Mommy Life

October 16, 2006 9:01 AM

Prayer and encouragement needed for single mom

Also from my inbox over the weekend - someone who needs practical advice and a lot of prayer:

I have been a newborn Christian ...for 15 years. In other words, I've made no progress. All I have is this tiny little flicker of faith which, maybe a few times, has been "candleflame size," but has often been nearly blown out in the "wind" of the world. It just seems like "y'all must be fakin' it"...do you really feel that relationship with Christ? I feel horrible because the best I've been able to give my children is PSR (we're Catholic), a rushed grace before dinner, and a few Bible stories, saints stories, Veggie Tales, and Bibleman DVDs. Last spring it felt like Jesus was no more real than the Easter Bunny...and we stopped going to church.(rules without relationship brings no joy; only resentment) However, ironically, the one thing that keeps me from fully rejecting Christianity is Satan: I really do believe in personified evil; so if that is real, certainly God is real. I'm exhausted: I'm a divorced mom with five children and I'm just tired of having this same internal conversation all the time...I either want an actual,, progressing relationship with Jesus (and the transformation that goes with that) or I want to be "let go." I don't date, drink, smoke, watch pornography, or anything seriously wicked...but I know I can't possibly be in a good place because I have NOT ONE of the fruits of the Spirit found in Galatians.

My reply:

I hear your cry. I just want to tell you, it can only get better. honestly.

I was a single mother for 5 years - though with only 2 daughters and also not on a serious spiritual journey so not realizing the emptiness in my heart.

First, may I have permission to post your email (with or without your name) on my site so that people will start praying for you?

Second, I strongly recommend that you look outside Catholicism for a church that will feed you spiritually and help you set down the roots you need. I was baptized Catholic as a baby but not brought up in the faith, went to a Catholic high school where I was interested in the mumbo jumbo aspects of it - the rosary, Latin mass, etc - got married in a church, etc. Yet when I tell the story of my faith, I always said I had no Christianity in my background. And I'm telling the truth because in all the time I was involved with the Catholic church, I never learned who Jesus was or that I had the opportunity of having a personal relationship with him.

That is not to say that Catholics cannot be Christians - in the sense of having a real, living, breathing relationship with God. I know plenty of Catholics who do. And now that I am a Christian, I have much reverence for the teachings - especially the prolife teachings - of the church.

But most of the Catholics I've met in my life (outside the Internet) don't have a clue about what it means to have a personal relationship. I hope you know I am not trying to be offensive here - just trying to throw a lifeline to someone who it sounds is perishing spiritually.

Do you know anyone who seems to have a vibrant, authentic relationship with the Lord - someone who you don't think is faking it? Could you ask that person to help you find a church that would be supportive of you as a single mother? Single mothers are often the low man (so to speak) on the totem pole in churches, so I will be praying that somehow you are led to one where people will genuinely care and reach out to help you. Being a single mother - especially with five kids - is not an easy life.

Ten or five years can make an enormous difference in a life, though, and if you determine to surrender your life completely to God and follow his direction - no matter what others say - I can guarantee you that this could be the low point which you will look back on in amazement in five or ten years. I will be praying without ceasing for you. I hope you will let me know what you decide and what happens.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We have exchanged a couple more emails. This mom has five children 4-14, and her husband left when she was pregnant with the last. She is receiving little financial help and is living on credit. Her former husband tells her to "Get a Job" but I'm wondering how you can make money at a job if you are a single mom with five kids to support?

I hope you all will join me in praying for this mom - in every aspect of her need - and to orrfer support, encouragement or advice here. If anyone has been or is in a similar situation and I can give her your email address, let me know.

In the meantime, if there is a single mom in your church, please remember to reach out and help her in any way you can. Include her family when you have social events

Here are two suggestions from my last book, Reaching the Left from the Right:

Fatherlessness is a reality of our culture. Yet single mothers and their children are usually overlooked and neglected – even within their own church families. The mothers need help and encouragement. The children need to spend time with intact families so they grow up with a vision to work toward – coming from a fatherless home myself, I know.

Organize practical help for single mothers and fatherless children (one church I know sponsors babysitting, another free car care clinics). In most churches, single mothers are at the bottom of the social hierarchy because they have little to offer, yet their needs are great. In the spirit of 1Corinthians 12:22, ask God how you may better serve them.

James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Families who have been abandoned by their husband and father are our modern-day widows and orphans. I know God is pleased when we reach out to them. And I know whatever good has come in my life is because of the vision planted in me as a fatherless child of what a family could be.

Love,

Posted in Mothering | Permalink

Comments

I can so relate to the spiritual void! I'm a "newborn" Christian about 12 years old. (Doesn't it say something, that I can't even remember how long it's been?)

You can give her my email addy if she wants to get in touch. I know it's a lot of the blind leading the blind, but at least she'd not be alone in feeling like she's the only one who just goes through the motions and wonders why there's no feeling of connection.

Posted by: Christina | October 16, 2006 10:19 AM

I am so sorry to hear about your past experience. I too had a similar experience as a young mother. I was a Catholic, married to a non Christian, and had had very little formation in my Faith. I know what it is to wonder what it all means. I know how hard it is to trust God when things just keep going from bad to worse! That Spark is still there though. Christ is there and He IS carrying you.
After my husband and I separated, I began to homeschool my girls in the Catholic Faith. I was finally able to pray out loud without being made fun of, and I was finally able to discover the rich heritage that is The Catholic Faith. The reason most people are under the impression that it is "Mumbo Jumbo" is because of Human failings within their experience. I am so sorry that so many people have been led from the fold, the Church is full of human beings and none of them are perfect. The one thing that drew me and held me close was the Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist. Whenever I would have a decision to make regarding which way I should go, this was my anchor. I couldn't leave HIM. I strongly encourage this woman to go to the Church. Maybe she needs to find a parish that can feed her better. Christ loves her so much and He IS there in the Tabernacle. Go TO HIM. Just go into a church, sit before the Blessed Sacrament and BE there. Tell Him how you feel, don't ask for answers, just be quiet in His presence. You may not even believe it, but He will help your unbelief.
There are many Holy priests out there. I know they are getting a lot of bad press. If anyone is interested they are there waiting to help. Find a priest that you feel you can talk to. Barbara, thank you for your generosity towards the Catholic Faith. Many times this is uncommon in former Catholics. I pray for unity in Christ, as this is His prayer to His Father. God Bless.

Posted by: Jennifer | October 16, 2006 10:34 AM

(Visiting through KingOfFools site) Such a lovely blog! I adore the color combinations. So cheerful.

I understand your point about churches often not reaching out to single mothers. Which is scandalous!

However, I've noticed an even lower man on the totem pole. The single father. In the last year, I come to the startling realization that I know (at least casually) FIVE families where the wife and mother just ... left. The fathers had to pick up the slack in the same way that single mothers do, but with almost no support at all.

Perhaps its worse for them because in our society males generally don't share the same skill set as females about children. For example, what are the odds a single father could ask one of his male co-workers for advice on teething or diaper-rash? Or sleep-over menu's? Or how to french-braid hair?

I suspect that ANY single care-giver is in a precarious position in a church. Especialy if they can't attend regularly and offer their resources of time and money.

Posted by: Lucy | October 16, 2006 1:45 PM

Thank you for inviting us to pray for this dear sister, Barbara! And for the privilege of sharing even a few "practical" ideas too.

In addition to praying, I had a few thoughts that I hope might encourage her:

1. That she even CARES about the state of her soul and has such heart-breaking concerns over her lack of growth in sanctification is one of the TRUEST and SWEETEST evidences to me that she is actually regenerate.

Unbelievers just don't care--they are in the "downstream" of a fallen world, just floating along with the current. But for those who are reborn by the Spirit? We (so often) struggle and fail and are wretched in our unbelief and sin ... BUT, we feel the weight of the current. To paraphrase Plantinga, we know that "things are NOT the way they are supposed to be."

And this is a sweet evidence of grace in this sweet woman's heart and life. O, that she would be comforted by the Saving, Redeeming, Compassionate God!

2. In addition to your advice (and the other comments too), I would encourage her to check out the new book (just out this summer) entitled, "How People Change" by Timothy Lane and Paul Tripp. I am just reading it now and it is SUCH a wonderful, edifying, HELPFUL book.

Maybe she could read through it WITH someone? Or even in an email relationship like Christina so graciously offered?

3. I do hope that she will find a gospel-infused church that also has a strong commitment to diaconal care ... ESPECIALLY like you described in your books for single parents. You are SO right that we are ALL called to be laying out our lives to help our brothers and sisters in Christ who are raising children--especially the single parents in our churches.

Thanks again for your ministry, Barbara! You are very appreciated.

With love from your sister in Christ,
Tara Barthel

Posted by: Tara Barthel | October 16, 2006 2:35 PM

Barbara, if the writer is willing, perhaps you could publish the county and state where she lives. Then one of us readers who lives in her area could connect with her to support and help her. I'd be willing if she lives in the East Bay. (CA)

Posted by: Marie | October 16, 2006 2:58 PM

My heart ached when I was read your question. I was sent a link to the site from a friend who encouraged me to encourage you. Despite all that I see from this site as good, the advice to leave the Catholic Church is not. Your struggles are not due to your Catholicism but rather due to our common human nature that struggles at all times to find Christ in the midst of the noise and sin of a fallen world. Your struggle is being made more acute due to the pain of your situation. Satan is surely sending you some awful stuff right now.

While never a single mom, I could certainly have written your e-mail at a variety of times in my own life. Where was God? Didn't He realize my pain? He did and He was reaching out but I couldn't hear Him due to the pain of the circumstances or was expecting a different response than I received. I was in the cave expecting the earthquake when He was in the whisper.

You speak specifically about the fruits of the Holy Spirit, which you say you lack, but I submit you have them. It is your very difficult situation that has made you doubt their presence. You are raising children alone whom you surely generously love (two fruits) and with whom you are patient, kind and gentle (three more). Of course, you don't display these perfectly as none of us does, but if you are still feeding them, cleaning up for them and helping them as they struggle in their own pain you are displaying an orchard of fruits.

I encourage you, rather than abandon your Mother the Church, seek all she has for you. My husband and I took advantage of the counseling offered by our diocese at no cost to help our once struggling marriage. Contact your diocese for counseling for yourself and your children. Follow the advice of Christina and seek Christ in the Eucharist and tell Him of all your pain. He doesn't want you to leave Him or the Church.

I wish so desperately I knew where you lived because I would travel to be with you, to assure you of the many, many Catholics who have a deep love for Christ. I'm sorry Barbara hasn't met us but I imagine we run in different circles.

I blog for a different site, www.exceptionalmarriages.com and would welcome a chance to talk to you there. Be assured of my daily prayers.

Posted by: Rachel W. | October 17, 2006 3:41 PM

Barbara, I usually read your blog and quite enjoy it. But this was really not one of your best.

Look at what this mom is doing. Veggie tales is great for the kids, but if that is all she is doing for her own spiritual life, no wonder she's not feeling a relationship with Jesus Christ! Why didn't you advise her to read the bible more? Why didn't you advise her to go and speak with her priest? (I'll bet you would have advised a Protestant sister to seek the advice of her pastor!)

Growing in faith is a lot like losing weight- you get out of it what you put into it! I submit if you didn't feel it as a Catholic, it's because you weren't putting yourself out there. A prayerful rosary is more than just mumbo jumbo- it's a scripture based form or ancient prayer that concentrates on the life of Christ! The mass is steeped in Scripture from the Old Testament, through the Psalms, the Epistles, the Gospel right through Revelation! If you want to "feel it" I'm not sure how you could closer to God than that!

Father Tucker wrote an article on his blog a while ago about how to become more spiritual.

Lastly, I find it fascinating that you didn't advise her to pray more, or read the bible more - two things a mom could easily try to fit more of into her day, but instead went right for - Leave the Catholic Church!

I find that very disappointing.

Posted by: Elena | October 19, 2006 8:11 AM

I was very disappointed to see that you immediately steered this mother away from the Catholic Church, rather than advising her to look more deeply into the great treasures she can find there.

I think Rachel W's reply here is wonderful.

Remember, faith isn't all about "what you feel." This young woman is seeking something--and I submit that she might be seeking in the wrong place, but not the wrong Church. I think she (like many, many others) is looking for what she can "get out of it" rather than what she can "put into it." If she wants to be spiritually fulfilled, she has to place herself in a situation where that can happen. She has to SHOW UP. She has to take the prayer time, minister to others, worship in community. She needs to feed herself spiritually. I recommend that her first move be to contact a sympathetic priest who can offer her some support and real spiritual direction.

With my prayers.

Posted by: Barb Szyszkiewicz, sfo | October 19, 2006 11:21 AM

The most important quote is this one: "I'm just tired of having this same internal conversation all the time." You'd benefit from an external conversation with a good priest, deacon, or an ongoing conversation with a layman that knows what he/she's talking about. That will help you work through this situation - you'll see that this is not an uncommon feeling at all. Millions have walked this road before you. There are plenty of people to help you through this on a spritual basis, but you may have to go looking for them.

The presence of the Spirit is there, based upon the things contained in the letter. The relationship with Christ will come, but it may take time and nurturing. You're suffering. That also is common in this vale of tears, but that same suffering can be a great source of Grace. Unite your suffering to that of Christ on the Cross - bear it with what grace you're able - and you might find the relationship grows of its own.

What the reader is going through is VERY common. It's been called "The Dark Night of the Soul" by St. John of the Cross. Don't give in to despair! When you're in the Dark Night you feel as if your connection to God has withered or dried up, you're pressed from all sides in this life, and you feel overwhelmed. I know. I've been there too. It is at this point that prayer is your most vital tool. The connection is there, God is still in your life, but you are being challenged not to give in. It's vitally important not to give up and leave the Church at a moment like this. Survive the Dark Night and you may well have more Grace in your life than you could ever imagine.

As to teaching your kids, the Baltimore Catechism is still available. They're cheap (about $8, I think) and can be used by families in general conversation on Sunday evenings.

If you're in the Dallas area let me know and I'll be happy to try to help myself.

Posted by: Mark Windsor | October 19, 2006 12:24 PM

I'd recommend she find 15-30 minutes a day and TALK to God, even if she's not sure He exists. God doesn't check church membership to decide whether to have a personal relationship with someone, and the warm feelings arrived at via fellowship can be, ironically, a substitute for God. Ultimately there is nothing more important than personal, heartfelt prayer. Much of what passes for "personal relationship with God" is false, since the God some claim to have a personal relationship with is scripturally unrecognizable (i.e. health & wealth preachers).

Posted by: TSO | October 19, 2006 12:49 PM

I really appreciate all of these comments. I am sorry that my answer was superficial and completely inadequate to address all the needs of this mom. I receive so many emails it is difficult to do them all justice, which is specifically why I post them here - with permission - to round out the response and give God more opportunities to speak through others to a person in need.

I am sorry for not understanding the intensity of the relationship Catholics feel for their church. As to the commenter who said perhaps I didn't put enough into the experience myself, I was coming from a broken, alcoholic, nonreligious home. Would it be expecting too much that if any of the Catholics with whom I came in contact as a young teenager knew my circumstances they might have made more of an effort to reach out to me?

I have exchanged a dozen or so further emails with the mom - much more than I usually have time for - and put her in touch with Catholics who can nurture her in her faith.

As someone who came to surrender my life to Christ outside any church, I experienced a month-long honeymoon with God taking charge of my life without any outside interference. God guided me to new perspectives. Because of this experience, I view my relationship with God as the most important thing. Where or how I worship is secondary.

I am not a Catholic basher - in fact I defend the Catholic Church to my protestant friends. First of all because they are the only truly uncompromised pro-life church - as far as I'm concerned, people who use birth control are anti-abortion rather than pro-life. I also have probably attended at least 20 different churches and have seen some pretty bizarre practices and Christians who have a "works mentality" which they are quick to condemn Catholics for. The Protestant church definitely has its share of pew-dwellers without the vibrant relationship God planned for us. And the Protestant Church by and large does not seem to "get" the idea of personal sacrifice as vividly as the Catholic church.

Now that I've probably managed to step on everyone's toes :) - - - -

Just remember, I don't consider myself the final authority, which is why I post some things here for your help.

In this case, your help was much needed and I appreciate it. (There is one comment I am not printing because I found it too antagonistic - what I call a drive-by commenter, someone who has no interest at all in what is going on here, but just wants to punish me for saying something he didn't like.)

Posted by: barbara | October 19, 2006 2:01 PM

I have exchanged a dozen or so further emails with the mom - much more than I usually have time for - and put her in touch with Catholics who can nurture her in her faith.

Thank you for posting my comment and for your response Barbara. I am glad you were able to find Catholics who could help her. I would be happy to correspond with her or offer other assistance. I am in Ohio.

The Catholic Church is made up of regular people- and we are all sinners trying to grow in holiness and become saints. We fail many times, but we keep trying and we pass the faith on to our children with our prayes, hoping that they will grow in holiness too. I am sorry the Catholics you knew as a young woman let you down. There is a lesson there for all of us.

Please don't let that make you bitter or angry towards all Catholics. It's a sad thing to bear the responsibilities for the sins of another, although I suppose that really is biblical - starting with Adam and Eve!

Perhaps you could send along that link to Father Tuckers. I have that one bookmarked I found it so helpful!

I will remember her at mass this seekend.

Thanks Barb,

In friendship,

Elena

Posted by: Elena | October 19, 2006 2:30 PM

Oh, Elena - I am not bitter or angry - but that has something to do with my observation that there was something missing in their faith. Because my faith calls for me to reach out to those in need - not just the ones far away, but the ones nearby.

Maybe I didn't say I went to Catholic high school for three years? I just wonder why I learned so much about church history and so little about Jesus. That was back in the 60's. Maybe things have changed.

I sent your email address to the mom :)

Posted by: barbara | October 19, 2006 3:11 PM

Barbara, it is so good that we can come together here! I think this has been a very good post for ALL
of us to keep in mind. I want to go forward being much more sensitive to those in my daily life that may be in need of a loving response and are unable to feel the touch of Christ because of the pain in their lives. I do understand the road that you have been down in your Catholic journey. I felt the same way as a young mother on the West Coast. I personally feel my experience was colored more by the geography than what The Church was teaching. I think the "Left Coast" influence was pretty heavy out there at that time. For you it was the sixties and for me it was the seventies. Yes, The Catholic Church has had its problems, the American Catholic experience has had it's share of the destructive elements of materialism and liberalism. But what institution that has 2000+ years behind it doesn't go through the pain and suffering that is life? There is a dynamic revitalization that is occurring within Her now that was sparked by the life and wisdom of a humble Polish priest who became John Paul II. If anyone who has your perception of The Church were to explore the Faith with new eyes and an open heart, the lay movements, the opportunities for Christian formation, The Gospel reflections and Bible studies, and a very wise former Presbyterian minister by the name of Scott Hahn and his colleagues, you would find the Catholic landscape vastly different. Anyone who cares to seek, will find. I'm praying for this dear woman, and for the unity that Christ Himself prayed for. God Bless you Barbara.

Posted by: Jennifer | October 19, 2006 8:57 PM

Barbara--
I can totally relate, and will lift up this mom in my prayers. I, too, am a single mom with three children. I have a growing relationship with my Maker, but even I struggle. It is not easy to parent EVER, but when you try to be two parents as one, it is all too easy to become less than one even. In fact, one of my children has special medical needs, which sometimes makes it seem like it is impossible to be even one whole parent to ALL three children.

I agree with you that the church should be doing more. I have felt this more and more as I have become healthier in my single parenting. My boys have learned that walking away is a rational, logical response to conflict in marriage. My daughter has learned that men can't be counted on to keep their promises. For a long while, I prayed that I would find a good Christian husband so that I would have the opportunity to model that these things just weren't so for them.

I still pray for a good Christian husband, but what I long for is for my kids to get more time with other families where the parents are together and who model working through conflict. My daughter gets these opportunities occasionally, but the boys really seem to miss out on it.

For me, the loss of the marriage has been a catalyst for immense spiritual growth. But I realize that this is not the case for many.

As for your comment about husbandless women and fatherless children, I will share with you what I shared with the "small groups team" at church. . .

God is in fact, the father to the fatherless, and the husband to the husbandless. However, He needs us to be His hands to hold, to hug, and His words to encourage. Without a small group of Christian women who have stood beside me in that role countless times over the last four and a half years, I would not even dare claim the title of "mother/parent".

Posted by: Ceci | October 20, 2006 3:37 PM

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