February 16, 2006 10:18 AM
Extreme Mom Makeover
From my Inbox:
Hi Barbara,
I heard you a couple weeks ago on Midday connection on Moody radio. . . .I am writing to you because I am feeling like such a failure as a mom. I have 2 little boys, 5 years and 18 months. My first son is a very difficult child--he is in kindergarten now, and is strong-willed, defiant, rebellious, disobedient, hyperactive and that is on a good day. On the flip side, he is very verbal (talks nonstop..)very smart, and can charm anyone he needs to.
I am not a strong-willed person, so I feel like I have no control over him. He rarely chooses to do as I ask, and I find myself screaming like an idiot most of the time I spend with him. Some days I simply can't find anything about him that I like, or that gives me any hope or reason to go on with the battle.This is the most disappointing to me. I waited a long time for my children. . . I longed for my children, and I hate it in myself that I feel so bad.
I'm not quite sure why I feel the need to communicate with you, but hearing you talk gave me a little hope. I think the fact that you shared that you have a son who has caused you pain, too, has made you even more real to me.
I am getting to know a group if women in my church who seem like super moms, whose children sit quietly beside them in church, and home school, and are just so happy with their lives that I am almost embarrassed by my life and my kids.
My toddler seems to have a lot of the same personality as his big brother, and on hard days I just want to give up. I work part time, and honestly, sometimes I'd rather have a really bad day at work... on top of it all, I feel so guilty about everything I've just told you. I ask God every day to give me wisdom and patience to understand these boys He gave me, but I continue to feel so inadequate and I have no idea what to do. I desperately want to be a good mom, and not have to take antidepressants to feel good about myself.
I don't know how you can help me, but I appreciate you reading my note.
God bless your ministry!!
I appreciate the trust it takes for mothers to be honest about their feelings. I know if you're doing fairly well at this mothering thing that it’s tempting to cover up the downside - and for optimists like me, Ion good days I actually forget about the bad ones :) - but all mothers need to know that we are in this together and that we are all vulnerable to the same feelings of frustration and desperation.
Motherhood isn't something you can just do by the seat of your pants. It does require willingness to grow and change. Plus, if you want to do the best job you can - that is, if you want to reach your own potential while helping your kids reach theirs - you need to educate yourself to some extent. Knowledge is power in every sphere of life - including motherhood. That's the whole purpose of this site - to unburden, enlighten, equip and empower Mommies to find more joy in their motherhood journey. The icing on the cake is that if we find more joy in our daily lives, our kids will find more joy in theirs.
So let me repeat that: Growing and changing is not an option, but a requirement. When something is going wrong with out kids, we have to look at ourselves first to see what we need to learn to do better so that our kids can get out of their ugly behavior. Don't think in terms of "How can I change this kid? but in terms of "What do I need to change to make this a better situation?" Like everything else in life - all kinds of leadership - the responsibility starts at the top. Even if your child has a disability that makes some unpleasant behavior patterns almost inevitable, our responsibility is still how to refocus our child's energy or beat the tantrums off at the pass.
For instance, when my kids lack direction and are not choosing activities, I have to look around at their environment and think: Do I need to organize their stuff and make it more accessible? Can I involve them more in meal prep? Am I spending too much time on the computer and not really presenting their "work" (puzzles, manipulatives, etc) properly to unlock its potential?
I actually wrote a chapter on Desperate Motherhood in the book I just finished. It won't be out until May, but let me just summarize: Sometimes we moms hit bottom. It's horrible. But it's good because once you are at the end of your rope, you become more desperate to change. For anyone at that point, I recommend an Extreme Mom Makeover.
Reaching out is a good sign. It means you believe there is hope. And there is! I decided to post this here because my readers all have wonderful things to add to my own advice - which is necessarily limited. In fact, from these discussions I know that at least a couple one-on-one online mentoring friendships have begun. And btw, it is always great to hear feedback from those who've found help here!
My reply:
[about finding the group of moms at church] This is a step in the right direction, as long as you don't focus on comparing yourself and beating yourself up about how you are not measuring up. If there is one you admire and are drawn to, maybe you could ask her if she has time to talk - that you need some help with this mothering thing.
Be gentle with yourself.
First of all, our culture does not emphasize mothering skills as we are growing up, and because families are smaller and for the past few decades many moms have been ambivalent about their role as moms, many of today's moms are helpless and hopeless (hence the antidepressants) when it comes to mothering their own kids. I applaud your deciding against anti-depressants - and your reaching out to grab another mother's hand.
You mentioned that you are not a strong-willed person, yet you must become one - especially to raise boys :) Your children need to know that you are boss. Please consider some punishments like time-out on a bench for misbehavior so you won't have to yell. Then you can tell him to sit on the bench and if he doesn't comply, take him there. You can also set up consequences - like bad behavior = no TV.
(I know that may seem like more of a punishment to you if you've been using TV to keep your kids occupied, but you have to grin and bear it.)
That is just containing the behavior, however. I think what you want to do is capture your child's heart. If you spend some time reading at my blog - or in my books - you will find that I recommend involving your child as much as possible in the work you do. Have him help you with everything. Making dinner, putting away dishes. Use the google search on the right sidebar to search for "chores" "Montessori" for instance.
I know the feeling of not finding anything to love about your child. Then you have to remember that love is not a feeling, but a decision and a commitment. Make a decision to love him and then back your decision with action. Think of ways to delight him - a rack of dress up clothes, a pet goldfish, teaching him to wash windows (yes, the results won't be perfect, but he will be one happy boy), baking cookies (even if they're just the slice and bake kind), coloring books (? - have you tried them? they seem to bring out the concentration in many kids who have a hard time settling down). I just found out my orneriest little guy ( 9 with Down syndrome) LOVES Lite Brite. When you find something that captures his imagination, give him lots of time with it.
But the first thing you need to do is just make a decision to change, to learn, to grow as a mom. Don't give up!
Also try Choosing Home for more help and support. You can register on their forums and find more advice. I will also post your letter at my site for more support and ideas.
Don't give up. There is joy to be found in this journey. If you are willing to grow and change, you will find it!
Love,
Barbara
Posted in Family, Mothering, Toddlers | Permalink
Comments
Even though this is not a post about discipline, I have to ask, because the silence on this subject seems to beg for it, what about spanking? Does nobody believe in spanking anymore? Time outs, by comparison, seem to be cruel and unusual punishment to me. The active boy has all this time to stew and think hateful thoughts as he sits in time out. Isn't that tempting him to sin? Whereas the boy who is spanked is crying and asking God and parent to forgive him and he is kissed and back out playing in about two minutes. His broken relationship is restored and he's happily playing. He was rightly disciplined, his mommy and his God love and forgive him, and life is good.
Posted by: sally apokedak | February 16, 2006 11:52 AM
Great post--and good reminder to myself to always be sure to examine my routine with/ actions & reactions to my curious, high-energy, almost-five-year-old boy (who is so much different in temperment than my older daughter). Without fail, the "rough" days almost always come back to something that I could have handled better. Not to say that I have to be perfect, but making the connection has reduced alot of stress and "bad mommy" feelings on my part, and allowed me to come up with creative solutions.
Posted by: KatieButler | February 16, 2006 12:08 PM
Sally - I appreciate your comments and, yes, they are very necessary. Right now, because the adoption of one of my children is pending and because of state laws, I cannot really comment on this. And for those of you considering foster care or adoption, please know that when you are asked about spanking, unless your answer is that you do not use it, you will not be approved. But I agree that it is necessary and effective if not done in anger but with love. I can affirm that what Sally says is absolutely true.
Posted by: barbaracurtis | February 16, 2006 12:10 PM
Wow! What this woman wrote is exactly how I have been feeling! It's like she was inside my head writing my thoughts down! I have two boys, 2&3, plus 2 daughters, 4 &6months. My boys are SO difficult sometimes, especially the older one. The youngest repeats everything his big brother does. I can't count how many times I have called my husband up at work crying because I was just so frustrated.Spanking didn't seem to work unless it was from daddy, who is working so cannot be there to spank him. Time out worked for a little while, but then after the first few times he would go right back to doing whatever is was he got in trouble for.I started noticing though that whenever he got in trouble, he was truely repentant and would often cry for time with daddy, or sometimes that he just wanted to help mommy. Also that he liked the house being a mess because mommy played with him when the house was a mess. So, hubby and I talked, and implemented a system of sorts. Every time he got in trouble, not only did he get disciplined from me, but he has to put a sad face on a chart, and for every sad face, that is how many swats he gets from dad when he gets home. If he goes 3 days out of the week without any sad faces, Friday night he goes to stop n play with dad alone(it's a mini chuck e cheese). Not that dad doesn't spend time with him already, but this is extra time with just the two of them. Also, I remembered what Barbara said about them needing to help out, so I bought a step stool and empty spray bottle that I filled with water and gave some rags and now he helps me clean the bathroom, the windows, cupboards, etc. And he loves to serve everyone their dinner. The days he helps most are the days he gets no sad faces. He is still strong willed, but I am learning to be even stronger willed, and that I am not failing as a mom because I may lose temper on occasion, or because my child acted like a child.
Posted by: melanie | February 16, 2006 12:40 PM
Hmm, I am not sure I do agree with the spanking comments. I found when we did spank the boys (I have three boys no girls) started hitting each other and me. We totally think time out is the right way to go with our family. When they are in it a SHORT time we go over and talk about why they are there and they say they are sorry for---.
One thing I want to be sure to mention is that children know if you like them or not. they also listen to what the adult says even if they do not follow directions. If they hear mom or dad say they are a bully (I am not saying that is what is happening but there is a family at church who says things like that in front of her son) they feel it is okay to be a bully because that is what is expected.
Personally, I find if I let the boys know what is expected of them in certain situations ("we are going to run into food lion to get bananas, ice cream and milk. We will not be getting anything that is not on the list. I need you all to stay with me so we can get in and out. that way we can have more time playing trains when we are done") seems to make them interested in seeeing if they can follow the expectations. I think it helps that we shop the refrigerated section last and do not open anything till we pay for it. We have had to leave stores a few times in the past 7 years because of tantrums or them running away from me. Now, though I prefer to go alone at night if I have to take them on errands, I do not dread it.
Hmmm, that ended up to be nothing on the subject. I'll have to thing some more and add later.
Janet
Posted by: janet | February 16, 2006 2:13 PM
I think this letter is just how many moms feel like; I am blessed to have two boys too, but their behavior is more mellow than your kids. However, there is a book that opened my eyes to a lot of information about parenting and our roll as parents, not just to feed and cloth, but to form. The book is called "Shepherding a child's heart" by Tedd Tipp. I remember having a lot of questions about spanking (coming from a home where we were spanked everyday for every reason imaginable) and this book helped me learn the why, when and how of spanking along with many other tools so I would not have to spank unless absolutely necessary; the first chapter of the book talks about "getting to the heart of behavior" and it really help me understand that is not only about changing the behavior, but addressing the rooth of it: where does it come from and why and how to change it; let's face it, it all comes from the heart, and if we learn how to go to the heart and direct them to God and Jesus the rest will be a chain reaction to it. But I agree 100% with Barbara, we need to learn and change, there is no question about that. We are all called to obedience and we as parents are called to be in charge; to let our children run our life is letting them dishonor us and God commands to "Honor your father and mother" and that is the one commandment that promises "that your days will be prolongued and that it may go well with you on the land which the Lord your God gives you" (Deuteronomy 5:16) I hope you have the support of a loving and commited husband and the support of a loving Church, perhaps your pastor and his wife could help you by providing discipleship in this area.
Posted by: LadyLovas | February 16, 2006 3:54 PM
Wow, I could have written that letter except that I was 25 when I had my first son. And "high-needs child" only begins to describe him. It wasn't until I read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene that I finally realized it wasn't my fault that this child had no tolerance for frustration.
It sounds from the letter like everyone is at their wits end, and I've been there too. It did get better once my son began to feel competent and was able to do the things he thought he should be able to do (things like not spilling his milk, which he assumed from the time he was three years old would never happen) when his body caught up to his expectations a bit.
We had to really make our expectations clear and remove frustration triggers proactively. He couldn't tie his shoes at age three, but rather than admit defeat, he'd have screaming meltdown tantrums for an hour at a time. Hello, velcro! And so on, in every area of our lives. If things were going to be difficult, we had to prepare him or ourselves for them in order to make it less prone to inducing a meltdown, and in order to make sure we wouldn't end up screaming back at him.
I also felt like giving up. I'd see these moms with their kids quietly beside them, hands folded, and wonder why on earth my kid wasn't like that. I would end up in tears at night thinking my son would be better off with no mother than with me.
What it took, ultimately, was time, and in our case the Greene book (giving him the ability to make appropriate choices; not forcing issues that didn't need to be forced). And just to give a little hope to the letter-writer...my tantrum-prone son was a little angel in church. Would sit with his hands folded. Always polite to strangers. It was only in private and to me that he would flip out and throw things and scream for over an hour at a time. So maybe some of those perfect moms don't have it all that perfect themselves...
Posted by: Jane Lebak | February 16, 2006 6:52 PM
I should clarify that I'm not completely against time outs. I just have been bumping up against an anti-spanking sentiment this last couple of weeks and I wondered how wide-spread it was.
I moved down to Georgia from Alaska last year. Alaska is a fairly easy state to get along in. In Georgia the government is more intrusive.
I did some foster care in Alaska, though, back when the rule was that you could spank your own children but not the foster children. I only had one foster child and she was profoundly disabled so I wasn't spanking her, anyway. But when they changed the law to say that you couldn't spank your own child if you had a foster child in the home--as that would be too traumatic for the foster child--I had to give up the foster child.
When I adopted my two children no one asked me if I believed spanking was a good way to discipline or not.
Anyway, I didn't mean to say that other modes of discipline won't work. In fact, I think we parents know our own children best and have to tailor our parenting to their different personalities.
And lastly, to the mothers who have the terrors disguised as boys, I can sympathize. I had one of those myself. When he was little my husband and I really wondered at times if he was demon possessed. Seriously.
And it is so hard to have those children because you want so much to enjoy them while they are young and not be always disciplining.
I completely agree with Barbara on the point of reaching the child's heart. I also believe, though, that bad behavior can really steal the peace from the home and make it difficult to even begin to work on the heart stuff. So my tip for behavior modification is that you should be consistent. Pick one behavior and consistently punish that behavior. Let all the other behaviors go if you don't have the emotional wherewithal to deal with them. Work consistently on one behavior. Never let it slip. After a couple of weeks that behavior should be gone and you can pick another behavior.
This takes the pressure off of you and the kid, I think. He doesn't have to be perfect and you don't have to be overwhelmed.
The consistency really works. The kid learns that you mean business and he gives up on that one bad behavior.
And know that you probably will survive. For about three years I went to bed crying every night because I was so exhausted from fighting with my son every day. I used to wonder if we'd both live through it.
Now he is thirteen, five inches taller than me, solid muscle, and I really like him. It gets easier every year. He is finally exhibiting some self-control. And oh how freeing it is for me to not have to hold him on such a tight rein.
Posted by: sally apokedak | February 16, 2006 7:21 PM
I have a really really really hard 4 year old boy. He is twice as hard to parent as my 2 yr old and 8month old combined!
What I have to do is get behind his eyes and try to see things the way he does. I have to try to understand why he thinks certain behaviors are worthwhile.
I also have to change my own personality some to appreciate him and have a relationship with him. He is very different from me, but he is still my child and we can have a good relationship if I try hard enough.
Some days though I really echo your sentiments and wonder how I am ever going to survive another 14 years.
Posted by: paige | February 16, 2006 9:43 PM
I don't have much advice, but I can sympathize. My three-year-old daughter and I have very different personalities. (Girls can be strong-willed, too!) She is high-energy; I've always been lower energy. She is an extrovert, a people-person, and loves constant interaction. I am an introvert and have always been somewhat of a loner. She's strong-willed, and loud about it. I was a compliant child, and according to my mom never had a temper tantrum.
Funny thing is, when I was pregnant, I hoped that my child would be nothing like me. I didn't want her to go through the fears and anxieties of a shy person. My prayers were answered in that regard...but now I sometimes have no idea how to parent/discipline her! I was so compliant and eager to please that my parents barely had to raise their voices for me to fall into line. Not so with my little firecracker. And as a people-pleaser, it is very difficult for me to hold the line with her. I can do it, but it comes with much self-doubt. I can go from "maybe I'm being too hard on her" to "I'm not expecting enough from her" in the course of about 10 minutes.
Again, not much advice, but I do find that keeping her engaged and active helps. Both of our tempers get short if we're in the house too long. Boredom is the kiss of death when it comes to misbehavior. I think that sometimes she misbehaves just because it is more interesting than anything else she can think of...and it does get my attention, which is gold to any child, but especially an extrovert.
Posted by: Jennifer | February 17, 2006 5:12 AM
Sometimes little adjustments make big changes... I found myself falling into the yelling routine with my almost 3yr old. I was getting to that yelling point after telling him several times to stop doing "whatever". I have been making an effort to stop, touch him on the shoulder, hold his hand or half hug him while I look into his eyes and say "If you choose to do whatever again, you’re going to go to time out". This point of connection & teaching him to look into my eyes has really helped fill a need in him for attention and physical contact that intern has slowed down our uproars! Be encouraged God loves us even when we are unlovable, we can do the same for our kids.
Posted by: Angie H | February 17, 2006 11:03 AM
I am actually relieved to read letters like this from other moms. I am going through simuliar situation with my son, in fact I just blogged about an incident we had last night! Sometimes I feel like I am the worst mom on the planet and sometimes I feel like I am getting my just dues. (I too was a strong willed child) and now I get a taste of what my mother felt about me. I know I need to use different parenting strategies with this guy. I am going to read the books recommended by a couple of the other commenters. I just know from being strong willed myself, that there is an underlying fear that you will finally push the people you love too far and lose their love. I don't want my son to feel that and I want to draw out all of the good that is in him because there is so much of that too.
Posted by: Wendy | February 17, 2006 11:26 AM
I hope it's okay to plug a site here. Remove this if it isn't. But I'm compelled to recommend gentlechristianmothers.com to this mom!!! This is a large community of women who are in the trenches with their children, and there's a lot of support for the struggling mother, and lots of alternative infomation - Biblical, sound, firm information - on alternatives to spanking and the us v. them attitude we see so much of with children in our society. When I got out of the adversarial rut I was getting into with my young children, they responded so immediately and well I was shocked. Kids this age are developmentally designed by God to test us. As in, they test EVERYTHING, and you happen to be there. :) If you can harness that for good instead of squashing it, you're half-way there. Don't misunderstand me - I'm not permissive by any stretch, in fact, just by personality I'm one of the most stern mothers I know, but the difference it makes to shift your attitude from "I must MAKE them obey" to "How can I teach them to obey..." well, it's nothing short of miraculous.
Posted by: Bonnie | February 18, 2006 10:40 AM
wow, that was a really powerful post...
Posted by: cmhl | February 19, 2006 8:06 PM
Dear Barbara,
Am so thrilled to find your blog. I would like to link you to my family blog as we are also into "journeying" as parents in Jesus.
God Bless your ministry.
Sarah
Posted by: Sarah Chan | February 19, 2006 9:49 PM
Loved Bonnie's post! Very reassuring and inspiring.
Posted by: Alison | February 24, 2006 1:56 AM
Hang in there, my five year old went throught the same stage. I had the same fellings you had. I finally found a consequence that works. The last time she directly disobeyed me I gave her a spanking. We had a mommy daughter talk, I made her bend across my lap, and gave her 5 swats on the underwear bottom. If you try this only use your open hand.
Posted by: Mary | April 2, 2006 12:41 AM
