September 5, 2006 8:25 AM
A little writing lesson
A couple days ago someone posted a comment that I did not publish. When I wrote to her explaining why, she wrote back asking for more clarification. I sensed complete sincerity in her request. And because in the beginning I too was often too harsh in my approach - and because I do know how to critique writing - I wrote a specific reply.
In case there are others who might benefit from what I wrote, I'm posting it here. The bold italicized text is the commenter's. My commentary comes before and after.
Dear _____ -
Thanks for writing back.
I know I have an advantage in having worked on my writing for many years. Although at first I tended to run pretty roughshod over people - in the interest of truth - I quickly learned that in order to reach those in need, I had to choose my words with care.
Especially when someone has already confessed a sin publicly and reached out for help, you want to be careful not to hurt her. She's made herself vulnerable. The best people to reach someone then are those who can admit to the same sin and talk about how they have dealt/ still deal with it.
The least effective person is someone who's always been "perfect" in that area. However, that person may feel led to contribute some wisdom. In that case, she needs to continue to be led in how she makes that contribution.
Your start was pretty rough:
My first thoughts when I read this....is where is this woman's love and submission and respect for her husband?She tantrumed him into having four children. That's not a respectful way to approach things. It's not a loving submissive way to listen and respect his headship of the family. What I hear is >>> I WANT MY OWN WAY!!! And HE"S SELFISH and WON"T DO WHAT I WANT.
I know it's only a few lines in a letter, but I really struggle with the fact that many women say.. "but I know this is what God wants for me so why does my husband not listen to what I'm saying?" It ends up sounding like, me me me.
All of this sounds very accusatory. I picture a person lying bleeding on the ground and begging for help and someone coming up and kicking her. The normal person would respond by curling up in a ball to withstand the blows. How could she ever hear the wisdom that you share next:
God's primary object for us is that we bring glory to him. He has set out a fine model for us to follow. Men show God's relationship with church, women are to show the church's relationship to God. That's biblical...read corinthians, ephesians and so forth.It's almost as if these two parts were written by two different people. In the second part I see God's leading; in the first I see the Pharisee. Not that I'm calling you a Pharisee - I'm using that as a metaphor that we both understand for an attitude of the heart that Christians need to avoid.Your husband has made it clear that he doesn't want any more children. BECAUSE he loves you, he has graciously given you four lovely children. And now he says... this family is complete. Please honour him for the love he has shown you. Respect him, raise those children to love and honour God and you're doing what you need to do.
As another reader stated....you can always pray about it. But you still need to respect him for his decisions.
There's an old cliche: No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.
I'm going to post this at my blog without your name, just as a little writing help and reminder to each of us - myself included.
Posted in Blogging, Writing | Permalink
Comments
Thank you for posting that, Barbara. It's a good reminder to all of us to be gentle and loving in the way we treat others--whether it's face to face or over the internet.
Posted by: Emily | September 5, 2006 9:16 AM
I happen to disagree with your comments and agree with the one who wrote them. Sometimes in the interest of being "kind," we forget the truest kindness is to speak the truth in love. I don't see what she wrote as being loveless. I see it as being honest. And the joy of the Internet is, she doesn't know the original writer; so the original writer has the option to say, "She doesn't know me so doesn't know what she's talking about" or "Ouch. She is right."
I also think the person you were critiquing was reacting to a common complaint among those with or who want large families: "Give me children or I die!" Hmmm....sounds like Rachel in the Bible, and this was not something for which she was commended.
Having said that, I do have a large family, and I so appreciate your balanced view concerning children. Children are a blessing, not a virtue!; and I love the way you reiterate that how you raise them is more important than how many you raise. There are two extremes in my immediate society: those who look down on large families and those who look down on small ones. I don't believe either attitude is biblical, and I think you reflect a more biblical approach to parenting. Thank you!
Posted by: covenantmama | September 5, 2006 9:29 AM
Covenantmama - I know we're quick to rely on Christian catch phrases - like "speaking the truth in love" - and if Christians actually lived up to these platitudes it would be wonderful, but half the time they seem to think saying them makes covers their actions. It doesn't.
That was precisely my point - that in the first half of the comment she was not speaking the truth in love. And since she asked, I attempted to teach her to recognize why.
The last half of the comment was the truth spoken in love. But when someone confesses a sin publicly, they have already heard from the Holy Spirit and know they are wrong. God doesn't need us to come in and point our finger at the confessed sinner and berate her with accusatory statements like "You did this" and "You are not that." He needs us to do what she asked - offer help, advice and prayer.
Perhaps you could think back to some time when you have confessed a shortcoming publicly - if you ever have - and think about how God met your need through others. And what it sounded like when people spoke the truth in love.
Posted by: barbaracurtis | September 5, 2006 10:41 AM
Well....
I have very mixed feelings about the post. For one, I think this lady was as frustrated by this womans problem as I was, only for the exact opposite reason I was. I view the use of hormonal birth controls as a grave sin that is never ever ever justified. This person views a lack of total submission to a husband as being as grave as I viewed the birth control.
Both I, and this lady who wrote you, are defining sin differently,and we are both definitely viewing sin differently than the person who orignally wrote you with the problem.
I absolutaly agree with you that we have a responsibility to speak in a way that doesn't put people on the defensive if we expect to get a message across. I think my first post admonishing her for the birth control use was just as bad as this woman admonishing her for the temper tantruming, and for that I apologize.
Now, what I am kind of bothered by is how we are defining sin. It seems to me that submission is never absolute. You would not submissively rob a bank for your husband. If my husband wanted me to rob a bank I would throw a verbal fit, and I think most people would agree that wouldn't be a sin. I personally put abortive birth control about at the same level as bank robbery though I understand that others do not, and most people see putting them on the same level as just plain ridiculous.
This, to me, is a huge issue within the christian church. It is very difficult to encourage a person not to sin when every person has such a different perspective of what sin is. There are some things we can usually agree on. If someone says they are thinking about an abortion we all rally around and say firmly, directly, but lovingly that they shouldn't do it, but just about every other issue seems to not have this unity.
Posted by: paigeu | September 5, 2006 2:34 PM
I understand where she was coming from but I see how hurtful that could be! You had some great advice and understanding from both sides. Thanks for helping us all to stop and think about what we write before it hurts someone!!
Posted by: Stacey | September 5, 2006 8:03 PM
