January 19, 2007 7:50 AM
Eating problems in children - your input, please
You all have seen a small portion of everything I've wanted to write on since the New Year. The stomach flu (which my family is usually very resistant to) swept through our family knocking kids down like flies. Five of the eight at home got it. Mercifully, Tripp and I remained well.
Then there was keeping the two Big Boyz - home from college for almost five weeks (they went back to Liberty Wednesday, early because Ben had opera rehearsals) - busy on my redecorating projects.
Now all are well and I am at rest on home improvement, but dealing with a backlog of email. I'd love to just sit and write all day, but taking The Girlz (Sophia and Maddy) for checkups with the doctor (I got a call that they hadn't had them for a few years - my bad) and Jonny to get his blood drawn for lab work and the optometrist to get his glasses prescription filled.
I'm pooped just thinking about it (plus I've been staying up late finishing the Fifth Season of 24), and my mind is racing with all the news I need to share with you - post-its abound all around my computer screen.
So will you do something for me? Please tackle this problem for me. I know there's a lot of wisdom out there:
Hi Barbara,I emailed you this past summer after I read your book "The Mommy Manual" and since then I have picked up your other books (Love them all. My laundry room has never looked better now that I have made it a "sacred place"). In a nutshell, you have become someone I have a huge amount of respect for in terms of your honesty and your sincere enthusiasm for helping other moms (and dads) enjoy the parenting years. I have to tell you that I absolutely love being a mom. We have three children and would love to be blessed with another. It is in God's hands.
Here is my question (assuming you have the time to entertain this at all!). I have been around the block a hundred times with my middle son who is now six. He struggles with eating and
refuses to try anything new. He will not eat any veggies (and hasn't since he was a baby). He eats maybe two types of fruit and only sometimes. His key foods are milk, yogurt, cheese
pizza, peanut butter on toast (with jelly of course), raisin bran, and sometimes a grilled cheese sandwich. Of course, he eats treats of most kinds (amazing isn't it?). He almost seems afraid of anything that looks different. Repulsed is a better word given the expression on his face each night when I put dinner on the table.I am consulting his doctor in regards to allergies and lactose intolerance etc. but I was wondering if you have any "tricks of the trade" for helping children diversify their menu?
Barbara I know that I could easily spend $10,000 on a feeding specialist to help us with this situation. In fact, I have one lined up but for some reason I am hesitant to do this. I mean really, what did parents do before "feeding specialists"? It seems today that there is a "specialist" for each "problem" we may be having with our child and the trend is to "get them help immediately" - the younger the better. Why does everyone assume that as parents we are unqualified to solve even the most basic problems?.
Honestly, I believe other moms often have better answers than most professionals in many situations. So, I am coming to you as a mom asking another mom (yes, a somewhat "famous mom" I know, and I realize you probably get random questions all of the time, and how much time could you possibly have??).
If you have any advice or tips on helping kids eat better and with more variety - from a mom's experience and/or from your Montessori training - I would be more than grateful to hear from
you.Again, I cannot tell you how much I have enjoyed your books and your blogs on-line. You are a real inspiration. To summarize what I like the most about your books? "They work!"
Blessing and Happy New Year,
Wendy
My kids are waiting in the car. Wendy, I don't want you to have to wait another mionute for an answer. I can only say that with 12 kids, I've learned to relax and accept that some kids don't like certain things. We're not made from cookie cutters and our bodies have different needs.
As a child who was FORCED to eat stuff that made me gag, I could never force a child to eat anything. I never have. And all my kids have survived.
I mentioned Matt (22) was home at Christmas and turned up his nose as always at the egg casserole, but stuffed himself with bread. That's always been his way. He's fine and healthy.
Daniel only eats meat, fish and begetables - he does not like rice, potatoes, or pasta. Jesse is the opposite. Until we found that Jesse has celiac disease, I would put everything on their plates at dinner, then switch them halfway through. Funny, but it worked - everyone was full. Everyone was happy. Everyone was healthy.
(Now Jesse can't eat wheat/gluten - long story. But he has replaced that with a love of veggies.)
Really have to go - but knowI'm leaving you in the hands of some wise women: my readers.
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Comments
Wendy -- I have 8 kids, 4 of whom were adopted from foreign countries. When the adopted kids came home, most of them hated everything I put in front of them. I tried to make food like they were used to in their birth countries, but it just wasn't the same. They put their nose up to most everything. One child in particular, just cried when I put a plate of food in front of her! I asked my pediatrician, and he said that she wasn't going to starve -- just put whatever the family was eating in front of her, and let her eat what she wanted to. There were some nights that she literally ate nothing. We didn't make a big deal out of it -- the only rule was that she wasn't allowed to sit and cry at the table because that was not pleasant for the family. But I didn't force her to eat anything, and I didn't make special meals just for her and something separate for the rest of the family -- she was always served what we were eating. We always had fruit and healthy snacks available, and eventually she learned to eat the food we ate!
So, maybe that will help with your son? As a mom, I know, it's hard to sit and watch our children NOT eat, but I learned from my doctor and from my daughter that eventually children do learn to eat things that are good for them! Don't stress!! Remember Philippians 4:6-7!! ~ Beth
Posted by: Beth | January 19, 2007 9:15 AM
If I had a child this picky, I would put a small item of each menu item on a plate, and tell him he had to eat it, and if not, he would have to eat it at the next meal. I would cover it, put it in the fridge, and tell him that he can just eat it at the next meal.
This might take a day or two of hunger for him to eat his meal, but he *will* eat it eventually. He will not die.
I would treat every meal this way with this child, until he started eating his plate at meal time. Again, I'm talking extremely small portions. I think it would be important for the parent to realize they are helping their child overcome their pickiness.
This way will be hard for the parent (and probably hard for the child), but it's a whole lot quicker and cheaper than paying someone $10,000!!
Posted by: Agatha | January 19, 2007 9:36 AM
We have 6 children, all slim and fit, and we have always put a small amount (as in 1 tablespoon) of each food on all their plates. If they eat everything on their plates, they may get more of whatever they want. We do have a couple of picky eaters, but this seems to work. If they hate what is on their plate, they don't eat it, but they can't get more of anything else. If they want something else badly enough 1 tablespoon isn't that hard to swallow, so to speak. We don't nag or beg. They just know they won't be getting anything else until the next scheduled meal or snack time.
Posted by: Myfriendconnie | January 19, 2007 9:55 AM
I'd say take baby steps. In other words, he likes cheese pizza. What if you make your own cheese pizza with whole wheat dough? This is far far healthier. You can usually buy premade dough in the grocery store, even whole wheat. You can buy pizza sauce in cans or jars. You can buy preshredded cheese. This isn't hard. Then, you go buy baby puree carrots, or make them. Sneakily, you mix the puree into the sauce...are you getting my drift? As he accepts this, you can try getting more bold. Try "circle pizzas", my son loves these. Take whole wheat english muffins, add pizza sauce, add cheese, microwave, and voila! It's healthy!
Don't force. It will backfire always and make stuff worse. Dobson says to starve the kid till he eats what you want, and I think that may work with some kids, but really really stubborn kids will actually just starve themselves. I know my son would. Forcing kids I think causes grown up eating disorders.
My biggest thought is, like Barbara, let it go to a big extent. Is your son generally healthy? Can you get him to take a chewable vitamin? If so, then let it go for a few months, or try small steps like I illustrated with pizza. Stealth nutrition is okay. It could be that your son, ever since he was a baby, has sensed that this is a big concern of yours, and now it's become a power struggle. You might find in 6 months, or a year, or 4 years, he starts to, on his own, eat things you and the family eat. Meanwhile, just maintain stealth nutrition, baby steps, and the chewable mutlivitamin, and he'll be fine.
Don't despair. As a child, I ate mostly sweets, coca cola, snacks, meat, and dairy. Hardly any veggies. Hardly any whole grains.
When I hit college, I understood finally that I wasn't eating well, and now I have totally changed. I eat very litle sugar, few sweets, only whole grains, loads of veggies and fruit, etc. :) Hang in there!
Posted by: Jill (colicmommy) | January 19, 2007 9:55 AM
I've never made a big issue of eating with the kids; I guess I figure there are plenty of other hills I'd rather "die on" than that one. I once had a pediatrician counsel me that it was fruitless to make a big issue out of eating. Instead, he told us to offer healthful things, but don't force anything. If the kids don't eat their meal, I wrap it up and put it in the fridge. When they're "dying" for food 20 minutes later, I tell them they're welcome to have their dinner then. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. No biggie.
Just a thought--you sound pretty anxious about this (I don't fault you for that; I've been anxious about this issue myself before). Perhaps your child is picking up on this and is realizing he has some "power" over you on this? Perhaps if you could decide not to make a big deal of it, not stress out, not "beg" him to eat, you might be surprised at the response.
From the sound of it, I don't know that I'd recommend a feeding specialist. It sounds to me like your child is just a "normal" picky eater, not a child with a "problem" (I know, could I possibly be using any more quotation marks in this comment?). I think there's a decent chance he'll grow out of this to some degree.
My very best to you as you deal with it--I know it's tricky. Hang in there!
Posted by: Rocks in my Dryer | January 19, 2007 10:37 AM
I too have a child with "food issues". I actually took him to a therapist at age 5 thinking he had an eating disorder! He's 8 now.
My advice is to make the vegetables and fruit available - but don't force them to eat.
Cut out the milk consumption - kids who drink cup after cup of milk all day don't have a good appetite.
Sneak the veggies in. He likes treats - stop giving him prepackaged full of sugar ones.
Make pumpkin muffins, blueberry muffins, (and substitute unsweetened applesauce for the oil); make cookies but I use Craisins and walnuts instead of chocolate chips. Buy dried apple slices (they're really good!). Dried pineapples and bananas taste like candy.
Make pizza with tomato sauce, add grated or pureed carrots to the sauce. He'll never know! Grated carrots and zucchini can go in meatloaf.
Give him only yogurt with fruit - the kind you have to stir (not the fake flavored, colored, and super sugared Trix yogurt, or GoGurt). You could also add extra pureed fruit to the yogurt. Buy a bag of frozen berries (plain, not sugared). Thaw, put in the blender, and then freeze in ice cube trays. Then add them to his foods.
Letting my son help cook also helped him to expand his repertoire. He would eat the coleslaw - if he made it. He would eat an apple, if he got to use the apple cutter. Letting him make the food also helped with the "gross" factor - there weren't any surprises for him, he knew exactly how it was made, what was in it, and gave him control over the food.
Another thing that helped us was using "themes" to reintroduce foods. For example, we might have a 'green day'. We would wear green clothes, play with green playdoh, etc., and then for dinner, have green noodles (spinach fettucine) or spinach tortellini. We would have "apple day" or "circle day" (pineapple rings for a snack) and so on - and the healthy food was just a part of that day with other activities, not the focus.
The best advice I could give is to NOT make dinner time a battle ground. Introduce new things gradually. Stop eating prepackaged cookies, candy, etc. - at least everyday.
Posted by: Milehimama | January 19, 2007 11:39 AM
My daughter (17 months) has eating difficulties, too. You really should go to a feeding clinic, because there can be medical reasons why children don't want to eat well. Also, a feeding clinic can give you some invaluable tips on making meal time easier. That said, make sure meal times don't become a war. Don't get into a power struggle with your son over eating. Offer him healthy foods. If he doesn't eat what you offer, don't get stressed. Just remove the food and go about your day. At the next meal, offer more healthy food. Your child will probably only go a day or two without eating much if you don't offer him junk because you're afraid he's not eating enough. You can also make more bland foods more to his liking by adding spices, Ranch dressing, etc. I have more feeding tips here, although most of the tips are for babies: http://www.kristinaseleshanko.com/FeedingTips.htm Also, check out the links page for pages with more feeding tips and groups.
Posted by: Kristina | January 19, 2007 11:58 AM
I agree with the wise advice not to let him know it is a big deal. Somehow you need to not be anxious about it because children pick up on just about everything. (I know that is easier said than done). Maybe the allergy/intolerance testing will reveal some helpful info if it turns out he cannot tolerate all that dairy (lactose/casein) or the gluten. He sounds like he eats a lot like my son did until I found out he cannot tolerate those foods. He would walk around drinking milk and eating cheese all day if I let him. My best "trick" has always been to sneak in foods with foods that he loves.
Posted by: Honey | January 19, 2007 1:21 PM
I have a picky one who doesn't eat vegetables. It concerns me because he is also the child who always seems to catch every germ bug that comes around.
I am going to try juicing and sneaking in some supplements through that. I don't know if it will work yet but I know he loves juice so maybe!
Posted by: paigeu | January 19, 2007 1:21 PM
Dear Wendy,
There is some great advice here already. I really agree with the homemade pizza, muffins and vitamins. Honey, molasses and maple sugar are healthier than refined sugar to bake with etc. You could be really creative!! I came from a home where I had to eat everything on my plate. We were threatened with a spanking and then in later years we would have to eat it at the next meal- NOT FUN! I too would tell you to NOT WORRY about your son's nutrition. Just offer healthy foods, and let him eat what he will. It is healthy for children to be slim. I will just say that some foods seemed so disgusting to me as a child, but now I love all foods. I can see the value in having a child try a little of everything.
Here are a couple of other ideas that seem more positive than negative. Cut healthy food into neat shapes and give them fun names. Something like broccoli trees, carrot swords (this is a boy, right?:)) pepper boats etc. You can design foods on a plate that make images like rocket ships, dinosaurs and monsters. You could even tell a story about the THING on the plate. Next, you might consider dips for foods that aren't his favorites. You could make a bean dip (canned beans pureed in a blender with some broth to thin it and any seasonings he likes), guacamole, a tomato dip (like pizza sauce), and even a yogurt dip with plain yogurt and seasonings. Finally, perhaps an unusual plate might be extra fun. A boy might enjoy eating off of a frisbee, or a tray- my husband suggests lining a baseball glove with a clear plastic bag, and then using that as his dish! Neat!!
Posted by: Greta | January 19, 2007 1:42 PM
I am going to join the cacaphony.
1. Don't force feed. Stay in control.
2. Serve him a reasonable meal. If he doesn't eat it, tell him there will be no more food until the next meal.
THEN STICK TO THAT.
"some of the stubborn may indeed starve themselves to death?" No, they won't.
We can go without food of any kind for days and days. Your son will eat.
Posted by: Marie | January 19, 2007 1:44 PM
I admit that I don't have a child who is quite this picky, so I hesitate to offer advice. And mine is really nothing new, either. Mostly along the lines of the advice being offered here. But I figured I'd add my 2 cents anyway. It doesn't sound like he has a problem. He sounds normal to me. My first son is relatively picky. I don't ever force food on anyone. I think the key is to have lots of healthy options around, especially ones you know he likes. And do not keep the junk in the house. Then let him eat what he wants from what is available. I let my kids choose their b'fast and lunches and then I make dinner, and that's the only option. They can eat as much as they want of what they like and leave the rest. But I don't let them fill up on snacks beforehand. And I try to keep only healthy snacks around for the times they are allowed to stack (right after school they always want something.) If they are hungry after dinner, they can have fruit or yogurt. Hope this helps. Good luck!
Posted by: dcrmom | January 19, 2007 2:12 PM
Wow! I feel better already, and a little less anxious (I promise to work on this - women are so intuitive and clearly I didn't realize I was coming across this way until a few of you mentioned it!). I appreciate everyone's advice, and honesty about their own stuggles. I have taken away some great ideas and plan to start some of them tonight. Barbara, what a great community of moms you have created here. Thank you.
God Bless,
Wendy
Posted by: Wendy Cadeddu | January 19, 2007 4:28 PM
Hi, Wendy!
This one's really simple. Find a condiment that your child likes. Now find a food that can be dipped in it. When he's discovered the joy of dipping his food, start offering other choices of foods to dip and stuff to dip it in. That's usually my solution for younger picky eaters, but I don't see why it can't work for yours too.
Also, get him involved in cooking with you. Kids would much rather eat foods they make themselves.
Vida
Posted by: Vida | January 19, 2007 5:59 PM
We have done all the above with different children--we have 7. Our younger set is much more vocal about not wanting to eat even though the way we eat hasn't changed much. One day, in exasperation, I calmly told them 'good, more for me'. Oh my! Did that change things! A treat for mom, and she doesn't want to share--why it must be good. Now they love liverwurst among other things. So now if they comment they get told that or 'its for Daddy you'll have to ask if he wants to share' because there are foods he likes that I don't care for. Just a thought.
Stephanie
Posted by: Stephanie | January 19, 2007 6:14 PM
I have to agree w/ not making a big deal out of it. My 7 yo (soon to be 8)son is my picky eater. He does eat lots of fruits, but the only meat he'll eat is chicken and he'll only eat 2 veggies w/o complaining about it. I try to fix at least one thing every meal that I know he'll eat well and then have him try the other things. If he chooses not to eat them I just let him know that's all I have for dinner. Sometimes I will let him have a quick sandwich or yogurt, but I don't make him a whole other meal. I say keep offering "new to him" foods and find ways to add extra nutrition to the things he does like...and give him a good multivitamin. ;-) Good luck!
Posted by: Lari | January 19, 2007 7:05 PM
I agree with the other commenters who suggest not making a big deal out of it as long as he is growing and developing "normally" and his overall health is good. My almost three year old son was diagnosed as Failure to Thrive at one year of age and it took quite a while to separate out what was caused by food allergy (it turned out to be dairy), reflux and associated food aversion, and plain ol' pickiness. Both his dad (my husband) and his grandfather (my father) were legendarily picky eaters as children, so much so that stories persist three and six decades later! But they are both healthy adults now.
Once his allergy and reflux were both under control it took my son six months to learn to like eating in general but he is still "highly selective" (my joke PC talk for pickiness). But now that he is gaining weight normally for his age I don't worry. For breakfast and lunch I stick to offering foods I know he likes: white rice & butter, toast, pb&j sandwiches, scrambled eggs, some fruits, chocolate flavored rice milk. At dinner I make sure there is at least one item on the table that I know he likes. He is required to have a small amount of all the dinner items on his plate (he sometimes resists this but usually settles down if I let him tell me where to put them) but it is up to him what to eat. He has (non-dairy) ice cream or cookies most days, but only as a dessert or snack after a regular meal has been eaten. I do make sure he takes a multi-vitamin each day. It has been hard for me to accept his pickiness because I was raised with the idea that it is one's job to eat a variety of healthy foods regardless of one's preferences. But I am learning to better respect his (and my husband's) strong food preferences and also to not feel guilty for never having liked fresh tomatoes!
One thing we did realize recently is that we have fallen into giving more attention for not eating than for eating. So we are retraining ourselves to ignore when he sits at the table without eating or says he doesn't like something and to resist hand-feeding him and to give attention and praise when he feeds himself or is enthusiastic about his meal. If he says he is done without eating much we ask if he is ready for us to put (or throw) his leftover food away, usually if he is just goofing around that will get his attention. We are starting to teach him that he must ask to be excused.
It can be very hard to be patient with yourself and your child when friends, family, strangers and even doctors imply it is your job to make your child eat or to eat certain foods. I highly recommend the book "Feeding with Love and Concern." It's a long book with lots of examples but it boils down to "the parents' job is to offer nutritious, tasty food; the child's job is to decide what and how much to eat." I'd also add that the ultimate test of health is not what children do or do not eat but whether their physical growth and intellectual development continue to move forward.
Posted by: Alison | January 20, 2007 6:23 PM
Some parenting authors say that if you save the unwanted food and withold other food until he eats it, that the child WILL eventually eat it and won't starve. I can tell you from experience this is not true. Unfortunately, I cannot go into detail here. It may be true for most kids, but not all.
Posted by: Marni | January 22, 2007 2:40 PM
I think our mothering instincs and wanting our child's needs to be met and not wanting them to starve is keeping us from realizing that not obeying Mom about what to eat isn't any different from not obeying Mom about any other thing. Unless the child has an allergy or health reason to not eat a specific food, there is no reason for them to disobey.
It is true, though, that you cannot force feed your kids for the simple reason that they may not be hungry at that time. I completely agree with the post that said to give them a very little amount (2-5 bites, depending on age) of each thing and keep taking the plate out of the fridge until it's gone. My mom used that method.
Parents know what is best for their kids, and kids are often very skilled at controlling their parents. This is one battle that many children have learned they can win. Wouldn't you eat sweets & carbs all the time if there weren't any consequences for it? My mom making me eat vegetables is the sole reason that I like most of them today. The only one I won't eat to this day is corn, and that's bc a Dr. told my mom it was bad for me when I was little bc of stomach problems. Parents can cause many health problems in their kids by not winning this battle.
Outlast him. If you give in, it will just make it worse.
Posted by: Dee | January 28, 2007 11:33 PM
