November 28, 2005 9:49 AM
Open forum - Husbands and spiritual leadership
A reader writes:
I do have a question for you though.....about getting my husband to be the spritual leader. It is really hard for me to get him to do stuff like devotions or even to go look for a church (we recently moved), not because he is not a Christian, but I think mostly because he is lazy. (sorry I know that sounds mean, but he is busy all week and he doesn't like "chores") I also went to Bible college and have been a Christian longer than him so I have a way of seeming "more spiritual" than him. I really want to give him the oppurtunity to be the spiritual leader in our family. How can I help him? Should I just push ahead do these things whether he is motivated to do them or not?
My very brief reply - really counting on you all to share here -
This is such a tough question because you want your children to have the best spiritual education possible. In our family, with my husband working hard and me homeschooling, most of the spiritual education fell to me. My attitude was that it was delegated or entrusted to me by my husband.But the way the children look at us doesn't seem to be based on quantity at all. When Tripp pulls out the Bible at dinner or has a lesson to teach, the kids hang on his every word. So I would regard myself as laying a foundation, but he is the Head Honcho around here. Just having that clear in my head helps.
Then too, as I came across materials, I would channel them to Tripp to share with the kids - he will be doing the Advent book this year ( and since we're getting a late start we may only read it and wait until next year to actually make a Jesse tree). So I would see myself as his helpmeet - gathering things he could use to teach the kids and listening attentively so they will too.
So my answer would be: Pray for him. Teach your kids, but see yourself as second-in-command. Give your husband materials to use. When he does teach, draw his attention to how much it means to the kids.
Posted in Family, Marriage, Mothering | Permalink
Comments
Barbara, I loved your response to this! I know that I have struggled with this same area in the past and know that as homeschooling moms it can be something that troubles us. One thing that helped me greatly was to realize that my picture perfect expectations of what I thought my husband should be doing as a spiritual leader were just not going to happen. My husband would have to become someone who he is not. Instead, I was brought to see that he was the leader already and I needed to regard him as such and respect his way of doing things. We have experienced the exact thing you described...although I do the daily devotions with the kids, when my husband reads the Bible to them or talks to them about spiritual things, they listen with complete attention. He has to be who God made him to be, because the kids will sniff out if he is not being genuine with them, or trying to be something he is not.
Thank you for sharing your insights on this!
In Him,
Christa
Posted by: Christa | November 28, 2005 1:12 PM
Hi Barbara,
"Created To Be His Help Meet" by Debi Pearl would be of great help to the reader of the Spiritual Leader post. It has helped me so much. All the questions the reader posted are covered in her book although you pretty much covered it in your answer. I recommend that book to every Christian woman alive. Thanks!
Posted by: Donna | November 28, 2005 1:18 PM
Hi Barb and reader,
First, let me say that I enjoy your blog. Keep up the great work!
I'm a pastor of a church in Rochester, NY and I just finished doing a Bible study dealing with issues such as this, so the topic has been on my mind lately.
Of course Scripture speaks of wives submitting to their husbands as to the Lord, and husbands loving their wives as Christ loves the church (Eph. 5:22, 25). I told the men that we can't nor should we try to make our wives submit to us. Similarly, wives shouldn't try to make their husbands love them (or act as the head). What husbands should do is love like Christ loves and allow God to work in their wives. Similarly, wives should submit and allow God to work in their husbands.
For example, let's say you really want to find a church or do a Bible study with your husband, but he doesn't appear interested at the time. Try something like, "Honey, I'd really like to find a church for myself, but before I commit to a place I'd really like your opinion on it. Would you go with me to 1st Bible Church two Sundays from now and give me your honest feedback?" By saying that the church is for yourself, you leave him the freedom to commit himself to the church or not. By scheduling it for two Sundays from now, you give him some time to plan. By asking him to go with you for his honest feedback, you demonstrate that you value and respect him and his opinion. Plus, you tap into that God-given quality in men to want to "protect" their wives. (You really need to put going to church with your husband on the altar and pray, "Lord, I give this desire to You. Fulfill it in Your perfect timing.) For the Bible study, try something like, "Dear, I was reading this passage of Scripture the other morning and I was wondering what you thought of it." Again, you're not demanding that he lead you in a Bible study, but you're demonstrating respect for him and (godly) dependence on him by asking his opinion.
Patience and avoidance of manipulation are key here. Be sincerely interested in what he has to say. Don't demand that he do more than what he wants to do at the time. Ask the Lord to show you the value of what he says. Take every opportunity to affirm your husband. Trust that the Lord will speak to you in some way through him. We husbands want to feel capable. Sometimes we can feel intimidated if our wives come across as overly spiritual. It can be threatening especially if a wife raves about the pastor. Seeking to honor, respect and submit to your husband will go a long way in building him up and will encourage him to godly leadership.
Many Blessings!
Posted by: Brian Andrews | November 28, 2005 2:21 PM
Hi Donna -
I personally would not recommend Debi Pearl's book as the bits and pieces I've read are a little too legalistic and Christian jargon-filled for my taste (I do believe you can write from a Christian perspective without all that stifling language). I know there has been a lot of controversy about it, which anyone interested can check out beginning with http://spunkyhomeschool.blogspot.com/2005/09/pearls-respond-to-blogs.html. Also, read the reviews at amazon to figure out if it will be your cup of tea. I know for many women it's been a blessing, and I'm not putting them down for liking the book, as I hope they will not put me down for not liking it. My suspicion is that it can become a wedge issue like Ezzo - and I'm never in favor of teachers who encourage self-righteousness or judgmentalism.
Sorry for speaking so frankly, Donna, but I just want to be clear that I'm not endorsing this book, and just adding a little warning for those who do read it to be careful of feelings of spiritual superiority.
Posted by: barbaracurtis | November 28, 2005 2:26 PM
Hello, just wanted to add my two cents to this issue of Spiritual Leadership of the husband. I was born and raised in a Christian family....a Pastor's family to be exact. Although I was as far from God as one can be when I met my husband, after we were married we both wanted to be closer to God. We found a Chuch and we loved it from the begining; I recommited my life to Christ and my husband gave his life to Christ in January 2000; but I have to say: we are still growing. I grew up in a very legalistic environment so I had to re-learn what God wanted from me (my heart) and not what others wanted me to be like (my outwardly apperance).
I tend to be controlling, so submitting to my husband was very hard for me; I have to add that I am older than him by almost four years and I have gone thru different things in life that give me a different view of things. So when it came to giving him the leadership of the home I could find a million and one reasons why I couldn't and why he couldn't handle it (wow, just writting about how I used to think makes me sick).
I wanted him to be the spiritual leader of the home but I wasn't willing to give up other things. It has been only about a year that God started to show me all of the areas where I had it wrong. I realized I had most of the control in our home; I was handling the finances (without informing my husband of every thing I did with the money)and making every other decision necessary and then informing my husband about it. I don't know how he put up with me.
Then I wanted him to be the spiritual leader of this family. He could not assume that role.......and I wandered why?
It was God that little by little showed me that it was not only the spiritual part he had entrusted my husband, it was everything else. And I had taken over from the beggining. I wrestled with God for what seemed a long time and God brought different things to our life that made me recognize that I needed to surrender and submit to my husband. It took a while but I would say that this whole year I have strive to submit to him even in the little things (like where to go out for lunch) not to mention the BIG things, like controling the finances. I confessed to him that I was overwhelmed trying to do everything and I was always worried and irritable because I had too much in my hands. I told him how for a very long time I thought I had to do everything because I didn't think he could handle it.....I asked him to forgive me for thinking that way about him. I told him that I recognized all of the qualities and qualifications God had equipped him with to be able to manage our home and I asked him to fogive me for not recognizing that before. I invited him to take his place as the head of our home and I told him "I surrender".......his reaction blew me away....tears began pouring down his face and a BIG smile apeared too. I saw his self-esteem and his manhood grow right in front of my eyes.....and I finally he was more than capable of being the head of the family, I just didn't want to see it, I was too busy controlling him.
He began to flourish as the leader and today we are better than six months ago because of that, not only financially but relationaly and spiritually.
I'm not saying that this is your case. I just wanted to share with you how I wanted him to be the spiritual leader but I wasn't willing to give up all of the other areas of our home. I hope something I said here would be of help to you.
Posted by: Nilda Lovas | November 29, 2005 8:14 AM
