January 29, 2007 9:20 AM
An unexpected Christmas gift from my dad
Something really sweet has taken place in my life over the last couple months.
My dad - who left my mom when I was six years old and with whom I lived with for a year when I was ten but have only seen or heard from handful of times since (the last being 20 years ago) contacted me in November.
He'd tracked me down through Classmates.com.
Though I had a lot of reasons to hate my dad, I didn't feel anything negative at all. Just an openness to what God wanted to do with the situation.
And so we began corresponding via email (my dad lives in Texas). Nothing heavy. Just getting to know each other a little. I didn't have any expectations. Like I said, just a willingness to see what God was doing.
On Christmas Eve my dad wrote in a long email:
I anguish when read the things you have written and hear you saying how badly things went for you, and I am sorry, kitten. Why is it we can always see things more clearly in hindsight? After we have already blindly missed the right path?
Those of you who've been hurt (directly or indirectly) by parents who never acknowledged or were sorry for the pain their actions caused will know how much these words meant to me.
Though God had prepared a place in my heart to receive my father, a lot of my willingness had to do with my age and maturity. When you've lived enough years to have made a lot of mistakes yourself it's much easier to forgive loved ones who've hurt you.
My dad didn't have to say he was sorry. After all, he's just a sinner like me and as far as I know, he's not a believer. The issue is really between me and God. Will I accept God's grace for others as I accept it for myself?
All of us suffer hurts as children. I remember one time getting mad at Tripp for bemoaning the fact that his parents had cleaned out his savings account to buy him a bike for Christmas. I was indignant. I mean, how could that teensy wrong compare with my own background of foster homes, neglect and sexual abuse?
But then I realized that Satan can take something small and make it appear terribly big, just as he can take something big and make it appear terribly small. The important thing is that he looks for a hook - something to grab us and make us feel sorry for ourselves.
Something to destroy our relationships. Something to fill our hearts with hate instead of love. Something to stunt our growth and impede our ability to serve God.
We all have these things to overcome - even those from "perfect" Christian homes. I've already written of how as a Christian I made peace with my past.
My earthly life, like Joseph’s, had been filled with abandonment, betrayal, and undeserved abuse. But it was those hurtful things that had in some way shaped me to become a woman poised to do the particular things God would reveal He wanted me to. I didn’t have to be bitter, knowing that if I surrendered and let Him, God would use everything to make me better.
In this way, I made peace with my past. Not an uneasy truce, but a real and permanent peace. I embraced each particular event, acknowledging that even if I had a choice, there’s not one thing I would change.
(from Lord, Please Meet Me in the Laundry Room)
And so when my dad contacted me I didn't react with bitterness or any expectation for him to behave a certain way.
And lo and behold, on Christmas Eve, my dad gave me an unexpected gift. You can imagine what it meant to the Little Girl still inside me.
But it means even more to know it's really a gift from my Heavenly Father, who'd already given me the gift of forgiveness so I could truly appreciate what it meant.
Comments
Wow Barbara, your smile has not changed at all! And your eyes look the same too. Is the same face, just grown up. You look so sweet in that picture.
I hope this new experience with your dad brings you happiness.
Posted by: LadyLovas | January 29, 2007 12:17 PM
"Those of you who've been hurt (directly or indirectly) by parents who never acknowledged or were sorry for the pain their actions caused will know how much these words meant to me."
*nodding head* Oh. Yes.
"But then I realized that Satan can take something small and make it appear terribly big...to stunt our growth and impede our ability to serve God."
*weeping* Such powerful paragraphs those two are. So true. So true. *hanging head*
"But it means even more to know it's really a gift from my Heavenly Father, who'd already given me the gift of forgiveness so I could truly appreciate what it meant."
*smiling through tears*
Thank you, Barbara.
*sniffling*
...and linking...
Posted by: Kari at HealedWaters | January 29, 2007 12:48 PM
That is a wonderful real-life story. I hope you can continue to grow in your relationship with your Dad. Maybe, through you, he can come to know our Heavenly Father.
We all have some bitter history buried I guess. I hope some day, my own parents will seee through their own bitterness and favoritism and come to know their two other children and awaiting grandchildren some day before it's too late.
Again, best of luck to you
Posted by: deborah | January 29, 2007 1:51 PM
WOW! It's amazing to see how you still look the same! So neat to see you as a little girl!!!
And thanks for sharing how the Lord gave you much grace, through seeing your OWN need for grace and forgiveness, to forgive you dad! All glory to the Lord!!! May your dad fall in love with Jesus through his new-found relationship with you!
Posted by: shawnda | January 29, 2007 3:51 PM
Barbara,
My dad and I have been on a rollercoaster ride for years, but after my twins came along it was all about them and never again about us. My dad too left me and my mom when I was 13. It hurt so bad. I remember bits of it. Maybe blocked out most of it. Having to sell our house, do laundry in an apartment laundry mat, no garage, no security of a father, no one to help pic out my prom dress and be there to scare the pants off my date! No dad on Father's Day morning. I need to say this loud and clear! LISTEN UP PEOPLE: THINK BEFORE YOU DIVORCE! There are graduations, celebrations, weddings, births of babies. I realize now why there are only a few lines in baby books. No "step father" lines to fill in. Barbara. I love you and your site. You are fabulous!
Posted by: Shannon Best | January 29, 2007 4:04 PM
I think that the picture of you also looks like your daughter Jasmine. Be sure to frame these pictures and add them to pictures of your children. My kids love to see pictures of Mom and Dad and especially their grandparents and compare themselves to them. It is also great for them to laugh at the hairstyles and clothes. I am glad that you and your dad have lived long enough to heal your relationship.
Posted by: Jane Duquette | January 30, 2007 12:03 AM
Dear Barbara,
What a moving story! You have a wonderful site, I am very impressed and I linked to your article about contraception. Thank you for sharing your sorrows, your wisdom, and your faith!
Posted by: elena maria vidal | January 30, 2007 9:50 AM
This is so beautiful and so true. I have had a evry similar healing experience though only through the Lord, not because my dad ever said anything. The Lord worked it out and healed that scar on my heart.
BTW, I am here because Kari of Healed Waters linked to you.
Posted by: Heather | January 30, 2007 12:33 PM
Hi, I came via the link from Healed Waters.
This was beautiful:
But it means even more to know it's really a gift from my Heavenly Father, who'd already given me the gift of forgiveness so I could truly appreciate what it meant.
Thank you for sharing such a moving testimony.
Posted by: Sarah | January 30, 2007 2:16 PM
wow! praise God. What a beautiful story. What an incredible gift!
Posted by: Ruth | January 30, 2007 8:54 PM
Followed your link from Kari's, too.
Much wisdom in this post. I sometimes wonder if we don't accept God's grace for others because we don't accept it for ourselves. I meet so many who won't forgive. Often it turns out it's because they don't fully accept that they've been forgiven.
You offer a good word.
Posted by: Carol | January 30, 2007 10:09 PM
Thank you for sharing this. I hope if my dad ever wants a relationship with me that I too can have a heart full of grace to overcome the hurt.
Thank you.
Posted by: Kathy, Jeff's Wife | January 31, 2007 8:47 AM
