September 5, 2006 8:29 PM
Modesty and responsibility
Here's something that came to mind after I mentioned that girls are responsible for the message their clothing sends. It's an excerpt from my book Dirty Dancing at the Prom and Other Challenges Your Christian Teens Face - which, by the way is a useful book for anyone with kids over eight. It helps to know where you're going and to have a plan. Like Michael Reagan says, there are three kinds of people: Those that make things happen, those that watch things happen, and those that say, "What happened?"
Teach modesty
Understanding male sexuality is vital for parents of teenage girls. Again, because response to visual stimulation is wired into guys, the way girls dress can create difficulties.
Here’s how Brandon, a high school senior from California, put it:
As a Christian guy, I can say with absolute confidence that the way many girls dress today is a stumbling block for me. I understand that girls want to look their best and I don’t disagree with that, but for me as a guy I can say that looks are not the end all/be all component to a relationship that a girl might be searching for when she wears those types of clothes.
And Joshua, a college freshman from North Carolina described the dilemma posed by provocative dress in stark and simple terms:
My earthly self says yes, even while my spiritual side says ‘please stop tempting me.’
It was my four own sons, now 16 through 21, who first made me aware what a
problem it was for them to concentrate in school with girls exposing so much of their bodies. The resulting column I wrote for the Marin Independent Journal caused an uproar though, as parents of girls defended their right to dress the way they wanted and accused me of having the mentality that defended rape “because the victim was asking for it.â€
That’s not the point.
In her excellent book A Return to Modesty, Wendy Shalit, a young Jewish college student, describes women as having a natural inclination to modesty. The fact is that in the last two decades, there has been a desensitization of girls to this essential part of their nature.
Again, I draw a contrast between the 80’s, when Samantha and her friends – all in the popular crowd – wore their T-shirts over their bathing suits when guys were around. Many girls today, by contrast, revel in the opportunity to bare their bodies, challenging school dress codes (where there are such things) with bare midriffs, short skirts, and thong underwear revealed any time they sit down or bend over.
Are guys to blame for getting the wrong idea about girls dressed provocatively? I mean, when we see a policeman dressed in a uniform, we know what he stands for and what to expect. When we see Target employees in khaki pants and red shirts, we know we can ask them where to find the pots and pans.
Girls need to understand that how we present ourselves – not just in dress, but in speech and conduct – paints a picture of who we are. Women need to be careful about the message they are sending.
In discussing date rape, Shalit says,
Today our society makes fun of modesty, and then we are surprised to find our men behaving abominably. We make fun of virtue, and then are surprised that men’s ‘amorous expressions’ often go ‘farther than virtue may allow.’
Interestingly, in the uproar over dress codes, several male teachers privately thanked me for addressing what was problem for them also – men with families at home confronted all day by girls conforming to Victoria’s Secret and similar messages that their main goal in life should be to drive men to distraction.
Discussion Starters*When you see someone in a police uniform, what qualities come to mind?
*How about a fireman uniform? Laboratory coat? Construction boots? Hiking gear? Rodeo costume?
*Do we have expectations about people based on how they present themselves?
*Do our clothes send a message about who we are? About our intentions – where we’re going, what we’re doing?
*What about the way girls dress? Can that send a message, even one the girl never intended?
*How are boys and girls wired differently? If boys are more visual – as they say they are – aren’t they especially vulnerable to skimpy, tight clothing? Do girls have a responsibility not to tempt them to impure thoughts?
Teach your daughters to be responsible in this area by simply saying no. The other night, in the teen department of our local department store, I ran into a couple from church. We hadn’t been talking long when their daughter Melanie appeared at the dressing room door to show them an outfit she was trying on. I was so impressed! Not only mom, but dad also was part of her wardrobe decision making. And it was clear that they had standards they would not be persuaded to abandon.
In our home, all it took was Sophia coming down to the kitchen one morning in a pair of jeans with cutouts up the side. Her four older brothers said no – “What do you think a guy thinks when he sees that?†– loud and clear. Girls in our family wear one-piece bathing suits and do not show their midriff (or midrift, as my youngest daughter Maddy calls it). That’s where we’ve drawn the line. And once the line was drawn, with an explanation that lets them know it’s based on our love and desire to protect them, it was easy to maintain it.
Posted in Mothering, Teens and Tweens | Permalink
Comments
I have read so many of the different issues on this matter. Today I decided to post my own ideas about it. I agree with you and hope you'll stop by to check out my post!
Posted by: Stacey | September 6, 2006 2:17 AM
I found a great "checklist" on the Girl Talk blog that addresses this very issue. It's simple and yet very practical.
You can find the checklist at
www.sovgracemin.org/pdf/teaching/modesty_heart_check.pdf
Thanks for speaking the truth about such important subjects !!
Posted by: Julie | September 6, 2006 8:38 AM
My kids are too young for this but when I was a kid my parents had a method that I think would work for this. They got to know our friends; giving them rides home, going to sporting events and practices, paying attention to who we talked about and to. They invited these friends to dinner and made it a point to ask our friends opinion on these issues and would then discuss and debate with our friends. Not with us as they made clear but our friends. Later on all our friends knew exactly where our parents stood on a variety of issues and why and that they would end up having to explain to our parents if we did something they thought was wrong. In this case, inviting friends along while clothes shopping and talking about what message the clothes are sending out to others might be a good way to go.
Posted by: JaneD | September 6, 2006 10:12 AM
Amen!
Posted by: Birdie | September 6, 2006 12:35 PM
wow JaneD! That is excellent advice.
Posted by: floorplan | September 6, 2006 1:52 PM
Barbara,
Reading your most recent posts on the topic of modesty has truly made my day! Same with seeing all the comments from others who have the same sentiments! Sometimes I feel like being concerned about such "trifles" (trifles in the minds of others) is a waste of time because everybody's joining the bandwagon. But seeing you all voice out the same ideas and offer solutions sure boosts my hope in better days ahead for young girls. For that, THANK YOU =)
Posted by: Sunnyday | September 6, 2006 8:22 PM
My daughter is only 9 months old, so I have yet to deal with this issue as a parent. Thankfully, most clothing manufacturers for infants seem to understand that infants will wriggle out of anything less than modest, except for 2 piece swimsuits...
I, like very other woman, have dealt with this issue both personally and professionally. I can remember entering high school 16 years ago, self conscious because I was not allowed to wear the "stylish" clothes that many girls wore. I matured into the understanding of trying to Glorify God in all things, including how I present myself. Thankfully I also had friends who, though not necessarily Christians, all chose not to dress like sluts. There were times I felt like I was dateless because of how I dressed (or didn't).
Fast forward 7 years. I spent 4 weeks in Sinaloa, Mexico as a summer missionary. My primary job was to coordinate a VBS in a small pueblo, but I was mostly there to be salt and light. I realized how over-sexualized our culture was when I saw it through the eyes of our neighbors. A 9 year old girl wore a t-shirt with "SEXY" printed on it. I asked her if she knew what it meant. She thought it meant "pretty". I tried my best to explain to her in my broken spanish that it was so much more than that, and that she should be proud of who she is because of how God created her and her personality.
Another time, I hung out with some of the teens as they played basketball in front of the elementary school. One of the boys told me that I didn't seem American, I seemed normal. I asked him what he meant, and he said that I was not like the image of Americans he had seen in the movies. I had self-respect and respected others.
Yes, our culture is over-sexualized. You don't have to go to Mexico to realize it, but it hits a little harder when you see yourself through another's perspective.
Posted by: Lauren | September 6, 2006 8:33 PM
It's sad the way parents (myself included sometimes) have become desensitized as well. I know I have to really question myself sometimes on what my girls (6 and 7) are wearing -- Hubby and I constantly ask each other what we think as a sounding board. Until last week, I worked in an inner city Detroit daycare, and one single dad would often bring his 2yo daughter in a Hooters tank top. Hooters! My husband may be over-protective (doesn't want the girls to even play with play makeup or wear perfume), but Hooters ads on a 2yo is just beyond!
Posted by: Gem | September 7, 2006 12:42 PM
Briefly, after two exhausting days in the big city, visiting every possible store for "jeans" for my 16 year old, I can tell you who will be getting my business. (No store in that city got a cent from me) I am not in any way affiliated with this company, but I want those of you who are looking hopelessly in malls for a product those stores will not sell...to look elsewhere. This company still does sell regular jeans with zippers longer than 2 inches. I hope you will join me in buying from them. I will also be sending them emails and paper letters thanking them profusely for making modest jeans available. It takes a large bunch of families deciding NOT to buy the junk out there...just because it's there, to bring back normal clothing and assure its survival. I'm giving my business this fall to the humble and dependable LL BEAN. I suspect Land's End may also have similar, conservative styles in jeans. Hope this helps another desperate parent somewhere.
Posted by: Cynthia | September 11, 2006 1:25 PM
