October 30, 2006 8:53 AM
My interview posted today at LargerFamilies.com
Carmen - who blogs at Mom to the Screaming Masses - has posted an interview with me at Larger Families.com which some of you may want to read.
For those of you visiting here for the first time after reading the interview, welcome! If you don't have time to look around right now, you may want to bookmark MommyLife and come back for more. More than a personal journal, this blog is also a resource for finding more joy on the journey of motherhood, even as you learn to help your children find more joy in theirs.
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For my regular readers, here are two questions from the interview I thought you might like:
Carmen: There's been a backlash recently on an email group for moms of larger families, saying that the desire for "me" time is unneeded. The prevailing thought is that a mom should find fulfillment in her family and not look for down time. What is your feeling on this? Are you able, at all, to have time alone? What, exactly, do you do to have time to yourself?Me: My take is that we live in a country where self-indulgence – Have It Your Way! – is not only a way of life, but a way of selling us everything under the sun. When I look through National Geographics or other magazines of a more global nature, I see mothers working very hard, sacrificing themselves for the good of their families. That attitude resonates with me, and is one of the gifts I’ve received from being a megamommy.
Remember, I started out like everyone else – with one kid, then two. I didn’t become a mother of three until 14 years into my mothering. So I know the difference a big family makes. Writing is my time to myself. And I make it a policy to allow my children to interrupt me.
For me – and I’m saying this is for me, for where I am in my life right now – being a mother is all about self-sacrifice and releasing others to become the best they can be. This is my choice – and it’s only good if you choose it. The blessing that has followed for me – which you may see from the unexpected gift of writing in my life – which didn’t start until I was 47 – is that God has released the potential in me. I have something to give and a means of giving it!
Carmen: You wrote: ...when I had seven kids under 10. Life then was much more simple - and I had so much more control - though I didn't realize it, of course. As a mom of 6 under 14, I think my life is incredibly full and out of control. Are you telling me it will get worse? Or better?
Me: In some ways worse, in some ways better – it all depends on our responses :) Kids grow up and make their own choices. Sometimes they're not even necessarily bad choices but just something you think they could have done better. There’s a lot of growing up we have to do to let go then. All the time and energy we invested – all our hopes and dreams – and yet the bottom line is that those don’t entitle us to a single thing. We raise them because it’s our calling, but it’s completely up to them what they do with it.
Thanks, Carmen, for your interest in my thoughts and taking the time to ask the right questions!
Posted in Mothering | Permalink
Comments
I just wanted to comment on the idea of "me time":
Back when our crew was little, with babies coming every two to two and a half years, we were very much committed to mother-baby togetherness. (We still are --- we just are no longer actively living out that commitment in our own lives.) We simply didn't buy into the advice we constantly got about how important it was for us to dump our brood with a babysitter once a week and go out to dinner, or foist them off on babysitters several times a year so we could scurry away on mini-vacations and pretend we didn't have children.
Both sets of our parents managed to have happy marriages for 50 years (my parents are still going strong, while my father-in-law died of cancer shortly after celebrating his very romantic 50th) and they achieved marital bliss without a weekly date night or vacations without children.
Having said all that, if there is one thing I wish I'd done differently, it's taking some more "me time", rather than getting to the point that extreme burnout and frustration would, every couple years, drive me to begging my husband to let me spend a day browsing used bookstores, lingering at coffeeshops, only myself and the current baby in tow. I've discovered that I am a person who has a need for privacy and for regrouping time. I wish I had taken that time a bit more frequently --- I always returned from these jaunts tremendously refreshed and ready to give even more of myself to my family.
I also wish I'd spend more time and effort cultivating friendships, rather than expecting my husband to try to fill a role that no man really wants to fill.
Yes, too many women have a "you deserve a break today" mentality, and it troubles me when I see mothers of many resistant to committing themselves to a lifestyle of dedicated motherhood. But, at the same time, I don't think it is entirely selfish to ask my husband to watch his own children, so that I can have a relaxing bath without baby and toddler...or asking to sleep in late just one Saturday, after being up most of the night with sick little ones...or asking to be able to do the grocery shopping without all six of the stairstep brigade...or even asking for a day, once in a while, to spend doing those things I enjoy, but my children don't...if I had to do it over again, I would ask.
Posted by: Rebecca | October 30, 2006 10:57 AM
That is a GREAT interview, Barbara. Thank you Carmen! Barbara, you are always such a great encouragement to me...you always give me that knowledge that "yes, people can raise large amounts of children" and be happy while doing so. :)
On "me time." It really is one of my pet peeves. Now, as Rebecca defined it above, I don't see that as "me time." That is called sharing the load with a husband who loves his children too. It is called wise stewardship of mommy. :) I am blessed with a husband who helps out in all of these ways that Rebecca speaks about...and that makes our parenting journey sweet. But I also never demand it. I just don't insist on "me time." I think that we humans tend to find "me time" anyway...I mean, I DO take showers and fix my hair most days. I even get to shave my legs (once a week or so.) I find time to eat chocolate. (And that, my friends, is JUST FOR ME! I'm not sharing!) I read books, I blog, I sew...all sparingly, but I still do it. God gives the rest, the respite, the strength. And he gave a wonderful husband to partner with.
What bothers me so much is not a mom finding respite. It is all of the christian parenting magazines (including MOPs MomSense) and Christian Parenting and others...that simply feed right into our selfish desires and tendencies by saying "Oh, you MUST have ME TIME!" I cringe when people even SAY "ME TIME." You have to wonder how women did it all of the centuries before us? How did they do without the mall or "me time?" Maybe, just maybe, when they found themselves at the end of their ropes, they threw themselves into God's arms and allowed him to sustain them and carry them.
Barbara writes in "Lord, Please meet me in the laundry room" and shares how her laundry room became her prayer chamber...her time of renewal." We can be renewed in so many ways that don't involve getting out or being away!
(Not that there is anything wrong with mama getting out or away...but the demanding of it is what seems wrong.)
Posted by: Holly | October 30, 2006 3:54 PM
Oh thank you thank you for saying you have a cleaning service Barbara!!!!!!!
I'm a writer too, and I earn good money. I fit it in after bedtime for the kids and in the early morning. I love it! I use some of the money to pay for the same--an every other week cleaning service.
I've always felt a little bad about this. I felt like many of the mommy bloggers with many kids would find this somehow to be a "bad example" to kids. I don't think it is, myself.
So thanks for sharing that!
I also wanted to comment on me-time.
I think maybe it's harder for introverts to deal without me-time than it is for extroverts. I just don't want to add guilt to dedicated moms like Rebecca who take a little time now and again. I'm a slight introvert, with an EXTREME extrovert, active (hyper), boy-to-the-max 3 year old, and a baby girl, and more to come I'm sure (I hope!). After a day with my son, I'm just worn out. I love him so much it hurts, BUT by 5 pm, I can't stand the constant talking, the constant need to be right on top of me, the constant need to editorialize his whole life, every thought, out loud, at the top of his lungs. :) It's just my nature. My very extroverted mother in law, on the other hand, chats with him all day and wishes for more when he goes to bed.
What do you think of this, Barbara? I honestly feel (as an introvert) that I need a little me-time. Do you think this is just a product of our culture? It's hard to be objective about oneself.
Posted by: Jill (colicmommy) | October 30, 2006 5:23 PM
Rebecca, that reminds me of something. My husband and I are with the same mindset. We are thrilled to spend time as a family and doing things together than doing things apart (although he has mentioned a date night every month or so would be nice). Anyway, his parents have the boys sleep over once a year. Last year we asked if they could do it when my cousin was getting married so we could go and enjoy without trying to amuse 3 boys 7, 6 and 3. When my extended family realized we were without the children they couldn't believe it. It is amazing that the same people who leave their children in daycare and many nights with the grandparents for time alone had a problem. I did not take it personally. In fact, I just told it like it was. Jeff and I were fine with it and the boys were having a ball jumping in leaves instead of wearing fancy pants and ties. Maybe they were jealous? Either way, we wouldn't change a thing. Funny how everyone is different.
Posted by: Janet | October 30, 2006 8:06 PM
Maybe it's just me, but I've never had much of a conflict between time to do what I need and the kids needing me. It just seems to work out naturally -- the kids want to all go play outside, no reason not to sit and read a book. If I need to take a shower, I can't see a reason to neglect that. I wouldn't ask the kids to give up their shower to spend time with me! And as far as getting a sitter, once the kids are asleep they don't need my attention. They certainly don't expect me to sit at their bedside all night and watch them sleep -- why shouldn't dh and I go out? Finally, I see spending nights at grandparents as being just as important as spending nights at home. DH and I are not the only members of our family who love these children with all our hearts, as evidenced by the most adorable video of the older two doing Bible study that I just received from their grandma and great-grandma. I would never deprive them of that.
On the flip side, I spend all day every day with my kids. I enjoy them, and I'm available at any moment. I never see the time I spend without them as "getting away from the kids," it's just the natural balance of life for me.
Posted by: Michelle | October 30, 2006 9:59 PM
No...I'm an extreme introvert. :) It can't be that. :)
Put the kids to bed at 7:30 or 8:00 p.m. It's not called "me time" when they sleep. :) It's just called...they are sleeping and mommy has things she has to get done in order for the house to keep running well! :)
Posted by: Holly | October 30, 2006 10:38 PM
Regrettably, I have to agree with the poster who stated that a lot of Christian magazines go OVERBOARD in telling us to get time for ourselves..... I was so confused by this message when I was a brand new first time mom who just wanted to stay home for awhile and nurse my baby......... I honestly wondered what was wrong with me...........I LOVE MOPs international, but their magazine, MOMSENSE sends this message all the time. It has bothered me for quite some time now.........
Posted by: Lisa | October 31, 2006 6:26 PM
Holly,
You're right! Actually my son goes to bed at 6:30 and the baby at 7:00. That is how I do my writing. And some housework too.
I guess what's really confusing me is that we all seem to be defining me time differently here in the comments. Is going out with dh on Sat. night AFTER the kids are in bed by leaving a sitter in the house to make sure nothing happens called me time, or not? Well, dh actually insisted that we do it after the baby was old enough! His idea, but I love it. We do it 2 times a month.
Is going out on Mom's night dinner once a month, leaving the kids with dh, me-time? Should I be okay with asking for that? Dh doesn't mind, but how would he know I wanted it unless I asked?
Is asking dh to play with the kids on Sat. afternoon sometimes so I can get my hair cut, or go shopping, or even just buy groceries alone (!!) asking for too much me-time?
Is going on a week-long trip "between babies" while the grandparents (volunteer and push us) to watch the kids called me-time? Is it bad to do that? Another dh idea. We did it between 1 and 2, and God-willing, we're going on one before we get pregnant with 3.
See, I'm confused. Some people think all of those things are me-time, and are something a "good", "fulfilled" Christian women should not want or need. Is it only bad if I demand them? What if I ask nicely for them? What if I graciously accept if I cannot do them sometimes? Or should I never even ask, but rather wait for dh to insist I do something for myself/for us as a couple?
My head is spinning!! I guess I feel no qualms about the me-time I have. But when I read posts like this, I wonder if I'm being "fulfilled" enough at home.... There's the Catholic guilt kicking in, right??
:)
Posted by: Jill (colicmommy) | November 1, 2006 8:02 AM
Jill...of course you realize that this is only my opinion. :) (I've got seven kids and am a pastor's wife...just for the credentials.) :)
None of the things you mentioned are wrong. In the case of the trip, you have loving grandparents who are asking to give you and your husband this gift. AS for Dh watching the children...they are his children. They need his interaction. I'm sure he loves to give it!
IF you were to demand these things, kicking and screaming about your "rights," feeling glum and put upon because you didn't get them...that would be wrong. I feel these things aren't "entitlements," but if you get them, they are gifts to delight and be refreshed in. (I think our world tells us they are "rights.") There may be, quite frankly, a time in your life or any mom's life when she doesn't get ANY extra time. A husband may be in school, or extra busy at work, a child might have an extended illness. (And with many children, illnesses can seem to go on forever.) Any number of things may occur where you are called to give up your freedoms for those who depend upon you. I think in that circumstance, it is our duty to accept this willingly, and while we may find it difficult to be joyful we should embrace it as a time of growth, of dying to self and learning to serve. You WILL mature in Christ during those times if you let your heart be soft and content.
I don't think those times last forever, but they do come! :)
You asked, is it wrong to ask? I don't think so...I personally like to shop once in awhile without taking littles with me...but I think you've found the key when you say that you accept that with a gracious spirit. (And then ask if someone can find a time in the near future to help so that you can get a breath of fresh air. Sometimes I have found that my husband is willing to help more if I don't spring it on him...kind of put it on the planner sort of thing.) :)
Okay. My ME TIME is done. Need to fix lunch. :)
Posted by: Holly | November 1, 2006 12:10 PM
I guess I am a pro-me time mom. I ask my husband to let me go shopping by myself and occasionally to church functions by myself. I like to craft and so sometimes when my husband takes the kids out for a saturday I will stay home and craft and consider that really good for my sense of well-being because being creative helps me feel like a real person, and not just the roles I fill (mom, wife, etc).
Eventually when my dh is deployed I will be hiring a babysitter for 8hrs a week (2 4hr days). Most of those 8hrs will be taken up for chores like grocery shopping and drs appointments, but I do hope to have 1 or 2 available just to hang out in a craft or book store or even take a nap.
I think me-time should be in moderation (I always raise an eyebrow at people who insist they need several days to themself when I think most people can recuperate in just a few hours), but I definitely feel it is beneficial if not necessary, at least for some mothers. Depending on your children's ages, mothering doesn't necessarily use all your skills and abilities, and therefore if you have no time at all to use your gifts and talents then some people (me, at least) will feel like something important is missing from their life.
I also want to add that I am one of those people who thinks that a monthly date night is very important. Dh and I did not go on a date for an entire year, and finally when we did a lot of what seemed to be missing in our marriage came together. Dh and I have 3 preschoolers that require an enormous amount of mental alertness and so when we go out alone just the two of us it is like we become "just" a wife or a husband again and it really REALLY works to help re-establish those warm fuzzy feelings that come from being treated like someones beloved. It is definitely worth the babysitter fee.
Posted by: paigeu | November 1, 2006 4:32 PM
Lisa, I so relate to what you wrote. I remember when our first baby was born, how I asked my husband, "How can you stand to go to work and be away from the baby all day long?" I missed the baby when he was napping in the other room, and I had no desire to leave the house without him. People told me that feeling would pass when I had my next baby, but...I felt the same, if not more so, with all the rest of them, including our youngest, aka "Mr. Fussbudget", who sometimes drove me to distraction.
As for "me time", I guess my overriding concern has been my own attitude (am I whining, "I deserve a break today") or what impact my "me time" will have on the rest of the family. Am I being selfish? Am I abandoning my responsibilities? Am I burdening someone else? Am I leaving a child who shouldn't be left at that time? Am I causing resentment?
Yup, all those magazine articles drove me nuts also. I was much more like a mom I knew, who was told she needed to get away from her newborn, so she reluctantly went grocery shopping alone, only to burst into tears at the checkout stand, vowing never to leave her tiny little one again!
Posted by: Rebecca | November 1, 2006 6:45 PM
Oh man...Barbara...just one more comment, and then I promise to step away from the blog! :) (lol and a BIG smile!) :)
Please, those who are reading this...take this with a spirit of love and concern and not attack. You don't have to agree with me, at all. I'm just one woman saying what she thinks...but I care for each one of you in Christian love.
This life is not about "ME!" The very usage of the words "me time" simply shout of "spoiled American woman!" It is not wrong to invest time in our husband, or in our education, or in spiritual study, or in our physical bodies...but those are not me time! Your husband and spending time with him is a worthy investment. Sharpening your brain, increasing your talents...these are worthy of our time....but most likely we do those things so they can be poured back into the people that we love. A Mama who studies God's word will be a better mama for her children. A woman who takes care of her body will have more energy, more time to give to her children. But these are investments...so we should stop calling it ME TIME!
All we have, even our very breath, is a gift from God. Our minds need to be off of "me and my wants and needs," and more on, "how can I serve Him better, how can I love them better? I truly wish that ministries that focus on women would drop the emphasis on "Me." I think that most Americans (of which I am proudly one)don't need to be told to think about "Me." I think we do it naturally.
(okay, okay...I'm going now! It's a pet peeve.) :)
Posted by: Holly | November 1, 2006 7:02 PM
Rebecca wrote:
Yup, all those magazine articles drove me nuts also. I was much more like a mom I knew, who was told she needed to get away from her newborn, so she reluctantly went grocery shopping alone, only to burst into tears at the checkout stand, vowing never to leave her tiny little one again!
I did practically the same exact thing!!! Then after the birth of my 2nd, I decided I was going to do things MY way, and leave him only if I WANTED to..........
Lisa
Posted by: Lisa | November 2, 2006 4:06 PM
