December 1, 2006 4:50 PM
Preparing for a new sibling
Barbara,I am due to bring our new baby boy home in three weeks from the hospital and I'm wondering what the best way to go about this would be, keeping our 2 year old daughter with some special needs in mind.
Is there anything we can do to prepare her for this (our absence for a few days and the new sibling) in a way that would best benefit her and not completely throw her for a loop?
So far, we've been trying to point to pictures of babies and point to my belly and tell her the name of the baby over and over. We let her play in his room and help prepare his nursery in small ways. We've had our friend that will stay with her while we are in the hospital come and stay for the night while we went out and she put our daughter to bed so they could have a "trial" run of something new and that's wreaked total havoc here over the past week since that night. Our daughter has a history of physically breaking down/shutting down when she gets overwhelmed with sensory/emotional input and it ends up with hospitalizing her for dehydration, weight loss and she stops sleeping almost completely. She's very "helpful" around the house with chores and such so I plan to involve her as much as possible in his care when he comes home so she feels a part of it, as well as spend some time with just her and I so she doesn't feel left out. Is there more we can do to brace ourselves and prepare her better?
Anyway, I thought you might be the best person I know to ask for advice as to how to prepare a special needs child for a new addition to the family...any thoughts you or your readers have would be so appreciated.
Laura
Dear Laura -Sorry it took a few days for me to respond. The emails I long to pour my heart into always wait until last, though I resolve to change :)
It sounds like you are doing everything right. What a good mommy to be planning and trying to provide for your firstborn! It sure seems like it will come naturally to you to be looking for balance when the baby come homes.
But life does have that quality of unpredictability about it. You can plan and have everything go smoothly, but by the same token there may be bumps in the road no matter how hard you work to provide them.
That's okay - all the better to trust in God minute-by-minute :)
I forget how old your daughter is. My experience as a mom and a teacher has been that when the baby comes before the toddler is three years old, there is generally less anxiety. That's not always true, of course. My number four was 18 months old when number five came along and he was so traumatized he wouldn't have anything to do with me for six months - but clung to his father. He was the exception rather than the rule, though.
I love the book A Baby Sister for Frances
Here is an excerpt I wrote about it in The Mommy Manual:
Books with animal characters – like Russell Hoban’s Frances books – can teach important lessons in charming and non-threatening ways. In A Baby Sister for Frances, the whimsical badgerette deals with sibling rivalry. In A Birthday for Frances, the ebb and tide of generosity and jealousy when it’s someone else’s birthday. In Bedtime for Frances, the fears of going to bed. In Bread and Jam for Frances, the parent/child struggle over eating the right foods.
All of these typical childhood problems could be dealt with in a once-removed setting, with a human character like Ira. But they wouldn’t pack the wallop they do with Frances.
That’s because these books address something scarier than being lost, poverty, or embarrassment. They address the child’s fear of his own emotions.
Though sibling rivalry and anger toward parents are normal, the child doesn’t know that – and when these feelings well up they’re ugly and frightening. Mommy says I’m good when I’m nice to the baby. But when he cries I want to smoosh the pillow over his face. I must be very bad.
Unlike adults, who can reason through emotional conflicts, children lack the language and tools. What works for them are stories twice-removed, where the unreasonable feelings are projected onto a creature that looks different on the outside, but seems much the same inside. That Frances is transparent, that she warbles funny tunes about her quandaries, and that her parents love her no matter what – these make the stories even more appealing and fill the child with hope.
Not that a book is going to guarantee smooth sailing. But as a springboard to discussion - "Do you ever feel that the baby is getting too much attention?" - it can't be beat. What you want is not children who don't have negative feelings - because that can never be - but children who learn not to be afraid of their feelings and who will come to you to talk things over.
Then you teach them to turn to God for help - through praying together.
Keep in mind that we can't make life perfect for our kids. what we can do is teach them healthy ways to deal with fears and disappintment.
Hope this helps, Laura. I will run your email and mine for more suggestions.
Posted in Babies, Family, Mothering, Preschoolers, Toddlers | Permalink
Comments
The only thing I would add is that Mommy needs to be prepared, too. For me, there was a touch of sadness with "de-throning" my first-born. Just knowing that having another child would rock his litle world was traumatic to an already emotional pregnant woman, LOL. But I also knew that it would ultimately provide him a lifetime of joy and fun and camaraderie (I don't think I spelled that right.) #3 and was less traumatic and #4 was just old hat LOL. But I distinctly remember lying on the couch with my son and weeping because my pregnant belly was too big-- he could no longer lie beside me, but had to lie behind my legs "in the boat" as we call it. It was symbolic of the other changes that would come.
~Leslie
Posted by: Leslie | December 1, 2006 6:01 PM
It sounds like the biggest concern is going to be the actual time with Mommy and Daddy gone to the hospital--that was a very hard time for our daughter, and she is very easy going and was happy at first to stay with Grandma and Grandpa. But when the stay was four days instead of one, she got very homesick. Finally my husband just took her home with him, while I stayed in the hospital with the baby. Sometimes there's no easy way to do it, but I would do everything possible to get at least Daddy home with her at bedtime.
Posted by: Queen of Carrots | December 2, 2006 3:49 PM
Ask for prayer. People will ask if you need anything or what they can do for help; Ask for Prayers. Have friends, family, and those who love you and are not nearby praying for you, your husband, the new baby and your older daughter. We also did well to plan that the older child's bedtime routine remained as normal as possible even if Daddy had to comfort the new baby who was crying. Crying is normal for an expectant mom. My oldest threw up when he first met his new baby brother (he was 2 1/2). He was fine for #3 and #4. The two oldest (both boys) are now wonderful friends and allies, often against their sisters or occassionally me and my husband.
Posted by: Jane Duquette | December 3, 2006 12:36 AM
We've found that involving the older children in the pregnancy as much as possible, even when you think they are too small to understand, is very, very important. Just going to prenatal appointments with mom gives them a sense of "ownership" of the baby, too. I wouldn't leave them with friends for days, either. Mom is much more capable of dealing with a new situation and "abandonment" than a two year old is. My husband stays with me till the baby is born and we know everything is okay and usually until I'm settled in my room, but not always. Then he goes and gets the other kids from where ever they are. He brings them to visit, but otherwise keeps their lives as normal as possible, and everyone is eager for mom and new baby to come.
Posted by: Jennie C. | December 3, 2006 9:17 AM
I agree with Jennie - After each birth, I spent the night in the hospital with the new baby while Tripp came home to be with the other children. Then he'd come to bring me home as soon as possible - uuslly within 24 hours as it's so difficult to get rest in the hospital anyway.
Better to be home and tired than away and tired :)
Posted by: barbara | December 3, 2006 8:08 PM
I thought I had gotten over it, but I almost cried when I read your letter because I went through something like this with my toddler. Hold onto the thought that it WILL pass-if it turns out not to go as smoothly as you hope. :) Remember that. Hold on tight to God too. I had a premature baby just as I found out my 21 month old had special needs and sensory issues. Even going out of town overnight is hard for him; so when I was spending days in the hospital with our premature son for weeks. I did Kangaroo care with him all day once I was allowed to hold him. (Held him skin to skin under a blanket). I am certain it made it worse because we were concerned about leaving our newborn in the NICU at night and not being there with him, and little ones pick up on how we are feeling. God got us through! When we were ALL finally home and back to normal, our 21 month old was happy & started sleeping better again. If I could go back, there are some things I'd do differently. I would have had my husband go put our son to bed that night while I was in labor, and I would have stayed home during the day and gone to the hospital at night after our son was in bed.
Posted by: H | December 4, 2006 3:10 PM
