to thrive' - another name for starvation. Additionally, friendships were destroyed and churches split because of the cultishness of the Ezzo's teaching.
So I guess those you refer to feel they are doing some good by warning people. And who's to say? Maybe they are. Maybe one night when a mom is listening to her baby wail and her sheets are soaked with milk she'll think to herself, "Maybe like so-snd-so said (because I'm not familiar enough with the recent stuff on Ezzo to know who you're talking about), this isn't right."
And maybe that baby will get fed and maybe his parents will be stretched a little.
There always have to be voices in the wilderness, don't you think?
Posted by: barbaracurtis | August 30, 2005 4:06 PM
I have never blogged about the Ezzo's. This is actually my first blog ever! (Just heard Barbara on Midday Connection. Thank you for your ministry. I am looking forward to visiting your site and making use of your materials more in the future.)
My sister tried Ezzo advice on her now 3 year old son. I remember her tearfully explaining to me "the book says...." while her son cried for over an half hour. Fortunately she threw the book away and I recommend all do the same! I believe it is dangerous to parents like my sister and myself who had a not so good upbringing and want to do things "right "with our children. It's much easier to follow a "prescription" rather than wing it and try to figure things out on our own. Hence people following Ezzo's recommendations to the letter and children suffering for it. For example, I know of a very nice couple whose 4 children, thanks to Ezzo have all slept through the night between 2 -3 months of age. The mother told me her routine of swaddling, etc... and I saw her 6 month old swaddled. But I also recently heard that they were visiting a doctor about their 2 year old... he doesn't walk! Could it be that swaddling has stunted his development??? I really don't know...
Posted by: Gena | August 30, 2005 5:03 PM
Hmmmm...that's weird (re. the comment about swaddling above)! I always swaddle my babes for naps (because they love it), though I do stop around 3-4 months. I don't think Ezzo tells moms to swaddle babies, though (????).
I can't imagine swaddling stunting development if she just does it for naps, really... (think of the Native American papoosed babies, or the African babes carried around all day on Mom's back--now that's some SERIOUS swaddling, I tell you, and I don't think their babies were stunted)...
Barbara,
I totally heard what you said about the fact that some people DO use Ezzo's materials loosely and have great results.
I guess I was just voicing my thoughts because sometimes there's so much negativity on the subject, and so I was explaining why I have yet to jump on the anti-Ezzo bandwagon, EVEN though I don't particularly care for Ezzo and was even the primary (behind-the-scenes) voice that kept his materials from being brought into our own church up here in Alaska.
Today I see the parents who DO like Ezzo and have had a positive experience with the materials being vilified--now they have to hide or justify their parenting preferences (in most cyber circles I've ever been in, that is). That is something I find distasteful, personally.
I didn't feel like YOU were being nasty to those parents, though--your Ezzo critique was very well done, and I didn't mean to imply otherwise. Kudos! *grin*
Blessings,
Molly
Posted by: molly | August 30, 2005 7:00 PM
It has been very interesting to read about Ezzo's stuff. I loosely followed what I read in "Babywise" 5 years ago. I do wish I had held my first son more when he was crying (he was crying because he had colic or reflux- whatever it is that makes babies cry ALL DAY and NIGHT). By the time my second son was born, I definately held him more. I never took the class.
There were things I ignored. Some things were helpful though. Specifically, teaching the kids to play alone for a half hour or so. Also, slowing increasing what you allowed them to do instead of letting them do what they want until they get into trouble and then limiting them.
My big problem with the parents that live around me is how much they are controlled by their children. Last week I went to a Barnes and Noble. There is usually a train set that my son plays with, but this day all the trains were gone. When we came back a few minutes later, a little girl was playing with them. I asked her mom where they had been and she said the little girl took them to the bathroon with her because she wouldn't go to the bathroom without them.
Another instance we invited a neighbor to the pool with us. I told her the rules at the community pool before we went there. She chose to break many of them to keep her son happy. My kids were crying because she was letting her son do things we don't let our children do (and we are not very strict). In addition to making my life harder when I am with children like this, I think it is a disservice to them. Usually, they can't get along with other children very well and don't thrive is school because they are so used to rules being bent for them.
I see marriage crumbling because a little person is running the family. The children come first at the expense of the marriage and the husband.
This doesn't have much to do with Ezzo- just what I have noticed around here. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest!
Posted by: Angela | August 30, 2005 10:14 PM
"What I find amusing is that apparently some people think it a necessity to "warn" others of the evils of Ezzo...over and over again...on any blog that mentions his name. . ."
I resemble that implication! *LOL*
Well, ummm, yeah. You're right. I do feel compelled to warn (yes, warn--not "warn") mamas about Gary Ezzo's materials and questionable qualifications for Christian leadership.
Partly because I wish someone had talked with me when we first heard of Ezzo's materials about God's design in breastfeeding and infant development, and about the false premises in Ezzo's materials.
And partly because I've known so many, many Christian families who have had such regrets and sadness about implementing Gary Ezzo's teachings in their families.
When you write "warn"--I assume it's because either you think these materials really can't be harmful, or that you assume everyone already has sufficient information to make an educated decision about the implementation of these ideas in their family. Sadly, I've found that not to be the case.
And I agree with Molly *gasp* that criticism of Gary Ezzo can often feel to a parent who uses his ideas as criticism of themselves as parents. Personally, I try to convey that I trust that each Christian mother and father loves their children dearly, and is striving to raise them to the glory of God. And that *they* are the best parents for their own children--no one could love them more or care for them more.
Posted by: TulipGirl | August 31, 2005 12:44 AM
Barbara, there is one point on which I disagree with you. Perhaps we don't really disagree in thought, but just in how it is communicated.
"For the past decade or so there have been people who have followed Ezzo not like you or my daughter, using common sense, but with the kind of rigidity that did damage to their children and their families."
My experience has been that families who have used Ezzo's materials, even with flexibility and common sense, still very frequently have problems. The problems are not with the parents being rigid, but with decisions based on foundationally flawed materials.
Posted by: TulipGirl | August 31, 2005 12:47 AM
Briefly, about Ezzo....once upon a time ago I didn't think much about sharing Babywise with the disclaimer that you had to use "common sense" - and that after about three paragraphs I threw the subsequent book (about babies five months old and up) in the trash can. (I, too, had a sleepy baby once and was even advised by my lactation consultant to "schedule" - in order to establish my milk supply and because my daughter preferred sleep to eating.) Recently, though, I have realized how damaging it has actually been for our family in how often I have read material and tried to swallow the meat, but spit out the bones. When you eat bony meat, your chances of swallowing a bone increase tenfold or more. Not Ezzo, but other such philosophies (truly child-centered to the point of parents losing authority, versus what I agree is a really parent-centered approach with Ezzo) were creeping into our home although I was sure I could easily filter out that which was not good for "us"...And I consider myself a "thinking" and "intentional" parent - but much has crept in unintentionally.
On the topic of growing as parents... Several years back I filled out a survey which asked the question "What is your best quality as a parent?" My response was quick: "My desire to discern when I am wrong with my children and to humble myself and ask forgiveness from them." The next question was "What is your worst quality as a parent?" My response was just as quick: "How very often I have to do the above."
May I offer this encouragement to moms? Keep in mind that which was behind Paul - a history of persecuting Christians to the point of death for many. In Philippians he writes, "...But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (3:13-14) Press on, Moms! Press on!
Posted by: Kari | August 31, 2005 9:40 AM
Barbara - Great post on the Ezzos' questionable theory about how to raise kids. With a 1-year-old, I heard a lot of talk about "Babywise" and "GKGW". Your post and previous article sum up my thoughts quite nicely.
Posted by: Jana | August 31, 2005 9:47 AM
While I don't agree with putting the child first in the family, I think the problem with the Ezzo method is it doesn't put the child *anywhere.* First, second, third, last. The child's needs--except for the supposed need to be controlled--are never factored in. The parents are considered the only ones with legitimate needs.
Posted by: Jane Lebak | August 31, 2005 10:54 AM
barbara, it wasn't our church you were shunned and driven out of, was it? I sure hope not.
But beside that, I was wondering about that "straw man" arguement that you mentioned awhile back, if a lot of that is going on: holding up what you think they teach and attacking that.
I liked much of the basics of what the Ezzo's taught, but I did see it was really easy to misapply and misunderstand, and I agree that it is the responsibility of the teacher to make his message clear. I also had to overlook a lot, like his demeanor and what looked like a haughty manner. But I've known others who have given that impression, and have improved upon acquaintance. I never had the spiritual impression that the Ezzo's weren't our Christian brothers.
So while I wouldn't put them up on a pedestal, neither would I vilify them.
Also, I didn't read into the name "Growing Kids God's Way" that they necessarily meant the Ezzos way was the Only Way, but that this class was for people who wanted to discover God's way and this could be a step in finding it.
God bless you, Barbara, you are a real encouragement to me.
btw, someone asked me if I raised my last kids different than I did my first. Walloping Yes!! Then I made the comment/joke that the OT practice of a double-portion inheritance for the first-born was sort of a settlement for damages done. (Sorry about all those disciplinary experiments, son. Thing is, God was actually using you to change me.)
Posted by: Veronique | August 31, 2005 12:01 PM
LOL, Veronique, I'll have to remember that one! I never read the Ezzo book so can't comment on that but have had experience with some of the things mentions here. My mom (a neonatal nurse using formula) still thinks all babies should wait three hours between feedings from day one. She says that's why my bro. and I slept through the night from two weeks old on. I didn't take her advice even with my first and she slept through the night at three weeks anyway. Now my son is 3 months and on a pretty consistant two hour schedule and *usually* sleeps eight hours or more. I also can't stand just letting my baby cry. Both my mom and husband still struggle with self hatred and trouble believing they are loved because of the neglect of their infancy and childhood. BTW that doesn't mean I drop everything the minute Little Man crys either, like pps said it is a common sense thing.
Posted by: Cheri | September 1, 2005 5:03 AM
I guess I'm with Tulipgirl on the anti-Ezzo bandwagon. :) I think the dangers of it (a main one being babies who are failure-to-thrive) outweigh the potential benefits some parents may get from it. And I have a friend who's first baby was failure to thrive b/c she followed these strict teachings.
I also find it a bit insulting when some say, "well, I think there's a lot of good stuff in it, but some people take it too far, don't use common sense or whatever, and so I wouldn't personally recommend it to others."
I was once one of those "others" who started using some of these things (some Ezzo ideas for older children, Pearl stuff etc.), before realizing some of the problems with it.
Posted by: Anne | September 1, 2005 11:27 AM
Wow, Barbara,
Wish I had found you back when you first wrote that piece! Thank you for what you said...you are a great writer!
Posted by: chewymom | September 7, 2005 10:35 PM
Ok- let me get on my own bandwaggon. I followed babywise and took the class. I consider myself a fairly discerning person. I thought the videos were a bit strange and we all tended to laugh a bit. But I never thought it was cultish nor did my husband who is very sensitive to that. My three daughters who were well fed and slept through the night at an early age lived on the babywise plan. I thought it was great. They were loved and secure. And we were all happy. They never fussed. Maybe I was lucky?
Their growth charts were healthy. This is where I have trouble. My pediatrician told me to feed my babies every three hours. I kept track of diapers and made sure they were wet/poopy enough. Why is it that people say that is unhealthy if my ( and I would assume most) health professionals recommend feeding every three hours? Ezzo specifically tells parents to keep track of wet dapers to make sure they are getting enough. And what is wrong with babies sleeping through the night early? Mine were sleeping through the night at 6 wks, 8 wks and 10 wks respectively. I was rested, they were rested. We all felt great.
If you take the class you learn about an older child making an appeal after obedience- restitution/ forgivenss. I don't understand what people see is wrong with these concepts. I wish people would explain specifically what they had problems with instead of making blanket statements that it was wrong/cultish etc.
I agree that society is not necessarily child centered as Ezzo states. I agree that society is self centered but in the self centeredness I believe parents move into the permissive area so that they don't have to deal with the child and discipline them. " Give them what they want and leave me alone " is the attitude I see.
Now to explain who I am a bit so you won't think I am a wacko. I homeschool my three daughters and am completely devoted to teaching/ mentoring/ loving/training my children. I spend great amounts of time with them because thats what I believe God wants me to do. My desire is to raise them up in the admonition of the Lord and to raise them to be pure and chaste women of God who will marry Godly men and raise children and homeschool them as they are.
I just don't get the Ezzo hate fest.
Susan
PS- I have a friend who also followed the Ezzo plan. Her child was a bit more fussy but fell into a great routine and was very happy as well. To this day my girls are great sleepers and have never required sleep aids and they don't get up in the middle of the night. I attribute this to following Ezzo's plan.
Posted by: Susan | September 8, 2005 2:52 AM
As a homeschooling mom of 6 I must agree with Susan. I definitely understand the critics of the Ezzos, truly I do, but I also have had great success with the Babywise plan. After demand feeding my son for 5 months, he was constantly fussy, crying and almost never slept day or night for more than an hour at a time. Someone told me about the Babywise plan-- being at my wit's end and feeling like a failure as a mom-- I implemented the schedule. Within 5 days my son's "colic" was gone. He no longer cried for hours on end, he started taking 2 wonderful naps a day and slept 8 hours a night. All within 5 days of starting the schedule. My child went from being utterly miserable and inconsolable to peaceful, happy and thriving... in 5 days. Are these results typical? Maybe not--I don't honestly know. Should all parents use this method with all children? Common sense would have to put forth a resounding "no!" Did it work for us and bless our household immeasurably? It most surely did. I agree that some parents do take a "method" or "teaching" and use it in place of God-given common sense and prayerful reasoning and I understand the warnings of others about the Ezzos and their methods...truly I do. But I feel that this warning must be raised across the board...whether we are reading books by the Ezzos, Dr. Dobson or even Barbara Curtis! I believe we are all called to be Bereans. There is absolutely no human being on earth, no book written by a human mind, no human devised method that is infallible. The Bible alone is infallible and therefore ALL things must be filtered through the knowledge of Scripture and through careful and considerate prayer. Condemning and villifying those who found some value in the Ezzos teachings is just not right. We must be careful to understand that God sometimes does use the imperfect, the fallible and the frail to bless others. Doesn't EVERY human philosophy, opinion, teaching or method fall under the category of "imperfect, fallible and frail"? If we keep this in the front of our minds, we're far less likely to use human resources as the "ultimate" authority for any area of our lives. Instead of bashing the Ezzos, or the Pearls or whoever, wouldn't it be far more productive to tirelessly encourage brothers and sisters in Christ to diligently search the Scriptures and not to accept ANY human philosophy, teaching or method as "the way"? No human being, no matter how learned, should be placed on the pedastal of being the ultimate teacher, authority or expert on God's ways--no matter how eloquent the words or "beautiful" the philosophy.
Posted by: Jessie | October 2, 2007 1:13 PM
Thanks for this. We read Baby-Wise before the birth of our first child. Yeah, that lasted only a couple months. Then I realized that this was not how God parented me and I happily chucked the whole thing. Six kids later, I'm a completely different sort of parent. Co-sleeping, baby-wearing and much more RELAXED! Thank the Lord!
Posted by: Daja | January 31, 2009 1:30 PM
