June 13, 2006 12:15 PM
Hospitality Challenge
Deb's comment on my Morning Ramblings inspired me to pose another question and a challenge.
She wrote:
I think the problem is human nature taking advantage of modern times. Folks just are not deeply involved with each other because we don't HAVE to be. We suffer for it, to be sure, but most of us are pretty comfortable with our a/c, paychecks, insurances, comfy churches, etc, and are rarely put in a position where we feel really NEEDY. Or, we know we are needy but absolutely petrified of rejection, so it's safer to just not risk it.
Just to check, how many non-family members do you invite to your home weekly? How often have you been invited over elsewhere? How many "strangers" have we opened our homes to? Home is where this real stuff happens. We freak out because our homes don't look like Southern Living or Country Home or ... Architectural Digest ... or even that FlyLady lives there... and then we let another week go by, safely protecting our image one more time.
Now if she'd asked that last week, I would have been at a loss. But it did just so happen that we invited our new worship leader and his wife and their eight children (all under 11) over for dinner on Sunday after church. Because he has to wrap things up, they didn't arrive until 3:30 or so. I thought we'd have a crowd, but Samantha and her family couldn't make it because of soccer and Jasmine and her family were recuperating from a wonderful week spent with her visiting in-laws. Josh and Hattie came and our eight at home (since Ben and Zach are here for the summer). So let's count them - 22 in all. I guess we had a pretty big crowd after all.
And it is quite funny when two big families get together, trying to deal with learning everyone's names :)
Anyway, the kids played in the pool and we had hamburgers and Hattie and Josh showed us pictures from their honeymoon. Then the kids just played while the grownups talked and talked about everything under the sun. Before we knew it, it was almost 10:00!
It was a wonderful time, and I was left wondering when and why we had stopped socializing as much as we used to. I made a resolution to push myself to do it more often.
But I've given myself permission not to knock myself out with preparations - just to do something simple and expect the best from my guests - the best, meaning that they won't judge me because I asked them over when my house wasn't looking that great. The best meaning that they will understand that my time is limited and I don't want to stop having friends just because I can't keep my house up to Southern Living standards.
Relationship is so much more important than image. And when our feeling that things must be perfect stands in the way of relationship, then there's something wrong.
So, Deb what you said is very timely - and maybe something that more people than just me need to hear. This can be another challenge for readers who may have been unintentionally withdrawing: can you invite another family over next week and just relax and enjoy the company?
I know at the Curtis house, we're planning to do this more often.
Comments
What a wonderful post! Tomorrow my husband's family is coming from up north. I have been beside myself trying to figure out how I am going to entertain them, especially since I don't really know them. This is only the 4th time that I have visited with them in the 10 years that my husband and I have been married. I am scared to death because things are not what they should be, and wouldn't you know it that I would notice how I have not gotten all the grease off of the backsplash or that the bathroom really could have used a deep clean?
Your post made me realize that I just need to sit back, enjoy the visit and not worry about the rest. I will do my best to bless them but I will leave the stuff I can't control in God's hands.
Thank you!
Posted by: Mrs. DMG | June 13, 2006 12:25 PM
Thanks for sharing this. We haven't had anyone over in a long while, but we need to do it. I am going to accept your challenge and invite another family over next week : )
Posted by: Kelli | June 13, 2006 1:15 PM
I am coming out of lurkdom to comment on this post because the subject matter is near and dear to me.
Sunday we had a lovely after-church conversation with another couple and my husband said, "Can we have them over for lunch?" I agreed, but cringed inside at the way we left the house. This other couple stopped by the store to pick up some salad fixings and we went home and did the 5 minute crisis cleaning. I put two kids (not my own) to work "spot cleaning" the kitchen floor and sweeping, while my DH loaded the dishwasher and I swiftly put stuff away.
When they arrived we fixed lunch together as we visited and the 8 kids played outside. Communal cooking is a bonding event: I can't tell you what things I've learned from cooking with friends.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Posted by: Carol in Oregon | June 13, 2006 5:07 PM
well, I'm the "Deb" who wrote the above. I don't care how many times I have new people over, it's always a bit uncomfortable and probably always will be an act of faith for my personality type. But you have to just DO IT, and as Mrs DMG wrote, put people to work alongside you! It makes it so much more fun and memorable. I treasure the families I can work alongside and be real with and those relationships all started with that first invitation.
I do always have the toilet/sink sparkling and fresh hand towels, though, no matter what else is in a state of flux.
Barbara, I'm sure your minister and family were blessed deeply.
Posted by: floorplan | June 13, 2006 7:14 PM
Barbara---thank you for this post...I need a kick in the behind in this area. I sometimes get so consumed in my little "family bubble" I let other relationships slide. Lately we've been burned by some friends and I'm so scared to get close to another family/friend that I just stick to myself, but it makes for a lonely journey sometimes.
Posted by: Lindsey | June 13, 2006 7:36 PM
We were friends with a wonderful family that was known for their hospitality. Their house was often messy (and dirty) and the wife couldn't cook, but it didn't really matter because they were so much fun to be with. They would always have people over after church and everyone would pitch in with the cooking so we didn't have to eat "burnt offerings." I learned from them that it's okay if your house is messy, or the food isn't perfect. People just enjoy feeling welcome and being together. It was a good lesson to learn after growing up in a home where company meant a gourmet meal, lots of cleaning, and huge stress.
I always joke that as long as the bathroom is clean that's what really matters, lol!
Posted by: Amy | June 13, 2006 8:00 PM
My parents were constantly having people over--at least once a week, usually more. Yet we hardly ever were invited to anyone else's house. At the time, we blamed it on being such a big family. But my husband and I don't have a big family yet, but no one invites us over, except family. We still try to have others over frequently. (Our goal at this stage of life is once a month, but we're between two moves and haven't quite made it.) It seems like it's almost completely a lost art. Still worth doing, though, whether others feel comfortable reciprocating or not.
Posted by: Queen of Carrots | June 13, 2006 8:52 PM
I have such a burden for this. My problem is my cats. First many people are allergic to cats and we have three... and my floors...we have three cats who arent always neat and tidy and when the majority of it was taking place I was working many many long hours at a job and now its just out of control. I know lame excuses but you have to know my heart breaks over this. A messy house I could almost tolerate, but a smelly house....well that just is too much for me. Ever since a former minister from our church told us we could not hold the weekly Bible study at our house because there was an odor its been hard for me to open my home. A lot of other people came forward and said they did not smell anything but all it takes is one.. We are working towards replacing the flooring sometime next year and until then I shampoo the carpets weekly, but I still struggle. Im sorry I rambled but I have always wanted to have an open door policy and its like everytime I think about it I get really sad. Just always remember when you are in someone's home what you say could break that person.
Posted by: Julie | June 13, 2006 11:44 PM
What a challenge, a good one. :-) My Hubby just asked me the other day if we could invite someone over to eat lunch with us after church on Sunday...I wanted to say "no, then I have to clean", but I resisted and smiled sweetly and said "sure hon". :-) Thanks for this post, it was very timely for me too!
Posted by: Adrienne | June 14, 2006 12:10 AM
I appreciate this entry. I actually stopped having guests for a long time because I didn't have the stamina to make the fancy vegetable trays with the fancy toothpicks and the "authentic tasting" chinese meals. With three kids under the age of four, I never thought my house looked good enough. One day my husband complained that we never had guests anymore and he was sure that our friends would appreciate our company even if I toned it down a bit on the hostessing. You know what - he was right (Don't tell him!).
Sara -
babyowls.blogspot.com
Posted by: Sara | June 14, 2006 12:15 AM
Interesting. We love being hospitable (and dh's culture requires it!). But we have a different problem--it is becoming nigh-on impossible to get anyone to come and eat with us!
Even with church people, it takes 3-4 weeks of back-and-forthing about thier schedules,and then several re-schedules to get anyone to come over for an hour or two of food and fellowship. Non Christians are even worse. They look at the family dinner table like it's a giant green monster or something. I think unfortunately many Americans have gotten out of the habit of eating together around a table, and now find it too strange to be comfortable. :(
We get lots of promises of "we'll get together sometime" and always offer our home for the get together, but everyone is so BUSY! Sometimes it makes me feel guilty because we're not that busy! Maybe we're lazy? Maybe we're not in enough activities? etc, etc. I don't think it's the food or the house. I'm a good cook and I keep the house in decent shape.
How do I get people to *accept* hospitality?
Posted by: Margaret | June 14, 2006 6:39 AM
Margaret: I've noticed the same, getting people to accept hospitality. We often get cancellations and that's just life in our crazy world. Ask someone you trust if there are any cultural taboos you may be unwittingly breaking. Other than that, try to make your hospitality less "scary" by making it less formal. Make it an impromptu something, with no advance scheduling ... "We're having ice cream instead of supper before the ballgame, want to come over?" Or try this: "Hey, is there anyone you've been wanting to visit with? I'd like to have you and them over after church..." or "would you please bring the bread? I don't have any bread in the house!"
To the lady with the cats, ouch. I'm sorry you've been hurt by others' comments, but we have allergies in our family, and there are SO many people we cannot visit in their home because of pets. If your burden is really for people, consider that pastor was doing you a favor. You may need to choose between serving others or keeping your cats and their mess...and your loneliness.
I have been immensely blessed, exposed to so many cultures and missionaries and strangers and seen such love because my mom had an open heart and home. The stories I could tell!
Hospitality is worth every minute of your time and will pay your family back immeasurably. And it is dear to God's heart, too.
Posted by: floorplan | June 14, 2006 9:57 AM
I just wanted to add, after our children came we found it harder to entertain. What we used to do was tidy up a little in the afternoon on Sunday. My husband and I would take turns attending the evening service and whoever stayed home that week would put the children in bed. After church we would invite people over, trying to make a point of having someone new and having a few people to keep the conversation going. By the time we came home with the guests the children would be asleep. We would offer something simple like cookies or nachos, coffee and tea. It was lots of fun to just relax and visit without the stress of making a meal.
We moved a couple years ago and finally found a new church about six months ago. My husband and I both have some health problems now that make having people over difficult. I wish that someone, ANYONE in our church would invite us to their home so we could get to know them.
Posted by: Amy | June 14, 2006 1:00 PM
God has used His call to be hospitable (especially important for people in the ministry- I Timothy 3:2) to help guide my dh and me. We have been staying in a place that is so small it is impossible to have more than 2 people to a meal and more than 4 guests won't fit in our living room. That has been a matter of prayer for us for several years. Last winter we tried to move to a bigger place but soon realized that if we were to take a place large enough to have company over we would soon be in debt. So we decided to just stay put a little longer and then take a furlough for a while.
About 1 month after than decision was made our current ministry situation changed drastically and we are so grateful that we aren't tied down to a place (and haven't had to move twice!). God knows what He is talking about when He asks things of us.
PS thanks for the tips on just remembering the sink and toliet. That will be a relief and motivation to me, especially with little ones under foot. :-)
Posted by: Cheri | June 15, 2006 7:37 AM
Cheri, I'm so glad you have the blessing of waiting on God to watch him provide! You are right, hospitality is part of Gods call to us. It is a command, not a gift.
Our home is also VERY small and while I've grown accustomed to the mental battle of 'being content' I really do feel for our guests having to squeeze in and put up with the discomfort, too! and I long for a big ol' space dearly. (Guests usually always want to come back, I've discovered : ) One night we had 17 friends over (with their kids, these are large families) and it was absolutely comical. We all wanted felt like singing so the guys rolled the piano out of my daughter's bedroom and squeezed it in front of the bathroom door so we could all fit in the kitchen to sing. Worked for us!
It helps at these times to think of our persecuted Christian brothers and sisters in other countries who so long for fellowship with each other that they will pack like sardines into a tiny hidden room, just to be together and read God's word and see each other's faces.
Posted by: floorplan | June 15, 2006 9:17 AM
People always talk about how terribly busy they are but we've never had a problem finding folks to come over and visit. I don't consider myself a good hostess - I'm always forgetting to offer drinks, take coats, etc. But I do know that people feel welcome to come into our home, put their feet up and have a good time. We probably have guests twice a week, sometimes more - some of that is that my husband is a pastor and we have lots of church stuff here but mostly it's just friends, the neighbors, who ever we end up talking to after church.
I have defintely learned to relax about my house, I try to keep things tidy. A thrown together meal with what you have on hand and some ice water is just fine. My mom used to always say :
If you're coming to see my house make an appointment. If you're coming to see me come anytime!
That's become my moto.
As for pets, we have a big, okay HUGE dog and I've convinced my hubby to keep him in the garage when we have company - it just makes people more comfortable.
I know this is long but I just want to encourage everyone reading to demonstrate hospitality. It shows the love of Christ, it is an act of service. And if I can do it, a shy, want the house to look perfect, mom of four kids under the age of four with one more on the way then ANYONE can!
Posted by: Anna | June 15, 2006 1:06 PM
