February 8, 2006 9:18 AM
More reader advice please!
A Midday Connection listener wrote:
I have a question about my 16 year old daughter. She tends to feel responsible for and about everything. She's always concerned about not being a good person. She is a Christian and we support her in everyway we can. She is just so sensitive. Any suggestions? I know this age is a very insecure age, but she really has so much going for her. It is like she needs constant acknowledgement. I think I'm on top of it but still sometimes it isn't enough. I'd appreciate any ideas.
Since I don't have any experience with this, I suggested posting it here. She's anxious to hear your suggestions!
Posted in Mothering, Teens and Tweens | Permalink
Comments
Your daughter sounds like a lovely,caring girl.
It seems to me though that there are a couple of things she needs to understand better.
The first being that none of us can handle this world on our own. Our loving Father is the one in control and each day our responsibility is to put our well being and the well being of others in His hands.Not Ours!
Asking Him to let us be an instrument of His Peace and asking Him to help us live out the purpose He dsigned us for.Then turning that over to Him.
The second being that none of us will ever be "good enough".
We are flesh and are imperfect, made perfect only through the sacrifice of Christ on the cross.
His blood cleanses us and purifies us and we have to know that our actions and choices (while reflective of our desire to live lives worthy of that sacrifice) will always fall short on their own. ALWAYS.
Accepting the fact that we will always fail but that our best will be good enough for Him because He loves us enough to accept our best.
And He loves us enough to accept when we fall short of doing our best too.Because there are going to be those days too.
Help her to know that we always fail.
Always.
Because we are flesh.
It is that by accepting His grace and His gift of unconditional love that we can have peace and assurance of a perfect life with Him someday.
Are you modeling that unconditonal love for her? It sounds as if you are.
That will help too.
She must accept her human condition and then also accept that God can make her perfect through His love.
Help her to know that It is not the approval of Man she needs. 'Good enough" is a man made conditional sort of state.
Hope that helps, and does not confuse.
Blessings.
Mary
Posted by: Mary | February 8, 2006 9:42 AM
My first thoughts are when I was about that age and I turned to my mom to share how I felt. I don't remember what she said, but somehow, it wasn't enough. I don't know if it was because she just didn't know what to say or do (entirely possible given our history) or if I just needed to get through that stage of my life and continue to be directed to find my strength and confidence in God, not solely in validation from others. My heart goes out to your daughter because I was (ok, can still be) sensitive and that can be hard on such an insecure phase of life.
My second thought was to see if there was a female youth group leader or college aged girl in your church that might come along side her and encourage her as well. Sometimes we think the things our parents tells us are because they have to say those things, not because they actually think them. I loved working as a youthgroup leader and developing deep friendships with jr and sr high girls and I know that I wasn't alone in that - there are many young women out there that are called to this very ministry of encouraging, teaching and loving "little sisters."
Don't give up in encouraging her with words and your love. Reassuring smiles and hugs seem simple but do speak loudly.
Oh - one last thing - Bethany Dillon is a young 17ish Christian artist that has two beautiful cd's out and both contain some beautiful songs about how God sees us as beautiful and loved unconditionally.
Posted by: Laura | February 8, 2006 9:55 AM
I vaguely remember when I was that age and had similar thoughts.
One piece of advice that I had heard for young men or women that might help was to have them consider that the Lord may want them to share the gospel more and become missionaries of sorts. This gives them direction and purpose that allows them to focus their emotions and energy. This certainly helps them feel more positive about sharing God's love and sacrifice for all of us.
Posted by: w00t | February 8, 2006 12:52 PM
wow this resounded with me b/c i was the exact same way...still am almost 10 years later. It hasnt been this year until I have *started* to really realize how large God's grace covers,a nd i am STILL learning! LOL! i feel i have so far to go, but in my quest to learn more of His grace I have also felt His patience and understanding in ways I hadn't before. Maybe you could check out a few books on the subject of Grace? Brennan Manning has a few out. Hmmm, One i have been looking at getting for myself that has been highly recommended to me is "What is so amazing about Grace" by Philip Yancey. I haven't read this yet, but I have heard it is good. pray and God will direct you to the right books for where she is at for the moment.
and to echo another poster, give lots and lots of hugs. part of my own personality is that my parents dissapointment in me would hurt me far more than any spanking lol. i used to almost be frozen in fear with projects or overcoming tasks not because i didn't think i could do them, but because i was afraid of doing it wrong lol! my parents praise and good eye contact and constant reassurance did so much for me, and still does even as an adult! stick behind her, pray about a book or other sources to help encourage her too. ;)
~Kristy
Posted by: Kristy | February 8, 2006 2:16 PM
Just thinking of the kind of advice Barbara might give to a mom of younger children..."help them be involved, useful in the family. It creates confidence." Maybe this is why Barbara hasn't had these kinds of issues to deal with as children have grown up.
I have been working on this with my pre-teens and find it to be true. Having meaningful work DOES create confidence, and a moving out of self-absorption. It is difficult to build it in when you've been ignoring it, but not impossible. So don't let the difficulty cause you to give up.
I was a lot like your daughter when I was 16. All the hugs and positive talk in the world never lasted long enough, I was always fishing for more. Incidentally, i was pretty pampered, too. NO CHORES, etc.
As a young adult I wasted too much time in "counseling" ... I definitely knew how God accepts me in Christ, and that is critical--maybe your daughter does not have that info!-- but I kept going back to the comfort of whining. Once I began to develop the discipline to do the right things, (for me practical items like housework, showing up on time, etc.), a more confident and positive outlook has begun to characterize me.
Hope this helps. I can so relate to your daughter.
Posted by: floorplan | February 8, 2006 3:36 PM
I don't know what role her Daddy plays in her life. But I know how important a fathers love and acceptance is to a young girl. And they are often the best ones to show a picture of a loving, accepting heavenly Father.
Posted by: Wendy | February 9, 2006 11:39 AM
Usually sensitivity about what people think about you is a symptom of self-absorption. I don't want to come down on your daughter because I am sure she is a good person she is just succumbed by the self-doubt a lot of us get at that age. And I really feel like the best way a teenager or anyone can feel good about themself is to do good.
I agree with the above posters suggestion to give her more responsibility.
When you say "you are on top of it" I wonder if that means you tell her what she wants to hear all the time. I think a better tactic would be to turn it around on her and ask her if she SHOULD feel good about herself? Has she done good? Is she doing her best in her school work, has she been a good friend? If the answer is yes then her feelings are lying to her and she should ignore them. If the answer is no then she should turn it around and she will probably feel a lot better.
Also, does she have a job or many extra-curriculers?
Posted by: paigeu | February 9, 2006 2:29 PM
