February 8, 2006 7:34 AM
Q& A on premarital sex
This was included in the comments yesterday and I thought it better to move it up here where it can get some more input from my readers. Hopefully someone has been in or seen a similar situation:
My name is Beth. I heard Barbara on the radio talk about this site and decided to check it out this afternoon.I have a comment, or question actually. I am 20 years old and my fiancé and I have a 14 month old son. Since my son has been born, I have really felt God's presence more than ever in my life. HE has delivered me through so much, healed broken relationships with family and other struggles I have had over the past few years. Yet I still feel so distant from Him.
I really feel it's because my sin that I feel so distant from Him. I long for God's blessings on my life and I pray that I will glorify God in all I do. I feel so torn because I have all these feelings for my fiancé and I would like to tell him I would like to stop having premarital sex. I know that for a man especially this is difficult to cope with and I guess my question is, ...how can I go about doing what God wants without sabotaging my relationship with my future husband? What's a girl to do?
I know this is just for comments but if anyone reads this and feels they have something to say that would bless my life I would appreciate it so much. I really don't have any spiritually mature women in my life to talk to who can give me Godly wisdom and advice as well as understanding.
The closest experience I have with this is that when I became a Christian, we found out that our oldest daughter Samantha and her boyfriend Kip (both 17) were having sex (I was so immoral myself before I became a Christian that I'd never taught her not to really, and hadn't modeled correct behavior myself). I tell the story about this in my book Lord, Please Meet Me in the Laundry Room and it is amazing. But short story is that they both became Christians, got counseling and for two years continued their relationship on a different footing - no physical intimacy and accountability to us. Samantha said it was the best time of their relationship because the sex had really interfered with them getting to know each other fully. They married at 19 and now, 17 years later have a wonderful marriage with five children.
I have known of other people in your situation and what they did was put themselves in the care of a pastor who could counsel them through what they needed to go through. I know it is scary for a woman to think of losing the man in her life - especially the father of her first baby - but I will say that you are right about your relationship with God. Sex outside marriage is a sin, and sin stands in the way of our relationship with him, no matter what kind of sin it is.
It will require a lot of faith for you to get through what you need to go through, but God loves you and is waiting with open arms to hold you close as you go through the process. He loves you - he truly does! And it is inspiring to hear how he has already begun working in your life!
Readers?
Posted in Marriage | Permalink
Comments
I went through a similar situation with my now-husband, though we didn't have any children before we were married. I began to feel as if God wanted more for me and from me in the way I was making choices in my relationship with my boyfriend. I read through a book called Gift Wrapped by God (Dillow/Pintus). (They have a page on a website at www.intimateissues.com and you can buy their book at amazon.com or I'm sure you might find a copy at the library) It changed my entire view of sex, my past experiences and the future God wanted for me and my future husband.
After a lot of praying, I broke up with my boyfriend and spent a lot of time alone, in prayer, study, with Godly friends, etc.
Fast forward six months, my boyfriend (who took none of the breakup and time apart very well at all) began counseling with and studying with some married Christian friends of ours, became a Christian and after much prayer and some time together again, proposed. Our wedding and the last two years of our marriage was/has been so blessed. God has been so good and faithful to our obedience and desire to make choices that reflect His heart.
I encourage you to spend time in prayer and listen to what you hear God saying to your heart. If you ever want to talk more, you can find me through my blog (or maybe Barbara can pass you my email address) and I'd love to share more, encourage you, etc. I don't have any spiritually mature women in my life either, but from experience, Godly friends go a long way in helping support you making choices that can be really difficult.
You, your baby and your fiance will be in my thoughts and prayers as you seek God's face and heart in all this.
Posted by: Laura | February 8, 2006 9:47 AM
Would it be possilbe to go ahead and get married?
While I hesitate to urge you into marriage with a non believer who might never become a believer, it is better than to continue in the current relationship.
I think it is that or you have to move out or have him move out.
He is not likely to understand your stance, but as Barbara says , your relationship with God needs to override all other relationships.
I will tell you that I married a non believer and seven long years later He became a Christian. He is now a strong man of God.
It took the support and counsel of other Christians to make it through that time.They helped gently guide and teach my husband. I married him because I chose him over God at the time. But God is gracious and good and kept working on both of us. I will be praying for you and your husband and his daddy.
Blessings.
Mary
Posted by: Mary | February 8, 2006 10:05 AM
You mentioned that you would like to tell him that you want to stop having pre-marital sex. Why don't you at least bring it up? If this man is truely committed to you, perhaps he will respect your conviction and submit to your request. In the mean time, pray that God will speak to his heart about this as well; that God will give him a heart that is willing to please Him. Before I was a christian, my now husband and myself were having pre-marital sex. But, we both were drawn to the Lord during our dating. Soon, I too felt convicted about the sex. So, I brought it up to him and he went along with it. It wasn't easy for me to do. But, my heart for God was firm enough to take the risk. Sometimes following God calls for making difficult choices. Stand firm in Him and you can't go wrong.
Posted by: Tylah Johnson | February 8, 2006 2:04 PM
I just want to add to everyone else's good advice that if you don't bring up the topic with your boyfriend, he's going to begin sensing that you don't enjoy sex with him any longer, and without an explanation, he will assume either that he is inadequate or that you are not in love with him any longer.
It's better to be honest with him now. If he gets angry with you or leaves, at least it's over who you truly are and what you truly believe rather than a phantom.
Posted by: Jane Lebak | February 8, 2006 3:28 PM
Dear Beth,
First I want to Praise the Lord with you that He is working in your life. I also want to encourage you...He can redeem ANY situation. (Remember the story of Joseph?)
That being said, you don't mention in your post whether your fiance is a Christian or not. If He is a Christian, I would suggest that you begin to pray that the Holy Spirit would convict his heart the same way He has convicted yours. Books are a great way to open doors for conversation. Find one that perhaps the two of you can read and discuss. Then the two of you need to talk together about the way you are feeling and agree upon a solution (no more sex till we are married). To make this a reality, you will probably need to agree to a code of conduct (this sounds terribly formal, but it really works!) like agreeing to not be together in any situation where you are tempted and/or it would be easy to compromise your convictions. Additionally, I would strongly suggest premarital counseling (perhaps from your Pastor) as these kinds of issues can wreak havoc in your later years as a married couple.
I pray that this will be helpful to you and that you are encouraged today as you seek God's will for your life.
God Bless you,
Phyllis
Posted by: Phyllis Wilbanks | February 8, 2006 4:17 PM
When you love someone you do what is best for their soul, not for their feelings.
That is a very important concept to remember, in regards to your boyfriend as well as your child.
You have to be able to not depend on how other people feel about you as a source for validation. You have to establish your own morals and measure yourself by how well you live in accordance with them. It is imperitive in order to break a cycle of bad choices.
Of course it will feel crappy if your boyfriend gets mad at you. It will feel crappy in a few years when your child thinks you are the meanest mom in the world when your caring about her means imposing limits she doesn't like.
Being a grown up and standing up for your own convictions will test your relationship and bring your boyfriends true character into light. He can be a non-christian and still be respectful of your position. If he takes it well and doesen't skip out on you then I would strongly recommend making a date for marriage and starting counseling right away.
If anyone tries to convince you that men need sex to surivive, then don't believe them. That is a stereotype. It often goes along with the stereotype that women need a man to approve of them in order to be happy.
I am not denying that men have a strong physical drive to sex, and women have a strong emotional drive for male approval, but we do not need to be ruled by our instincts. We can use our mind and prayer to overcome and the more you do it the easier it gets.
I am sending up a prayer for the best possible outcome.
God Bless.
Posted by: paige | February 8, 2006 4:38 PM
Get married now. You have a child together.
Posted by: Monika | February 8, 2006 5:41 PM
Beth, you say he is your fiance, not just boyfriend. I am curious about what is holding you two back from marriage. Do you have reservations about him as a husband and father?
Posted by: Amy K | February 9, 2006 12:26 AM
I would have to respectfuly disagree with anyone that is encouraging you to get married to someone just because you have a child with them or because you are married to them.
If this man is an unbeliever, no marriage, no child, no anything is going to make him the husband that you, as a Christian, deserve. Two wrongs don't make a right, you made a mistake by having premartal sex, don't make another by marrying an unbeliever. I know this, personally. I felt so bad, so guilty, like I was obligated to marry a man that was all wrong for me because I had sex with him. Like it was my punishment. While I realize the seriousness of this sin and the ramifications of it, (and I am still 5 years later, experiencing the consequences of it) God doesn't work like that.
With that said, if this man is a Christian, or is open to hearing the gospel, OF COURSE, share your heart with him. LEt him know how much you love him and want him to share your convictions and love of Christ. I don't think this is really about having sex or not, it is about what is going to be the priority in your life and whether he is willing to share that priority. If he is than, he will be willing to stop having sex until you to are married, and in this situation, I would say, why wait?
I hope that helps, I will pray for this reader because I have been there and know how hard of a decsion this is! Look to God for your answers.
Posted by: Amie | February 9, 2006 7:23 AM
Dear Beth,
This can be a tricky place to be, but you have the Holy Spirit leading you, the Word to illumine your path, the Father to treasure you as a daughter. I don't have all the answers, but I do have some suggestions. I hope they help.
There is a lot to be said for the daddy who has hung around after the birth of his baby. I hope he was there to support you throughout your pregnancy, too. The fact that he is still around says a lot since most guys run. But now you're between a rock and a hard place. Praise God that Rock is God Himself.
You've got a guy who stuck around but you're still in sin with him. You know that the right thing to do is end that part of your relationship for now, but it seems like you're confused about how to do it. Bringing the subject up with your fiance isn't going to be easy - especially with Valentine's Day right around the corner.
I don't really know how to do it, either. Here are some of my thoughts - First, I'd pray that you will find someone close to you to tell how you feel. One who you think can be there for you in the future when temptation arises. Let her know that you're going to need her to support you before, during, and after. That might mean that you plan to tell your fiance with this person present, or with this person in the building so that if he responds negatively and wants to have time alone to think you will have someone there to help you get through that pain and even practically to give you a ride home or a place to stay or whatever.
Second, when you do get the chance to bring this up, be honest with your man. Tell him more about your love for God and His work in your life. Maybe he already knows this, but hearing it again won't hurt. Let him know how much that all means to you and how it can change your life. I'd let him know that one of the changes you see that you need to make is to live a pure life which means to stop having sex. Your fiance might think you're crazy and pressure you to continue. You do have a son together, sex is nothing new, etc. However, let him know what your secondary virginity (your second change at being a virgin) is very important to you. His reaction is key. Does he love you enough to practice delayed gratification? If not, will you be able to respect him all the days of your life within the context of a marriage relationship? Maybe get some stats - ask him if staying married is important to him. Show him from the stats that premarital sex is a major indicator of a marriage that is more likely to end in divorce. Watch and listen. I pray his reaction will be one that will glorify God!
The other commenters had some great suggestions on how to maintain your commitment to saving sex til marriage- codes of conduct, accountability to those codes, counseling. I'd say accountability is truly the key. My now husband and I had codes of conduct but they were broken. Without accountability stuff like that isn't worth a whole lot. Especially for a sinner like me!
Because your son and your fiance are in your life and are so entwined it probably makes you feel pretty vulnerable. You've got your son, you probably hope his daddy will be around for his whole life there to take care of both of you. You've got your man who seems like he wants to be with you and your son. If you step out in faith and act on God's Word that could leave you without your man, without your father's son, and maybe even with nothing. Nothing but God to see you through your act of faith.
And, if it doesn't turn out like you thought and you do have nothing but God, be ready. Continue to trust and obey His Word, His leading, and rest in His everlasting arms that will uphold you through the best and worst of times. I said be ready, because in His time He will bless your obedience.
One challenge I would give you to do maybe even before you bring this up with your fiance is to sit down and dream. Dream up the perfect man in your mind. If you had a perfect world, what would your man look like? Act like? Sound like? How would he treat you? Your child(ren)? Write it out, look it over, and determine whether or not the man in your life now fits the measure of this. If he doesn't, does he meet enough of the criteria for you to continue towards marriage with him or might there be a better option out there if you wait for God's timing?
My prayers are with you, dear Beth, that you will do the right thing, that you will know Him deeper because of this, and that you will grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Here is your second chance - make your plan and take it!
Posted by: mrs.s. | February 9, 2006 10:17 AM
Beth-
Based on other comments I think it might be a good idea to go over why some of us think you should marry.
If you do not marry this man this is what will most likely happen.
-he will retain visitation rights
-he will eventually get another girlfriend and/or wife
-your son will be forced to split his life between you and whoever his father marrys
-your son will be influenced in ways you cannot see by his step-mom and his step-moms family.
Here is what often happens as a result of the split/remarry scenerio. YES there are some exceptions, but this is the risks you take:
-your boys step-mom views your son as a threat and competition to her families financial and time resources.
-she treats him like a burden.
-this new family allows your son to do things you dont like. (i.e. hang out with certain people, watch inappropriate movies, etc)
-your son could get very jealous over any future children his father has with another woman, and may feel that he loves the new kids more than him because he is with their mother and spends more time with them.
or
-one of you could move away which would mean your son will rarely if ever see his father. The statistics for what happens to boys that grow up fatherless are NOT good.
-for the period you are a single parent you will be forced to wage-slave at a job and will not be available during those fragile first few years. Your choices will be limited and based on what you can afford instead of what is best for your child. Private or homeschooling may not be options.
Now the CONS of getting married:
-He may end up being a crappy husband.
-You might have regrets
-Your situation could end in divorce and then all the above situations could happen plus more emotional turmoil.
This is why if you do choose marriage then it is imperitive that you get a lot of counseling and each of you know exactly what it is you are getting into. It is also important that you stop having sex for a period befor you marry because the sex makes it harder for you to be objective about his character. If this guy is really a crappy person and crappy marriage material then you are likely not going to notice until you have stopped being sexually active and have seen how he acts when he isn't getting any free milk (so to speak).
But if this man is what I call "Decent enough" despite not being a christian then I believe if you work hard you can have a long and relatively happy marriage together and provide a good family for your child. But a happy marriage cannot exist unless you gave up all "what if" fantasies.
I married a decent enough type, and I had a rough time of it for awhile. I kept having "what-if" fantasies. When I finally came to the realization that I had a responsibility to give my children a happy life and not necessarily myself, then I was able to be happier because I finally realized I had a lot to be thankful for.
I can't say that my husband is the "spiritual leader" and he doesn't always go to church with me, but we have a relationship of mutual respect. Sure if I had it to do over again I probably would have been more selective, but what I could have done and what I did do are totally different and now that children are involved , their father deserves the best I have to give.
Posted by: paigeu | February 9, 2006 2:13 PM
