September 8, 2005 1:08 PM
No more Cockeyed Optimist for me
I am feeling throughly depressed and hopeless- not a place I usually spend much time.
But still.
I guess I'm way too idealistic and way too optimistic. I always see the upside and my enthusiasm sometimes bouys me along until a brush with reality drops me flat. When that happens, I remind myself not to be so naive next time. But sooner or later something comes up where I have to catch myself and realize that, sure enough, I've done it again.
The most vivid example was our first adoption of a baby with Down syndrome. At the time, we had a three year old son with Down syndrome and a two year old daughter (our eighth and ninth). When Jonny was born we did not go through a grieving period, but were excited at the new opportunity we'd been given, knowing it would be a blessing. Being familiar with a child with Down syndrome, I was optimistic - optimistic enough that we adopted not only Jesse, but less than a year later Daniel. When it turned out Jesse had more complex issues than down syndrome - things that weren't easily dealt with and altered our lives more radically - I hit a wall and did spend a month or so feeling helpless and hopeless. Coming out of it, I realized that God uses my enthusiasm and shot-sightedness to call me to obedience. And the bottom line about that is, I am grateful he made me that way and that he has called me to the life he has.
But today, after trying to communicate and feeling pretty darn vulnerable and pretty darn helpless in terms of doing any good at all in the area of race-relations, I feel hopeless again. Maybe everything that's happened post-Katrina won't change a thing at all. Although my spirits lifted when I saw a senior black man at the Astrodome saying he had been changed - that all his life he'd been prejudiced against white people, but now he saw he was wrong (thank you, Lord, for making sure I saw that, because I don't watch much TV) - still the forces arrayed against reconciliation are so strong, I doubt that white people can come out from under the blanket of blame at all.
Even Bill Cosby, when he called for less blame and more personal responsibility was misunderstood and even villified by the black community. What can a white woman possibly add to the discussion?
Still it breaks my heart. (tears)
And then Kari's comment today was a wake-up call for me:
It's a rarity for me, but in this case I am not in total agreement with you, Barbara... PLEASE realize there are seasons of life for such actions of mercy on behalf of Believing (and non) families. With two young daughters, ages 4 and 6, we have hesitated to put our names on any lists - including HSLDA - as of yet, first and foremost because of the safety of our daughters. We could blindly say God will protect our children if we do what is right ---- but then, He gave us to our children as their protection and He gives us wisdom, as well. To some He has given wisdom and experience which I believe He means for us to share with others.My husband is both a Licensed Counselor AND, and this is what has opened our eyes to SO MUCH, a Sex Offender Treatment Provider for the state of Virginia. Barbara, we could tell you stories that make your head spin and your stomach churn. And those are the stories my husband has actually shared with me --- there are so many more, most involving children and the disabled, girls AND boys that I know he carries with him and can share only with those who have likewise been wizened to some extent by being in the field.
After more than a decade with experience in Corrections, Juvenile Justice, private hospitals, and private practice, my husband rightly realizes the risks associated with having someone stay in your home and making them part of your family - be they white, black, poor, rich --- and in all honesty, the profile of a sex offender is generally not even the profile of your "typical" welfare recipient.
I just want you and your readers to understand first, how prevalent childhood sexual abuse is AND that we mommies and daddies are their defense. Yes, the Lord can protect our children, but sometimes He chooses not to intervene. Frequently it is family members of whom we must be cautious...which is why it is something which must be prayed over very seriously AND planned out very carefully when we invite someone into our home and treat them as family.
I cannot be certain of my statistics, so I will not give any here...but the number of girls who have been molested/sexually abused by the time they graduate high school would sound ridiculously high to some. Yet, then I start to hear the stories...Three of my close friends were all abused/molested as children. Numerous other acquaintances were relieved to share their stories with me when I broke my silence in the throes of post partum depression. Many were growing up in Christian homes and were abused by those whom their parents thought they should be able to trust.
I was molested at the age of nine. Only once - but it was enough to change my life forever. And in my case it was not by a family member.
Barbara, I just want your readers to not feel guilty if they are in a season of life in which they must choose to help in other ways than housing a family for the protection of their own children. Yes, we can all help. Yes, we can all reach outside of our comfort zone. IF someome has young children (and I was molested at NINE - even that is young!), they must be prepared to exercise vigilance in their home while entertaining strangers as family.
(And a note for those looking to argue that I am distrusting of those of a certain race or economic level, check out the profile for your typical sex offender - they are actually more likely to be white, middle-class, clean cut, with a job...though there are MANY who DON'T fit that profile!)
You're right of course Kari. I was molested for a year by a foster home person and raped by his son at age nine. In the early 70's I was one of the founding mothers of San Francisco Women Against Rape, where I spent many hours working with victims and did a lot of public education.
I'm afraid that I have once again been way too over-the-top Pollyanna. Only those who feel personally led and who are realistic about the risks involved should take what I said seriously. Anyone who does proceed should use the utmost caution. And no one should feel in any way remiss or guilty for putting their children and their family first. In fact, I will probably take a step back myself.
Comments
Thank you for this post. I've been feeling terribly guilty lately of not going out of my way as I normally would have pre-baby to help other people - a nervous, edgy-sounding homeless man seen in Blockbuster (I hovered near the emergency exit as I held my 8 month daughter) - and wanting but being wary of volunteering up our home to evacuees. I find I am much more "selfish" in terms of wanting to keep my daughter safe so I am not out "there" helping as much. It's frustrating and sometimes shameful, but true.
Posted by: Laura | September 8, 2005 3:32 PM
