January 1, 2007 5:02 PM
Mothering SOS
This reader has asked me to post our correspondence so she can get your input.
Hi Barbara,I have been reading your blog on and off over the last few months and am always very encouraged by your writing. Thank you for sharing your experiences with raising your wonderful children. I'm writing to you tonight because I'm at the end of my proverbial rope with my son, Zechariah, age 31 months. He is extremely intelligent, funny, active, amazing, and kind. He also has fits of intense rage, anger, and nastiness. He can cry for hours over the slightest thing and he has a memory like a steel trap. I have a 10-month old daughter, Lucy, and Zechariah loves her one minute and tries to beat her the next. We've recently moved to a new area, away from church, friends, family. Ironically enough, we're working for the same church my husband and I worked for a few years ago, and in a city where he & I lived for 3 years. We love our son, but neither one of us knows what to do with him anymore.
He does not listen and is determined that he will do everything by himself. When we give him appropriate independence, he takes it gladly. If we don't let him do something, he freaks out, screams, cries, and has a major screaming fit. If a situation doesn't occur as he thinks it should, forget it! I can tell what type of day we'll have together by 5 minutes after he wakes up. I need help to know what to do! I come from a home where the primary means of discipline were yelling and physical violence. My parents became Christians when I was 5, but still had anger issues. I see myself resorting to yelling and spanking when Zechariah ignores me, flat our refuses to do what I've asked, etc. His behavior is escalating and I feel like I'm losing my little man. I want to have a great relationship with him and was looking forward to homeschooling him, but now I wonder if I should just give that idea up entirely. I was a Children's Pastor for 6 years and have an education degree, but am at a complete loss when it comes to my own son.
I appreciate any advice you have! Thank you.
Sincerely,
Lisa
Mom to Zechariah 2 1/2 and Lucy 10 months
You all know I have books that will fill in a lot of these gaps, but it takes time to read a book, so I like to ask a few questions to possibly start breaking up the logjam:
Dear Lisa -Are you thinking that your son might be beyond the normal spectrum? Are you thinking he may need an evaluation?
Have you asked friends or family who've observed your son’s behavior and your interaction with him for any feedback? Part of learning to parent is just that - learning :)
What discipline books have you read? I like Dr. William Sears and James Dobson.
Have you tried an unexpected response - hugging your son and whispering you love him? Singing to him? Whispering so he has to be quiet to hear you?
Have you tried sequencing: First we_______, then we will__________.
Are you consistent? Do you lose your temper? I do believe in spanking for deliberate defiance, but it can't be done in anger. Dr.Dobson gives a good strategy.
Prayer can do amazing things....
I think you're wise to want to deal with this now rather than later.
Do you want me to publish your email at my blog for more input?
Love,
Barbara
Lisa wrote back:
Hi Barbara,Thank you for your quick response! I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply. Zechariah was admitted to the hospital overnight on Christmas Eve because of dehydration from stomach flu. He is feeling much better now!
To answer your questions:
I know that he is extremely intelligent. I sometimes wonder if he has autism, but everything I read tends to steer me away from that. He is THE strong willed child. I haven't read Dr. Dobson's book yet, but it has been recommended often.
My husband and I are not consistent. We have both been very involved in work at the churches we have served and the "ministry lifestyle" and our own laziness has led to inconsistency on our part. We instituted a no-shouting rule the other day. We found that we were ALL shouting at each other, about everything and anything. We simply told the children that our family does not shout. We are working on helping each other to stick to that.I would appreciate you posting my message on your blog when you get a chance. Any ideas people have would be greatly appreciated. So often I feel like a terrible mother. I worked full-time in Children's Ministry for 7 years and have an Education degree. I love children. I love my children. I left my job in August so that I could stay home full-time. I want to be a good mom. And yet, I find myself wondering if I'm really able to handle being with my own children all day. Maybe they would be better off with a sitter. I know that's not true, but given how Zechariah behaves, or doesn't behave... I feel so inadequate. My own mother is not a good role model and I've never really had anyone around for help. I love my kids. I want to be a great mom. I need help! Thank you Barbara. Your blog has been such a great start for me!
Lisa
Lisa, please know that this may be the bottom you need to start working your way up. I know that sounds weird, but part of being a good mother is acknowledging our utter dependence on God to help us understand, love, and raise the children he has given us.
I am so glad you found this little community of moms, because time after time I have seen questions posted here strike a chord with many other moms - some who have the same questions and others who know just the right answer.
Posted in Mothering, Toddlers | Permalink
Comments
I had a very strong-willed son (he's now an Air Force officer, and quite normal but always will be stubborn!). At one time I could recite entire paragraphs out of Dr. Dobson's "Strong-Willed Child". All I can say, it saved my sanity. Consistency is the key. Hang in there!!!
Posted by: Betty | January 1, 2007 6:05 PM
Hi Lisa,
I have a 2 year old who wants to help with EVERYTHING. I have learned that I need to find a way to involve him or his behavior changes to anger/frustration. When I find something for him to DO so he feels useful (and like a big boy) he is SO SWEET. Sometimes when I am in a hurry or cooking on the hot stove, I forget and try to get him to go play at a distance, but life is always sweeter for us all when he is made to feel helpful and involved in what I am doing.
Posted by: Honey | January 1, 2007 7:42 PM
Hello--my DD is 28 months & sounds like she's a lot like your DS. It is SO hard to be consistent. Believe me. I know. To me, it sounds like you are still in an adjustment period. You have only been a full time mom for 4 months; you need to give yourself and your family time to adjust! Good job on your no shouting rule! I grew up in a home like your home of origin & it is SO easy to slip into what we've been used to. Feel free to contact me anytime! I'm glad that Z is feeling better now & I hope you have a wonderful new year--p.s. We ALL feel inadequate!
Posted by: Jessica | January 1, 2007 9:12 PM
Hi Lisa,
I am a mom of 8, two of whom are extremely strong willed. It can be really tough. One of my mothering mantras has been, "Do not be weary in well doing, for in due time you will reap a reward if you do not faint along the way."
It seems logical that we should be able to tell children something a time or two and have the learn it. But, really, mothering takes years of repetition, and steady hammering on the ame lessons. Over and over and over. A three year old still has many more years to learn those important lessons, so don't feel discouraged that he is still very much a work in progress.
Consistency is a big key. It helps us to know what consequence is going to happen with each offense. Then give him the consequence on the very first offense! Sometimes we think giving kids 'one more chance' is mercy. No. It is sanctioning misbehavior.
I agree with Barbara that spanking can be reasonable in the case of obvious blatant defiance. Other consequences I use with little ones that you could try include sentencing him to a nap, or have him wipe up the kitchen floor with a wet rag, or fold washclothes, or even run up and down the stairs 5 times. You have to try different thing and discover what has the most impact on your particular child. the biggest thing is t make sure something negative happens with EACH offense.
If you feel your time is too fragmented by your commitments, you might consider scaling back your involvement in your church as you work with him diligently for awhile. You may find some help in "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Foster Cline. Also, don't forget the power of humor and fun in parenting. You will have the most inflouence on your child if you can make the relationship strong.
All the best!
Mary, mom to many
Posted by: owlhaven | January 1, 2007 10:41 PM
One comment that struck me was "We have both been very involved in work at the churches we have served and the "ministry lifestyle" and our own laziness has led to inconsistency on our part".
My dad is a Pastor and my mom has always worked very hard right next to him; they founded about twenty Churches and many people were saved thanks to their ministry, but we suffered greatly at home; there was no consistency, no dedication, and very little compassion and love; I don't doubt they loved us, is just that after all was said and done at Church, there was very little left of them to care for five little children. Today, at their early sixties, they both had expressed that they regret making ministry their first priority.
I don't know your situation, but I encourage you to make home and mothering your kids your first priority; if you have been in ministry for a very long time it might be hard for you to imagine your life without it, but I believe God has called you at an even higher ministry when He gave you two little precious kids to raise.
I was a very strong willed child and very rebelious too, but I remember many times when all I wanted my mom to do was to hug me and make me feel important; instead I got a spanking or a yelling session, because she was too busy or in a hurry to do something Church related.
I am a mother now and I know and understand her struggles much better now than I did when I was growing up, but the notion that many times we were pushed aside in the name of ministry is still a little hurting for me, perhaps for all of us, including my parents.
I am in no way sugesting that this is what you are doing, I am only trying to share with you the feelings that stired in my heart when I read your comment regarding your involvement in ministry. I pray God will lead you to find the right balance in all you do and to recover the joy in you and your little one. Blessings to you and your family.
Posted by: LadyLovas | January 2, 2007 1:12 AM
I'm not sure I agree with the spanking part. My husband and I found out when we spanked at the beginning of our parenting, our boys got more physical. They see what we do and do it themselves. I'd much rather them copy me doing something no so physical. I know all children are different but because I am so unsure of spanking we don't do it and things are working better. This said, I should mention my boys are 3, 6 and 8.
Posted by: janet | January 2, 2007 8:30 AM
Someone just recently recommended a book "Don't make me count to three" by Ginger Plowman. I've only ready about half of it, but it's SOOOO good. It's written specifically to mommies about reaching your childs heart for obedience. The Lord has used the book already to change how I respond and parent my two boys (6&7).
Much of the book is based on Tedd Tripps's "Shepherding a Child's Heart", although the first book is much more practical application.
I've also read Dobson's "Bringing Up Boys" - well worth the time.
I hope this helps!
As for the spanking issue- it's commanded in scripture "He who spares the rod, hates his son, but he who loves him, corrects him quickly"
Proverbs 13:24
Praying for you!
Posted by: JPeters | January 2, 2007 9:33 AM
Lisa,
I just want to give you a big hug right now! Your son sounds just like my oldest. We had sooo many power struggles when he was younger, none of which were at all necessary. He was stubborn, and I was determined to out-stubborn him, because I thought I had to show him who was in charge. I found, later, that many of his behavior problems were really mine. I was doing everything so wrong! It wasn't for lack of trying, by any means. I just was doing exactly what my own mother would have. It's very difficult to admit that you need help, but that's what I did, and have done, over and over. I constantly slip up, and I apologize to him, and keep trying. I think of what Barbara wrote in one of her books about baby steps, that goofy smile when a baby falls down and picks himself right back up to keep going. That's what I'm doing. Bless you, and anytime you want to email me, feel free.
Posted by: Vida | January 2, 2007 11:05 AM
for Lisa-
My daughter had many bouts of sadness, temper tantrums, melt downs etc. In my heart I suspected it was physiological. I was right, she has a metabolic disease that greatly affects her moods. Many young children, especially those who have had tummy aches, fatigue and other chemical unbalances since birth, compensate and dont know how to describe how they feel, so they act out instead. Please make sure your child has a complete physical examination with metabolic testing ( labs) and also keep track of your childs diet. It may seem like overkill, but it should be first thing you eliminate. It could also explain frequent illness if that is an issue.
I thought Barbaras reply of advice was perfect. There is a book I read, cannot recall the name , about spending floor time with your child. On the floor playing every day. Both parents. Start with 10 minute increments building up to 45 min. per day ( total) Let your child lead the play, You affirm his choices of play and participate. It strengthens the relationship and you may find he is more attentive to your word and cooperative. I found this to be true with my daughter. Whenever she starts acting up a bit, I put the floor time on my calendar again as a reminder, but I be sure to do this each and every day. Reading books, cuddle time etc- does go a long way to building effective communication.
good luck-
suzanne
www.specialneedsmom.com
Posted by: suzanne | January 2, 2007 6:16 PM
This may be a little late and therefore unnoticed, but the If-Then Chart has really helped in my consistency. My three year old will "break a rule" (like whining), and I'll say, "Ok, precious, let's go look at the chart and see what will happen if you continue to whine" (yes I give her a chance to change her behavior). That way she knows what is expected of her, and *I* know what is expected of me if she continues to disobey. It has really helped my consistency with my 6 & 3 year olds.
Posted by: Bonnie | January 2, 2007 10:54 PM
this could be me. This is my son, to a t. he's 34 months old. I often wonder if he's autistic, as he sometimes seems to be. he ignores, he's defiant. He has an older sister who is highly influential, and she's out of control.
I yell a lot. I use time out. Only spank when truly necessary. I'm at my wits' end too.
I've read Dobson's "Strong Willed Child" and am re-reading it. I've read Dobson's "Bringing up Boys". But my husband doesn't like to read books and doesn't follow the same disciplinary level I do. Inconsistency is a constant (is that an oxymoron, constant inconsistency?)
I've charted, I've cried, and I've threatened to leave (that's one thing I won't do, so I should stop saying that).
So whatever advice people are offering to Lisa, I'm all ears!
Posted by: Linda | January 3, 2007 10:25 AM
Lisa,
I second both Parenting with Love and Logic!! (have met and LOVE Foster Cline!) and looking into any health/psychological concerns that might be adding to this conflict, if you think that's in question. You will be glad you did, if there IS something, and it will eliminate a worry in the back of your mind even if there isn't!!
I have 5 children and have been parenting adopted twins with severe behavior issues for over 8 years now (we've made it to 13!). Even with a heart full of love and compassion, and the understanding of a good reason for their behavior issues, it HAS been exhausting!!! Prayer is tantamount, not only on your son's behalf and for your own understanding, wisdom and strength, but find a few close friends that are true prayer warriors and ask them to pray for YOU, too!!! Parenting a challenging child is a burden that must often be shared, don't be afraid to ask, it DOES NOT mean that your weak, or not a good enough mom!!
As for being new to staying at home, don't take lightly the transition that that is for you, either. It is a very different way of life, and can be as challenging as it is wonderful! Remember daily to look for the little things to find joy in as well as the (less-frequent) big ones--once you start, it will get easier to find them, and they will often sustain you! If you can't find any "today", then look back at recent ones, and know there will be more in the future, so hang on!!
Another thing that might help, both as a mom parenting a child with extra behavioral needs, and in the midst of stay-at-home transition, is to find/make a time each week or few days to have be away from parenting doing something you enjoy, or even just to relax. Not only will it give you a break, which you probably physically and mentally NEED, but if it something that is scheduled regularly, then it gives you something to look forward to each week! Mind you do your very best to make it a very solid (things or people to fall back on if needed) plan, so that it cannot be cancelled by anything but true emergency kid needs!!
Many blessings-
Rebecca
Posted by: Rebecca B | January 3, 2007 12:43 PM
This sounds just like my oldest, who is now 6. A couple things that helped...Consistency, diet (she was sensitive to artificial dyes, chocolate, sugar)...But how I can identify with your frustration. I remember sobbing during the toddler years, "She is stronger than me!" I've rarely seen such a strong will. This might sound simplistic, but my top advice would be to fervently pray for your son's salvation at an early age. I don't mean pray that he will say a sinner's prayer and go on his merry way, but that he will understand his need to make Jesus his boss. My dd made the decision to follow Jesus in February, and I can honestly say I haven't seen many adults turn around as drastically as she has. We know she got the real deal! She is such a joy now, with such a sweet and tender heart. Not the same kid. Behaviorism might get you through the day, but Jesus can change the heart forever.
Blessings!
Posted by: CharityGrace | January 3, 2007 2:05 PM
A "tip" on the spanking...
If your family chooses to spank, then, spank.
Don't leave it as a last ditch effort, when you are at your wits end, and the yelling, screaming, and escalating have gone on way to long. Don't wait until it's your "last resort" and you don't know what else to do.
If a spanking is going to be the consequence, then adminster the consequence - calmly, firmly, and CONSISTENTLY. Maybe give ONE warning... but don't nag about it..."I mean it!" "I'm counting!" "You better stop" "I'm gonna get to three!" and on and on and on.
Generally, with normal, healthy children, the behavior will get more intense (does Mommy really mean it?), then it will taper off.
Kids think its fun to make Mommy lose her temper.
Posted by: Milehimama | January 3, 2007 5:25 PM
Hi Lisa:
I just learned a lot in reading all the comments before mine! My sons are 20 months apart; the older one is three years and eight months and my younger just turned two. It was comforting to read how many mothers are struggling with the same type of behavior from their kids- I have had some help with a book by Mary Ann Budnik, "Raise Happy Children...Teach Them Virtues!" She does a good job categorizing different personality types of kids to give you an inside edge on what kinds of things work and don't work for them. She also notes particular needs/virtues to work on for kids of each personality type.
On a practical note, however, I have had some success with being very measured in my tone to my son. I complained to my husband that I'm tired of every problem coming down to a change in me to reach a solution, but measuring my tone has worked some. My son seems to react in kind to whatever is sent his way- but in a concentrated form. Example: I feel I am _mildly_ irritated with him and he responds with a reaction that would suggest I just screamed violently at him. I guess that is the way he hears it. I, too, grew up in a very angry household and it is frustrating to constantly fight the natural urge to react with anger, but the hard work to stay calm has helped.
I liked the advice of the woman who suggested getting your child involved in helping you around the house. My son is never so sweet as when he is proudly helping me. Good luck! Melissa
Posted by: melissa | January 4, 2007 2:30 PM
