January 8, 2007 3:17 PM
Extracurricular activities - finding the balance
From a reader:
Dear Barbara, First of all let me say thank you for your blog! It has been such a blessing to me for quite awhile now, and I feel so encouraged whenever I read it. I do have a question for you though. I wanted to ask someone who surely must have experience in this area!My husband and I have been feeling drained by all the activities that we and our children are involved in. (four kids, ages 13,10,7, 5 all homeschooled) Even though each child only has 1 extracurricular activity, the girls take dance the boys karate, when you multiply that times 4 that means several hours a week at lessons and driving back and forth....not to mention several thousand dollars a year in tuition and expenses. I guess my question is, is it really necessary for kids to "have" an activity outside the home? Are the benefits worth the costs in time away from family and money? I feel guilty taking them out of their activities. I don't want to deprive them. I also might add that we have been praying for sometime about adopting so that would mean more activities for another child. I hope I don't sound like a horrible parent but couldn't it be alright just to be home and be kids?! Of course church activities are something completely different.
Thanks for any input you have.
Blessings to you and your family,
Danielle, Tennessee
Briefly from me, then more from my readers (who have done such a good job lately with questions on co-sleeping and what to call stepchildren :) -
We've had some discussion here before about personality types (according to the Myers-Briggs test) and mothering styles - what is comfortable for one might not be fore another. As an extrovert - and now having lost weight with energy to burn - I love having a full schedule and shuttling kids to their activities. I can see how it would be extremely difficult for someone who needed more quiet time.
I've always loved driving places with the kids in the car and the conversations, singing, listening to music that goes on when you're in such close quarters. Our schedules are usually full.
The biggest problem with lots of kids is when the schedules get staggered, dinnertime has to be more flexible. Because I'm committed to sitting down to dinner every night together, that means dinner can be anywhere from 4:30 to 7:30 at our house - depending on when everyone (or most of us) will be home.
It helps now that I have a teenage driver to help out with the driving.
We also need to be aware that our children may not have the same personality type as we do. An introvert mom may need to stretch her limits to make sure an extrovert daughter has as much stimulation as she needs. An extrovert mom may need to notice that for some of her children, quiet time is more important than activities.
So - this is where it is such a blessing to be able to appeal to others for their input. I am just one mom. There are others out there with different personalities, mothering styles, and experiences - and we need to hear from each other. God didn't make us - or our children or our families - from cookie cutters (which is why aggessive religious systems akways have fallout when they meet with people who just can't "fit in").
There's a lot of wisdom out there - so hoping for some readers to share :)
Posted in Big families, Family, Homeschooling, Mothering | Permalink
Comments
Hi Barbara,
My kids aren't in any activities, but this is what my mom did (she had 8 kids).
We could sign up for things - if we could get a ride. She would commit to one, maybe 2 trips a month max. We had to arrange a carpool with our friends and work out which day each month would be her day.
I was in dance class (paid with my allowance, I was 11, 12, and 13) and several other activities (I guess I'm an extrovert!), but I was responsible for finding *responsible* transportation my mom approved of. Also, none of my siblings really started extra activities until 8th grade or so. I was in Brownies in elementary school, but the leader lived two houses down so we walked (plus all my friends went too).
I think it helped develop my friendships more, also - instead of just seeing a girl at dance class once a week, we would ride in the car together, I would know her mom, we would talk and spend more time doing "hanging out real life" stuff and it made my friendships deeper. Plus, once a month or so, my mom spent some time with my friends, and I think it made her better able to discern if our friendship was good for me, whether she felt comfortable with me spending the night for a slumber party, etc.
Posted by: Milehimama | January 8, 2007 5:12 PM
Barbara! Thank you for posting this!!! What an excellent question, and one that my DH and I are still thinking about!
I would HIGHLY reccomend Kevin Leman's book " Homecourt Advantage" which tackles this issue pretty directly....... He recommends one activity per semester, but I don't recall him mentioning how to handle multiple children? Recently, though, my mom heard a suggestion on christian radio about having everyone pick one activity that everyone goes to at the same time, and the periodically switching...? I am not sure how that works out if the boys don't like dance and the girls don't like football??? I have all boys at this point, but I don't think that guarantees that they will all like the same thing...........
Seems to me that this should be a big matter of prayer........ It's also a marriage issue if these activities are taking away from " couple time"........
I hope my rambling made sense........
Posted by: Lisa | January 8, 2007 7:32 PM
I have five children, and I have always tried to keep our schedules fairly simple. I used to have a one-activity-per-child rule, but for a time I broke that so some of ours could take piano. Around here, it tends to depend on the season as to who is doing what.
Being an introvert myself, I would love to just hole up in the house in the afternoons--my kids are in school all day, so I love that time with just us here. But that isn't best for all of my kids. One (my 16-year-old who has Down syndrome) needs the athletic activity to keep him fit, as well as the social interaction. Another is very extroverted, and if he is not in an activity, he is roaming around trying to find one! Yet another son tends to be an introvert, and I am always happy to see him involved in sports because it forces him to stretch himself and learn social skills that are less natural for him.
The way I have helped my own mental attitude is by accepting that my "job" from about 3-6 in the evening is driving the car. If I get to be home during that time, it is a bonus! And since some of mine are old enough to babysit, I can often get out with just one or two kids, and that time in the car gives me a chance to interact on a more personal level than I often get in a big family.
Good question--I can't wait to hear other responses to this from other moms!
Posted by: chewymom | January 8, 2007 8:11 PM
An example of all kids getting involved in one activity:
My 12 year old signed up for Little League. My 15 year old was an assistant coach for the team. My two daughters attended and cheered at most games, even getting to sit in the dugout.
My 9 year old goes to the park to play tennis with me once a week (our version of tennis lessons). My 12 year old comes and plays along.
Posted by: Marie | January 8, 2007 8:56 PM
Here is my 2 cents worth,
We are the proud parents to 5 children ages 14 through 4. 4 of the children participate in sport and church activities. We are busy 7 days a week but it's limited to a couple of hours each evening. None of our children partipate in activites after school as this is time for homework and just talking about their schoolday. We eat early each day together at 4:30 pm.
Here's our weekly schedule as a lot of activities are at the same time so less time spent away!
Monday - Melanie(12) swimming 5:30 to 7pm
Julian(10) catechism 6 - 7 pm
Sebastian(14) workout at gym 6-7pm
Tuesday - Julian (10) Taekwondo 6-8pm
Sebastian (14) workout at gym 6-7pm
Emily(7) catechism 6-7pm
Wednesday - Melanie(12)swimming 5:30 - 7pm
Sebastian(14) workout at gym 6-7pm
Thursday - Julian (10) Taekwondo 6-7pm
Melanie(12) 5:30-7pm volunteer SPCA
Sebastian(14) workout at gym 6-7pm
Friday - Melanie(12)swimming 5:30-7pm
Sebastian(14)workout at gym 6-7pm
Saturday - Julian(10)Taekwondo 9-11 am
Emily(7)swimming 3:30-4:30pm
Melanie & Sebastian deliver Sears catalogues for about 4 hours every 2 weeks for extra money (about 430 houses) Hubby drives with them.
Sunday - mass at 10:30 each week and we actively participate in the liturgy. Oldest son does readings, oldest daughter and second son serve mass, I give communion and also welcome everyone and do the intentions. Hubby gives communion and also does readings.
3-4:30 pm Melanie(12) volunteers at SPCA
3:30-4:30 Emily(7) does swimming
6:30 to 8pm - I teach grade 7 catechism which includes oldest daughter Melanie (october-november then february-march to mid april only)
So, as you can see, our children are very active but most activities are limited to a 2 hour block each evening which makes it quite easy to manage during the school year. You cannot be shy about asking for certain times and people will accomodate, especially when you have a larger family!
Hope this helps,
Charlene
Mom to 5
Posted by: Charlene | January 8, 2007 9:26 PM
I'm glad to hear that each child only needs one activity per semester. My daughter has so many interests that I keep thinking of the other classes she COULD be taking -- she loves art, dance, gymnastics, choir, photography...
Right now my kids are all involved in Awana. It's boys and girls, and they have classes for my 8, 7, 4, and 3 year olds all at the same time in the same place on the same night. They also get to play with their friends on Tuesday nights when daddy and I have Bible study with said friends' parents, but that's pretty much it as far as organized activities.
Posted by: Michelle | January 8, 2007 9:41 PM
