December 8, 2006 3:34 PM
Elisabeth Elliot on Too Many Children
I couldn't resist reprinting this - I know many of you will love it. Too bad all moms aren't like Elisabeth Elliot in taking their concerns to the Lord and overcoming their fears. But we can all learn from her example - and take our concerns about people who don't understand to the Lord.
My advice: when you are expecting a baby and are not greeted with the enthusiasm you should be greeted with - when others think they know what's best for your life - just smile and be confident in who you are and what you're doing. Don't react defensively, but simply overcome their negative reaction with your very, very positive assurance that you are doing something you will never regret in receiving another blessing from the Lord!
Too Many Children?
When I learned that my daughter Valerie was expecting number five, my insides tied themselves in knots.
Val and Walt were both very peaceful about it, willing to receive this child as they had received the others--as a gift from the Lord, remembering His words, "Whoever welcomes this child in my name welcomes me" (Luke 9:48, NIV). But my imagination ran to the future and its seeming impossibilities--"Poor dear Val. She has her hands more than full. What will she do with five?" Before she was married Valerie had told me that she hoped the Lord would give her six. I had smiled to myself, thinking she would probably revise that number after the first three or four. Practical considerations rose like thunderclouds in my mind. Money. Another room to be built onto the house. Homeschooling (Valerie was teaching two already!) How would the new child receive the attention he needed? Etc., etc.
Then I began to look at the advantages. I was one of six children myself, and loved growing up in a big family. Children learn early what it means to help and to share, to take responsibility and to make sacrifices, to give place to others, to cooperate and deny themselves. Why all this turmoil in my soul? Well, because I loved my child! She was tired! Her hands were full! Maybe later, maybe when the others were old enough to help more, maybe... O Lord!
I tried to talk to God about it. Breakfast time came, we ate, washed dishes, school began in the children's schoolroom, and I went to my room, my heart churning. What does one do?
I write this because troubled young women have come to me not understanding their mothers' reactions to the news of another baby. Was it resentment? Did they not love the grandchildren they had? Why would they not want more? Was it nothing but a meddle-some yen to run their children's lives? Was it a revelation of a worse attitude--an unwillingness to let God be God?
It was this last question that I knew I must wrestle with as I knelt in the bedroom. Most things that trouble us deeply come down to that. I had to bring each of my wrong responses definitely and specifically to God, lay them honestly before Him (He already knew exactly what I was thinking), confess my pride and silliness, and then, just as definitely accept His sovereign and loving will for Valerie, for her family, and for me as the granny. Only God knew how many countless others, even in future generations, He had in mind in bringing this particular child into the Shepard family. He was granting this family the privilege of offering sacrifices for Him, participating in His grand designs. YES, LORD. Your will is my conscious choice. Nothing more. Nothing less. Nothing else.
Even though the feelings don't evaporate at once, they have been surrendered, and the Lord knows what to do with them. Mine had to be surrendered over and over again, but He took them, and over the next few days He transformed them. And when the news of Number Six was broken to me two years later, I was able to say Thank You, Lord, and to add that tiny unknown one to my prayer list.
Evangeline Mary, born November 9, 1988, was lovingly welcomed by all.
I have met so many young mothers whose own mothers try to control their lives. I feel so sorry for them! All of us as women should be learning to raise our kids to the best of our ability and then to let them make their own decisions. It's between them and God.
I admire Elisabeth Elliot for her transparency in sharing this struggle, how she dealt with it with God's help, and the successful outcome.
As always, I'd like to encourage you to include Elisabet Elliot in your morning reading. She gives you a lot to think about during the day. Subscribe to her daily devotions here.
Posted in Big families, Mothering, Pro-Life Issues | Permalink
Comments
I think this is going to come out far more personal than I really intend it to but this really strikes a chord with me.
Both sets of parents, while happy about their grandson, have made it known that they would not be so happy should we announce a new addition.
This is unbearably hard for me because we have been TTC for almost a year with no success and I feel like I can't confide in my family because their reaction would be "Good! You have your hands full enough already!"
I know that parents concern is for their children, but when you're trying deperately to have a child, offhand comments lamenting an impending pregnancy are really hurtful.
I guess just something to think about if anyone has made such comments to their adult children.
Posted by: lauren | December 8, 2006 9:26 PM
Thank you for posting that (again!). We are expecting our third. We are SO BLESSED that my parents and my husband's parents have only joy and thanksgiving to share with us about this new baby. If they've had any reservations, they've kept them to themselves.
However, the world around us thinks we're nuts. I am absolutely positive that if this one is a girl, we will get "Oh, good, that's your last, right" from friends, strangers, and church leadership, and it makes upsets me so.
Posted by: Margaret | December 9, 2006 4:50 PM
Thank you so much for posting this! We just found out that we are expecting #2 - I know, we hardly qualify in the 'large families' spot! - but our #1 is only 10 months old. So far, we've told my parents, who welcomed the news with excitement and grace and have promised to keep all four of us in their prayers.
I am anxious about telling my husband's parents, though. His mom is not a believer, and she tends to be outspoken, bitter, and aggressive. I can only imagine her thoughts on having an "unplanned" child (and that word, unplanned, will sound a lot like unwanted falling from her lips). My father-in-law and stepmom-in-law are churchgoers, but that doesn't always "translate" into their lives, if you know what I mean. From them I expect a happy reaction to our faces and plenty of comments and sighs behind our backs.
This post makes me feel so much more courageous about affirming our convictions - that all life is a gift from the Giver, and that His ways are not our ways. I hope that if I need to, I will be able to speak to our family with grace and clarity. Thanks so much for these wise words - both Mrs. Elliott's and yours.
Posted by: NewDotMom | December 11, 2006 9:27 PM
I totally understand. When I announced we were having our fourth child, my mom said, again? I was heartbroken. We had finally let God lead this area of our lives, and my God fearing mother was telling me He was wrong. What I ended up doing was giving her Mary Pride's book, "The Way Home". I told her I didn't agree with everything in the book, but that it gave a good, clear idea of what we belived about children. I give my mother great credit. She read it, she prayed, and she came back and apologized. She's become one of my biggest supporters (most of the time) and defenders to other's comments.
Posted by: Monica | December 12, 2006 3:54 PM
Thank you! Thank you! I am currently the happy mother of six busy children ranging in ages 11 to 16 months. I endured a great deal of rude comments from my in-laws and hurtful thoughtless comments from members of my church and community when I was pregnant especially with blessing number 6. I even had a man stop me in the grocery store to count them all and ask in a very worried tone, "will you be having any more?" after the usual comment of "are they all yours?". I find it hard not to be snippy with such antics and finding your blog has meant the WORLD to me. It is a balm to my spirit to know that there are other women in the world who can and do have big families. Women who not only recognize it as a blessing but praise the Lord for such a choice calling. Women who embrace all the warmest of wishes and continue on in the face of naysayers. Some days you just feel as though you are all alone. Thank you for your willingness to share. This is a topic I have struggled with and am so grateful to not feel quite so alone anymore.
Posted by: Jerusha | December 12, 2006 4:22 PM
We have 2 little ones that are three yo and nearly 2 and are due in a few weeks with number three. I recently remarked to a dear friend that I am pleased with how much more cynical people could be with me when I am out with all my children. My most common comment is "Boy, you've got your hands full!" To which there are a myriad of positive and godly responses. I feel blessed to smile and be so sweet and gentle with those that comment and maybe even encourage them to see that my disposition is not one of burdensome fatigue or bitterness.
Just recently, a sweet older lady in the grocery saw us out shopping, and smiling, said, " What a beautiful family you have." I was so touched. What a wonderful way to bless someone. I will try to remember to do the same when I see families out and about.
Posted by: Meagan | December 12, 2006 8:46 PM
I empathize with these mothers who received the negative comments because my husband and I were the target of such negativity throughout my pregnancies. The nasty comments continued after the children were born and often were said in their presence! Our children now are 31, 27, 23, and 14, so everyone reading this post will realize such negativity has been around for at least 32 years!
I believe most people and even many professing Christians have been caught up in materialism, the idea of success at any price, and the promises of the women's movement. They may not realize it, but the values and aims of these movements have taken over their minds, making family and children of little or no importance to them.
The first time I became so upset by the negativity, I confided in my pastor's wife, who had five children. She told me, "Your children, provided they accept Christ, are the only things you can take with you to heaven. All the social, material and worldly things will be left behind." Her words certainly have echoed through my mind and heart ever since.
In connection with these thoughts, I have noticed half the alumni at my Christian college alma mater never married, for whatever reason. Of these single people, about half died before reaching the age of 45. To me, each single college friend represents one Christian family that never came into existence. How sad it is to see the numbers of non-Christian people who have reproduced themselves, whether married or not, and to see the bad effects THEY have had on our society.
To these young mothers, I would say, "Take heart and have a large family that is honoring to the Lord and that can be a light and a witness to a dark and lost world. Don't let the negativity defeat you. "Sheila Beers, Argos, Indiana
Posted by: Sheila Beers | June 10, 2008 1:22 PM
I saw this and it deeply struck a chord with me - I get this comment all the time. I have 5 children currently - all with some form of autism - and they are all mine - none are adopted - and when I was pregnant with my third child, my mother in law freaked; my side of the family won't speak to me and doesn't even know about kids 4 & 5 - you can imagine her shock when number 4 was announced and when number 5 - forget it - she didn't talk to me or my husband for weeks but on the day I gave birth, she rushed over and took me to the hospital and was there when I delivered - tears filled her eyes. She loves her grandchildren more than anything in this world and I understand her fear because of the autism but I have told her that God has blessed me with my children for a reason.
Currently I am expecting #6 and we haven't told her anything but I think she suspects because she has had dreams of me having a little girl and ususally her dreams are right on target. She has pretty much told my husband - it's your lives, your choices.
I know it is hard for some people to understand or accept but these are blessings and miracles from God and I just wish that the news could be welcomed with happiness and smiles - but sometimes, the heartbeats and little hands is all it takes to make the bad things go away and enjoy the miracle that was blessed to us by God.
Posted by: Krystal - momofautism | June 10, 2008 3:20 PM
This is something that I have dealt with...not from my mom, but from my boss and others. In fact, just before our 2 month old was born, the daughter asked if I had plans for birth control--namely, a tubal ligation. I said no and chuckled. The doc looked at my husband and asked when he was having a vasectomy. Between the two of us, we now have six children--two who are 12, two who are 10 (for now), a 7yo, and a 2 month old.
We have not made a "final" decision on whether we will have more babies or not. But it's my body, and I'll pro-create if I want to. I'm not asking someone else to pay for these babies, so I think it's God's decision...
Posted by: Ceci | June 11, 2008 1:31 AM
I use to listen to Elizabeth when I was a little girl. I really miss hearing her on the radio. Anyways, my husband and I have been blessed with four beautiful children, and I hope that the Lord will bless us with many more. We do get looks and stares in the store that can be annoying, but I have come to laugh at some of it. My husband is in the military and he gets a lot of comments like "don't you know what causes that?" To which he loves to reply "No". We as parents are blessed to be able to raise these children and when we are older we will be blessed to have our children and Lord willing to have many grandchildren. Children really are a blessing from the Lord. Just one last comment. In our society that is only concerned with me and I and how much stuff we have, I think that children that are raised in a home that doesn't have every little thing that they want are more blessed. They learn to be thankful for what they have and they learn to be kind and sharing to others also.
Posted by: Ann | October 14, 2008 3:14 AM
When I am protesting abortion, i've found it a common thing for many pro-choice people to say, "my body, my choice." Yet they are quick to tell you to use birth control when you have more than 2 kids. What ever happened to your overused "my body my choice?"
That was a great story, thank you.
Posted by: Claire | February 10, 2009 2:42 PM
I particularly like Ann's comment re "My body, my choice!" How apt!
Posted by: Tracy Herron | April 28, 2009 3:53 AM
I am the oldest of 5 children and was homeschooled up until I went to college (1987 - 2000). I now have a 12 month old son and I am praying that God will bless my husband and me with more children.
I have to say that such comments from people - perfect strangers - when mothers are out and about with their children can be highly, highly damaging to those children. I learned at an early age - 8 or 9 - to be ashamed at the number of my brothers and sisters. People often made comments about how many children we were (as if we were some conglomerate instead of individuals), whether my parents planned to have more, why we weren't in school, etc., etc. Our society really is brainwashed into believing that more than 2 or 3 children is abnormal.
It took me a long time to get over my fear of large families...I'd have to say I wasn't completely over it until the end of my pregnancy. However, I began to be VERY proud of my siblings and brag about them (and how wonderful it was to be part of a large family) when I was in college. I still didn't want a family of my own though...I bought into feminist myths about children taking away from the marriage relationship, children taking away personal identity, children ruining your figure (that last one isn't so feminist, haha).
I was not excited to find out I was pregnant (even though my husband was ecstatic!), but I began to learn to trust the Lord and see what a blessing this baby was going to be in my life. By the time my son was born, I was ready to embrace motherhood...and I have! This is the most wonderful vocation I ever could have imagined, and it disgusts and saddens me that there are people out there who don't see children as individuals with their own God-given personalities and talents.
Anyway, my point is that strangers' comments are damaging...and I encourage mothers to stand up to such nay-sayers for their precious children's sake.
Thank you, Barbara!
Posted by: Erin | September 30, 2009 12:45 PM
As the mother of four boys, I faced unexpected criticism from relatives with each child we added after the first two.
My father, a wealthy man and a fan of zero population growth, informed me that I was done after I had my first two boys. (I'm not quite sure what he thought I was going to do with that "order"). When I became pregnant with my third and shared it with him he made a crude comment that killed my excitement. He was the last person in the family to hear that I was pregnant with my fourth (seven months into it).
My in laws, also fairly well-to-do, did not understand our passion for children and were dismayed by our decision to have more than two. My mother in law shrieked that my husband would have to work three jobs for the rest of his life to support us all (it was my fault of course). The rest quietly clucked their tongues and gossiped about us behind our backs (bits and pieces still drift back occasionally when one of them is put out with one of the others).
Just when I was despairing of anyone understanding, I found great support through our local church. Especially in two women in particular who cheered and hugged me. One woman assured me that God would provide everything we needed (You know what? He did!) and another who talked about how incredible it was to watch large families work together to raise the children and run the household. That vision was all I needed to understand that not only could I raise several boys at once, but I could do it well.
My sons (homeschooled) are now eleven and up. One is in college, two are in high school. We consider ourselves mightily blessed to raise these remarkable people. Anytime I see all of them at the dinner table I am struck by how wealthy I am. My husband (who, by the way, didn't have to work three jobs) and I have worked hard to instill faith and values in them and are seeing them reap the rewards. That lady at church was right about families pulling together to raise the younger children. I had many hands to help with my youngest (sometimes too many!). The boys are all nurturing, caring individuals and have benefited from learning to put others ahead of themselves.
Thank you for this terrific article!
Posted by: Mary | December 10, 2009 11:26 AM
