January 19, 2007 4:02 PM
Bringing up boys to be gentlemen
I was wondering if you had any advice on building character values. My son that is 4, is not as respectful as we would like. He gets upset and then gets snippy with whom ever has aggravated him. He snatches toys from his sister and raises his voice.I just feel like there has got to be a way to teach him how to be more respectful to adults, and his sister. I'm not sure respect is the correct word...he uses his manners (Yes Ma'am, Yes Sir) but when he gets upset by something or is told not to do something,he talks back and tries to tell you why he is right and that Yes he will do it his way. As soon as I say, W___, I said No., he usually steams off mad.
We are struggling with how to instill good character values in him. We have tried to explain why you don't talk back, we have taken away toys, etc...I feel like I am just missing the boat on this.
Any thoughts?
I recently posted on Teaching good manners, values and character. Your son may be a little young for the books I recommended, but if you are good at translating the teaching material based on animals into preschool-friendly language, you can get started with those.
In the meantime, first of all, you and your husband need to make sure you are being good role models.
Then you have to just patiently continue doing all the things you are doing to teach your son to be a gentleman. Use cue words to remind him - like "How does a gentleman behave?"
Make sure you understand that boys and girls are wired differently and a lot of us moms have to go through an internal debriefing process to understand what makes men tick and respect them for who God made them to be. Guys ust don't process information in the same way. They are not as global in their thinking (that's why we're their helpmates). They have tunnel vision - which is very, very useful for many things. (If you're thinking global is superior to tunnel, that's because you're a woman, btw :)
(For more, see The Truth About Boys and Girls - click at the bottom of Part One for Part Two)
Make sure he doesn't get to hungry or tired - if he does, give him a little time out. And do give him time outs when he is rude. Time alone in his room or on a bench. Not in a mean or angry way, but matter-of-fact and kind but authoritative (not authoritarian, but authoritative). Be consistent. Be loving. Be patient.
Some kids have character flaws that they will do battle with all their lives. You are right to want to work on this early so you can equip your son to grow up to be a good man.
Most of all, pray for your kids. They really belong to God and we just try to do the best we can taking care of them for a little while.
Comments
I pulled my copy of WATCHMAN ON THE WALLS out again. Not sure why I ever put it away with three young boys in the house but, regardless, it is out again. It gives you specifics to pray for your child. wonderful and life changing.
Posted by: janet | January 19, 2007 9:54 PM
We have 3 girls but we use a similar phrase like Barbara mentioned. Remember, "little ladies" don't talk with their mouths full. Little ladies show respect for others by waiting their turn to talk and not interrupting. You could use "Little gentlemen". We've also been using a tool from Sally and Clay Clarkson called "Our 24 Family Ways." Basically it's 24 family "rules or guidelines" for the home. They are very convicting for me and help keep me on track as well. Their website is www.wholeheart.org. They have lots of good books and resources.
Posted by: Angie | January 19, 2007 11:28 PM
I recently stumbled upon these books that teach great character lessons. It's wonderful to read about the animals and then be able to use the character traits to teach with. For example, in your correction, you could say "Now____, how would Beaver have handled that?" and it sparks their memory to what they have seen and read. It may work!!
www.libraryanded.com/teach.
Animal Pride Series - 20 books!
Authors Dave and Pat Sargent are true animal lovers who use stories of animals to not only teach about nature but also about having good character. Each 42 page book includes an original animal story, an animal fact section, vocabulary learning section, and “The Best I Can Be†section that pulls a specific character trait from the story and encourages readers to emulate good, Christian character. Each story has dozens of fun, colorful illustrations. This series features 20 different stories on animals such as deer, beavers, wolves, rabbits, foxes, and horses, and teaches character traits such as obedience, teamwork, valuing family, leadership, hard work, and many more.
Posted by: JPeters | January 20, 2007 8:35 AM
In some ways, I've had it easy with my five boys, because I can point to their father as a good example, e.g., "Does Daddy talk like that?" "Do you see Daddy acting like that?"
We've also found that reading Proverbs to our children is really helpful. We did this even when we thought the children were too young to benefit. A helpful resource is the book "Proverbs for Parenting" --- it enabled me find appropriate verses for all sorts of behavior and attitude issues. My oldest son still remembers verses he memorized 15 or so years ago. (He's now 21.)
Manners are important; I see them as the outward manifestation of respect and courtesy. But I've taught martial arts long enough to know that you can have all sorts of flawless etiquette, with "Yes, Ma'am!" at the end of ever sentence, and still have a disrespectful child who wants his or her own way and will trample others to get it.
What I have told my children over and over --- I cannot change their hearts. I cannot make them love and honor God. BUT I can insist that their outward behavior be respectful, rather than dishonoring.
By the way, acting shocked and bewildered at disrespectful behavior has worked well with some of my boys. It's as if they are then motivated to prove that this was just a lapse and that they are normally gentlemen.
Posted by: Rebecca | January 21, 2007 11:19 AM
I want to thank you for your blog and for the inspiration you provide to all us newer moms. I am the work at home mom of a 16 month old little boy who is quite precocious, and other boy due any minute now. My son often has fits of temper (my fault for being a bad example, I´m afraid) but lately I have been disciplining him with time outs and have seen a noticable improvement in his behavior.
Also, I have been pleasantly surprised to notice that he is picking up on many good habits. Today, for example, I took down his toy box and put it on the floor and he automatically said, "tank you". I was thrilled to see that being a good example really works!
Posted by: Genesis | April 24, 2007 10:55 PM
