November 22, 2005 3:46 PM
Parenting Q&A #8 Destructive Behavior
Jenny wrote:
I have 3 boys J - almost 5, D 3 1/2, and G 2 with Down Syndrome. D is, in this season, my greatest challenge. It seems he loves being destructive - taking bins of toys and throwing all of them all over the floor. Or, as he did tonight, poured out so much of the bath water that it was a small flood, or take his yogurt and smear it on the table, etc. We keep talking about taking care of things, order, I'm trying to demonstrate order, etc. He's been disciplined for it; i've offered rewards for not doing, etc. I am wondering if this is a result of him feeling like I'm not spending enough time with him, etc. AND, I keep thinking about how you say we should study our children. I am doing my best - but I'm coming up short. I'm so discouraged and I don't want to be this negative Mom to this sweet boy. Anyway - it was helpful just writing this out. Any helpful hints you have time to throw my way would be wonderful.
My reply:
I'm guessing that G has had a lot of visitors - between Easter Seals, PT, OT, ST and whatever else, there has probably been a regular bustle around him since he was born.
Lots of grownup focus and conversations on Garrett can understandably cause some resentment in D. I think this kind of acting out is pretty classic.
The answer is pretty classic, too - more one-on-one time. This is easier than it sounds, as it means maybe doing the grocery shopping at night when hubby is home and swooping up D to go with you all by himself - singing with him in the car, talking to him as you pick out groceries - letting him pick things off the shelf and praising him for what a big boy he's growing up to be. Maybe stopping for ice cream on the way home.
Also, any special time from Dad will go a long way to build up D. Same deal - doing errands together, maybe going out to breakfast (my husband used to take out one kid at a time on Saturday mornings for breakfast, though it would take many weeks to get through them all :).
I know it's been a week since you wrote. Are things any better?
Jenny wrote back:
Things have been MUCH better, actually. We've tried some new techniques that he is really responding well to. We do have reading time with each boy once a day - 30 minutes and we sing with them at that time, too. I will try to take him with me on my errands - but I usually do all my errands with all 3 boys as Andy gets home at 6:00 and we eat dinner, do baths, books and bed.
I'm printing these exchanges for a couple reasons: because someone else may be having the same problem and is seeking a solution - and because lots of you have already found solutions that are even better than mine.
With this question, I was writing from experience because Maddy was born a year after Jonny and as they grew, in some ways it seemed to her as though his life was more exciting with all the people coming in and out for his therapies.
Anyway, feel free to chime in with more ideas here!
Posted in Big families, Disabilities, Down syndrome, Family, Mothering | Permalink
Comments
Thank you! my 3 year old had been "Acting out" in small ways, not quite to this extent YET lol....but i had been trying to figure out where it was all suddenly coming from. I guess all the praise with little sister potty training? hmmm...at least i have a point to start from now! She will be my BIG helper for grocery shopping today! Thanks for the great ideas!
Posted by: kristy | November 23, 2005 2:42 AM
Kristy -
Great idea! I guess I should add that children act out because they have no language to express their feelings. So part of our job helping them through these times is to teach them to talk about their feelings - and even apologize if we've been unbalanced in our attention-giving. Then they learn to forgive and return to a normal balance - hopefully :)
Posted by: barbaracurtis | November 23, 2005 7:31 AM
My son also started acting up when our 3 month old was born. To help him remember to be good, I made up a sort of points system. Every time he did something wrong, he had to draw a sad face on a piece of paper and hang it on the door to show daddy when he got home. My son absolutely hates to make daddy sad, so this was very effective. Also, when he did what he was supposed to do he got to put stickers on the space next to his 'chore'. I do the stickers chart with my 4 year old and two kids that I watch. At the end of the week whoever has the most stickers gets a special surprise.
Another thing I do to try and make sure they each get to feel special and important is Kid of the Week. They take turns getting to be kid of the week. Kid gets to go to the store with mommy or daddy, or the last piece of candy, or to stay up and extra 20 minutes or pick what movie we rent on movie night, etc. When one of the other kids complain, I just explain that when it is their turn, they will get to the same things. Hope these tips help.God Bless.
melanie
Posted by: melanie | November 23, 2005 9:32 AM
