September 8, 2006 9:11 AM
Responsibility, renewal and joy on the journey of motherhood
Since February 2, when I started shedding pounds and dress sizes (more here), I've been doing a lot of getting rid of excess baggage around the house, cleaning out closets and drawers. In a way, it's symbolic of the cleanup work that's been going on inside me.
I shared yesterday about my commitment to revitalize family dinners no matter how many or few are here. Last night Tripp came home at 7:30, so I held dinner until then so we could all enjoy it. In addition to setting a complete table and passing serving bowls, last night I added individual salad plates. I never saw the little kids eat so much salad! They cleaned up everything!
It was lovely taking our time. Maddy was not used to it and restless. Tripp and I looked across the candles at each other and remembered that this was how it was in the beginning when we had a string of seven kids, including the two older girls (Samantha, now 36 and Jasmine now 30 plus Josh (23), Matt (21), Ben (20), Zach (18) and Sophia (16).
Where did our carefully-constructed order start breaking down? I think it was when Jonny was born. Though Jonny had Down syndrome, we were thrilled to welcome him into our family - knowing what a wonderful opportunity we were being blessed with to learn and to love. However, Jonny had grave medical issues which kept us in and out of the hospital for 15 months - sometimes for three weeks at a time - with five serious surgeries and a case of near-fatal pneumonia. The hospital was over an hour from us - across the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. When Jonny was hospitalized, Tripp and I would alternate shifts between him and the younger kids. Through it all, I was pregnant again and Maddy was born just 54 weeks after Jonny and before his last two hospitalizations which totaled six weeks out of her first three months of life.
How did we do it? Looking back, it's hard to imagine. Samantha was already married and had her first baby in between Jonny and Maddy. Unfortunately, she was probably shortchanged in the grandmother department as I had so little to give. Jasmine was 18 at the time and still living at home and she ran everything with the help of friends from church.
Looking back I see that the toll was staggering on all of us. Yet when Jonny's health issues were resolved, we carried on and everything was okay again. I started to write. We adopted another baby with Down syndrome. Jasmine got married. We moved to Virginia and went through some financial setbacks here. Oh, and along the way we were asked to adopt two more babies with Down syndrome, bringing our total DS tribe to four. One by one, our first four sons left home - one to explore the world, one to marry, two to college.
Also along the way, Tripp and I began to slow down. I had put on 100 pounds (I shudder to think of it now) and I just wasn't able to accomplish as much as I once had. We began to understand that raising four kids with Down syndrome was not going to be a piece of cake - especially since two of them had other issues which became apparent as they grew older. There wasn't the exciting component of intelligent conversation.
We lost steam. We lost enthusiasm. We lost our joy.
And things might have remained that way for the rest of our parenthood, but God in his mercy began to nudge me out of my stupor with my diet.
As I began shedding pounds and becoming honest about the selfish places in my heart which had allowed me to get fat and stay that way, I began to turn that honesty toward other areas of my life where I was not at all being the best I could be.
I shared back then about how Tripp and I had stopped doing daily devotions – because it wasn’t as rewarding with only the two teenage girls and four boys with Down syndrome as it once was with a houseful of kids who could understand and discuss the Bible. And how we started again.
Now it’s come to the changes I’m making in my role in providing a meaningful meal for my family. See, it’s not just about dinner at all. It’s about Tripp and me revitalizing and renewing our commitment to be the best parents we can be. Yes, this second set of children is more challenging and the conversation at devotions and dinner might not be as stimulating as the conversation we cultivated when the older kids were still home (and which we still enjoy on Sundays when the family gets together), but it is our calling to be the best parents we can be regardless of circumstances. And with God’s help we will.
I can already see the change in my relationship with Sophia, which had been problematic and suddenly is supportive and real. At dinner last night we talked about these things and Sophia remembers the way dinner used to be. Maddy doesn’t. The boys are oblivious :) – but they respond to the mood and to the new spirit in our family.
One of the things that’s helped me through this is Elisabeth Elliot’s exhortation to each day take one thing you are supposed to do and start doing it, and to take one thing you’re not supposed to do and stop doing it. By taking small steps you can build or rebuild a strong parenting foundation.
Does any of this invalidate the parenting advice I dish here? I don’t think so – and I hope you understand. Yes, I’ve been able to communicate about the joy of motherhood to mothers of young children - I've lived it after all. And I wondered as I saw my then-current lack of enthusiasm for my calling if I was a hypocrite. I don’t think so – I just think that sometimes when God uses people to share about something they've done successfully, they examine their lives and see all the ways they fall short. So I continued to talk about ideals and purpose and vision because we all need those – even while letting people know that I fall short of the mark.
One of the themes I often hear from moms who write me is that they feel tremendous guilt when they realize their mothering has fallen short. Guilt is a bad word in our culture, but it is a useful emotion when we choose to respond by trying to do better. The important thing is not allow the enemy (a little Christian jargon there, but I do believe that there is a spiritual enemy who delights in our failure and fear) to win by becoming paralyzed in guilt. The key is to acknowledge where we’ve fallen short and to go forth with joy trying to do better.
That’s where I am today – going forth with joy because we have many more years to share with our six children still at home and now that God’s gotten my attention, I’m grateful for the opportunity to give them the best I have to give.
I hope this gives hope to anyone out there who is coming to grips with anything that needs a major overhaul in your life. Having been through more than one, I know I’m never going to be a finished product – just an eager pilgrim on the journey of motherhood.
If you have a minute, read Romans 12 and see if it speaks to you as it is speaking to me today. You can find all translations here (you need to bookmark Bible Gateway!). Here are the first three verses, which I love in any translation, but here I’ll use the up-to-the-minute version from The Message (in my opinion, a wonderful addition to any Christian’s Bible reading):
So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.
I'm speaking to you out of deep gratitude for all that God has given me, and especially as I have responsibilities in relation to you. Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.
Posted in Big families, Down syndrome, Family, Inspiration, Mothering | Permalink
Comments
Thanks. I *really* needed to read this encouragement today; I've been falling short in so many areas lately.
Posted by: Meredith | September 8, 2006 12:34 PM
We recently started a M&M's group (Moms and Moms) where mothers of older or grown children share with mothers of new or young children. We ask the older moms 3 questions: What did you do right? What did you do you wish you hadn't (what did you do wrong)? and How did you pass your faith on to your children? I think that Barbara is in a season of wrestling with these questions. I admit I have been enjoying reading about how she is allowing God to grow her into his image.
Posted by: JaneD | September 8, 2006 1:26 PM
This has been a good year for you!
Posted by: floorplan | September 8, 2006 3:00 PM
Another excellent and thought provoking post!
How blessed I am each time I visit!
Thank you!
Posted by: Kelley | September 8, 2006 8:57 PM
I can totally relate to this post. I also am on a weight loss journey (29 down since May 4 and 15-20 to go), and feel like it is a catalyst for change in other areas. I just finished up our first week of homeschool for this school year (this will be our 18th year of HSing)and actually enjoyed it. I am such a hands on mom, but I let the last few years of various trials change how I parented. I am happy to say that I have felt the old me coming back. It is so easy to forget about the "joy in the journey". Our life is still not easy, but God never said it would be. He only promises to be there and give me the strength to finish this race for His glory!! Thanks so much for having the courage to be real. That is why I love you so much!!
Posted by: Becky S | September 8, 2006 9:10 PM
I just love the picture at the beginning of this post! Beautiful!
Posted by: Leigh | September 9, 2006 1:47 AM
Thanks, you all! It has been a wonderful year. And through blogging developing a network of people who care has been part of it!
Posted by: barbaracurtis | September 9, 2006 7:09 AM
After I read your first post about setting a special table for dinner, I thought I'd give it a try! My husband and I have gotten into a rut of rushing through dinner on a messy table piled with projects, while we often each read a different section of the newspaper. So I made a special dinner before he got home from work and cleared off part of the table, and set the table nicely, and then put all the food on the table rather than just serving it from the stove. It was wonderful! Thanks for the idea!
Posted by: miller_schloss | September 11, 2006 3:18 PM
This was a beautiful and insightful story. Thank you for sharing your life with so many readers. I just happen to stumble upon your sight today and I am so happy that I did. May God Bless you and your family!
Posted by: TEEZAH24 | September 11, 2006 3:54 PM
