December 3, 2005 9:47 PM
Christmas at Mid-Motherhood
There's something really special about family traditions - something special about hauling out the boxes of things that come out only once a year. They bring back so many memories, so many longings that set them in motion.
Tonight as the younger children and I scrambled through the Christmas boxes for our special books and music - and as we decorated the mantle with greens and lights and silver baby cups - I was moved in a different way than years past. This is a unique season in my life as a mother.
In addition to two daughters already grown (with nine grandchildren!), the past two years have seen the exodus of our four oldest sons - Matt to pursue the world, Ben and Zach to pursue their education, Josh to pursue his life as a husband.
Tripp and I are moving into a new stage of our parenthood. We have raised six children. We have six more to raise. Our situation is unusual in that of the final six, four have Down syndrome and so require a little extra. We are humbled by the responsibility that God has given us and pray we are up to the task.
When Tripp and I married, we had no idea where our marriage would take us. While we started at Parenting Ground Zero - having grown up in fatherless, faithless homes - even before we were Christians we yearned for a strong family and instinctively knew that building traditions was an important part of binding our children's hearts to home.
Five years later, our first Christmas as believers nearly knocked us off our feet.
It's hard to describe the *extreme joy* (flashing lights, crashing cymbals) when the hymns you've sung for years - and even know all the words to - are suddenly illuminated and you finally, finally, truly, truly understand what they mean. In some ways I am grateful that I became a Christian late in life. Try as we might, Tripp and I remain disappointed that we were never able to fully transmit the immeasurably large capacity for forgiveness, joy, and gratitude we felt when we came to Christ.
Younger parents need to know: no matter how perfectly you parent and how hard you try, your children - at least some of them – may grow up to misunderstand and judge you. When I was young and in the full flower of my motherhood, I thought I could prevent this. I thought that my striving for perfect motherhood would be enough to cause my children to look back on all I had done and "arise and call me blessed.â€
I am deeply humbled now as I realize there is nothing I can do to make this happen. Today some may arise and call me blessed, while others may find it necessary to judge themselves better than I. I would be the first to admit that they may be.
Between me and the deepest disappointment stands the knowledge that even the Perfect Parent – Our Heavenly Father – was dissed by his children. He who’d created Heaven on Earth and who enjoyed perfect communion with his children, still saw them unwilling to maintain an authentic relationship.
Who am I to think I can be perfect or that my children will acknowledge me as even adequate?
In the end, my motherhood – the opportunities God has given me and what I have made of them – is between him and me. I love him and have tried – as I still try each day - to do the best I can
Which gives me the courage this Christmas – when all is not perfect in my life - to once again pull out the boxes and to continue doing my best to raise the six more souls with whom I’ve been entrusted. As well as to share with you – be it ever so humbly - the things I’ve learned thus far on my journey as a mother.
Our stories as mothers are not and will never be over. God is so much bigger than our foibles and our mistakes. He loves us and wants the best for us. As mothers, we are his vessels. No matter how imperfect our motherhood, he will make the most of it - on that we can trust him.
Posted in Christmas | Permalink
Comments
This was a really interesting blog, thanks for sharing it.
Posted by: Ann | December 3, 2005 11:21 PM
I wish I could send you a hug . . . and I'm not even a touchy-feeling kind of girl, but I think you need a hug.
Posted by: Mel | December 4, 2005 2:27 AM
Isn't it the same with witnessing? I get so frustrated with the hardness of people's hearts, and wish my witness was better. But then I think, even if I gave a perfect testimony, it would not change a heart of stone. People rejected the gospel when Jesus gave it to them Himself. Needless to say He gave it perfectly, too.
Posted by: Monika | December 4, 2005 12:38 PM
Thank you for this post. As a young mother battling perfectionism, I needed to read this. Please be around to remind me of this in 20 years or so.
Posted by: Carrie | December 4, 2005 1:11 PM
This was a wonderful post. As your children grow and become parents themselves, perhaps they will be able to appreciate the difficulty of trying to give those "good and perfect" gifts from the Father through our hopelessy imperfect and often fleshly selves.
I know that as an adult child I've had to let go of the mistakes that my parents made and forgive them. I'm sure that my children will have to do the same.
Why do we seem to beat ourselves up at Christmas? Is it the image of the "perfect family"? Or the memories that the holidays bring up?
Take care of yourself and thanks for the honesty. That's why I love reading your blog.
Posted by: Wendy | December 4, 2005 2:21 PM
I will pray for your family.
Just keep praying. St monica prayed for many many years til her son st augustine finally converted from his very sinful lifestyle. Never give up hope.
This makes me thankful for the youthfullness of my children. They aren't quite old enough to reject me, but I know if that day comes it will be unbearable.
Posted by: paige | December 5, 2005 1:04 AM
I relate to so much here. The sense of awe I feel as one who came to Christ as an adult, the dismay that I couldn't parent my way to perfection, etc...
Thank you for writing.
Posted by: Kathy | December 5, 2005 2:19 PM
