March 16, 2006 5:57 PM
Parenting Q&A Grandparents
A reader wrote:
We are a first generation Christian family. My husband and I have loving parents, but they definitely have different values on different topics regarding the children and how they should be raised. There are times when we have to choose between doing what we feel is right for the children or stepping on the toes of adults. Have you and your husband ever had to deal with times like this, and what wisdom have you gleaned that you can share with us?
A "simple" example: we homeschool our 4 (almost 5) children, age 2, 4, 6, 8. The grandparents have "come around" as they have seen the fruit of our lifestyle, but questions still arise about when they're going to school. My husband and I are not even putting our daughters on the college train at this point, so that is an explosion waiting to happen. I am personally a "recovering feminist" so this is dear to my heart.
How do you commit your ways to the Lord and honor your parents at the same time? Is there really a conflict here?
My reply:
I'm going to post your question on my blog (without your name).I think any of us who were part of a generation of change in our family lines struggle with these issues. My husband's family and my own were not Christians and did not take well to us becoming believers. They were skeptical of every decision we made. My mother-in-law acted as though it was a personal attack whenever I got pregnant and refused to acknowledge my pregnancies (although she was kind to the children once they were delivered).
It is hard when you want your parents' approval and understanding, but I guess this is part of the responsibility of those God chooses to turn around a family legacy. After becoming believers, Tripp and I looked back over our family trees and realized God had us uniquely positioned to turn around our family legacy. It was working to fulfill that calling that helped us to become better than we might otherwise have been,
I had to laugh when you said "recovering feminist" because that fits me to a T. My two oldest girls knew they wanted to be married more than anything. One went to community college for a year, then dropped out to work and finish putting her childhood sweetheart through college so they could be married sooner. Today they've been married for 14 years, have 5 children and are working on adopting one. Samantha is a very resourceful and well-rounded person. The second never wanted to go to college, but to "apprentice" at home under her mom until Mr. Right came along. Other Christians were aghast, but why should someone go to college if they have no desire or calling to go? Then people asked how she would find a husband if she didn't go to college. Really, they did! Today she is married with five children also.
I think you honor your parents by continuing to love them and explain to them why you make the decisions you do. Don't let them get your goat and just smile and be confident. Your children - their attitudes and behavior - will be so remarkable that they will be a continuing witness that you know what you are doing.
Posting this for readers' comments, because I know a lot of you have experience with this
Posted in Big families, Mothering | Permalink
Comments
The above entry is why I wrote Building the Christian Family You Never Had: A Practical Guide for Pioneer Parents. One of the chapters people refer to the most is about how to protect our children from the negative influence of grandparents while still preserving the relationship. It's not an easy line to walk.
There are times when we must, regettably, eliminate visits alone (known sexual abuse, drinking and driving, etc.)We are the parents. But as pioneer parents, we still crave the affection of our own parents. IT's key, though, that we become parents to protect our children, even if it means stepping on the toes of our parents and risking emotional abandonment.
Look at the life of Jesus. He honored his earthly parents. Yet his obedience to God the Father cost his earthly parents dearly. Oswald Chambers says that our obedience often costs others more than it costs us. I have felt the weight of that.
No matter what issues you have with your parents, though, do your best to preserve your children's relationship with them. Don't let your own bitterness be a barrier to your children's needed fellowship with grandparents.
If you want more information on this, run to the library or a local bookstore and flip through Chapter 15 entitled "Why can't I go to Grandpa's House?"
Mary E. DeMuth
www.relevantprose.com
Posted by: relevantgirl | March 17, 2006 3:02 AM
I have a similar situation, though not as drastic as your emailer's. My mom is devoutly anti religion. Not anti God, anti religion. She has her reasons, and I have to admit that because I know of them I really can understand why. I wish she'd come around and see that not everyone who goes to church is evil but it's been too deeply engrained. Obviously you can see I was unchurched as a child and I never regularly attended until a year ago. My husband was a church goer as a kid but like, me is lazy so we never made the effort until now.
She taught me that religion is stupid, that the preachers are mean, that they yell at you and tell you that we're all bad and evil and sinners and we're all going to hell (well, yes we are sinners, but my mom just doesn't get it). I've been gently informing her about what we're doing at church and all the things we're doing and how happy Olivia and Portia are in going. That we have a loving pastor and a friendly congregation. However, when she's in town we skip church on Sundays because she just doesn't get it. though she's learned to say that she's happy for us. I did have to tell her one year because she takes my eldest for a couple of weeks each summer that she is not to talk about religion to her because Mom cannot be objective. She's been very good about it too because she sees how important it is to us.
And to give credit to my mom she's been trying to be understanding and has been keeping her mouth shut about certain things. When my daughter was baptised in January, I told her about it and she said that it was wonderful (of course she had to include the story of her forced baptism as well but she didn't mention it to my daughter).
Anyway, to keep the peace in my family, I don't bring it up very often. When I do, I'm polite as possible and I don't go into big details. Polite, polite, polite is the key even when they're telling you that you're stupid and narrow-minded for going to church. Just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way," and change the subject. Become a broken record if they won't give up. Eventually they will just learn to drop it. Also a fight takes two sides. If you refuse to argue about it then they'll lose steam and it'll be over quite soon. When they give their opinions on a subject and you know you'd never be able to agree with them (home schooling for instance) you say, "That's very interesting, we'll have to think some more about that," and change the subject. It's easy to avoid answering the question while being polite when you know your answer is going to spark off a fight. Just be polite. And smile.
If you feel that they will harm your children in the long run, that they'll try to convert them to their way of thinking or if they're evil (they don't sound evil but this is an in general thing now) just remember that you're the parent and you have every right to limit their contact to supervised visits. When two such strongly opposing views are meshed together sometimes it just isn't going to work out. You won't be breaking a Commandment because you'll be protecting your children. It says "Honor thy father and mother", it does not say bow to their every whim against your better judgement and to the detriment of your children. My father is no longer allowed to be in my home because he's not safe to be around the kids. He's not safe. And I don't have any qualms about that commandment because I have to protect my children.
Sorry, I've been rambling. I hope you found even a little of it useful.
Posted by: Spring | March 17, 2006 9:44 AM
I have a similar situation with my in-laws. Usually we just have to stand our ground and kindly but firmly explain our position on things and leave it at that. Luckily, they've never tried to directly go against our wishes. They'll do lots of questioning and even criticizing, but they haven't tried to directly undermine anything yet.
Also, I don't know how to ask this without sounding critical, so I'll just toss it out there as food for thought. As Barbara says, it's perfectly wonderful for children of any gender to choose not to go to college. However, a Christian woman can go to college, get valuable skills, and then put those skills to use in raising her children, educating her children at home, or helping the family. For example, I use the skills/degree I have to work from home in a field that is flexible, pays well, and only requires 10 hours of my time per week, which I fit in around sleepy times for the kids. If I hadn't gone to college and grad school (before I had kids), there is no way I could do this. It really helps the family and, I'll admit it, helps my brain to be able to do something adult and challenging for even just 30 minutes a day. Barbara puts her Montessori training to wonderful use in writing books and educating her children (and other moms!). I just love Small Beginnings for that. It sure hasn't taken away from her christian-ness or her mom-ness.
Young children cannot know yet if they want to go to college or not. Perhaps, maybe, would it be more prudent to educate them at home with all the required classes and subjects for college entrance, while realizing they may not choose to go? Education is never ever wasted.
Good luck!
Posted by: Jill | March 17, 2006 1:59 PM
I also have a similar situation. My parents are not believers and were very opposed to homeschooling. What really brought them around was not the reasoned, calm discussions had about the matter, but my children's respect for them, and hard-working, uncomplaining attitudes about life. They compare them to thier neices' and nephews' children and to the grandchildren of friends of thiers and see a favorable comparison. My two oldest children are in college right now (we live in a college town) and my third of four will attend a really prestigous college next year. She really wants to and I am in support of her and will be in very close contact. Gotta love cell phones email and instant messaging. More scary is that after my eldest daughter graduates this May, she is planning to go to the mission field in "gasp" Iraq. She learned all the love for the lost at home and all the linguistic and language, communication skills at college, Then the opportunities arose from her Campus Crusade connections. She has twice been out of the country on short term missions. I am of course concerned for her safety, but know that the safest place for her (and everyone) to be is in the center of God's will. All that to say that college can be of benefit. Also, my parents' attitudes have so changed that they are in favor of my brother and his wife home-schooling thier children. My brother is also doing just that, even though he and his wife are still not yet believers. We have hope because they continue to use much Christian curriculum and seem open as we continue to witness to them. Be firm about your resolve to do what is right. Trust God to work in your parent's lives and let your children prove the value of your way of life.
Posted by: Diane | March 17, 2006 4:41 PM
