November 27, 2006 12:19 PM
Puppy dog blues
Running this - with permission - in the hopes that we can all learn from each other's mistakes:
Dear Barbara,I'm sorry to keep bugging you, but I don't really have the kind of parents that will advise me on this, beyond saying "you made your bed, now lie in it, and quit complaining." K___, my almost seven year old, begged and pleaded for a puppy of his own. He’s been taking care of J’s dog when J is at work for some time now, so I thought he might be ready. Then he got his heart set on the youngest puppy possible.
She was four weeks old when I got the call from the owner asking me to come get her. I tried to convince K to choose another older dog. He wouldn’t listen. I told him it would be too much work. He said he could handle it.
Fool and inexperienced parent that I am, I gave in. Almost three weeks later K is grounded from everything but puppy, chores, and homework because of his whiny “I don’t waaaant to!” and flat refusal to take care of her. I have told him (and stuck to this) that when he has a good attitude about taking care of her, I don’t mind helping him, but when his attitude is horrible then he has to do it all himself.
I really just want to find another home for this puppy. I’m tired of fighting. I made a mistake letting K have such a young puppy. But it’s not fair to expect him to do as much as she requires. And it’s not worth it to me to take this on when he doesn’t even play with her, or do the fun stuff for her. But I also don’t want to set the example for him that if something is too hard you can give it up.
I’m not the mom I want to be since we got this puppy, I’m tired, stressed, and even depressed over this. It probably doesn’t help that J has been out of town since the day before we got her and won’t be back for a week. This is how his new job is though, he isn’t around to help much, and out of cell phone range to boot.
Please help me figure this out.
Thanks,
V
Dear V-I've been through this myself and have watched my daughters go through it with grandchildren.
I think you both have learned a lesson - you as a mom and your son as a person who is learning that not every desire should be fulfilled immediately.
I am not one to say we need to see everything through because once the lesson is learned, there's no point in making everyone miserable.
I think you should give yourself permission to say you made a mistake. Have a talk and pray about it. If K starts to beg and say he'll change, stick with your decision because I can guarantee you he won't :)
Then do whatever you need to do to find a home for the puppy. Wait a while before adding a dog to your home. Research breeds to find one compatible. Pray (an important concept to teach him - that prayer needs to be part of every undertaking). Then check the pound or ads for a dog already trained and ready to be part of a family.
One of my daughters went through this recently with a dog that turned out to be too high strung. After researching breeds, they made a more informed decision and are very happy now with the dog they have.
I can't even tell you what an honor it is to have mothers wanting me to help them figure things out! Hugs to all of you. And thanks for being wiling to share with everyone here.
I'm sure there are some readers out there with advice or their own stories to share. Feel free to jump in!
Love,
Comments
I agree whole-heartedly with Barbara. You don't want to teach him to quit, but at the same time you want to teach him that we do make mistakes at times and he won't have the reward of keeping the dog for YOU to take care of. :) ~B
Posted by: B | November 27, 2006 1:33 PM
Sigh.....learning from mistakes, particularly when it casts self-doubts on our abilities as parents, is tough but good!
Where are you, V? We are in the process of considering getting a dog (our last one died last year)....maybe we can take yours off your hands? (We live near Sacramento, CA) We have 2 teenage daughters at home, as well as my 45-year-old mentally challenged sister who just LOVES dogs. My oldest daughter, who lives nearby with her husband and their 17-month-old son, has been lobbying us to get a dog, as well. Our 1/2 acre lot is a welcoming environment for just about any size dog. :)Posted by: Susan | November 27, 2006 2:48 PM
Just a quick suggestion for when you are ready to get another dog if you choose to let this one go. Research the breeds you are interested in by looking at specific breed rescue web sites. Folks involved in rescue tend to be very committed to the breed they are working with and tend to paint a very realistic picture of that particular breed. A good rescue or breeder site will tell you what the breed was originally bred for, what its positive and negative attributes are, what it realistically needs in terms of exercise, care, company, stimulation etc in order to be a happy well adjusted member of the family. The rescue folks or breeder should also be available to offer support and "technical assistance" after you get the puppy/dog to ensure that the placement is succesful. Their goal is to make sure that the dog or puppy doesn't end up in resuce again.
Also, as you learned a puppy should never be taken from its mother or litter before 8 weeks.
Sorry for getting on my soap box, can you tell I'm a bit of a dog person? Doing the research and soul searching before hand will go a long way in the long run. Definitely one of those "short term pain, long term gain" situations.
Good luck!Posted by: Catherine McQuilkin | November 27, 2006 10:53 PM
Susan, I am in Spring Creek, Nevada.
Believe it or not, I did all the research, and her breed mix really is ideal for our family-when the dog is grown. Even breeder's sites aren't very comprehensive about what to expect from a puppy vs a fully grown dog.
We were not planning to take Zoe home until she was old enough, but the woman who had her runs a ranch, and broke her ankle in a horseback riding accident. She could barely take care of herself, let alone nine puppies, three dogs, and her ranch. So we took her home early. I didn't think one puppy would rock our house quite like it did.
We do still have her, as no one has responded to my posters, and my husband really wants to keep her. I decided to make a few revisions, as my son is only six years old. We moved her crate out to the living room where everyone can keep an eye on her. I took over the night time wake up calls, and my son is responsible for her during his waking hours. It is very hard to have a good attitude when you're sleep deprived, after all.
V.Posted by: Vida | November 28, 2006 9:38 AM
Well, this is what happens when something sits in your stack of stuff for 10 days before you get around to posting it!
Vida, thanks for the update on the puppy. Now you have to keep us all updated on how it turns out.
But in the emantime, this is still a great lesson - don't you think that just knowing you have the freedom not to keep the puppy eases the strain a lot? What I mean is that sometimes we box ourselves into a corner thinking we HAVE to do something - keep the puppy, send Christmas cards, lose weight, etc. Then we feel trapped and anxiety-ridden. Sometimes just acknowledging that no one is making us do something and we are free to choose gives us a feeling of freedom that gives us the energy to go ahead and do the thing that was stressing us out.
You know what I mean?
Vida - you must send us updates - and a picture!
Posted by: barbara | November 28, 2006 10:23 AM
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