February 9, 2007 7:30 AM
Elisabeth Elliot on broken relationships
Leave Him to Me
When there is deep misunderstanding which has led to the erection of barriers between two who once were close, every day brings the strengthening of those barriers if they are not, by God's grace, breached. One prays and finds no way at all to break through. Love seems to "backfire" every time. Explanations become impossible. New accusations arise, it seems, from nowhere (though it is well to recall who is named the Accuser of the brethren). The situation becomes ever more complex and insoluble, and the mind goes round and round, seeking the place where things went wrong, brooding over the words which were like daggers, regretting the failures and mistakes, wondering (most painfully) how it could have been different. Much spiritual and emotional energy is drained in this way--but the Lord wants to teach us to commit, trust, and rest."Leave him to me this afternoon," is what his word is. "There is nothing else that I am asking of you this afternoon but that: leave him to Me. You cannot fathom all that is taking place. You don't need to. I am at work--in you, in him. Leave him to Me. Some day it will come clear--trust Me."
"Humble yourselves under God's mighty hand, and he will lift you up in due time. Cast all your cares on Him, for you [and the other] are his charge" (l Pt 5:7).
This was timely for me. My oldest daughter and I were just commiserating the loss of the younger daughter and her children from our lives. Both sisters have five children and it's difficult for one set to understand why their notes to their cousins go unanswered and why their e-cards are not opened.
Having been a little kid once I know it's tough to be at the mercy of a parent's breaking of relationships.
The daughters live ten minutes apart, but D2 had stopped seeing D1 long before she completely cut off this part of the family. It's hard to believe that we're all such horrible people. And I know what Elisabeth Elliot says is true: when you cut people out of your life it's easy to make monsters of them. When you allow the enemy to drive a wedge like that, the hope of reconciliation fades very quickly.
There’s a lot I haven’t said because I was hoping things would improve, but they haven’t. Even gifts to the kids go unacknowledged. I’ve seen the other side of this when D2 has cut off her in-laws for lengthy periods of time, as scornful when they send gifts as when they don’t (either way is an indictment). The only difference is that when we’re “in” I encourage her in every effort to mend those relationships; when they're "in" they are so thrilled they actually encourage her shunning of us.
I had thought of calling her pastor (they go to a Reformed church) and asking for his intervention. Tripp says that will only confirm to her that I am the bad guy.
It truly seems a lose/lose situation – which is why I might as well be open about it. As I explained the other day, perhaps this relationship will never be mended this side of heaven, but someone out there in MommyLifeland will be inspired to do better in her own relationships.
My daughter has used relationship to reward and punish people (have any of you punished others this way? Please count the cost to the family before you do) and I simply refuse the punishment. I have no ill will or hostility. At 30 I was hurting a lot of people myself. So while I miss my daughter and long for her return, I refuse to dwell on it. As one reader mentioned, something like this can detract from your other relationships if you brood over it. This is just a few moments reflection sparked by EE and then I'm on with my day.
Still praying for God's divine intervention though. I know from my own life what miracles He can bring to pass. I know that He can soften the hardest heart. I just feel sad that these ten grandchildren are growing up with this example. They do deserve so much better from us. I am trusting God to use this for good in their lives too.
I know that through God's grace I would welcome my daughter back in a heartbeat. No anger, no recriminations, just joy for whatever breakthrough she's experienced. Knowing that, there’s nothing more I can do. So, as EE suggests, I will leave her to Him until that day.
"Humble yourselves under God's mighty hand, and he will lift you up in due time. Cast all your cares on Him, for you [and the other] are his charge" (l Pt 5:7).
As always, I'd like to encourage you to include Elisabeth Elliot in your morning reading. She gives you a lot to think about during the day. Subscribe to her daily devotions here.
Posted in Family, Mothering | Permalink
Comments
Barbara, I have experienced a similar situation, yet with extended family, so it's not as hurtful for me directly.
In her mind, this person has been slighted or wronged by just about everyone in the family, and it is very sad to see how her words and actions have affected the children. As a result, the (adult) children's perceptions and relationships have been damaged beyond repair.
Prayers for your situation.
Posted by: KatieButler | February 9, 2007 9:17 AM
Hm, this made me really stop and think. I've read your other posts on this matter too, and only now has this thought hit me: your daughter hasn't been able to work through some losses from her childhood.
I think this is on my mind because my husband and I are doing the parenting training classes to become certified to adopt from social sevices/foster care in our state, and we've been talking about loss and grief. The thing that really shocked me from class is that, depending on inborn personality traits, one person can be devestated by a loss that another person would shrug off or recover from fairly quickly. In some people, feelings of anger and depression from a loss that occurred as a child linger on and on because they are not recognized as valid or dealt with. We were warned never to put a timeline on a child's grief, because even if we think we would have gotten over it by now, they might not have. We do not understand what it is like to be another person, no matter how much we think we do, even if the same exact thing happened to us. Even 2 siblings who are removed from a situation can and do react very differently, and "get over it" at different paces.
Food for thought. Certainly your daughter experienced a number of losses as a small child, you yourself admitted it. Certainly, too, your and her life improved considerably. But perhaps there still are feelings that are coming from those losses long ago as a 2, 3, 4 year old that have never been dealt with. I don't think that just because everything became stable, respectable, loving and "normal" by age 6 that therefore she has nothing to grieve about.
I'm not saying you need to do anything, but it might help if you step out of yourself and try to see your daughter like that. It might help give you peace as God works on her heart, knowing that really He is the one to bring her to a place where those feelings can be expressed, acknowledged, and dealt with.
I'll continue to keep her and your family in my prayers.
Posted by: colicmommy | February 9, 2007 10:11 AM
Barbara,
I will be praying for you and your daughter and the rest of your family. What a wonderful devotional by Elisabeth Elliot.
Posted by: Tammy Burns | February 9, 2007 10:18 AM
Colicmommy -
Thanks for your wisdom. I think I kinda already said this when I said Satan can take something small and make it seem really big and take something really big and make it seem really small. Clearly, he would like to manipulate our grievances from our past to destroy our present relationships and hurt as many as he can.
While I appreciate input from the therapy community - and have certainly been helped by it myself in the past - I also think as Christians we have a responsibility to desire psychological health and to make ourselves willing to work toward it, allowing God to help us rather than holding onto our "stuff." I do believe a lot of letting go of the past and forgiveness has to do with making a decision. I am a heavy believer in personal responsibility.
I am aware that my daughter's problems stem from issues she has not worked through and am hoping she will find the help she needs. I am not looking at this from a selfish perspective but with the heart of a mother and the perspective of one poised at this point above the fray
That's what this post was about - as well as about stirring readers in a more healthful direction with their own relationships.
Thanks for your prayers.
Thanks
Posted by: barbara | February 9, 2007 10:26 AM
Tears come to my eyes when I read about you and your daughter. I have daughters, so I respond as a mother. And I'm a sensitive, introverted, slightly melancholy daughter so I feel the pain on that side as well.
I agree with colicsmommy. And with you for that matter. I don't think there is anything for you to "do" or "make up for" or even "apologize for". I simply think that some people get stuck in a place, and struggle to break free of it.
I think her hurts are probably valid to her.I believe that she will break free (I hope because I did, and I considered myself a lost cause) and view you and her family with the same love and grace that God views us, each of His Children.
I do think and feel, though, that a study of the temperaments might help you to understand where she is coming from. I'm not saying you don't, just if you want to delve further.
I liked "personality Plus" by Florence Littauer. It is a Christian book, and it has explained so much about my marriage, for instance.
I am so sorry for the hurt on all sides of this!
Posted by: Marsha | February 9, 2007 10:48 AM
I spent my entire 20s behaving similarly to your daughter. I never completely cut out my parents, but I found both my childhood and our then relationship very painful, and I dealt with it by holding them at a distance and treating them with disrespect, and I always flirted with cutting them off completely.
I should say that I felt very justified in doing this. When I was in therapy, we spent the time dwelling on the things my parents had done wrong. I spent additional time at ACOA meetings, again dwelling on these things. I would think about their offenses as I went through my day, as I drove to work. I was so angry and so sad.
Then, one day, a friend came to visit. She was a practicing Christian at the time and I was not, which was funny, because I grew up Christian and she did not, and I had brought her to church with me when we were young.
Anyway, I shared with her my litany of complaints about my parents and cried about it...and she listened to all of it, and then in the most compassionate way responded that God has forgiven each of us everything we have ever done, and that the least we could do in return was to forgive the people who have hurt us.
Well, this startled me, as it was not the message that I was hearing everywhere else. And it spoke to me. Nothing happened right away, but I eventually went back to church and became a committed Christian, and today---about four years later---my relationship with my family has healed to the point where I talk to both parents several times a week on the phone, and I just recently went home for a week and a half at Christmas and was able to enjoy the entire time.
It's not that all of my parents' flaws have been miraculously healed, but I have come to see myself as a sinner, too, not a righteous victim. I have started to look at my parents as people made in God's image and people whom he loves unconditionally, without reserve, the way he also loves me.
The old me would have regarded this as a fool's game. After all, I was right and they were wrong. I was invested in my role as an innocent victim. But the irony is that letting down my guard and loving them first has led our relationship to develop in all kinds of ways that I had hoped it would, and that I was hoping to provoke by withholding myself from them.
Just one final point: Back when I was nurturing my grievances against my parents, I did a lot of reading about broken families. My parents were out of control a lot while I was growing up and often hit us in anger, with the intent of hurting us or relieving their own frustration. More than one book I read said that parents who hit their children are often actually trying to hit their own parents, due to unresolved issues there.
And so it has occurred to me that the best thing I could possibly have done for my future children was to forgive my parents. And I am so grateful to my friend for leading me there.
Barbara, I will pray for your daughter to be led to forgiveness---for your sake, but also for hers.
Posted by: Kirsten | February 9, 2007 11:23 AM
Know that you and Jasmine are in my prayers. I was a faithful reader of Jasmine's blog and considered her my bloggy friend. My heart hurts so much for the pain that each of you are going through. I know that Jasmine must be hurting very badly to go to such lengths to cut herself off from everyone. I also know from experience that when dealing with hurts having to do with your parents, that you seem to be frozen back in time at the age you were when the hurt was happening. I have in the past dealt with hurt with both of my parents and no matter how "mature" I thought I had become, one word from them could send me back in time! I would react, no matter how much I wanted to do differently, as that young hurt child. Suddenly 9 again, hurting, crying...then the wall would go up again. Only the Lord can heal these wounds. I hurt for the little girl Jasmine, and for you Barbara, I know you have been rejected often in your life, and it must hurt very deeply to be rejected by your own daughter. I pray for God's mighty hand to intervene in your relationship!!!
Posted by: Yvonne (Adrienne) | February 9, 2007 1:16 PM
I'm sorry things have not improved in this relationship. I have a sister who does the same thing from time to time and I grieve for my father when he is denied the opportunity to visit his grandson.
Posted by: Laurie | February 9, 2007 1:29 PM
This is such a hard situation. My own mom did not get along with either her parents or her in-laws and kept us children from them. I truly believed that my grandparents hated me because they didn't do all the things that grandparents are "supposed" to do. At both my grandparents funerals I was so hurt when my cousins told stories about the things they did with grandpa and grandma. I was so angry that they hadn't included me that I could not bring myself to even shed a tear over their deaths. I am the oldest of six children. When I think back on my childhood I see how desperate I was for some attention from adults and it just hurt me so much that no one noticed. It is only recently (after many sleepless nights) that I have come to realize that it was not that my grandparents didn't want to see me it was that they were not allowed to. I only wish I had realized this before they died and spent more time with them. I just hope that if anyone else in the same situation as my mom is reading this that they will consider what the broken relationship does to the children too.
Posted by: Sara | February 9, 2007 1:49 PM
I am by no means an expert in this situation, but a few thoughts came into my head while reading and I decided to go ahead and share them with you.
First, just recently there was an excellent sermon at my church on faith. I loved the illustration of Abraham - God changed his name 25 or so years before Isaac was born. So for all those years he was calling himself Abraham, "the father of many nations," and he had no children! Sometimes the promises we stand on look foolish to the rest of the world, but God is always faithful to His word. The challenge is to asses what we are calling things/people. By God's name? Or by a name that fulfills what our earthly eyes can see.
Secondly, as my husband and I are finishing up a marriage course, the concept of a "safe" relationship is fresh in my mind. Lord willing there will be a day when you are able to communicate again. Perhaps at that time you would want to ask in what ways you can make her feel safe (and vice versa). I am an oldest child and often find myself at odds with second borns. They're so "closed" compared to the way I am! And then I have to realize - my vocal tendencies often are what shuts them down and makes them feel that it's not safe to speak their minds.
I am not implying that you haven't done any of these things or that you've created an unsafe environment. I am totally an outsider to this! But those are some ideas that I hope might be helpful at some point along the road.
The righteous who walks in his integrity—
blessed are his children after him!
Proverbs 20:7
Posted by: Carole | February 9, 2007 2:24 PM
Hi Barbara, I appreciate you writing on this subject. I know from experience that what you said from EE is true - "when you cut people out of your life it's easy to make monsters of them."
Your writing has helped me frame my thinking on this issue in my own family. My sister has cut my father and step-mother totally out of her life, but she wallows in the pain she feels they caused her through her childhood. Yes, things weren't ideal, and my step-mother could be pretty awful, but my sister has built it into something so enormous it has colored her entire life. She's in a lot of emotional pain, and so much of it is self-inflicted. At this point I pray for her regularly, and I try to be a voice of moderation whenever it comes up. There doesn't seem to be much I can do. It is sad to see so much bitterness, hurt and anger is someone who is only in her mid-20's. It has made her into a borderline functional human being, who can barely hold a job and take care of her life. *sigh*
I haven't had much contact with my father either, but I'm trying to at least send regular emails and pictures of my kids now. He is very hard of hearing, so it is difficult to communicate with him, especially on the phone. At this point, I really don't have much of a problem with my father, I just kind of feel sorry for him. My step-mother on the other hand... *sigh* well, that is just complicated. I had an ephiany about her though recently - I realized that she must really love my father to still be with him even though he has lost almost all his hearing in one ear and about 50-60% in the other. Even in person, talking to him can be a frustrating experience! To put up with that, day after day, without too much sarcasm and belittling (her two favorite tools) really is a testament to her love for him. So if she can love and care for him that much, can't I at least try to think kindly of her for his sake?
But still, it would be nice to get an apology :-)
Posted by: Amber | February 9, 2007 2:27 PM
May I suggest a remarkable book on resolving personal conflicts for BELIEVERS titled, "Peacemakers" by Ken Sande. We have had some ongoing conflict issues that have separated our family over the years and this is the first book I ever read that has been truly helpful and Biblical in addressing the real issues behind conflict. We are just now in the process of applying some principles we are learning, so I don't have any true experience yet. Will let you know.
Love and blessings,
sarah
Posted by: Sarah | February 9, 2007 5:36 PM
Dear Barbara,
You are here for us, being used by God to make us better women and better Mommies. None of us should be surprised that Satan is attacking your very own family. I thank you for your faithfulness and openness. I have been praying about this situation for a long time, and I for one, am not going to stop until Jasmine's heart softens and she returns to you. I especially pray in the night when I am nursing my own Baby Girl. I also pray for her husband's heart to be touched. Maybe he will be the one to lead her back. So, I am holding you up in prayer. It's the least I can do. You've done so much for me.
Posted by: Greta | February 9, 2007 7:45 PM
I am just so sorry. :(
I am praying, okay?
God really can make the changes.
Jasmine, if you read this - please work things out! Please do the necessary work to restore the relationship with your family! Relationships cost!
Posted by: Holly | February 9, 2007 9:28 PM
I get mad reading this because there are so many people who don't have family, and to see others throw away a perfectly good one just ticks me off. It is so odd that she doesn't even want to be with her sister.
Posted by: paigeu | February 10, 2007 1:39 AM
My family is in the middle of the same situation except it is 2 of the 3 of us that have gone. I am the only child left standing, so to speak. It is an extremely difficult and painful situation to be in especially as my parents age and I'm the only one around.
It is easy to blame the mother. Secular humanism and Freud have left mothers eternally on the hook. As a Christiain mom of 7 children myself, I know I am not to blame for every evil thing my children do.
For those of us in this horrendous situation it is a ploy from the enemy to get us to play the blame game. It distracts us and make us feel better to blame the spouse, the daughter, the son, the PAST. Meanwhile, the entire family is disintegrating. Like fabric, once the first tear is there it makes it easy for the whole piece to give way.
I am praying for you Barbara. I am praying for every family that is going through this. I pray that this is the only child that chooses to treat you in this way and I will continue to pray for a happy resolution.
Posted by: Arden | February 10, 2007 7:22 AM
