January 6, 2007 3:44 PM
What to call step children
Thought I'd throw this out there to see what advice you all might offer. We have had the same problem in our family, the opposite direction as Tripp is seven years younger than I and would have been only 14 when Samantha was born (it sounds so weird when I think of it that way). As he's aging, people are beginning to be surprised that he is their step-dad, but in the beginning it was pretty strange.
Dear Barbara,My name is Michelle; I'm a wife and mom of 6. I've been reading Mommy Life for some time, and I really enjoy it! :)
I have an issue that maybe isn't really a problem, but it's been bothering me for some time. As I mentioned, I have 6 children, but the oldest two are my step-children. We've had plans for some time that I would adopt them, but between lack of funds and their mom not being in
the country often, it hasn't come about. Since the oldest two look very much like the rest of the family (my step-son is a dead ringer for my brother, actually), most people assume that they are my biological children. Which would be fine with me -- GREAT -- except that
eventually people notice the age problem. I was only 16 when my step-daughter was born, and 17 when my step-son was born. Additionally, my husband and I have only been married for 4 years, which causes people to assume that I was an unwed teen mother (and I have received more than one unkind comment because of this assumption). Once, when they were very young, someone thought I was the babysitter! However, if I introduce them as my step-children, people infer that they aren't "really" my children, assuming they live with their mother, etc. I certainly don't want my children to internalize those kinds of assumptions!! As far as I am concerned, we are a family with 2 parents and 6 children who all belong together!As a result, I feel like I have to give everyone I meet a mini-lesson in our family's background. I don't know how else to deal with strangers who constantly tell me that I look too young for my kids. (I guess when I'm older that will be a compliment, but for now it's always said disapprovingly.) I guess I want to know -- is there a more tactful way to deal with the assumptions of new acquaintances and strangers?
I'd appreciate any advice you or your readers can offer.
Michelle
Uncool Mommy
I think the problem too is that the name stepfather and stepmother sounds so cold - as if you want to distance yourself when really that is not what you want at all.
First of all, I'd suggest having a family discussion to see what the kids think. But I think it is a good idea to script what you want to say so you don't feel flustered when the time comes.
Does anyone else have any ideas?
Comments
I don't know that I have the perfect answer for you, but I can give you the thoughts of a step-kid. If I had been my step-mom's biological child, she would have had me when she was 15 or 16. I'm sure it was embarassing for her to try to explain. But if she immediately jumped to explain, she had the power to wound a little girl who was listening to the only mother figure she had. In general, we all just grinned awkwardly as we watched people calculate in their heads, offered no explanation, and went about our lives. The few times she explained too quickly, I remember being hurt. It would have helped for us to talk about it more. Most people assumed we were sisters and left us alone, but as she had more children and I got older, the confusion of whose kids were whose got out of hand. My dad and I still grin over the time we were told we had five beautiful children (meaning me and him). Like I said, talk about it with your step-kids and be really sensitive to them. They're listening closely for how you describe your relationship to them. I think personally I'd rather you let a basic stranger squirm or miscalculate or think ill of you then to quickly "Unclaim" the child at your side. I know it's embarassing, but it's no better for the child, and quite frankly, it's not the stranger's business. I think it would also have been helpful if my dad would have jumped in to rescue us more often, but he wasn't always around to do so. He's much less afraid to explain our family dynamics now, something I greatly appreciate. Hope this helps.
Lora
Oldest of nine children and mom to almost four!
Posted by: Lora Lynn | January 6, 2007 4:27 PM
Michelle,
I agree with Barbara. Your kids may have some really fun suggestions for handling this, and even if they don't have a practical solution, discussing it with them will send them the message that you value their thoughts.
Beyond that, I'd go with the compliment theme. Who cares if they tell you how young you are in the disapproving tone that says they think you're bound for someplace really unpleasant. Just cheerfully thank them for the compliment, let them wonder how old/young you really are, and go about your business. If they know you well enough for their opinion to matter to you, then you can give them the "mini-history". If they don't matter enough to warrant the "mini-history", then they don't matter enough for you to expend energy worrying about their opinions. That energy is better spent on more pleasant things, like those children who're obviously yours in your heart, regardless of legal status or age. Good luck!
Posted by: Vida | January 6, 2007 4:47 PM
How about just "these are my (or our) children" if someone is so bold to come back with "so that would have made you like 15 when the first one was born" you can say "yeah (because you WERE that age when they were born) but it wasn't too bad since DH's first wife did the actual childbearing"
Posted by: whimsy | January 6, 2007 5:41 PM
I would just respond with "thank you". The "meaner" the backhanded compliment, the nicer I would be.
For example, "You look so young to be their mother" - "Why, thank you for that gracious compliment!"
"Are you sisters?" "No, I'm her mother. She keeps me young!"
I don't have stepkids, but it is painfully awkward for ME to watch my friends, etc. try to explain their family history to rude strangers. I can't imagine how the kids feel hearing it.
Posted by: Milehimama | January 6, 2007 6:18 PM
I am a step-child, but we do not use that word. To me it is a "bad" word. The man who married my mom became my dad, and like your situation, he was too young to be my dad! Our new grandfather was delighted to suddenly have grandchildren, and I felt the love. But our new grandmother said that she was too young to have grandchildren (She was in her 50s). So she told us to call her by her first name. She ended up loving us in spite of not wanting grandchildren, but it hurt a lot. When my Dad tried on a tux for my wedding, the lady at the tux store said he looked to young to be my dad, and I blurted out the "S-word". I will never forget the look of pain I saw in my Dad's eyes that moment.
Here is my suggestion-do not even give a thought what the rude ones say or might think of you. If they are that petty, just thank them for saying you look young and say goodbye. The discomfort you feel is real, but the pain in the hearts of your children could last for the rest of their lives. Only a few years ago, my grandmother told her I could call her Grandmother, now that she is in her 70's. My aunt always made me feel like a step-child and even recently told me how horrible it was for her when her brother married and had a new family. Now as an adult, I have tried really hard to see from their point of view so that I wouldn't hold on to the pain. Through God's grace, it works, but as a child, it was awful. I am still learning to be myself around them, but oh what a joy that my Dad never ever ever made excuses or called me his step-child. He just grins with a twinkle in his eye and we all give each other that grin. What love! As an adult I realized that he has helped shape my view of God as a loving father who adopts his children. My Dad never did the legal adoption, though it was always his intention, but it doesn't matter to me. He has said he would do it now, but in our hearts, we all know he is our Dad. :)
Posted by: Honey | January 6, 2007 10:47 PM
We get a different sort of awkward question because we have a special needs child we adopted when she was almost six. People ask questions about how the disability affected her birth, or the other way around, and I can't answer because I wasn't there, and 'I don't know' sounds really irresponsible.
I agree with everybody else that the first thing to do is discuss it with the kids, making it clear you're thrilled that people think they are your kids (and they are), but it can be awkward in some situations, because some people might think their dad is either not their dad, or he took a while to come around and marry their mother.
With questions about my daughter's birth, when they get awkward, I say something like, "Well, I didn't get to be her mother until she was six, so I don't know. Oh- different subject, but..." and then I ask a question like, " I wonder if you could tell me how you made that casserole we had for dinner last week?" Or, "Did you know Sarah's in the hospital?" Or "So I don't have a good birth story to tell, but I'm always ready to hear one..." Or "Oh! Look at the time! Gotta run!"=)
If the kids are okay with it, when somebody says, "you must have been 16 when they were born," you could just say something like, "Yes, but I didn't get to be their mother until I was 23 (or whatever)." If you don't want to discuss it any further, follow that up immediately with a question or comment that changes the subject. If that question or comment is geared towards the questioner's hobby horse, so much the better.
Posted by: deputyheadmistress | January 7, 2007 1:09 AM
I can relate to your questions, because I havea blended family. I have been married for 5 years. I was a unwed teen mom and proud not ashamed of it. My husband was also a teen parent, unmarried. We now have one together. What I called my daughter from my husbands previous relationship, at first was "my new daughter." Not stepdaughter. After a little while, I stopped doing that. I figured people would figure it out. I dont look old enough to have three kids. I dont look old, but so what? I dont know the life story of those that wonder about mine. So they arent owed an explanation. I am sure people can figure it out. My sister thought it was interesting that at my daughters parent teacher conference that I only referred to my daughter as my daughter. She came along with me. I look at her (she has no children) by the way... and said "why should I? They probably know that and if they dont, it doesnt matter." When I go to her parent teacher conferences at middle school ( I am 27 she is 12 1/2 yrs) yea, I am sure that they think i am not the birth mom. But, so what. I dont tell anyone anymore unless it is my OBGYN asking how many births I have had. Our friends and family obviously know who came from whom and we say we have three children. My girls have two sisters, not half sisters. I have half brothers. I never called them that. My mom was referred to as their stepmother but they never bonded I guess. I dont do that. I am proud to have been a young mom and would do it again. I cant help that I was young and I cant help that a relationship that ended fast resulted in a break up and a pregnancy. I was thrilled to be pregnant and my family accepted another child into the home as if it was always supposed to be. I had graduated high school and started college. It wasnt a big deal. If people would open their minds to allowing others to see they love children as their own it would be great. Some people dont want other kids from other relationships. It is more drama. It is a lot of "why did my daddy move or mommy move so far? Why dont they call?" and you wish that they could be happy you were there as if that was enough. And it isnt. They always want to know about that other parent and know them too. In the end,show your love and the child will grow up strong even if you gave them life through your heart, not your womb. I told me daughter "you came from my heart." And, looking at another post made me think of another thing. Learn the childs birth stories if possible. I know what time my daughter was born, where, and any complications and how big she was, etc. SO I can tell her too if she asks. And, I have said like maybe co-workers that get nosy... " i got her walking down the aisle." If they cant figure that out? Screw em. They dont live with you. They arent the ones working extra hard to make that blended family a family that should resemble one that had it all figured out from day one. Be proud to be a mom or dad of children whether you birthed them or not.
Posted by: Angela | January 7, 2007 12:06 PM
This "what do I say?" question assumes we owe someone an answer.
It was My mom (when I was agonizing over how to say something personal-but-public, like your age/children question) said I didn't have to answer that.
"But what if they ask out-right?" I asked. What do I say then? I've always been a straightforward person, and if I don't see an obvious joke to defer the situation I address it directly.
"You just smile," my mother said firmly. "*They're* the people who should be uncomfortable, not you."
So... I haven't tested it. But in theory, at least, it is they way I want to be: put the burden of the awkward/nosy/unnecessary question back in their laps.
Posted by: Amy Jane | January 8, 2007 9:03 AM
I didn't get to be a dad until my son was almost 12 years old (I came into his life when he was 10) and I married his mom.
The discussion I had with him was that, although I could never change the past and be his biological dad, I definitely considered him my son. The good news was that he asked me to adopt him, which I did this past May. The adoption was final on my birthday, no less, which was the greatest birthday present I had ever received.
Bottom line, I never intentionally referred to him as my stepson (legally he's not anymore, anyway), nor to myself as his stepdad. Like several of the commenters above, I concur that it's best (and sometimes more fun!) to just let the listener be confused and squirm a bit when they try to do the math!
Incidentally, my son loves it when we're talking as a family and something from his childhood comes up (stuff before I was here), and I act puzzled and say, "Hmm, I don't remember that." He always looks at me with a grin and laughs!
Posted by: Steve Sensenig | January 8, 2007 12:15 PM
Thanks for the advice, you really gave me a lot to think about. Last night I overheard my son explaining the situation to his friend, and I realized that they don't consider it a big deal. They understand that even though I didn't give them birth, I AM their mom. :)
Posted by: Michelle | January 10, 2007 3:52 PM
I can understand how you feel. I have a son (step son)that is 14 years old. I refer to him as my son because his birth mom has not been around since he was two. I just turned 30 and have had my son since he was 4 years old. People do ask all of the time how old I am??? And tell me that I look too young to have a 14 year old son. I just smile and say thank-you! If people dont know the situation then I feel that it is none of their business. As far as I am concerned he is my son. I have been the one present for all of his life so it seems silly to refer to him as a stepchild when I couldnt love him anymore if he was my biological child. I hope this helps :)
Posted by: Meredith | January 28, 2007 10:21 PM
