March 15, 2006 5:34 AM
Parenting Q&A Unreasonable Feelings revisited
The other day I posted this question from a reader:
My 4 year old daughter gets very upset over small things and won't let itThere were several helpful comments posted - thank you! - but last night Molly from Choosing Home left a comment that was so throrough and universal in application I am posting it in an entry to make sure everyone has a chance to read it. Molly is one of a group of women who not only blog at Choosing Home, but maintain a forum which is where I send mothers sometimes when my email box gets too full to handle.
go. For example, today at lunch, my 2 year old opened the straw for my 4
yr old. My 4 yr old cried and carried on for at least 30 minutes about it.
Then this evening, we had a sitter here who was fixing a cheeseburger
while we were getting ready to go out. I forgot to tell the sitter that my
4 yr old normally puts the cheese on herself, so instead the sitter did
it. This terribly upset my 4 yr old and when I got home, the sitter said
she cried and complained about it until she fell asleep.
I understand her need for independence and that this stems from that, but
is there a point at which discipline is called for? How can I teach her to
be sad about something, but then let it go? Should I even try that? What
should I do?
Molly, I really appreciate your taking the time to share so generously here! I think you really captured how in trying to be good mothers we can actually over-cater to a child's feelings. I think that's something you can't do once you have a whole lot of children, but can happen easily with the first or second. And while yes, I did at one time have just one and then two, I had experience as a Montessori teacher so I probably had a little more objective perspective. One thing I like is how Molly zeroes in on how a child can manipulate - even tyrannize - others with her feelings and how tolerating or feeding into this behavior reinforces an "entitlement mentality."
Here is what Molly wrote:
My Credentials (*grin*):
I have five children (age 7 and under) and prior to motherhood, spent 4 years teaching Pre-K at a private school (4 and 5 year olds) during college.My advice in a nutshell: tell her to get over it.
I am all for compassionate parenting, but it is not compassionate to let a child be ruled by their emotions like that, to the point of refusing to go on with life because their whims weren't obeyed. This is not doing the child a favor: this is setting the child up for a life of misery, because, as we all well know, life does NOT cater to our whims.One of the most important skills we can learn is to GET OVER IT and move on.
So, with that in mind, I refuse to listen to whining.Do give her a place where she can be grumpy. This has always been a very effective method for me, both in the classroom and in my own home. Find a certain area/place where the child can be angry/grumpy, but it has to be a place where their anger/whining isn't going to ruin everyone else's good time. This is very important, because usually continually whining/angry children DO ruin everyone else's good time (and often they know it, and that is part of the pleasure--everyone is forced to submit to their mood) and that is NOT FAIR to the rest of the family or to the classroom.
You are not punishing the child for their feelings, and you make that very clear, but you are also not encouraging or rewarding those feelings, and you make THAT very clear.
Inform them kindly that they must stay in the designated spot until they feel like they'd like to be happy. And then ENFORCE IT. Do NOT let that child get up with a scowling or whining look in their eyes. THey can only join the rest of the family when they are HAPPY.
This works WONDERS. There were a few children in my classroom who came in with an entitlement mentality and got HORRIBLY bent out of shape when crossed, and this method worked WONDERFULLY on them w/in 2-3 weeks. It is truly amazing. Every once in a while after the initial period would they snap back into their own ways, but when I'd offer to move them to the whining area, they would always decide to stop on their own accord.
How to start:
All you have to do is decide where your area is going to be, and then inform the child of the change in policy.
Don't get all emotionally involved in the discussion--just inform the child something like... that you realize it's very bad for you to allow that child to be whiney because you are the Mommy and God wants you to raise a happy child, and that you are so sorry you have been letting them whine, but that you are so happy becuase now you are going to change that and help them get better... And if you let that child always whine about not getting their own way, you aren't obeying God by being a good Mommy, and you don't want to do that because you love God (Mommies have to obey too! Wow!), and besides, you really love the child too, and so you want them to be a happy child and not be always whining.
...Something very clear and simple like that. And then...begin. Every time that child starts pitching a fit, give her a brief warning (again, no emotional discussions--just a quick one-two sentance reminder)...and if she continues at ALL (and she will, especially the first week or two), move her to the designated area immedietely.
The only requirement, really, is that you are sweet but FIRM, and that you don't mess around.
When you are moving her to the area, NO long talks with her about their feelings--not only does she not even get half of that sort of discussion, but it also has you playing right into her hands: her fit throwing gets you bowing and scraping. Blech. This is not what we want our children to learn about life!
Instead, you make your face look like it could care less, almost as if you don't even notice that they are throwing a fit. Treat it as matter of factly as doing the dishes or feeding the dog: "whining children need to go to the whining area, happy children can get up. The End." She may seem a little shocked about your reaction at first, but I guarantee you, she will respect you TONS for it later. She is learning that you are not easily manipulated, which in turn, makes her feel safe and loved around you. :)
This respects the child's feelings, but it does not allow the child's bad mood to tyrannize everyone else. IT allows the child time to cool off and blow of steam, without her being able to punish everyone w/in earshot. And it also teaches the child that pitching a fit about not getting her own way really doesn't serve to get her anything good...and eventually she will decide that it's not worth the hassle.
Hope this helps!
Love in Him,
Molly
who's "been there, done that" many times. :)
Posted in Mothering | Permalink
Comments
This sounds like you know what you are talking about! What fantastic advice, I intend to store it away until needed. (hopefully never, right?)
Posted by: mandyg | March 15, 2006 11:18 AM
Thank you for this great advice! It is just what I needed. I'll put it in practice starting today. Thanks to everyone who responded with help!
Posted by: Elaine | March 15, 2006 12:45 PM
I like this strategy and have done something similar ("OK, sweetie, this is not a time-out, just stay here until you calm down. Will hugging [her security blanket] make you feel better?"). Except I'm not sure about telling a child that he/she must be happy to be with the family. We tend to use "polite," "nice," "calm"; or, as my daughter gets a little older, "respectful." I don't expect her to act happy if she is not, only to (learn to) deal with her negative emotions in a more self-controlled way than whining or falling on the floor screaming.
Posted by: Jennifer | March 15, 2006 4:29 PM
Exactly. You might not be able to change the behavior, but you can change the LOCATION of the behavior. :) Good advice.
Posted by: Mel | March 15, 2006 4:46 PM
Amen! My mom-in-law helped me learn that with my first and it has saved my sanity. Well put Molly. Love tha Molly-by-golly. ;-)
Thanks for posting it, Barbra. Love that Barbra too!
Posted by: Annie | March 15, 2006 5:15 PM
Sheesh. That Molly is so smart! :)
Posted by: Holly | March 15, 2006 5:35 PM
This is so funny, Barbara, because I got on here to blog about this today...your post just got me thinking about it...and come to find out, you did it for me! LOL... Thanks!
Posted by: molly | March 15, 2006 7:51 PM
I LOVE how you are using your Blog Barbara! God Bless You!!!!!! I don't have any four year olds at home....how about advice on tempermental 14 year olds! :)
Diane
Posted by: Partners In Prayer for Our Prodigals | March 15, 2006 8:55 PM
Great advice. I'll save it in case I need it in a few years. ;D
Posted by: Faith | March 17, 2006 4:53 PM
