October 17, 2006 2:19 PM
Coming to terms with my mother-in-law
My mother-in-law was not happy when her oldest boy up and married an older woman with two daughters. It really wasn’t what she had planned at all. She worried about the financial responsibility he was taking on. I could hardly believe it – her son was after all, 28 years old and certainly should know what he was doing.
But I’m a forgiving person and when she threw a reception for us a few weeks later (to avoid the inevitable hassles, we had eloped to Jenner-by-the-Sea and had a sunset wedding at an inn overlooking the Pacific Ocean) I thought that meant we were off to a fresh start. She let me know in no uncertain terms that that was not the case when I asked if I could call her Mom and she said no.
I think I can say with assurance that I was the best thing that ever happened in Tripp’s life – just as he was the best thing that ever happened in mine – other than becoming Christians, which we did at the same moment four years later. By that time in addition to Samantha Sunshine and Jasmine Moondance, we’d had three boys: Joshua Gabriel, Matthew Raphael and Benjamin Michael. We’d built a successful business and bought a home in one of the most expensive counties in the nation (Marin County, where Tripp’s family had settled long before the Golden Gate Bridge was built). And things continued getting better as God continued to lead us into ways to serve we never would have dreamed of.
But no one could see where we were headed in the beginning. Tripp and I were both recovering alcoholics and loaded with the kind of baggage people have when they’ve been avoiding their problems for more years than they’ve been facing them. We’d known each other for only a year and dated for less than four months. As far as everyone was concerned, our marriage was doomed.
Looking back, I can understand my mother-in-law’s initial alarm. Who could imagine what good things God could do with the lives of two such greatly-flawed individuals?
But even when we were successful, I’m not sure she ever really rested easy. She didn't approve of our having so many children. Every time Tripp told her I was pregnant, she'd get upset. During one delivery she showed up at the hospital with a bedraggled bouquet she’d picked from her walk that evening (she was physically active and loved the outdoors). But she’d had a little too much to drink and launched into a tirade with Tripp about how we shouldn’t be having all these kids. After that, she refused to acknowledge our pregnancies in any way.
She was, however, an absolutely terrific grandmother who doted on her grandchildren and was an active part of their lives. She took them here, there, and everywhere in Marin and San Francisco and fixed a special room in her home for Spend-the-Nights with Grandma. She was the kind of grandma who played endless card games with the kids and never forgot a birthday.
Even when her relationship with Tripp and me was sometimes not so great – if she was alarmed when we got married and shocked by our reproductive capabilities, she was downright devastated when we became Christians and political conservatives - she was always eager to see the kids.
Sometimes we’d see an agenda in her visits with the grandchildren – who were treated to museum trips focused on evolution and discussions on gun control.
But the thing was that we so appreciated the relationship she had with them that we would never have done anything to discourage that. We figured that truth is strong enough to hold up under challenge – and the kids who spent the most years traveling about the Bay Area with their beloved Grandma are grown-up now and all the better for the time they had with her.
My mother-in-law – whose name was also Barbara Curtis before she remarried – died in 2002 of emphysema from years of smoking. She slipped into a coma the morning the kids and I left for Virginia (Tripp stayed on in California for a couple months to finish the sale of our home and business). We’d seen her the night before when she’d pulled herself together (she was on hospice at the time but no one knew how short it would be) to have the whole family over to say goodbye. Tripp’s biggest regret is that when he’d bundled us all up into the car that night, she asked him to sit with her and eat a piece of pie and he only had time for a couple bites instead of the whole thing. That was their last time together.
I didn’t think it mattered much to me that this woman who’d never accepted me was gone. I also have that “Out of sight, out of mind” personality (is that a character weakness, or a strength that enables me to focus on here and now?). It’s been four years, and I’ve held Sophia and Maddy many times as they’ve cried, missing this woman who didn’t love me particularly but was extraordinarily devoted to the people I loved.
Lately I’ve been wishing I could see her one more time. I’ve been very aware of how disturbed she must have been as I put on so much weight – standing out in all the family pictures like a sore thumb, never as active with the family as I could have been. I wish she could see me now that I’ve slimmed down. I know it would make her happy. After all, she just wanted the best for her son.
As you get older, it is truly humbling to see all the mistakes you made. But one thing I am grateful for – and it didn’t come from my character, I’m sure, but from God in his mercy nudging me in the right direction – I never made my mother-in-law’s relationship with my children contingent on her feelings for me or my feelings for her.
Their lives are the richer for that relationship. Kids need all the love they can get. Don't we all?
Comments
Barbara, such good thoughts about Mother in Law relations with kids and mothers. Thanks for putting your thoughts down for my benefit.
Posted by: imajackson | October 17, 2006 2:55 PM
This is a wonderful post Barbara. I think that many of us notice things like this after time has passed and those we have come to know pass on. It is really interesting to know more about your background--comforting because sometimes when we see people in the spotlight we don't always think of them as ordinary people. By that I mean people who have faults and weaknesses just like everyone else. As the saying goes: You have come a long way baby! I am sure Tripp's mother would be happy to see what you have accomplished.
Posted by: Rebecca P. | October 17, 2006 9:56 PM
Ah Barbara. That was beautiful. I think you really put things into context for us...how to make difficult relationships work for the sake of the kids. I think children DO need that continuity and belonging that comes from their grandparents, even if we don't or can't agree on every part of that relationship. I know sometimes my parents can be very difficult to "get along" with...and yet...the investment in that relationship is still very important.
Posted by: Holly | October 18, 2006 1:51 PM
