May 1, 2006 3:14 PM
Parenting Q & A - Accepting Change
A reader wrote:
My husband and I are parents of three great kids - 12, 8, and 6. Lately we have not been happy with our church. We have been there for five years and we were both baptized three years ago. My children love the church and my middle child has two best friends there. But spioritually, my husband and I are struggling with the church and would like to see what other churches are like in our nighborhood. I spoke very lightly of this to my 8-year-old and he flipped out: "I am not going to another church!"
How should my husband and I handle this situation without the attitude of "This is where we are going and you better like it"?
Cathy from Florida
My reply:
Hi Cathy -
That is a tough situation. But we all have to go through similar issues at some time. We've been through it with our children. We have changed churches. We have moved from one house to another. In fact we moved 3000 miles cross coutry. Lots of those things were scary for our kids.
One of the things children have to do is to learn to trust their parent even when it doesn't make sense to them or when their parents make decisions that make them uncomfortable. Can you see how that's training for their later relationship with God?
So when we have issues like that, we explain this to our children - adding that like God, we have plans to help our family draw closer to God, become spiritually stronger, etc. We remind them that our love for them is second only to our love for God and that we would never make plans that will harm them. Their job is to trust us and keep open minds as we try to find out where God is leading.
It is an important process. Once you make a change and it turns out okay, they will be more willing to trust you next time. Their relationship with us is how they learn to trust God - so they can make changes as adults without flipping out.
Love,
Barbara
Readers?
Posted in Family, Mothering | Permalink
Comments
We are a military family and we move every couple of years. We say goodbye to friends, leave the comfort of our homes and jump out into the Great Unknown, having no idea what the immediate future holds in store. The children have no choice about any of it, but they handle it fine. Because I handle it fine. I've come to believe, watching other families, that it all hinges on mother. The kids will all take their cue from her.
I also know that kids are very reasonable. If the situation is explained, they will be able to adjust. They will see that you are being fair and doing what is best for the whole family, even if there is some sacrifice.
That said, we don't shop for churches. We just go to the one nearby, even if the homilies aren't very good!
Posted by: Jennie C. | May 1, 2006 8:42 PM
My inclination would be to stay at the church! I figure as an adult I can work my way around things more easily. I can listen to sermons on audio, go to a local Bible Study, read my Bible and commentaries. . .even visit other churches for evening worship or whatever.
Unless there was some sort of terrible doctrine or behavior going on, for the sake of the kids and their spiritual well being, I'd stay.
Posted by: Monika | May 2, 2006 12:38 AM
We've changed churches quite a few times since our children were born, between relocations and doctrinal issues in one congregation. Our oldest is seven and she, especially, has experienced a great deal of difficulty with these moves. The times we have been visiting numerous places, seeking the Lord's will as to the "home" He'd been preparing us for and for us, have been the most difficult for her. After our most recent relocation, we spent a year looking for our new "home."
If there are no major doctrinal issues at the church where you are currently members, you might consider having one parent continue to attend there with the children while the other parent visits other congregations. This has been especially helpful for us in that we have had an opportunity to look into other children's programs before placing our children there for any length of time. Our children have had the opportunity to get used to the idea that they may be leaving, too. Once a parent (usually my husband) finds a church he'd like the rest of us to visit, we go together.
This can take a toll on a family, too, of course. Normally I would never suggest to a family that they worship apart from one another. This has simply been something our family felt led to do for a time and that worked for our personal situation.
Children are never too young to learn Biblical principles of following the leading of the Holy Spirit, and even of sacrifice as another commenter mentioned. There will regularly be times in our lives in which the Lord calls us to do something which is not automatically pleasing to our flesh. If our children learn this lesson at a tender age, how much better prepared will they be to do so as adults?!
We invite the children to join in our prayers for guidance. And we do listen carefully to their thoughts and comments after visiting new congregations! Comments like "I like this church because of the playground" become learning opportunities for sharing about the purpose of the assembling together of God's people. Sometimes they surprise us by picking up on something in either their classes or the worship that we missed and that shows some true discernment!
Don't neglect to pray for your child's heart to be changed and to allow the Lord the chance to work in the situation. He loves our children infinitely more than we can even begin to imagine. He will see your family, including your children, through the changes.
There's nothing wrong, in my opinion, with honestly sharing you are sorry your child doesn't like the idea of leaving and allowing him or her to appropriately express to you those feelings of grief for a time. Don't we all just want to be heard sometimes? Even if it can't change anything?
Trust the Lord to work it all to good. His plans are greater than ours and His ways are higher than ours. We are never too young to begin to learn those concepts!
Posted by: ADDMama | May 2, 2006 9:40 AM
We are in about the same type situation. We've been attinding our church for 5.5 years. Have gone through a pastoral change and have sat almost one year under the new pastor's leadership. It has been a LONG difficult year. My husband was on the "transition" team and had felt like he wanted to quit the church as soon as a new pastor was in place. But we both felt like maybe we should stay a while and see the direction the new pastor was taking with the church. We also have two teenage sons...(4 younger children as well) but the teenagers we felt would be most traumatized by leaving the church. So we have stayed...but the last two months have been almost miserable. My Dh and I do NOT feel at home any more in the church, feel totally out-of-place....it is the weirdest, hardest place we have ever been in. I know children are resilient and obeying the Lord is more important than pleasing our children...but we are really struggling with what we should do or where we would go. Our oldest (17 yrs) is the most adamant that he does NOT want to leave the church. So we are kind of in limbo waiting to get a clear vision or direction of where God wants us to be.
I wish I had a better answer for you. ALthough, I think that if God does moves on my Dh husband's heart to finally quit...we have to follow his lead.
We are not struggling with doctrinal issues here...it is just a vague feeling of "not belonging" anymore that we cannot quite get a grasp on. All I can say is trust God and continually seek Him until you have complete peace about where you should be. That peace may not come until you take the steps in faith and move on.....
Posted by: Tara | May 2, 2006 9:45 AM
We were in a similar situation. It was a church everyone seemed to be going to. it had a wonderful children’s program but I just did not like it. Husband did so I figured I could just hang in there and learn to like it because the boys just had so much fun and that is what I wanted for them, fun and learning. Then little things started happening... a lecture from the minister before his sermon about being tardy to church is not accepted (I am usually rushing in since my boys were so small, a note in the mail about if you do something good volunteer wise you would get a stamp. Four stamps and you get a reward (I forget the details), the Easter service we took our brother to so he could hear the good news and all they talked about was Greek, and the last straw was the letter in the mail that said you can tithe with your credit card. "Not only can you tithe you can get your money back if you use your Discover."
The parking lot is still full but it has one less car in it. We looked around after we really looked at the situation.
I'm thinking of you. It is a tough call that only you can make.
Posted by: Janet | May 2, 2006 12:35 PM
