January 8, 2007 6:51 PM
Doug Phillips controversy - Take 2 - Recovering from spiritual abuse
As I’ve gone about my day, I’ve been flooded with further thoughts on the Doug Phillips/Jen Epstein situation – and to tell you the truth, though I’ve been told there are other controversies surrounding Doug’s ministry, I simply don’t have time to work on them.
First of all, I feel it’s important to understand that discussing the pros and cons of Doug’s theology or vision is a sidetrack. What is important is the issue of Christian leadership and whether or not it has been misused or abused.
My guess is that the Epsteins are not the only people who have been treated that way. Or – on the slim chance that they are – if things remain at this stalemate, they will not be the last. This kind of scenario is depressingly all too common in the Christian community. Having been through it myself, I can clear up some possible questions for those who haven’t by sharing some of my own experience.
During the first year we were at Pastor H’s church – in which we were quickly absorbed into the inner circle of leadership – there were several families that came under a cloud because – well, for whatever reasons were given then, I can now say in retrospect , because they simply weren’t conforming to what was expected. They were put into counseling with the designated staff person. Usually this was a sure sign that either things would get better for a while and then deteriorate, or they would simply deteriorate. One way or another, the trouble cases ended up leaving and there would be a sermon warning us against whatever evils they represented and reminders that we were to have nothing to do with heathens, etc. When trouble was brewing we had lots of sermons on gossip and slander.
Tripp and I dutifully shunned the people we were supposed to, never dreaming that it would someday happen to us. The details of what caused us to want to leave are not as important as the fact that no one left peacefully from this church, so our efforts to do so were to no avail.
Now, unless you’ve surrendered yourself to a Christian church/leader that considers itself/himself morally superior, you have no idea the aftermath of being drummed out. By the time it happens, you have pretty much cut off all your other relationships and activities. Shunned by those you thought were friends, you are truly alone.
The gift is that in that alone place you can rediscover your direct and childlike relationship with God. No church or man will ever be able to interfere with that again – sort of like an inoculation:). But it takes a while to discover that.
In the meantime, you cry and cry and cry. You can barely function at your normal tasks. The only thing I can compare it to is when I got clean and sober. It’s very, very hard.
Because we’d been so obviously popular with the leadership, because we were relatively wealthy and respected in the community and because we’d had many, many gatherings at our house (we’d moved half a mile from the church in order to fulfill this function), Pastor H had to go into hyper-damage control mode when we left. A special meeting was held with the full congregation and not only did Pastor H lie about us from the pulpit, but there was an open mike so that our former friends could get up and recant their friendships with us, throwing in some lies themselves (one even said that we abused our children!) - kinds like in a Communist dictatorship.
How do I know this? Because one conscientious lady – who I was barely acquainted with because she wasn’t in the In-Crowd like I was (there was always talk about the different circles around Jesus) – took notes surreptitiously, got up her courage, and called me to share them.
That was a true act of love. I have always believed that it is better to be equipped with the truth. How else can you deal with lies?
I began to wake at 3 in the morning, compelled to communicate the truth of what had happened to us. It was 1990 and we had a computer, but of course not the Internet. I typed out my chronological order of events, took it to Kinko’s, copied it, bought hundreds of envelopes, addressed hundreds of envelopes, and sent them to every member of the congregation. This happened several times.
Tripp and I also collaborated – as I mentioned before – with Dr. Enroth on his second book, Recovering from Churches That Abuse. Our story, with different names but the name of the church, appears in Chapter Four.
The reason we participated was not out of vengeance but because we felt that – unlike many wounded people we knew who’d been spun out of the church – we’d made a successful recovery. We wanted to share what made it a success.
Briefly, there were several factors:
1) We refused to be victims. While others were too wounded or scared to do anything on their own behalf, we did our best to communicate the truth.
2) Rather early on in our recovery – once we got through the grieving process – we stopped concentrating on what was wrong with the church and started seeking God about what was wrong with us. Why had we been drawn to a church capable of such abuse? For us the answer was elitism. For others we spoke with later, the pull was a highly-structured life, unresolved issues with parents, no unanswered questions.
3) We sought out and apologized to all those we had shunned or of whom we had believed the spin from leadership. We realized that if they misrepresented us, they’d surely misrepresented others. (This is an important step and one which most people neglect. Over the last 16 years – although there was eventually a major fallout at the church and Pastor H fled to Georgia – only a handful of people have apologized to us for their cruel behavior. Some people who left after us still claimed that they left “in the right way” while we left in “the wrong way.” They obviously were still stuck in the arrogance and elitism. I feel sorry for them because they missed an important opportunity).
4) We turned our attention to helping others, opening our home to others who’d been through the mill, giving them the opportunity to talk about their experience and learn and grow through it. We’d share things together like how whenever anyone was going in to talk to Pastor H about problems, they'd go in clear about their position and come out with their minds scooped out and replaced with group-think. How he sat on a chair while they sat on a sofa, a little lower. How there was always someone else there for the outnumbering factor. How anyone who tried to leave peacefully couldn’t. And so on. We prayed and sang together. And to close with humor, we’d fix popcorn and watch The Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956 version) together.
5) We were teachable. We were eager for God to use this experience to help us be better able to serve Him.
Life went on. Three years later our son with Down syndrome was born. This was regarded by the church as evidence that we no longer had God’s favor. Little did they know :).
A couple years later God called me to writing. I was 46 years old and had never published a thing. Now I think back to those 3:00 AM awakenings and know that there was a purpose and God rewarded my obedience. I never would have dreamed that I would become a writer with nine books and 800+ published articles, plus a biweekly newspaper column and this blog. I’m not saying that to toot my own horn, but to show that God certainly didn’t judge me the same way as Pastor H and his loyal followers.
We also went on to have another so-called normal :) child and adopt three more with Down syndrome. Looking back I know that I never could have done these things in Pastor H’s church environment, where everything was about his ministry and his gifts and all of the congregations’ energy and gifts went into supporting his.
This is why I believe that a Christian leader must be very careful with the responsibility and precious gift God gives him. A true Christian leader will be marked by a servant’s heart. Rather than using others to reach his potential, his work will be aimed at releasing the potential of his followers.
While most start out helping others, unfortunately way too many seem to forget the purpose of their calling. They become arrogant and unteachable. And the biggest problem within much of the Protestant community – the accountability demanded by church leadership of those under them is sadly lacking in themselves. They begin to think that they alone have a direct pipeline to God. Isn’t that one of the things the Reformation was supposed to free us from?
As I said, these are things that have been on my mind today as I thought about Jen Epstein and the abuse and slander she is surely suffering. My heart goes out to her. She is a brave and obedient woman – I know from experience that that’s what it takes to stand up against such powerful opposition. I also know from experience that God will use her courage and obedience in ways she never dreamed of.
As for Doug Phillips – and his loyal followers – I do so hope that their hearts will be softened and they will admit where they’ve been at fault in this mess. Otherwise I’m afraid this will not be the last negative news we hear.
Even now, I am writing this out of obedience as it’s not the sort of thing I’m doing with my blog right now. I hope it is helpful for some of my readers.
Tomorrow, back to Apron Power! And catching up on my email. For those who’ve been waiting, sorry for the delay.
Posted in Current Affairs, Religion, Spiritual abuse | Permalink
Comments
Barbara, I probably don't have to tell you how much it means to have someone come alongside me and say, "I've been there." Even though the details of our stories are quite different, the resulting hurt and pain bonds us together.
We are the first family at BCA to be excommunicated and shunned, but we are not the first to be hurt by Doug Phillips. There are many families who left deeply hurt, but that is not what motivated us to go public. Since Doug Phillips is such a public figure, he leaves a trail of hurt publicly now as well. In His Providence, God brought many people into our lives in this past year who have also been deeply hurt by Doug Phillips, in many various ways, all over this globe. It is precisely this pattern of abuse that you suspected that prods us into action to help warn those who still see the outward image that Doug carries so well, instead of the inner hypocrite we know him to be.
I want to be fair and say that Doug Phillips has taught us many wonderful things and has had a good impact in our lives spiritually in many ways. And I'm sure many of the readers here have benefited from Doug's teachings as well. So I am not encouraging anyone to throw the baby out with the bath water, but rather to beware of wolves in sheep's clothing.
Barbara, thanks for sharing how much God has used this situation in your life for good. I do know that God will use this in my family's life for good as well and I look forward to seeing what surprises God has in store for us as we submit to His leading in our lives.
May the Lord continue to bless you as you minister to others in need.
Posted by: Jen | January 8, 2007 8:56 PM
I can't imagine how much it hurts to have a church that was your "home" for so many years turn its back on you. The only way I can relate is when I moved back to my home state, I started attending the church from my childhood. The pastor remembered me (I went to the church school in elementary grades, and he was active with my family, I remember him visiting our house on several occasions). After we had been in town just a few weeks, I went to him with a problem - well, more of a question. He told me he wouldn't counsel me until I was a serious member of the church and he saw me there every Sunday. I was a little shocked, and told him I had been there. His answer? Yeah, but you sat in the back (ummm... yeah. I had a 2 yo, 1 yo, and nursing infant!).
I had only invested a few weeks here, but I was devastated and cried on and off for days - I can't describe how betrayed I felt!
It is truly a sad thing when the shepherds try to maim the flock.
May you be filled with God's mercy,
Lisa S.
Mama Says
Posted by: Milehimama | January 8, 2007 10:57 PM
Barbara, my church's structure is set up differently, so I've never dealt with what you did, but this: Three years later our son with Down syndrome was born. This was regarded by the church as evidence that we no longer had God’s favor. makes my heart hurt. How truly saddening that any church would make such an assertion.
But as you said, clearly they were wrong! You just have to look at your boys to know that. :)
Posted by: KatieButler | January 9, 2007 6:55 AM
Barbara,
Thank you for these two articles concerning Doug Phillips. I found them to be balanced in their genuine concern for Doug, his congregation, and the truth.
As you and any of your readers who have visited my wife’s website know, I do not receive very favorable treatment in the course of her expose. However, as I’ve publicly stated before, that is the consequence of my behavior. What I have found somewhat amazing is the number of Phillips’ supporters who have communicated to me (in one manner or another) their viewpoint that I am less than a man for allowing my wife to publicly or privately relate what happened to her at Boerne Christian Assembly. Of course, these attacks on my male ego are merely an attempt at manipulating me in hopes that somehow I would intervene in shutting down Jennifer’s website. However, as I’m sure you’ve surmised, this is not the only method these supporters used in their attempts to silence my wife.
Yet, despite what you and my wife have written, the most egregious aspect of this entire episode is the shunning of the children (in contravention to Deuteronomy 24:16). This is particularly distressing considering our youngest child suffers from Rett Syndrome. Despite her severe disabilities associated with Rett, my wife invested countless hours so our daughter could walk, eat without the help of a G-tube, and interact with others. Despite her inability to speak more than a few words, our daughter developed a favored method of communicating with people – she hugs them, which includes the smelly homeless veteran at the military hospital, etc. I am sure you can visualize the surprise and joy evoked in the soul of one who considers himself an untouchable when this beautiful child unabashedly throws her arms around a neck and kisses one on the cheek. This is just one of the gifts God bestowed on us through this loving child. Imagine, then, our shock when, after being excommunicated, a woman, who had been at our house too many times to number, pushed our daughter away as she attempted to hug her!
Did Doug Phillips instruct this woman to shun our youngest? I do not know. What is certain, however, is that Doug gave instructions to remove our eldest daughter’s prize winning essay from his website. Besides the lack of due process and biblical justification for the excommunication, this is the behavior that my wife and I find so toxic to the visible church.
Again, Barbara, thank you very much for encouraging your readers and reminding them that there are wolves in sheep’s clothing. Please continue to pray for our situation, particularly our reconciliation with Doug Phillips and Boerne Christian Assembly. My wife and I continue to pray for said reconciliation for the glory of God.
In His Love,
Mark Epstein
Posted by: Mark Epstein | January 9, 2007 8:23 AM
I am so encouraged that you were called to write at age 46! I have often felt like I might have something that needs to be said, but I am leaving that to God right now as I am busy raising my two children(I"m sure that seems miniscule to you ha-ha but it's a lot when it's your FIRST two). Anyway, I'm forty and often feel like life is passing me by rapidly, but I was just so encouraged by this entry!
Posted by: Marsha | January 9, 2007 1:53 PM
Our family went through this several years ago. One book that really helped me in recovery was "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse" by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen.
Another great resource for insight into this problem and for help is the website "Battered Sheep Ministry" (although I always picture deep-frying;):
www.batteredsheep.com
We copied one of their articles and sent it to the pastor and to several other members (present and former) of the church. There are only a few people left in that church but the devastation has been terrible, especially with the division of families. The pastor was removed from the Southern Baptist Assembly but continues to hold onto the building with the "remnant" that the faithful, now shunned, members funded and built.
Posted by: Sabine | January 9, 2007 3:43 PM
Barbara,
As I read this: "Even now, I am writing this out of obedience as it’s not the sort of thing I’m doing with my blog right now," two verses came to mind immediately.
First, Esther 4:14: "...And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"
Okay, yours is not a "royal" position, I know. *grin*
Secondly, Genesis 50:20: "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."
Again, not a direct parallel, obviously. But I cannot help but look at the circumstances the Lord either pre-arranged in your life, or allowed you to walk through (as I believe He does both at different times), that you may now encourage other hurting people.
Not one of our hurts is wasted. The Lord always uses them for greater good, and how He must delight in using the difficult circumstances through which you have been to minister to others. I don't mean to say we have to have gone through exactly the same the circumstances as they to minister to hurting people, but often there is no one better able to identify with them and tend to the pain they keep hidden than someone who has been through the very same waters!
So I see some of both Joseph and Esther in you. What evil was done by others (even if simply out of ignorance), was meant by God (again, whether orchestrated, or allowed by Him) to equip you for the work He wanted you to do for the kingdom's sake. And all those years you spent not doing kingdom work...the Lord was preparing you for "such a time as this."
I'm afraid I've rambled terribly...All that to say, even when you may step on toes by being obedient, I am glad you are obedient. Well done, good and faithful servant!
In Christ alone,
Kari
Posted by: Kari at HealedWaters.com | January 9, 2007 4:15 PM
Reading your story, Barbara, has been such an encouragement. The Lord has taken a bad situation and used it for your good and the good of all who are edified by hearing what you have learned. I am glad to see that more people are willing to tackle this very painful subject. Usually, a person going through such a situation, is suffering in silence and doesn't know where to turn.
I can totally relate to your description of people going in to talk to the Pastor and coming out with their brains scooped out and "group-think" implanted. I have seen the total turn-around in such individuals and it is truly scary. And I laughed because I have often related this to the Invasion of the Body Snatchers. When I see this happen, I call them the "pod people". It is like the scene in that movie where the dog (?) gets hit by a car and the pod people instantly know who has not been assimilated because the person screams in horror. People who have succumbed to this do not react with horror when horrible things happen.
I have my own story to tell and maybe someday I will maybe get up the "nerve" to tell it.
My advice is the same as the advice given in that movie: "Do not fall asleep." :-)
A person who thinks and who is strong and who asks questions is "marked" as a trouble-maker and rebellious. This is not what the Bible teaches.
Thank you!
Posted by: Corrie | January 9, 2007 4:58 PM
This could be a different topic, but it is a question my mind puts here.
You mentioned last time the Pearls, and what I associate with that name is Mrs. Pearl's book for wives. In it she emphasizes that the woman's main purpose is to help her husband fulfill his purposes.
I am a very supportive wife, and my husband has no complaints, but I have other goals (including writing fiction as a "profession") that have nothing to do with my husband's goals (he's not opposed to them).
Your talk today, with the warning of self-serving leaders (Or over-serving followers?) re-raised my discomfort with, and resistance to, the idea of making my husband my life.
The outright question for you, I suppose, is how do I make the distinction between the discomfort of conviction, and the discomfort of warning? I am thinking specifically of this marriage place.
(I don't mind if you want to move this if here's not a good place)
Posted by: Amy Jane | January 9, 2007 5:27 PM
I feel I need to answer Amy Jane, sort of. I have read Mrs. Pearl's book and it does support the wife being the husband's help meet, thus making him - her life. If you noticed through out the other materials that the Pearls have though, Mr Pearl specifically, they state that a good man blesses his wife as well. Mr. Pearl spent thousands of dollars publishing a book that the Mrs wrote back many years. I dont think they even sold any of them. My husband has listend to the "for men only" tape from the Pearls and says that anyone who thinks that the Pearls think less of women is simply ignorant. They promote both husband and wife blessing each other but through the Bible there is more responsibility placed on the wives (my words, not theirs). I only say this because it seems that you came away from reading the book thinking you can't have a writing interest and I don't think that they were saying that at all. I think in their view (and I am saying this from MY perspective of how they think) they place God/Jesus first, husband and wife second (for respective spouses) then children, then our own interest.
With all that said, now go write a good book that I would enjoy reading! There just are not that many good fiction anymore.
Mrs. Garcia
P.S. I am not one of "those" types who adore the Pearls but they have some great materials that I love and then they have some that I just don't use. It's the whole wheat and the chaff thing...
Posted by: Mrs. Garcia | January 9, 2007 8:53 PM
It's about time that we stop putting people on a pedestal. If someone teaches a good word on something, study it and ask God for understanding. If it lines up with scripture then you know it is the truth. If not, then disregard it. No one is completely right about everything. It has taken me a long time to learn this but I am learning it. God has brought it to my attention that it is time for me to sit down , re-examine the Bible and learn it for myself. We need to learn the scriptures for what they are and then live them. Stop relying on everyone else to tell you have to live. God is there for a reason. Ask HIM!
There is a reason that this happened to Jen and her family. I am thankful that she has shared it in such a Christ like way too. I think that this happened will help some people see that even those that the home schooling community looks up to can falter at some point. This is why we are to look to Him that create us. We can learn from His flock but do so with a discerning eye.
Thank you Jen for sharing your story. It was hard to read, for several reasons, but it helped me see that I needed to take off my rose colored glasses completely, not just for a select few preachers who share the Word.
Posted by: Mrs. Garcia | January 9, 2007 9:50 PM
I think that you might appreciate reading the Battered Sheep website. People can submit their stories of abuse. It can really help people to read that they are not alone and it can help people identify spiritual abuse that is happening in their churches.
Posted by: Rose | January 10, 2007 10:59 AM
I have only read the Pearl's child training manuals, and I remember my frustration when it did not work with my first child. However, it was later revealed that my eldest suffers from a mental disorder, and no one method worked. I revisited parts of it for my other children, and it is very helpful. I especially like Mr. Pearl's emphasis on tying heart strings and not being a dictator/tyrant but loving father (and mother). Other things just didn't work... like potty training our infants.
God gives us the gift of discernment for a reason.
(disclaimer - the kids are still pretty small, so I can't tell whether his methods live up to the claim of trouble free adolescence - but parts of his method are working for us now).
Posted by: Milehimama | January 10, 2007 2:58 PM
