October 22, 2005 9:49 AM
Agreeing to disagree
Another comment reply – under Intellectual Consistency - that turned into an entry:
Thanks for all these comments. I just want to make it clear that I'm not trying to be right or steamrollering over other opinions.
I just happen to believe it's a good thing to learn to handle differences of opinion in a mature way, where we just accept that we're not all going to agree about everything and we're not devastated or appalled when a teacher or a friend says something with which we disagree.
The other day my daughter Samantha was here with her family for Sunday dinner. My boys were home from college and some of their friends were here too, so there was quite a crowd and a lot of conversations going on over the kitchen counters and at the table.
Sam - who has five kids 3-12 – and I got into a discussion on some aspect of child discipline where we disagreed. Sam tends to be stricter than I am. Of course she's 21 years younger, so she's got the energy to be stricter :)
All of a sudden, I noticed that all the other conversations had stopped and everyone was listening to ours - and looking a little worried. When Sam and I reached the end of our conversation there was an uneasy silence.
"What?" I asked, looking at everyone.
“That’s it? You’re finished?†someone – maybe Zach or Ben – said.
It seems everyone had been waiting for an explosion. That’s where they thought the discussion – which they viewed as a fight – would lead. Sam and I are both oldest children so we were firm in expressing our convictions, but at no point had we been angry or emotionally involved in the argument. At no point did either of us lose respect for the other. We were just explaining our reasons for our different approaches.
"You mean you weren't fighting?"
"Nowhere near. We were just sharing ideas.â€
That's really how it should work. But the astonishment of the others made me realize how rarely it does. And it made me appreciate what a precious thing it is when two people are secure enough in who they are to allow God’s grace to fill the places in which they disagree. But God can’t do it alone. It has to be something we aim for in our relationships too.
I am so grateful for my relationship with Sam and the freedom in our relationship that allows us to be individuals who respect and admire each other, in spite of our differences.
I know I wasn't this way when I was younger – though I don’t think you have to be old to learn it. And it's something I've learned since becoming a Christian - though I don't think you have to be a Christian to learn it and many Christians seem never to learn it at all – to keep disagreements on the level of ideas and not emotions.
And to remember the common ground we share. For me that’s love for our families and finding the joy in being a mom.
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