November 21, 2005 10:19 PM
Parenting Q&A #7 Appropriate Consequences
Melanie, mother of 4 under 5 plus keeper of two kids 7 and 4, wrote:
I think my 3 and 4 year olds are plenty old enough to keep their rooms clean. The problem is it is always a battle. Finally today I set the timer, like always, for 20 minutes. I went in to give them the 10 minute warning and nothing had been done. I had 4 of them in there to clean since they had all played in one room. I warned them thatif they did have everyhing put away in it's place that I would throw all the tpoys in a trash bag and it would be gone for long time, movies included.They didn't obey, so I bagged up every last toy, book and movie and put them in the garage. I told them they can slowly earn things back by good behavior, starting with th ebooks, but that the toys were gone for a week. My husband thinks it is too harsh for their age groups. What do you think? We usually agree on forms of discipline, but this time we just can't see eye to eye. I felt awful doing it, they were crying and crying, but I also didn't want to give in and have them think I don't mean what I say and that this behavior is ok, if they cry enough I will give in. Was I too harsh?
I replied:
Hi Melanie, Although they are pretty young, I think this was a very good "logical consequence" (a logical consequence is different from a puishment because it has some reasonable connection with the bad behavior, so that the child experiences some loss as a direct result of his actions). Actually, I think I'm going to do the same thing next time I have a similar mutiny :) The basic problem may be too much stuff. If that is the case, then releasing the toys slowly back one-at-a-time and making sure they are picked up every day will give them a good new start. The key is that the best way to use logical consequences is without any anger, but just kind of matter-of-factly and business like. "Oh, you decided not to pick up your toys. So we will have to put the toys away for a while and get them out one at a time later so you can learn to put them away when you are asked." It's not like I always do it perfectly myself, but this is what we should be striving for. So if you did lose your temper, it would probably be a good idea to go back and explain it all to them calmly. Also, it would be very good if you and your husband make sure you are on the same page about these things. Kids pick up fast when parents are in conflict about discipline, and they are quick to use it and to play parents against each other. (Not that they're evil - they're just flawed human beings like we are :) Oh, and you can cut down on the amount of stuff to get messed up by keeping half the stuff in the bag and rotating toys so they appreciate each thing when it appears after a few weeks or months of being put away.
Readers, your two cents welcome!
Posted in Mothering | Permalink
Comments
i haven't been too good with this since we moved and there isn't so much storage in this house, but i used to keep toys that had alot of small peices with them, like puzzles and small sets of blocks, in a closet, and only bring one or two out at a time. This helped alot on the clean up, not having a bunch of small peices around all the time, plus it wasn't so overwhelming for them, and as Barbara said, when we did bring a "new" toy down they did seem to enjoy it more than when they saw it everyday.
now they are older and i leave all puzzle peices in one box and the empty puzzle boards (only 4 of them or so) sitting all around the box. it gives them a new challenge to build the puzzles together, without stepping on eachothers toes, and figuring out which board has the fruit peices and which one has the farm peices...etc. And they are learning cleanup by putting all the peices back into the small shoebox when they are done, and stacking the boards up.
for thier bedroom we only have thier beds, a few books and lots of floor pillows for them. their dressers are in my room with my clothes, for now. "cleaning" is easy for them (they share a room)...they both "make" their beds (as well as 2 and 3 year olds do anyway *wink*)and they are done and i am happy and gush praise all over them...is this too easy for their age?
(the books and pillows make a good reading nook for naptimes when they aren't sleepy, but need a quiet "downtime". now i am hoping to add some new pictures along the walls of people reading, thanks to you Barbara! *grin*)
~kristy
Posted by: Kristy | November 22, 2005 4:58 AM
I have 2 tricks for encouraging cleanup. One is a "Sunday closet." I picked up this idea from a children's home I used to work at. The toys go into a closet where they are liberated on Sunday.
But I rarely have to use this because of my second trick. That is to tie cleanup to a rewarding activity. Like, "ok, I'm getting snack ready. You can eat it when the toys are picked up."
Wendy
Posted by: Wendy | November 22, 2005 7:54 AM
Here's our secret (w/ 5 children, ages 7, 5, 4, 2 and 6mos)--keep their rooms VERY SIMPLE.
Very. Simple.
They do NOT need very many toys or anything else, for that matter. Keep the most favorites of the favorites. Give away or donate everything else. And work to keep it that way.
Then, with the few toys there, give everything a place.
The 3 and 4 year old will know "what goes where" then, and be able to spend 5 minutes tidying up each morning without getting overwhelmed.
Trust me, this is the ONLY thing that has worked for us. The really funny thing is that all the toys, trinkets, etc, that were "must-have's" are barely even missed... :D And my girls LOVE their nice clean room!!!
Posted by: molly | November 23, 2005 10:35 PM
