May 5, 2006 11:43 AM
Being a mommy in a Me- First! world
Motherhood is not easy - I think we're all agreed on that. From the get-go it involves sacrificing your own needs for another. Marriage should do that too, but because marriage involves another adult, it's far less intense and we can get by with just giving in a little.
But that sweet little baby they hand you in the hospital is a bundle of needs with no ability to take into consideration things like your need for sleep. That's where I believe the first chance for changing our attitudes begins, but since we're inexperienced when we go into this motherhood thing (all our learning is on the job); we immediately set a goal of getting the baby's cycle to conform to our own.
Now there's really nothing wrong with that - to a point. But how we go about it - and our attitudes - really matter. I know when I was starting out as a mom it took a long time for me to let go of my sense of entitlement - as though I were somehow entitled to sleep through the night. It took me a long time to surrender to the fact that my life was no longer my own.
But the fact is, my life is not my own and has not been for 36 years. And while I may have spent years resisting the idea that the world did not revolve around me, but - that my world would now revolve around my family - those were not the best years of my motherhood. The best came when I surrendered and realized it wasn't about me at all. This was something I had learned from experience and fully embraced years before Rick Warren made it the first line of The Purpose-Driven Life: "It's not about you."
I find a lot of reassurance in those four little words. They soothe and calm me when I momentarily forget that it's not about me. See, when I forget it's not about me, I'm miserable and unhappy because life is full of reminders that it's not about me. And being a mommy has to be the ultimate challenge in surrendering to the reality that life is nowhere near being about me at all.
Being a mommy is humbling. You are confronted with your mistakes constantly. They haunt you: What if I had known then what I know now? What if I had done this differently? What if my children never realize how much I loved them? And what if no one ever knows how hard things sometimes were?
You have the most challenging task in the universe, and yet the most unaffirmed. No pay raises, bonuses, performance reviews, trophies, medals, or even stickers for doing things well. Growing up in a society that routinely rewards success, it can be hard to make the transition to motherhood. It can be lonely. It can feel like no one cares.
But there is someone who cares - our Heavenly Father. And I don’t mean that as a platitude or in a you’re-not-supoosed-to-feel-this-way-so-pull-yourself-together-and-get-over-it kind of way. I mean it in a real way. Because in motherhood sometimes God is absolutely the only thing you have to hold on to.
It involves surrender. Dying to self. Not too popular in this Have It Your Way! age. Nothing we’ve really been trained to do. And something we’ve been taught to resist. How often have you gotten advice like “You have to have time for yourself” or “Be good to yourself” “Think about your needs”?
Gosh, I just don’t know where to find that in the Bible. And though non-believers scoff at using the Bible for advice (I know because I was an unbeliever for 38 years), I have found that following the wisdom there gave my life a turn for the better. I tell my kids it’s like our Owners Manual.
Everything about motherhood is really just the opposite, nudging us to put others ahead of ourselves, and to sacrifice our needs to theirs. Is it really so bad? Not if you know that you choose it willingly. So the key to finding the joy in motherhood is in making that choice.
In Chariots of Fire Eric Liddell, the 1924 Olympic champion, was able to bring his best to each moment of the race because he ran to please the Lord: “When I run, I feel His pleasure.”
Well, that’s how mothering can be. When we are surrendered and thinking more of others than ourselves, we are at our best. We feel God’s pleasure.
Perhaps the most important thing we can grab hold of and hang on to is that motherhood isn't just about us molding our kids to be all we want them to be. It's also about allowing God to mold us into the mothers he wants us to be. So how we go about doing things - and especially our attitudes - is more important than we could have imagined before we found ourselves in the midst of sleepless nights, droopy diapers and markers on our walls.
As for the lack of affirmation – your motherhood is between you and God. When you think about it, the opportunity to raise children is an incredible privilege. I can’t think of another job where you would have the opportunity to sacrifice so much – thereby becoming more conformed to the image of Christ. I picture Mary breaking her alabaster jar to anoint her Savior, and I want my life to be broken like that alabaster jar, so that my days spill out like precious oil.
Do I do it perfectly? No I don’t. But I am constantly trying to do better, constantly learning to depend more on God’s grace and forgiveness. If you are the kind of person who struggles with guilt or the paralysis that comes when you feel you’ve blown it, time to let that go. Acknowledge your faults and move on
Motherhood is a journey and we who are on it are all individuals. All of our journeys are different, but each of us stands poised to take our own next step, whatever that may be. It’s just important that we be willing to grow and to change – rather than trying to mold our motherhood to fit our own desires, it’s more challenging – and ultimately more satisfying to allow God to mold us into the kind of mothers He would want us to be.
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These are some things I shared at McLean Bible Church on Wednesday. And here is my closing prayer for the mommies there and for you too:
Lord, I love you. I’m privileged to be surrounded by women who love you too.Oh Heavenly Father, often our spirits are willing but our flesh is weak.
And to be honest, sometimes our spirits aren’t even willing.
Draw us closer to you, Lord.
Use our motherhood – with all its challenges and joys – to shape us into the mothers you want us to be.
Posted in Inspiration, Mothering | Permalink
Comments
Barbara, you have been a big influence on my mothering. Thank you so much for sharing part of your life with us, and reminding us of the richness of a life that is poured out for others.
Posted by: Holly | May 5, 2006 1:42 PM
Thank you for posting this! I had planned to attend but both my kids have come down with ear infections. I need to read and re-read this particular post every day until it gets into my head(and heart)! :-)
Posted by: Laurie | May 5, 2006 2:45 PM
Applies equally well to Dads, I think. Maybe more, since we are (generally) pulled on harder by society to work harder, longer, etc.
Posted by: Tom_with_a_Dream | May 5, 2006 4:13 PM
We are of one mind, I think.
I dithered with the philosophies of the Ezzos and the Pearls - and while I found some helpful I never fully bought into them. It was hard to put my finger on why, but now I'll say, it's the attitude. I don't like their attitude toward their kids.
I wish I had been more confident at the outset, and not worried so much that I was spoiling them when I picked them up or fed them.
Posted by: Monika | May 5, 2006 9:40 PM
Barbara, this was great encouragement. It is hard to transition from a "look after no. 1" mentality as a single person to a wife and mother. Not so much hard to do it in action, but hard to cultivate this kind of sacrificial attitude of the heart. The actions come because they are needed (the baby won't just stop crying) but at the core of my heart, it's often not how I feel. I'm working at making my actions an overflow of my heart or else eventually my actions will mean nothing at all, regardless of how sacrificial they may have been.
Posted by: Laura | May 6, 2006 9:55 AM
Barbara, this article is EXCELLENT. Wow.
I know that it always shocks people (when they ask "isn't it hard?" type questions of me, a mom with five "stair-stepper" children age 7 and under) when I tell them, "No, the hardest time for me was when I had only one."
It was, hands-down, THE hardest thing in my whole life. My beautiful little baby and a young woman who'd had 23 years of living soley for HERSELF. That first year of motherhood about killed me...
And it was a good holy blessed beautiful thing, too!!! I can't imagine what I'd be today without God's (loving!) refining fire, disguised (in my case) as a sweet gurgling little baby. :)
Not Yet Arrived (but On the Journey!),
Molly
Posted by: molly | May 7, 2006 6:36 PM
Hello, I just have to say that this article was God sent. I am 28 and just had my third child in 5 years. I was just sitting here crying and thinking that nothing that I have is my own. Everything that I had as a person that was "individual or personal" is no longer. I can't be independent like I was; nothing is my own. I am consistently having to be humble to get down things that need to be done. While people around me are having fun, hobbies, and "private time". But this article reminded me that God has called me as a mother to make the sacrifices needed for my children and right now they need mommy and mommy totally. So I thank you for allowing God to send this message through you.
Posted by: Tina | August 16, 2007 4:47 PM
