September 1, 2005 8:24 AM
Starting Over
Molly, at Choosing Home, just posted an interview we did via email a couple weeks ago. (If you're new to blogs, click on the bold letters to be linked to the source.)
Great timing, as I am getting mail from mothers with a couple years experience who worry they've blown it already. Some feel they chose the wrong approach raising their kids and are seeing resulting problems in the older ones. Some are struggling after the first baby making the transition to motherhood, others struggling with the second baby and multiple demands. Some women are worried about their anger and bitterness, escpecially when they find themselves taking it out on their children.
For those who need it, let's just imagine that we are going to choose a new path today. I wish I could be there to walk you down it, but this blog will be my best effort.
First, dealing with those scary feelings: Begin a practice today of taking control. When you feel overwhelmed or about to lose it, take a deep breath and ask God for help. Try to remember to treat your child the way you would have wanted to be treated as a child. It's not your children who are causing your unhappiness - but you know that already, don't you? And that's what makes it scary, is you don't know what is causing the unhappiness and it's scary to think you might be this unhappy forever.
You are dealing right now with being brought up in a culture that doesn't uphold or respect mothers. Twentysome years of brainwashing so that now, as a mother, you feel not good enough. There is the very real problem of lack of emotional support. In other cultures - the ones we consider more primitive - women are surrounded by other mothers all day. Their own mothers, grandmothers, aunts, sisters are there to encourage them. We don't have that advantage. As a result, we suffer from loneliness, isolation and depression.
These feelings are natural, given the circumstances of our upbringing and the reality of motherhood. You are not a bad mother. You just need to learn better ways to do things. This will take a little time, but if you are faithful, you'll see your spirits lift day by day. And your children's as well.
I will do my best to help with the things I have learned and to point you to other helpful and inspirational material.
For today, just remember those deep breaths. If your frustration is caused by the housework vs. the children, schedule at least one block of time to forget the housework and do something with your kids. Take a walk, fly a kite, play a game together, sing silly songs, turn on some music - classical, 50's, whatever - and dance together. Read at least two books together.
The journey to being a better mother is built on these little decisions we make each day. I wish I could mount an ad campaign like Nike and tell mothers, "Just Do It."
So just do it. Read about my past to see what a miraculous change can occur when you turn your life over to the care of a Heavenly Father. He makes all things new - including tired, depressed, isolated, lonely, angry and misunderstood mothers, many of whom never received the love they now have the opportunity to give. He is there to show you the way. He will bring the right teachers into your life to encourage you.
Be strong. Be brave. Be of good cheer!
I'm out to do errands this morning. Be blessed today. Be kind to yourself and kind to your kids. And if you blow it, tell God you're sorry and ask him to help you do better. Then start again.
Posted in Mothering | Permalink
Comments
Barbra - this is so timely, thank you so much. I am dealing with some heavy extended family problems which have left me so drained. my children have been getting the raw end of my temper and I was starting to feel quite overwhelmed. Thank you for the encouragement.
Posted by: Annie | September 1, 2005 9:28 AM
Keep posting like this, and I'm going to have to buy the Mommy Manuel. :-)
Posted by: Julana | September 1, 2005 10:37 AM
Thanks, Barbara. I know this will bless many moms today and in the future.
Posted by: Lexie | September 1, 2005 10:41 AM
This is a great post!
Posted by: surcie | September 1, 2005 2:01 PM
Barbara,
I just read your interview at Choosing Home. You have such a sweet, humble way of opening yourself up for the benefit of others. I love to read about your life. You are such an encouragement to me!!
Posted by: Connie | September 1, 2005 3:13 PM
