September 15, 2005 7:17 PM
Dobson on motherhood and boys
These are excerpts from Dr. James Dobson's August newsletter:
I have the highest respect and admiration for those who are blessed to be called mothers. There are few assignments in human experience that require the array of skills and wisdom needed by a mom in fulfilling her everyday duties. She must be a resident psychologist, physician, theologian, educator, nurse, chef, taxi driver, fire marshal and occasional police officer. And if she succeeds in each of these responsibilities, she gets to do it all again tomorrow. . . .The amazing thing about mothers is that . . . they would do it with love and grace. God made ’em good at what they do. And He gave them a passion for their children. Most of them would quite literally lay down their lives to protect the kids entrusted to their care. Despite that commitment, however, many women admit that raising boys has been a special challenge. As we mentioned earlier, they remember what it was like to be a frilly little girl, but they have only a vague notion of how their sons feel, think and behave. Boys are bent on making messes, teasing the other siblings, racing through the house and challenging every decision and order that comes their way.
One of my colleagues, Dr. Tim Irwin, shared his observation that women who have not grown up with brothers are often shocked by the sheer physicality of boys — by the sights and sounds and smells they generate. Some admit they are completely "clueless" in knowing how to deal with them. One obvious suggestion is to help boys release their excess energy by getting them involved in activities where fighting, laughing, running, tumbling and yelling are acceptable. Soccer, karate, Little League and football are a few possibilities. Moms also need to keep boys’ little minds and hands busy. It’s in their best interest to do so. . . .
There’s another characteristic of boys that I’ll bet you’ve noticed. They ain’t listening most of the time. They have a remarkable ability to ignore anything that doesn’t interest them. Men are like that too. My wife can’t understand how I am able to write a book, including this one, while a televised football game is blaring in the study. I don’t actually watch and compose at the same time, but I can turn off the sound in my mind until I choose to hear it, such as when a replay appears on the screen. After watching for a moment, I go back to what I was doing. This is a "talent" that drives women crazy. . . .
Alas, boys have that same ability to ignore their moms. They honestly don’t hear the words that are being poured into their ears. That is why I recommend that you as a mom reach out physically and touch your boys if you want to get their attention. When they turn to look at you, give them your message in short bursts. . .
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Dr. Dobson goes on to discuss the importance of early maternal bonding, and how the results show up 50 years later in their very grown-up sons' health. He takes us to visit the eerily silent orphanages of Romania, where neglect has led even these infants and toddlers to even give up trying for attention. He cites the latest research on daycare, and shares how he and his wife Shirley pinched pennies so she could stay home with their children.
You can read the entire text here.
I just wanted to share these passages because they relate to subjects I've dealt with at MommyLife: the many, many skills of mommies - if they were smart, Fortune 500 companies would come trolling the minute we became Empty Nesters! - and the thinking outside the box we have to do to raise boys properly.
I had to smile when he mentioned smells, thinking how strange it always felt to go upstairs when it was inhabited by four teenage boys - as though I were entering some primitive odiferous lair. And of all the times when they were little and I had to learn to bite my tongue to keep from saying, "Watch out! You'll hurt each other! Stop! Don't do that!" Thank God I had four boys in a row so I was forced to rethink everything and come to terms with their needs as creatures who would grow up to be men.
Hmmm - that makes me remember an article I once published called "How Barbara Got Her Gun." I'm gonna dig that one out and share it with you. It's dated, but it might make you smile.
Posted in Mothering | Permalink
