November 18, 2005 5:49 PM
More thoughts on self-esteem
As I've said before, I read Elisabeth Elliot in the morning and let her words percolate through the day, mixing with whatever is going on in my life and in my heart.
Recently I made a remark about a purple dinosaur brainwashing kids into having self-esteem, and a dad wrote that he liked Barney and didn't think it was brainwashing. I think Barney's pretty harmless, but what strikes me is that what his creators are doing is trying to fill in the gaps for kids who may be lacking in self-esteem. And my theory is that children lack self-esteem when they grow up feeling unnecessary.
We find our purpose through our work - whether physical or mental - and children stand poised to begin that process. If they have opportunities to contribute to the family through sweeping the floor, setting the table, putting away the dishes - then they will have true self-esteem that springs up from within rather than just words that come from someone on TV.
Self-esteem has become kind of a yucky term though - for all the reasons Elisabeth Elliot pointed out. Because we are taught that to gain self-esteem we must be selfish and unteachable. That's not the case at all. Those with healthy self-esteem are highly teachable because they're not threatened by finding out they've been on the wrong track - but instead, eager to start fresh on the right one.
But because self-esteem has taken on so many weird connotations, I prefer the word confidence.
A funny thing about confidence is that some people feel uncomfortable around it - sometimes even offended.
Case in point: Recently a young mother attacked me for being "arrogant" and "prideful." This is only the second time this has happened since I started blogging. I know - and I think those who know me know - that this just isn't the case at all. I'm very aware of my shortcomings - how could I not be with 12 kids to remind me?
But it got me thinking about the false piety we sometimes witness in Christians who confuse humility with self-abnegation. Trying hard to be humble, they often end up the proudest of all - convinced they've got the humility thing down better than anyone else.
Hey, why not relax a little? I really don't think God intended for us to be stressed out about being humble. I really believe it's much simpler than that. And I don't believe he intended for us to be moping around like some Vigilante Eeyore, pouncing on anyone who shares her ideas with just a little too much confidence.
We are God's creatures. He made us in His image. He made us to be co-creators. He wants us to be expansive and filled with joy and excited about life.
As Eric Liddell explained his calling: “I believe that God made me for a purpose...but he also made me fast. And when I run, I feel HIS pleasure!" When we do what we are supposed to be doing and we do it well - not perfectly, but well - when we are positive that we are putting others before ourselves, then the resulting confidence is entirely appropriate.
Anyone who teaches, serves, or in any way leads needs that confidence to carry on. But there are always those who misread the energy that keeps them moving forward with their task. To them I say, please give me the benefit of a doubt and know that anything that comes across as pride is only my enthusiasm for what God has done in my life - and what he can do in yours.
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Comments
I recieve the Elizabeth Elliot devotions as well. I love them!
anyway, on the subject of "confidence" a couple of thoughts.
I once heard a friend who I really looked up to go around saying "I am so humble, you just don't understand how humble I am" ok so my thought was 'pride in your humility' ?? That doesn't make sense! Needless to say it really changed my opinion of her. Much more than when I felt she was a confident young woman of God.
But that brings me to my next thought because I think in the setting that we were in (Bible College) she was getting pressure for being TOO confident. I am a little bit (????) more mature than I was in Bible College at age 18 but still when I want to speak opinions confidently I am held back by this guilt that I am "supposed" to be humble. Or when I do they are shut down so readily, usually by people more mature (at least outwardly), then my self that it holds me back.
So, if that made any sense, my question is, what advice would you give to women, mothers that feel that they do have something to share, with confidence, and they are held back, for whatever reason? What is the balance here between humility and confidence? btw, I am 26 and have been a mother for 4 years.
Posted by: Amie | November 19, 2005 8:12 AM
I care for a 4 year old and a 18mth old who are not my own. I have been racking my brain trying to figure out why they can be so down right naughty... destroying furniture and curtains to name a few things. I'm concerned about the influence on my 2 1/2 year old and 7mth old. My 2 1/2 year old participates in work & has a pretty good sense of taking care of things rather then destroying them. He has rarely done these types of "naughty" things. I really think you hit it on the head. Even at 4 years old this little guy doesn't have a sense of purpose, so he creates one by being naughty. Is it more important to protect my sons from seeing this behavior, or do I continue to try to influence the 4 year old? Thanks for your input.
Posted by: Angela H. | November 19, 2005 1:43 PM
Oh my word! Thanks for this today! I tend to be low on the esteem/confidence scale. And I confess to feeling affronted by others confidence. In fact I have a BIL, whom I DO love, but who always comes across as having all the answers. He is very committed to doing what God directs in his life and he is very confindent in his choices. He tends to share his choices with others and sometimes it intimidates me and makes me feel aggravated with his seeming 'arrogance'. And yet I know that he doesn't mean to come across this way. He is definitely a leader (he's a lay minister in our church and great with words and counsel). So I need to remember that if God has given him the leadership qualities, then my BIL is held responsible for sharing them and I don't have to let it scare me. ;) I needed to hear that!
Posted by: Beckie | November 19, 2005 2:44 PM
You really "deserve" to speak confidently, after your years (please take no offense, it's a compliment!) and experience. I wouldn't expect a woman in her fifties to dance around an issue. I've heard you on the radio twice, and that actually rounded out my view of you greatly; you have a layer of gentle humility in your voice that may not come across as much on the written page.
My daughter is almost 2 1/2 and she does love to "work" with me, and that includes field work of sorts. For instance, last night, she got all dressed up with me for a gallery opening where I was showing some of my work, then this morning, since Daddy is hunting, she accompanied me to take some outdoor photos for a commissioned painting and afterwards made it - surprisingly quietly - through 40 minutes or so of an artist's talk at our art museum by Paul O. Zelinsky, the children's book illustrator.
All of our days are not this full of such pursuits but she gets so excited about them. I talk to her about what's going on and she gives lots of very interesting feedback.
I know you've written about including your kids in cultural events; wouldn't you say that's a step to good esteem too - if not cultural events, then inclusion in something that's important to the parents?
Posted by: Allie | November 19, 2005 2:52 PM
Amie - I think you're on to something. People can become proud of being more humble than everyone else. We are all just one step away from sin, aren't we? In answer to your question, I am going to post a prayer by Saint Teresa I posted last spring. We can't expect everyone always to understand us. Some people are anxious to assume the worst. We just have to be careful to be led by the Holy Spirit,quick to admit when we're wrong, and forgiving of people who misjudge us.
Angela - what if you prayed really hard and tried for an extreme makeover with this child - giving him lots of positive work to do and praise. You may have to let household chores go for a while and put as much as you can into him. Use music and singing. Can you possibly get his mother on the same page? Maybe she would read one of my books or my blog? By all means, be guided by the Holy Spirit as far as whether to keep trying or whether to let him go - you do need to consider your son's needs, though I have noticed that sometimes seeing bad behavior in other kids only reinforces the good in my own.
Beckie - Thanks for a letting me know that helped in understanding your BIL. I know I've gotten better as the years have gone by, but when I was younger I could be very harsh. I needed to learn how to understand other people and be more careful to work around their sensitivities. Likewise, I think the sensitive quiet people need to understand that forceful personalities are simply part of God's plan for getting certain things done and they need a lot of confidence to propel themselves. Most of us really don't mean to stampede over anyone :) Have you ever read anything about the personality types? I blogged about it here: http://mommylife.net/archives/2005/09/personality_typ.html. We are really born with distinct personalities that's why some of us rub each other the wrong way. I found that learning to understand the different types cut down on my frustration.
Allie - It's funny you should mention discussing kids, culture and the arts, because I'm just about to launce a few posts on this subject. The only thing holding me back has been time. And thanks for the remark about hearing my voice make a difference. That's actually the same voice inside my head when I write - maybe if people heard it they would understand??
Posted by: barbaracurtis | November 19, 2005 4:39 PM
I love the verse "I am confident of this very thing, that he which has begun a good work in you, HE shall perform until the day of Jesus Christ." My confidence comes from my hope in Christ.
I also love the Twila Paris song The Warrior is a Child it goes something like this...
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down,
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around.
I drop my sword and cry for just a while,
Cause deep inside this armor the warrior is a child.
When I am weak HE is strong to pick me up and give the the confidence and strength to continue this journey and help bring as many people with me as I can. My confidence comes because this warrior is a child of the KING!
Posted by: Spunky | November 20, 2005 9:27 PM
