August 5, 2005 5:45 PM
The Truth About Boys and Girls - Part Two
Let boys and girls express their innate differences
Anyone still needing a dose of reality concerning gender differences will find it at school recess. Boy/girl differences show up in the middle-class suburbs and tough inner-city schools, crossing all racial and economic lines. Girls tend to hang out in groups of two or three, in intimate discussion. They make eye contact, listen intently and work at building relationships. As often as not it's relationships they're discussing—with parents, teachers, siblings, other friends. They choose games like hopscotch and jump rope where everyone gets a turn. Differences in skill are minimized and the atmosphere is supportive. Girls want to be liked.
Boys, on the other hand, freshly sprung from the enforced immobility of the classroom, are often raucous, rowdy and rambunctious. They play in large groups, in a constant struggle for one-upmanship which serves to reveal the leader of the pack. Their games are structured, complex and focused on scores. Boys want to win.
And that can present a problem. Nowadays, many educators regard the normal play of boys with disapproval. Picking up on the Steinem theme, they have done their best to disrupt boys' natural patterns of activity, attitudes and behavior. Many schools, disregarding boys' need for decompression time, have scrapped free-play recess for more structured activities with no competition.
Competition is out in the classroom as well. Games with winners — even musical chairs — have been replaced by more cooperative activities. If that sounds good to you, it's because you're a woman! Studies consistently show boys do better in competitive environments, so the competition-free atmosphere of some classrooms can actually cause them to become frustrated and aggressive.
Despite past research to the contrary, new studies have found that today's elementary classrooms are more geared to the success of girls than boys. Coming into kindergarten, boys are more immature: besides needing plenty of gross motor activity, they learn to read later and their fine motor skills (such as finger grasp for writing) usually lag behind those of girls. One way to compensate is to have boys start school a year later — an option many parents choose.
Some "experts" read the active, more assertive behavior of boys as indicating a propensity to violence. But this line of thinking shows a lack of respect for the unique qualities God has built into boys — the qualities that will someday make them men.
Better to take a second look, as Dawn MacDonald did. Though at first she felt uncomfortable with her sons' attraction to weapons and war games, she began to believe that in some ways their instinct for battle was preferable to the way her girls fought. She says, "With the boys, the fights are 'play' fights, just done for fun with fake weapons. Whereas when the girls engage in battle, it's with words and it's for real."
For mothers, it's often difficult to understand our sons' attraction to physical and aggressive play. With eight sons, I've done a lot of biting my tongue as I watched my sons roughhouse and wrestle. But I've learned to respect that they are who they are, and they need to express themselves without constant interference from women.
The truth is, we need to respect the right of girls to be girls and boys to be boys. Some experts push for "integrated" play between boys and girls, though many studies show children between kindergarten and sixth grade prefer same-sex play. Our kids aren't sexless. They have distinct needs and preferences. We owe it to them to let them be who God created them to be.
What You Should Know
•Elementary age boys and girls typically prefer same-sex play. If your child wants to play with the opposite sex, that's great, but don't push him into relationships he doesn't want.
•Boys thrive on competition, girls on cooperative activities. Trying to go against these tendencies is asking for a frustrated child. Give your child opportunities to play both competitive and non-competitive games.
•Male behavior is no better or worse than female behavior—just different. Do your best to accept your child as he is. While you don't want to encourage dangerous or disrespectful behavior, remember that being rambunctious or loud isn't necessarily bad behavior. Help your son find appropriate outlets for his energy.
•Teachers who don't respect boys for who they are can be harmful. Make sure your son's teacher has reasonable expectations for all the students. Most of all, check in with your son to assess his feelings about his teacher. If you sense a problem, talk with the teacher and work together to find ways to help your son get the most from his class.
Relax and enjoy your children as individuals
In reality, we parents know that the differences between boys and girls are far from absolute. Each boy is somewhere on a continuum of maleness and each girl on a continuum of femaleness. There is certainly crossover. Some boys are more relationship-oriented than some girls, some girls more competitive than some boys.
The best approach is to be on the lookout for ways to encourage your child's unique gifts and personality, regardless of gender. If that means signing your son up for tap dancing lessons or helping your daughter build a tree fort, do it.
Most importantly, look for the godly character traits behind your child's interests. A boy who prefers dolls to trucks probably has a strong nurturing side, a fantastic quality in any child. A girl who is a strong leader on the soccer field probably has the self-confidence to influence her peers in other positive ways.
Even if the scientific community changes its tune tomorrow, the essential truth in the gender discussion is this: God created us to complement and complete each other as males and females. Wherever your child is on the male/female continuum, you can delight in knowing that his or her placement is part of God's perfect plan.
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Comments
Barbara,
My husband (who tends to be less competitive than your average man) and I have four girls and two boys (ages 9 and 7 months). Our 9yo son is full of energy. We have not been inclined to involve our children in team sports as it tends to drive the schedule in ways we prefer to avoid. However, our son really seems to miss the 'rough play' and often pushes it on his sisters(13, 11, 5, 2) in spite of our admonition and instructions to 'protect and serve' his sisters.
DH got the children a BB gun which our all enjoy shooting...our son especially. We live on 4+ acres and our son has the opportunity to do some small construction projects as well as help his dad. We homeschooled and delayed his academics until he was 'ready' to read... He is now caught up age/grade wise. During the delay, we encouraged lots of hands on projects. He enjoys model trains and construction depending on the season.
Do you have any other suggestions for focusing his energies at this point for productive use that will benefit him and others and God's kingdom is he grows up?
Posted by: StephanieS | August 5, 2005 9:35 PM
What's sad is that the modern church has adopted the modality of the public schoools and our boys turn young men are suffering for it.
Spunky
Posted by: Spunky | August 6, 2005 5:59 PM
"Boys thrive on competition, girls on cooperative activities. Trying to go against these tendencies is asking for a frustrated child."
Or Mom.
From the beginning we've let our 3 boys be adventurous, 'wild', romp & wrestle - although I do insist that they have some refinement. :) Until I read the above comment, it never occurred to me just why our family life has always seemed so difficult from my point of view.
I have felt in the midst of a life & death competition more times then I care to remember. I'm a good girl. I want everyone to play nice and get along. I don't like playing board games with the 'cut throat' men in my house. I don't like seeing them vie for my attention like I'm a gold metal. And I hate the Smother's brothers "Mom likes you better" sentiment when I get sucked into some unspoken game they were playing - and God forbid I actually DO pick somebody...
It is only most recently as our youngest child (2yo), and first daughter, has been talking and interacting, that I have truly been slammed with the above quoted realization. She's such a breath of fresh air to her mom in a house full of testosterone! I can be with her and we get along so well. I don't feel pulled in 90 directions or like I have to get caught up in some adrenaline rush. We just are. It's very refreshing after the last 10 years.
Granted, I love my boys to bits... But I feel so relieved to add another piece to the puzzle. I'm not really a failure. I'm mom & wife to 3 boys and their equally male daddy.
Now, to figure out how to get out of the competition while letting them be boys and enjoy my tea parties for a few hours.
Many Thanks!
Posted by: Janel | August 7, 2005 2:49 PM
I love this. I believed boys and girls were different, but my first son was absolute proof for me.
He learned to crawl at 8 months. At that point, we didn't have any toy cars in the house. I hadn't really done much in the way of "boy stuff" with him because he just wasn't very active.
But I vividly remember the day that he discovered his daddy's slipper on the floor in his path, and began to drive it, with appropriate car noises. It was hilarious. And we got him some toy cars son thereafter.
Since then, life has been all about cars, trucks, "machimes", dirt, working with his dad, and noise, noise, noise. I have never met a girl even remotely like this. I wasn't one, neither were my two sisters. Mothering a boy has been a bit of a shock to my system. But I love it!
Posted by: Margaret | August 8, 2005 2:37 PM
I think that your advice to relax and let your kids be who they are is excellent. That means not forcing your little boy to play like a little girl or forcing your little girl to play like a little boy. But it ALSO means (in my opinion) that one should not force your little girl to play with dolls and eschew roughhousing.
The push to encourage children to engage in "gender neutral" play likely comes from the frustrating experiences of girls who were forced to play in a way that adults perceived as more "feminine" than their natural inclinations.
I certainly remember a time when we girls were the ones to suffer. I remember desparately wanting to play team sports with the boys in grade school, just to have a chance to play games of skill and competition during recess. We girls got zippo encouragement or teaching in the area of sports, so we were stuck playing clapping games and hopscotch while the boys proved their prowess! I also remembered how frustrating it was to always get dolls (which were just basically lumps of plastic that might pee if you were lucky), while the little boy down the street got a fun remote control car, a toy sling shot, and other items with interesting, movable parts.
And god forbid if we girls ever dirtied our pretty dresses-- whereas boys were expected to get into the mud. Sure, we girls may have had inherent preferences for more quiet and demure play, but boy oh boy did the adults make it obvious that they expected and preferred us to play even more quietly than we would have liked.
Posted by: cmc | August 8, 2005 3:20 PM
cmc's comments really hit the nail on the head. I remember chafing at some of the restrictions placed on girl's play. Thank goodness that my mother came from a different culture and had parents that encouraged their daughters to be themselves, to be active, to run and jump and climb, etc. She saw nothing wrong with the way my brother and I played (well, most of the time...) and made sure I always had "play clothes" so she wouldn't be tempted to fuss at me to keep my dress clean while in the midst of some wild adventure.
My older brother loved having a sister. But he made it clear that, although he was intensely protective of me, he didn't want me to be a sissy. I'm forever thankful for that.
As for competition --- I think the current anti-competitive philosophy is a backlash against the ugliness and dark side of unhealthy competition. I noticed, growing up, that the winners tended to thrive on competition, while those of us whom no one wanted on their team tended to dread competitive events, knowing we would have to suffer the wrath of our teammates, who would blame us for every lost point and mock us for our lack of athletic prowess. It can get discouraging to be forever in last place, and to always bear the label of loser.
At the same time, I have come to believe strongly in healthy competition, minus the ugly dark side. I think our children lose something valuable when winners are not allowed to win.
Just this past week, I was involved in a competitive event (the world championships on our karate tournament circuit) and I came in dead last in both of my events. I knew, going in, that my incredibly accomplished and experienced sister competitors would all place ahead of me. I left feeling a great sense of accomplishment, just for getting out there and trying my best. That is a world of difference from feeling like a loser.
I've also known the great joy of placing first, and the even far greater joy of seeing my children take first place against stiff competition. If they suddenly tried to turn our tournaments into noncompetitive demonstrations, so that no one's achievements would be recognized as being better than anyone else's, that would send a message that excellence and effort didn't really matter. And that's not a lesson I want my children to absorb, no matter what their gender.
Posted by: Rebecca | August 12, 2005 1:27 PM
Can't say I had any annoyance at being forced to play "girl games"--outside of preferring to read instead of (as I then put it and wish I hadn't) "jumping around like an idiot." I wasn't an open-minded child. *grin*
Posted by: Doc | September 2, 2005 8:24 AM
Hello out there,
My name is Sarah and I am 16 years old and live with my Dad, my older sister and my two older brothers in Australia.
My mum is a lesbian and left when I was 8 years old.
Although I may only be 16, I too have an opinion of Feminism.
Feminism is just an excuse for men and women to be especially nasty to each other, kinda like religion in most cases.
Okay, so women do deserve something’s they're fighting for like equal pay and the right to choose whether or not they want to have an abortion, ability to vote, blah blah blah, but some people take it too far. Who really cares if a man can do some things that a woman can’t, and who really cares if a women con do some things that a man can’t? The thing is, a woman can’t give birth if there is no sperm to fertilize the egg.
It’s what makes us different that’s important, not wether someone has the right to do something that the other can’t….don’t you see that?
Maybe when you’re younger and have less knowledge then others is when you can see what’s really important and what just Bullshit (sorry but it had to be said).
The one thing in the world that I can stand is feminists.
You blame all your problems on men and past generations of men instead of looking around and seeing what can be done so you won’t have to blame anyone at all. You need to see that men have suffered to. Okay so maybe not in many of the same ways women have but never the less they have had it hard too. During the First and Second World War, men were forced to fight in the front line of battle and many would end up dying for a country that never even acknowledged there existence in the first place.
While men were dying, many women were staying home where they would be protected from the things that make big, tough, grown men want to kill themselves over.
Do not think that Australia doesn’t let women go and fight in the front line with the men because they want to hold you back from something thy believe only men can do, no, its because women are important to the human race, to our country, to our men. They’re not holding us back from succsess; they’re holding us back from dying.
And if you think my view is favouring one sex over the other, you should listen to yourselves.
“I have a penis.†Says the man.
“Oh yeah, well I have one too.†Replied the women.
Posted by: Sarah | September 19, 2005 5:19 AM
