January 1, 2007 3:38 PM
Starting the year with forgiveness
Doug Phillips at the Vision Forum recently wrote Three of the Most Important Things You Can Do at this Time of Year. It's worth printing out for your husband to read to the family. I especially like what he says about forgiveness:
In the course of a year, it is possible to build up many offenses and personal grievances at others. Left unaddressed, these grievances fester and grow. They turn the heart black and the body weak. They foster a spirit of vengeance and misguided self-righteousness. The short of it is this: Unforgiveness leads to bitterness. Bitterness curdles the mind and the spirit.Fresh starts and new years should begin with forgiveness for others. Having a genuine spirit of forgiveness towards those who have wronged us is a mark of biblical Christianity. It is an evidence that we have been redeemed, and that we are praying lawfully: “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors” (Matthew 6:12).
Successful Christians are men and women who are free from bitterness. They have learned the principle modeled by our Lord Jesus Christ who, while suffering death at the hands of people he had never wronged, was able to say “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:24).
.. . Most painful and difficult for many to forgive is betrayal and dishonor. But that is a mistake. Betrayal and dishonor probably exist in the lives of most men. And why should any Christian be denied in their lives what past generations of Christians — and our Lord and Savior Himself — patiently endured? To our shame, most of us have been on both sides of that coin. From a son’s perspective, however, it is highly instructive to watch a father act honorably in the midst of such conflict. It has been a great blessing in my own life to observe my father nobly respond even in the face of barbs from former allies and friends, once loved and nurtured by him.
Eternally optimistic, Dad would always say: “Never be bitter. Life is too short. Thank God for your blessings. Press on!”
Bitterness comes from being unwilling to forgive. Bitter people are small people. They are unsuccessful people. They are people who cannot move forward. They are people who believe that the personal wrongs against them are so great that they — the offended — are entitled to do to their offenders what they pray the Lord Jesus Christ will never do to them: refuse to forgive.
Here is my recommendation: Think through every grief, minor and major, caused by others to you in the year 2006. Now add to the list any other personal offenses that continue to linger from past years. Write these down as bullets on a sheet of paper.
The first thing you will likely realize is just how many offenses are polluting your thought life and, probably, your spirit. This is a sign of latent bitterness. Bitterness will kill you. It renders you completely ineffective.
Now prayerfully walk through the list — bullet, by bullet. With each offense, remind yourself that the most despicable action taken against you by another utterly (and infinitely) pales in comparison to the least of your offenses against the Lord Jesus Christ.
And yet He has forgiven you.
Before 2007 begins, adopt a spirit of forgiveness towards your insensitive friends as well as your hateful enemies. Forgive your imperfect father for whatever it is you need to forgive him for (and pray to the Lord that your own children someday forgive you for your failures). Quit devoting untold precious hours to commiseration, mental replay of the wrongs done, and thoughts about just how badly you were wronged. Stop blaming everybody but you for your problems. Look to yourself. Once you start chronicling your own sinful attitudes and crimes against God and man, you simply won’t have time to worry about the wrongs done to you. You will stop being bitter, and you will start being thankful.
Wipe the slate clean. “Press on.” Forgive.
I agree completely. People who can't forgive are like prisoners in chains (Jacob Marley in A Christmas Carol?) The sad thing is that like all sin, their sin divides and hurts a lot of innocent people.
We need to pass on to our children:
The ability to see their mistakes
The art of apology - (see more here)
The capacity to forgive
I know when I cast my crowns before my Heavenly Father, it's not my kids' education or achivement that will be among them, but anything I might have done to contribute to their spiritual and emotional health. And one of the best things I can do is to keep growing spiritually myself.
I have a feeling this will be a wonderful year!
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Comments
Thank you, Barbara, for posting this! It is so good to hear. It is something God has always shown me throughout my life because I am usually optimistic (and then stunned when someone willfully hurts/uses another). This past year, God has really worked in my heart, and today I have seen the fruit-just a tiny start to a new beginning in my heart. Forgivness, healing, and restoration. :) Beautiful!
Posted by: Honey | January 1, 2007 7:51 PM
Doug writes such good things. It's all true what he says about forgiveness. I know it all from personal experience.
Barbara what I don't understand though is all these stories now surfacing about Doug Phillips and his own obvious problems with unforgiveness and personal vendettas against the Epsteins. Have you heard these things? It sounds awful. Is this another case of physician heal thyself?
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Posted by: Melissa | January 6, 2007 9:13 AM
Dear Melissa -
You weren't the only one to give me a heads-up about this situation. I have researched it and am left wondering why Doug Phillips has not taken his own advice. I see it over and over again that people with the energy to accomplish great things for the Body of Christ somehow become blind to their own spiritual pride and begin harming others.
I left the following comment at JensGems:
Dear Jen:
It has taken me several days, but I have read through your testimony - yes, it is a testimony, and an important one for other Christians to read - and I am so sorry for the pain you have suffered.
My husband and I were involved with a church which we originally thought was morally superior to other churches (we were from a similar background as you and your husband and I think that was part of the package) but which we gradually became aware had many cult-like characteristics. Like you and your husband, we had had marital difficulties before surrendering our lives to Christ in 1987, but by the time we entered the church in 1989 there was peace in our home.
The church nearly destroyed our marriage. When we realized that we needed to move on, we were denounced from the pulpit and shunned. We later worked with Dr. Ron Enroth on one of his follow-up books to Churches that Abuse. I also wrote a pamphlet for Plain Truth Ministries (yes, the Worldwide Church of God which had operated as a cult until the leader died and his son sought reconciliation with the body of Christ and was received by a Who’s Who summit - a rare happy ending for this kind of aberration) which I have reprinted at my blog and you may be interested in reading. It’s called Legalism and Christian cults. At the end there are several books my husband and I read which helped us understand and process our experience. Plus – just for laughs, because laughter helps – the old ‘50’s film Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
There is really so much I want to say to you. I see a kindred spirit in you – or at least a similar calling – as I was also called to document our experience. It’s been 15 years since we left the church. Because we were high profile people and I became a Christian writer a few years later, the pastor stalked me through the Christian community – calling Focus on the Family if I published an article there to tell them I wasn’t a real Christian, calling a TV studio if I had an interview.
The worst aftermath though was the damage inflicted on our marriage. I won’t go into too much detail, except to say that my husband had been flattered and told he was more spiritual than I – it was even hinted that he would be justified in divorcing me – all because I refused to go to 5am prayer meetings when we had six children under 10 at home (I was told they could sleep in the car!) It took years to reestablish the trust we had found as new Christians.
Because my husband and I had met in recovery, we had been through a 12-step program, and I found that “working the steps” had become so much a part of me that after a couple months of crying and feeling so wronged, I began to take a look at myself and wonder what was wrong with me that I had become part of such an organization. I realized that spiritual pride was a big part of the appeal of the church (you can read more detail if you like in the pamphlet I linked) – they were superior to other Christians because of extra expectations. So that was something that God wanted to root out in me.
Then how I thanked God for the experience I’d had! When I saw how ugly the behavior of Pastor H was, I did not want to become like that myself. Both my husband and I have strong leadership tendencies (although I am actually opposed to women in church leadership and would refuse such a position) and I felt that through this terrible ordeal, God had delivered us by showing us what Christian leadership is not supposed to be.
Since then we have understood Christian leadership as servant leadership – encouraging and equipping others to reach their potential rather than holding sway over a group of people who will help you reach yours.
This is actually a common problem in the United States – enough so that there are many books on the subject. One of the things I read that helped me also was the idea that God uses these imperfect churches to perfect us as individuals. Looking back on the experience now, I know that as painful as it was, I would not trade it for the world because through it God was able to teach us some very important lessons. And what if we hadn’t learned them? Why, we might be hurting others in his name ourselves!
Jen, I know that God must have great plans for you and your husband to have brought you through this experience and to call you to document it – not out of spite, as some people might accuse you of – but out of love for the Body of Christ. While it’s difficult to be misunderstood and wrongly accused, I see the love that motivates what you are doing – and God does too.
I will be praying for you and your family.
Love,
Barbara Curtis
Posted by: barbaracurtis | January 7, 2007 8:35 AM
Thanks for the beautiful post. I have linked to it. May you have the inspiration to write more of these life changing words.
Posted by: Manny Essel | January 7, 2007 6:21 PM
