March 14, 2006 3:04 PM
Parenting Q&A Unreasonable feelings
A reader wrote:
My 4 year old daughter gets very upset over small things and won't let it go. For example, today at lunch, my 2 year old opened the straw for my 4 yr old. My 4 yr old cried and carried on for at least 30 minutes about it. Then this evening, we had a sitter here who was fixing a cheeseburger while we were getting ready to go out. I forgot to tell the sitter that my 4 yr old normally puts the cheese on herself, so instead the sitter did it. This terribly upset my 4 yr old and when I got home, the sitter said she cried and complained about it until she fell asleep.
I understand her need for independence and that this stems from that, but
is there a point at which discipline is called for? How can I teach her to
be sad about something, but then let it go? Should I even try that? What
should I do?
Wondering if any of you have experience with this - I don't - and hoping you can offer some words of wisdom :)
Posted in Mothering, Toddlers | Permalink
Comments
My 3 1/2 year old daughter is somewhat like this. We will try reasonable methods to make her happy (usually something like, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you wanted to do it yourself; remind me next time, and I'll let you do it."). If that doesn't help, we give her a hug and tell her to calm down. A calm, quiet voice, gently repeating the instruction to calm down, often helps. If she is refusing to calm down, we will sometimes put her in the corner for fussing; if she's being very loud or irritating, we give her the natural consequence of not wanting to be near her -- she gets to cry in a different room from everyone else until she's done.
Sometimes, I can tell that the real problem is that she's tired, or hungry, or too hot, etc. In those cases, I try to address those issues. We recently had an episode that I think was the result of missing Daddy, who was on a week-long business trip; we've made sure since then that she gets to talk to Daddy on the cell phone every day when he's out of town, and that seems to be making a difference.
Experimentation is key; I've discovered by trial and error which phrases and actions help my daughter calm down, and how to tell when nothing I do will help.
Newt
Posted by: Newt Sherwin | March 14, 2006 4:17 PM
Hi,
I have been through this with my son(now 6). He has it in his mind how things are going to be (i.e. that he opens the door), and something happens to change his perception (i.e. I open the door), he freaks out. For about a year I walked around on egg shells never knowing what little thing might set him off. I felt like the worst parent in the world. So, the first thing I want to say to this Mom is not to take it personally!
Reading the book THE EXPLOSIVE CHILD by Ross Greene really helped. I also read a book about Temperaments. THE TEMPERAMENT GOD GAVE YOU by Art and Laraine Bennett.
These two books helped me understand my son and myself better.
Ross Greene calls my sons behavior as "inflexible thinking". It is difficult for them to transition their thinking.
There are some good strategies in the book which are too long to go into here.
One thing he says to do is to put your child's behavior into one of three "baskets"
Basket A is for for unsafe behavior- where you must say no and insist on it. You can tolerate a temper tantrum here because it is for your child's safety. For example, Ryan thought he would get to cross the street himself and was upset when I asked him to hold my hand.
Basket B: is for behaviors that you decided are important but which you are not willing to induce a meltdown. You try to use these moments as "teachable moments" to help them learn the skills to be more flexible in their thinking (book goes into this).
Basket C: are for behaviors that are just not worth the hassle.
So, in this Mom's situation the cheese situation could be a Basket B or C.
I don't know if I'm making any sense. The main thing I want to say is this Mom is not alone!
Oh, and another great resource is:RAISING A THINKING CHILD. It has some great activities to do with your child to help teach them to be more flexible.
Posted by: Melissa G. | March 14, 2006 4:20 PM
i find in situations like these it is very important to reflect the childs feelings. "you are very angry that ___ put the cheese on your burger!" often, i find my oldest (my explosive one) responds very well to this, and often we discuss what would be better ways to solve this problem. also, that i tell my kids that it is fine to be angry. we all get angry sometimes, but yelling is not acceptable in the family area (not even for mommy). thus, like the above reader, the natural consequence is that we do not want to be around the screaming. depending on the level of anger, so they need a place to get their anger out? can you offer them an alternative activity (put on the ketchup?) the important thing, in our family, is to not be scared by your childrens big feelings. we all get them sometimes, some more than others. they want you to be safe and consistant. if you are obviously flustered by the behavior, they will not feel safe, and react even more. they want to know that their feelings are important, and acknowledged, then move on.
Posted by: meggan | March 14, 2006 4:49 PM
My 4 year old is the exact same way. She will go on and on about something, even weeks later she will bring it up. We finally got so tired of it that we explain to her we understand she is upset about it, and it is ok to be upset, but it is over now and we can't do anything about it, so stop whining or next she gets a swat on the behind or what we call 'pepper tongue'. Pepper tongue is very effective for whining or talking back or teasing. It is a dab of really hot sauce, or wasabi sauce, on the tip of their tongue. It usually only takes just a warning to cure the problem. But in the rare event it doesn't a reminder dose is given. It will not harm them if you use just a tiny dab, but it will certainly get their attention.
Posted by: melanie | March 14, 2006 5:07 PM
We have a very strong-willed child who can throw really gorgeous temper tantrums. I have learned that it doesn't do any good to play into by trying to reason, console, placate etc. Not that we don't do any of that. Of course we will say 'I'm sorry, I didn't realize you wanted to do that. Next time I'll wait for you' or something to that effect. If she continues the very loud and obnoxious crying and screaming she is removed to her room. She's free to cry in there but no one else wants to hear it. When she finally realized that we meant what we said and she was sent to her room every time, the tantrums became slightly less often and definitely didn't last as long. She still throws some good ones but they don't seem to last as long as they used to.
Posted by: Beckie | March 14, 2006 8:25 PM
