August 13, 2006 8:00 AM
Parenting Q&A
Hi Barbara.
I was wondering how (and if) you go about encouraging sibling relationships? I have two daughters, ages 4 and 2. They get along pretty well most of the time, but sometimes they are downright mean to each other. I spend time telling them how important sibling relationships are, how blessed they are to have a sister, etc., but I'm not sure that's the right thing to do.
Do I let them figure this out for themselves or do I encourage and/or interfere?
I admit that I didn't grow up with a sibling close in age (closest sibling was a boy 13 years older than me), so I am living vicariously through my daughters, thankful that they have what I didn't have. Book recommendations or reader's comments on this topic would be appreciated too! (I know you're busy!)
I am busy! Preparing for my trip to Easter Seals camp with Jesse, Daniel and Justin. We leave tomorrow for a week. No one else in the family is free to go right now to The Down Syndrome Family Camp, and I just didn't want to miss it - so it will be just the four of us.
I am bringing a laptop with me, but don't know if I'll be able to post. So you may or may not hear from me next week. In the meantime, I know you can work on this reader's question. And if you're new here, there's lots of reading to be done with 1135 entries and 4166 comments at this site. Just do some exploring through the archives and categories.
Thanks for being here!
Posted in Mothering | Permalink
Comments
How to keep down the sibling rivalry? Well, all kids who spend a lot of time together are going to quarrel occasionally, but you can help a lot toward building good relationships. Here, if one child wrongs another, they must make amends in an appropriate way and apologize (with a hug). The offended is taught to forgive (holding a grudge is worse for the holder than object of the grudge) and they almost always go back to cheerful, happy play. If the cause of the quarrel is a material thing, it goes into time out on top of our entertainment center for the rest of the day and the kids are reminded that people are more important than things. And if a child is just feeling ornery for whatever reason, she's reminded that she's not being friendly and sent to recover in her room. It's not much, really, all typed out, but it sets the tone that brothers and sisters are more important than anything else, and it works. My five kids are obviously each others best friends. (Which reminds me, they must also be taught not to snub each other when a more interesting "friend" comes to visit!)
Posted by: Jennie C. | August 13, 2006 10:15 AM
Have a great time! I can't wait to hear how your trip to camp goes!
Posted by: Jessica | August 13, 2006 1:23 PM
Wow, that situation sounds exactly like my sister and I, right down to Mom's only sibling being a brother 13 years older. All I can really say is that it doesn't really matter much what Mom tries to do or say to "fix" the sibling relationship. Part of being siblings is fighting sometimes. It doesn't mean that the girls will grow up to hate each other. Actually, if Mom tries to force things too much, it will probably do more harm than good. My sister and I are pretty good friends now that we no longer live in the same house, LOL (I'm 27 now and she's 25, BTW). I could never live with her long term (I don't think - we're too different) again, but when we can hang out now, we're pretty good friends. All that to basically say - this too shall pass. It's part of growing up with brothers and sisters.
Posted by: Nancy | August 13, 2006 1:40 PM
I am of a mother, but of only one child so far, so my comment here is based on my experience as a child. I am the oldest of three daughters, now 34, 33 and 31. Our mother had no sisters and has always had to be more a caretaker than a companion to her younger brother, so she had no personal experience with sibling friendships. However, she very much wanted her dear daughters to become dear friends. Unfortunately, her method back-fired for many years. When we were children and teenagers she intervened in nearly every disagreement or upset we had with each other. Rather than teach and expect us to be considerate and respectful and to solve our own problems, she judged, berated and cajoled us to "get along" and "be grateful to have a sister." We sisters developed the habit of fighting with each other to get her attention, and rather than see each other as allies we saw each other as competition for the precious treasure of our mothers attention and approval. (Obviously the family dynamics were a little more complex than what I am mentioning here.)
Thankfully, my middle sister and I grew beyond these bad habits to become dear friends, I am so grateful that we are close in age and have shared so much of our lives. (Sadly, neither of us have had success making much of a connection with our youngest sister but thankfully we are all in friendly contact with each other.) But for years I thought rabid sibling rivalry was an inevitable result of having children close in age. Then a friend commented "Oh, sounds like your mom didn't know how to let you rub the rough edges off of each other," and I realized my friend was right.
When my son does someday have a sibling, I won't skip emphasizing the benefits of a sibling relationship, but I won't deny their honest differences and frustations with each other in hopes it will make them go away. Rather than tell them what they have in common, I will ask them what they like and ask them to listen to each othe r to find the commonalities.
I hope my story is of use to you, if for nothing else than confirming what you already don't want to do.
Alison
Posted by: Alison | August 13, 2006 2:19 PM
I think it all comes down to respect for the other person. Let's face it, we all have our "off" "grouch" "tired" times. But when a child treats a sibling with any less respect/love than they would treat a beloved friend in the same situation, that's when I intervene.
The child is reminded that this person is their family. And how important family is over the course of life. And that this is one of the few people who will be there for them their entire lives.
If the attitude doesn't immediately change (and there are times that it won't) then their friends are taken away for X amount of time.
And I remind them that they can be around their friends when they show me that they have their priorities straight.
God first. Then family.
Your girls may be a little young for this, but it's never too early to start teaching the importance of family, imho.
So my answer to you is yes, I think you're doing the right thing in reminding them of their blessings.
: )
Michelle
Posted by: Michelle | August 13, 2006 3:13 PM
I have 3 boys, ages 7, 6 and 3. From the start they knew, because we always say, "your brothers are your best friends". WHen they hear their freinds with siblings say so and so are their best friends and the person didn't say their sister or brother you should see my boys eyes get huge. they can't understand why their friends wouldn't be best friends with their sibling.
anyway, like the others said, there will be arguments and teasing but when it starts it soon stops because they are beginning to talk it out instead of running away.
also, sometimes people just need to be alone. if my boys need that they go to their bedroom or a different room, letting the others know," I need space" SOmetimes the others don't like it but we all respect that everyone needs their own time sometimes.
have fun. remind them they are best friends. it helped us that we moved 2 1/2 years ago and I got to say, "MIchael didn't move with us, neither did Christian. Think of who moved with us... our best friends, and named our 3 boys." THey always add our dog to the best friends list which is cute. did I mention our dog died last October. It doesn't matter, our oldest still says, "Carly is still part of our family" :)
Posted by: janet | August 13, 2006 9:27 PM
Well, I think you need to keep in mind the ages of your children. A four-year-old isn't terribly oriented outward toward others yet. They are really just getting the hang of interactive play and the exchange of ideas with other children. A two-year-old is really just a bit beyond babyhood and they actually CAN be downright mean sometimes. It's nothing personal. It's just that they are totally self-absorbed. This is the time to start, certainly, but I wouldn't be too worried about the scraps that arise as long as you deal with them consistantly and very clearly.
I have two girls who are very close in age. They had their squabbles when they were young but I just dealt with each instance and tried to help them see how the other felt when they were hurt or sad. This works very well with girls. Not so well with boys.
My girls were great friends growing up and they are adults now and have a great relationship!
Good Luck!
Posted by: Jennifer | August 13, 2006 9:37 PM
I think I would "echo" the majority here and say you have to teach them that Family is important. We have two boys ages 7 and 5 and wow can they quarrel. I try first to let them work out the situation either (1)by speaking kindly to each other
(no hollering) (2) asking politely for what they want or (3) listening the other's point of view. Now this doesn't always work, but the older they get the more I see it happening without any intervention from Mom.
I've seen my 7 year old work out problems by letting his younger brother go first or have his "pick" at whatever game they are going to play. It's so worth the effort.
We recently moved about 300 miles away and having developed that bond between the boys was so "key" to their adapting to the new surroundings. Sure they missed their friends, but they had each other which was so much more important.
One book I would recomment is called "Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends" - written by three siblings!
Posted by: Julie | August 13, 2006 10:38 PM
You've already received some great advice and ideas! I have two girls 1 day shy of being 14 months apart, we are also pregnant with a boy due this thanksgiving. One thing dh and I want to do is always have our children room together, no matter if "needed" because of avaliable house space or not. As the boy grows he will room with the girls until around the beginning of middle school starts for the eldest girl. Hopefully by then we will have more children than these 3, but then they will split into "boys" and "girls" rooms. hubby and i feel this will help breed closeness to eachother. (we hope anyway lol!) our house will not be one that has each child in thier own room with thier own tv's and computers! what is the point of a family room (or a family for that matter) if you can eat dinner together and then each go off into thier own seperate worlds? (litarally!) sure they may fight, or draw tape down the middle of the room or squabble over the tv remote...but what other better ways to teach about personal feelings, individual respect, and sharing/respecting personal space? hubby has also mentioned aiming to have a "study" room when the children near highschool age (preparing for sat's/act's...etc comes to mind) so they can have a quiet place to study instead of thier bedrooms. He is one of 6 children and there were times they had 3 bunkbeds side by side in one room....i came from a family of 1 younger brother, we always had our own bedrooms and personal things...all of now grown you can see the differences in how we were raised, my brother and i tend to be a bit more self focused first, and THEN family i am ashamed to say...his siblings on the other hand are compltely different, they are very close to eachother, they fight for eachother, they drop whatever they are doing to help the other out (mostly lol). i hope to instill the values and morals into my children that dh's siblings "learned" by living in a close-knit "large" family rather than the "self" values i learned in my small home growing up in my own little world 90% of the time. So I say, if you want a "close family", one way is to room them close together! *grins* Just our experiences thus far ;)
Posted by: Kristy | August 14, 2006 3:13 AM
Good suggestions!
I followed my mother's lead and did a lot of "propoganda" when the children were young. This actually started before the new baby would be born. I would prepare the toddler realistically for what to expect from his newborn sibling, but I would also add all sorts of stuff about how much the baby would love his/her big brother, etc.
Then I was constantly on the alert for anything that could possibly be construed as a loving gesture between siblings. My boys still laugh and mimic my, "Oh, look, the brothers are hugging!" It was probably a bit on the overdone, cloying side, but it did seem to work.
Posted by: Rebecca Prewett | August 14, 2006 10:39 AM
I second Alison's comment. Please give your girls a chance to work things out before you get involved. Work hard on manners not just to strangers and friends but especially to family. It will pay off long term. We also put toys in time out if the kids can not play nicely with something. I walk real slowly when my kids are fighting, everyone will usually get a swing in and I can growl at they all for fighting without worring about who started something. I am the heavy and ALL my kids can complain together about how MEAN mom is. Now that my boys are 9 and 7, I can call from another room when they are fighting and ask if they want me involved. Usually they would rather solve things themself. My girls 5 and 2 still need more help to settle things but my goal is for them to have the skills to handle disagreement on their own. When they are little you need to coach them on how to share, state their ideas, be fair. And yes it takes lots of time and energy. Having worked with trust and estates I can tell you that the last thing you want to leave your kids with is the ability to love and care for each other. It is really pathetic to see 50 and 60 year olds still fighting over who mama loved best and who got more. Lawyers love those family because the bills to try and settle things are so large. Teach your kids how to be polite to each other and let them learn to fight fair and you will have given them the gift of a good relationship that will last longer than any other they will ever have. Teach them to be allies.
Posted by: JaneD | August 14, 2006 11:03 AM
There is such a delicate balance here, and I am trying to remember how my siblings and I ended up so close. I know home schooling played a huge part, but there are so many other things that helped. In our situation at least, gender also played a role. The boys fought more when they were younger, but now they are so close, they weep when a brother moves far away. When we were old enough to grasp this, our mom told us that when she was growing up, her siblings agreed not to tattle on each other. As we followed that example, our bond grew deeper especially as we reached the teen years where we needed allies more than ever. Strangers thought we were a group of friends. My siblings will still tell me anything. People have often commented on our close family and how amazing it is. One added benefit of this respect and love for each other is that the boys learned how to treat women and I learned a lot about understanding men. When there are big disagreements in the family, the pain is unbearable, but we always make up. I think the best advice I can give is to look at what example you are setting and the lessons you are teaching. Your children will follow your lead.
Posted by: Angela | August 14, 2006 11:28 AM
I had my first five children in 7 years. I agree with the idea of letting the children work it out. But teach them what that means first. We would never think of letting a child figure out how to take a bath, or cook a meal. They requiring teaching and guidance. Learning to work it out is just the same. I wrote a post about it a while back that details how we taught our children to work it out. I've gotten good feedback from others who have read it, so you may find it helpful. It's called "Help, There's a Bully In My House."
http://spunkyhomeschool.blogspot.com/2005/04/help-theres-bully-in-my-house.html
Another book my children enjoyed going through together was Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends.
My children are now in their teens and still enjoying being with each other.
Posted by: Spunky | August 14, 2006 10:04 PM
Your children are young, and developmentally at a stage where they are still ego-centric. You say they get along most of the time and you are to be commended for that! It's normal for siblings to have spats. I would suggest a couple of things that might help. Not knowing how much time they spend together. They may be asking for alone time. Sometimes an hour or so apart in different rooms might help. Also, when they are together, give them a project to work on together. The rule being that they must work as a team. You can reward them with stickers, a story, anything simple or small for working as a team to accomplish something. This could be sorting out spoons and forks to go in the silverwear drawer to building something together with playdough. To putting books and toys away together. Good Luck!
Posted by: Wendy | August 16, 2006 4:00 PM
I spent most of our kids-at-home years settling things. Didn't want conflict. Looking back, I've come to realize a lot of relationship is built through conflict, recognizing problems, and working together to work them out. If I could do it again (not really volunteering for that) I'd let them figure it out themselves as much as possible. I wouldn't be okaying flailing fists, but a little bit more hollering would have been worth it. Clearing the air is not necessarily a bad thing. Close the windows if you care that the neighbors may hear you!
Posted by: Bev G | August 19, 2006 10:09 AM
