June 13, 2006 7:42 AM
This morning's mental ramblings
Something came up in the discussion of what to call mothers-in-law that I wanted to explore further.
I think Alison hit it on the head when she described us as an emotionally open family. I lived for 30 years in California and my husband and kids and sons-in-law grew up there, so in addition to different family styles - and ours is at the extreme end of open where one family member's business is everyone's business and that's the way we like it - we have run into cultural differences here in the South.
People are more reserved here. At first you don't notice it because of all the smiling and friendliness. But after living here for a while you realize that this is a surface kind of thing and that people don't generally tell you how they really feel. My kids have noticed it too.
Some Southern Christians, especially, can be very superficial - really trying to be conformed to the image of what they think a good Christian should look like. I don't mean to step on any toes here. Just putting my observations into words.
My sons going to a Christian college were really taken aback by the inauthenticity of some of their peers and were grateful to have grown up in an emotionally open home. And one of my grown-up daughters has been grappling with the difficulty of dealing with people who smile at you when somehow you know something is off in the relationship.
It's not that I think one family or regional style or is better than another. But I do believe that as flawed human beings we will sometimes hurt or offend each other - sometimes unintentionally. Emotional health requires us to be able to discuss and deal with our differences. And our love for others should encourage us to develop the tools to do so in a productive way...
This is really just the beginning of a thought process and who knows where it will lead - another book maybe? The only journal I keep is a small book where I write down ideas for articles and books. It's amazing to go back and see how one sentence I scribbled there many years ago turned into a 45,000 word book.
But for today, I'd just like to note that as parents, we need to teach our kids about how to relate to the world in a healthy authentic way - striking a balance between being polite and considerate of others while learning to communicate in a straightforward manner.
It takes faith to approach a friend or a neighbor about a problem you know needs to be dealt with. People are unpredictable. You may come in a spirit of friendship and improving your relationship and they may kick you in the teeth. Or deny that anything's wrong, thus implying that you must be at least a little crazy.
But sometimes people respond in the same spirit, grateful to have an opportunity to talk things out. And then your relationship is the better for it.
Having kids with mental and physical disabilities has taught me to see people in a different way than I used to. It's given me more appreciation of the spectrum of emotional abilities we have. A number of years ago a book came out called Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More than I. Q. It's now out of print, which is a shame, because the premise of the book was so radically different and so true.
Who we are as human beings isn't just about intelligence and education and where we go to church. It's about how able we are to be authentic human beings and serve our fellow man. And any emotional disabilities we have stand in the way. I believe it is emotional disabilities which cause some people to be able to spout off scripture but not to be able to live them out in their daily lives.
Take forgiveness. How many people know what the scripture says about forgiveness and yet though they feel confident in using scripture to nail others seem somehow to forget the one they need the most?
It's been very different coming from a place where only 4 percent of the population attend church (Marin County, just over the Golden Gate Bridge from San Francisco) to live in a more Christian culture. We've learned that things aren't always as they appear and that living in an outpost like Marin can strengthen and refine your faith and emotional health in a way that living in a more homogenous culture can't. There no one knew what a Christian was supposed to look like, so we pretty much looked like ourselves. Here there is an image of what people think Christians should look like, and sometimes the emphasis on image is at the expense of releasing the individuals God created.
These are ramblings and as I write them I can tell they are the beginning of something - just don't know what.
Your thoughts are welcome - if y'all are still speaking to me :) 
Posted in Culture, Family | Permalink
Comments
As a Christian from the south, I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. I think my goal in life for the past 15 years is to teach my children to be "real" by living authentically. As a pastor's wife--I have "thrown" a lot of southern Church members by being an "open book." You articulated very well many things I have thought and felt. Thanks.
Posted by: Michelle- This One's for the Girls | June 13, 2006 9:04 AM
Hi Barbara,
Your post strikes a chord with me. I am someone who grew up in Christian culture...not in the South, but I was definitely surrounded by Christians. The home I grew up in was safe and I was loved and well cared for. I was taught about Jesus from before my birth and attended church as often as possible. As I look back, I am very thankful for my upbringing, but I do see that I also was taught that Christians look a certain way and act a certain way and that I was to maintain that in my own life. The home I grew up in was not what I would call an emotionally open one. We were not good at communication. And I don't think we are very good at it yet. Coming from this background, I realize that I have some emotional issues, imperfections. And imperfection has been something that I have had a hard time dealing with. I am learning how to accept the fact that I can never be perfect. Only Jesus is perfect and only He can make me whole. I am not sure where I am going with my comment... I just wanted to let you know that your post spoke to me. I want to raise my kids in an emotionally open home, but it is something that I need a lot of help with. I am married to a wonderful man who was not raised in your typical Christian culture home. I am learning so much from his experiences. Thank you for sharing your ramblings. I appreciate your insights.
Posted by: Christa Mullins | June 13, 2006 9:40 AM
Barbara, you hit the nail on the head. I spent the first 29 years of my life living in the south, and while there is much that is wonderful about it, it can be very hard to break through some of the surface barriers, even with other Christians. I'm in the the mid-west now, which is more open, and it is very refreshing. Most of all, I'm making a concerted effort to raise my children to communicate openly with others about their own struggles, etc.
Thanks, as always, for being so astute.
Posted by: Shannon @ Rocks in my Dryer | June 13, 2006 10:32 AM
I can definitely identify, although I grew up in the Midwest. My family was really good at the fight the whole way to church (and/or gossip) and then arrive and look very "spiritual". I remember how hard it was to hear when people would tell me how blessed I was to have the parents I had, and how they wished they had such wonderful parents when they were growing up.
Even growing up in the church, I am the "black sheep" and I haven't even left the church. My dh didn't grow up in the church, and it's nice to sometimes see the perspective of someone not always involved in the "pomp and circumstance" that sometimes surrounds organized religion.
Posted by: Lisa | June 13, 2006 11:06 AM
hmmmm.
Well, I've spent tons of time in the south and was raised by Southern women. I was asked recently why we don't move back and be closer to family, by a family member. My answer was a quick "I don't want to put my kids under that incessant pressure to look perfect and be awash in all that materialism!" I REALLY hate the phoniness, and the back-biting cloaked in sweet speech, that I grew up with.
However, being a closed book is a problem everywhere. Up here with the Yankees, it's just as hard to crack the cover open, but for other reasons.
I think the problem is human nature taking advantage of modern times. folks just are not deeply involved with each other because we don't HAVE to be. We suffer for it, to be sure, but most of us are pretty comfortable with our a/c, paychecks, insurances, comfy churches, etc, and are rarely put in a position where we feel really NEEDY. Or, we know we are needy but absolutely petrified of rejection, so it's safer to just not risk it.
Just to check, how many non-family members do you invite to your home weekly? How often have you been invited over elsewhere? How many "strangers" have we opened our homes to? Home is where this real stuff happens. We freak out because our homes don't look like Southern Living or Country Home or ... Architectural Digest ... or even that FlyLady lives there... and then we let another week go by, safely protecting our image one more time.
Posted by: floorplan | June 13, 2006 11:55 AM
I can totally relate with everyone's comments. I also grew up in a Christian home. I also heard how lucky I was to have the parents that I did. And I was lucky in a lot of ways. However, emotional openness was not practiced at all. My father particularly, has no idea who any of us are and doesn't really want to know. I know that I guard my real self from everyone, including my DH. He didn't really grow up in the church and he used to be much more emotionally open, but I guess being married to me and having contact with my family has closed him down.
I don't know if it has anything to do with the South, because I'm in the midwest. And actually, most of the southern Christians I've known have been very genuine, although sometimes the graciousness could be mistaken for fakeness, but that's just southern culture. Humorously, I moved back to the midwest from the San Jose, CA area because I thought people were fake there! Everyone was your best friend in line at the grocery store, but real friends were hard to come by.
So how do you become emtionally open? How do you raise your children to be that way? I want that so much, but I don't have any idea how to be like that. I usually feel that whenever I open up, it blows up in my face and I say or do the wrong thing and I either hurt someone or get hurt myself. Barbara, I do hope your post is the beginning of something big!
Posted by: Sarah | June 13, 2006 12:09 PM
Your post is excellent; I also agree and relate in a big way to the comments already posted; I come from Mexico, where relationships are very open; we like to talk about deep things and really be involved in a person's life; most people allow you to be involved if you show interest in the situation and they welcome your help if offered. This is something I still struggle with here in the US, because the people around me do not seem to feel the same way. My husband grew up in an environment where everyone was supossed to be respected. This meant, don's see, don't hear, don't ask. Many things were pushed under the carpet and never dealt with. Now, here come this mexican, wanting to know more, asking many questions and, needless to say, getting a "why do you need to know?" kind of answers.
After nine years I still struggle to find a balance between my way of viewing things and the way I deal with them and the respect I need to show others for not doing the same.
That being said, how do I raise my kids to be emotionally open? Do you have any suggestions how to go about making sure our kids find a balance between my openness and my in-laws "under the carpet" way of doing things? Is there a book you could recommend that would shed some light about this issue?
I cannot tell you how many issues are in our table right now that no one in the family is willing to talk about or deal with; and I mean big issues (or at least big to me) like divorce, fornication, lesbianism, alcoholism, drug addictions...and no one has said a word about any of this...we just keep moving on without acknowledging the issues at hand, pretending nothing is happening.
How could I bring a balance between my way of doing things and the way my husband's family is used to do things? Any suggestions?
Posted by: Ladylovas | June 13, 2006 12:21 PM
Dear Barbara,
I am so happy you wrote that! You have just explained, better than I could, why I chose to go to a secular college! I grew up on the mission field with my family, and so I was not immersed in our culture. When we visited, all my friends who were in Christian colleges (mostly East coast) told me sad stories of the ungodliness and insincerity there. I shocked everyone, except my family, by going to a secular college and finding a strong Christian group there. It was the right choice! Students were saved, and most of the friends I met at church were there because they loved the Lord, not because their parents made them go. I am going to save your words for the next time someone looks at me like I'm crazy when I suggest they pray about whether to send their precious daughter to that Christian college or a secular one where she can minister and be challenged. I am not intending to insult Christian schools; they just weren't the right choice for me.
Posted by: Angela | June 13, 2006 1:18 PM
Barbara, as someone who so enjoys and learns so much by reading your blog I feel really thrilled that my comment was able to spark a topic for you.
My 2 cents on the culture regarding emotional openness. My sister and I (both originally from Oregon) comment on the quite different catchphrases of our current residences. I'm in California so "whatever" is phrase heard when someone does something odd or frustrating. She's in South Carolina and hears "bless your heart" for the same. Such a difference in politeness, though upon further reflection neither is particularly honest or emotionally open.
"Open-hearted" is how I think of the qualities of honesty and emotional openness together, and it is what I am working toward, though my family background didn't set me up for it and my husband is much more comfortable keeping up appearances (secularly) and avoiding dialogue unless absolutely necessary. Thankfully I have my "live" friends and my blog reading and commenting! I don't have a religious practice, but I have found that my initial goal of being more open-hearted to the world around me has also made me more open to the spiritual being inside me. Barbara, I find your personal journey very inspiring. Thank you for your wonderful blog! Affectionately, Alison
Posted by: Alison | June 14, 2006 12:16 AM
It seems to be twofold: where you live, and your family experience. When the two collide, you get *you*.
This interests me too. I've lived my whole life in Colorado and think we are much closer to the California "model" than anything else. Most of the Christians I encounter, either at church or out and about, are very genuine people. Reading between the lines on people's faces is something we rarely have to do.
My mom took us to church with her, non-demoninational Christian. My dad is Catholic, hailing from a very boisterous, heart-on-their-sleeves, passionate, life-loving family. Sometimes I think evangelicals could use a little of Catholics' approach to life---they just seem more open and real about where they are and what they believe from what I've seen in my OWN experience.
Posted by: mopsy | June 14, 2006 10:30 AM
