February 23, 2007 11:44 AM
Is your life perfect? Why pretend?
I've been corresponding for a while with a mother going through difficulties with a son who is on the brink of leaving home - and not in the way his parents would wish. Knowing I have a prodigal son, she wrote me a while back and has kept me up to date. Her latest email brings up a challenge all of us less-than-perfect Christians face:
I am really having a hard time with something, and I wanted your advice/opinion/thoughts...etc.
Not many people know what has happened and continues to happen with our son. We have a small church, and only a few know there, but no one else that I know of knows...like old friends, acquaintances, etc.
It is AGONY when people talk about what a lovely family I/we have. When people go on and on about what a nice/polite/smart/etc. young man ____ son is...etc. I just want to crawl in a hole. I know we have nicer-than-usual children, but we do have our problems with the others, too. Mostly typical stuff: sibling bickering, procrastination, etc.
I just don't know what to say and do. I don't think I need to spew out all the garbage that has been going on, yet when I say nothing, I feel like I'm lying. I know that everyone would be shocked/disappointed, etc. to know what ____ has really been like the last year, and they may not even want to have anything to do with us at all. Also, what do I say if things don't work out, and he moves out and people want to know why?
I would really appreciate anything you might have to share about this. It is driving me crazy.
Love,
_____
Dear ____ -
You probably already know what I'm going to say!
I believe in being honest about what's going on in our lives. No you don't have to give all the details of your problems, but one of the biggest bondages we face as Christians is the pressure to look good.
Too many believers follow the worldly pattern of judging people's spiritual success by their outward circumstances, while really the opposite is all too often true. God allows those he loves to be tested – which makes them stronger and better able to serve him by ministering to others.
In the past week I’ve heard from two rather prominent Christian women about serious difficulties they’ve been going through – difficulties that would shock people who look to them for help and inspiration.
Let’s face it – the enemy will stop at nothing to keep a believer equipped to help others from being effective in delivering his or her message. Why not just cut them off at the knees by destroying their credibility?
After all, why should someone listen to a believer battling depression, or struggling with an abusive husband or grieving a wayward son or judgmental daughter?
When I was younger, I was much more judgmental myself. It’s easy to have things go perfectly at home when your kids are small. But hey, even the perfect parent – Our Heavenly Father – could not keep his children from turning their backs on him. As strange as it may sound, I’m almost glad my children haven’t all turned out “perfectly” – if they had, I might have been more arrogant and remained judgmental myself. Now I have compassion and am much more tenderness – I like to think the kind of tenderness God feels for each of us in our imperfection.
We have recently started a monthly women’s group at our church, and the first speaker amazed me with her complete honesty about the spiritual struggles she’d been going through – down to questioning her faith. This was a woman I would never have guessed had any problems at all. How grateful I was for her transparency – for that kind of trust has the potential of transforming the relationships of all the women in our church.
I am also doing a Bible study on Beth Moore’s Breaking Free, which is teaching me the role that oppression plays in our lives. To think that you are blessed because you are wealthy and everything is going well is really a shallow view – it just means that Satan doesn’t consider you a serious contender :)
There will always be those who judge us by our outer circumstances. You can feel compassion for them because – if God loves them – they will surely eventually go through trials which will render them more tender-hearted and compassionate towards others.
That’s really what it’s all about – being conformed daily more closely to the image of Christ. How can we do that if we're comfortable? I like how G. K. Chesterton put it:
The purpose of Christianity is to comfort the afflicted and to afflict the comfortable.
If we truly understand God's intentions for our lives, there is no need to pretend that everything is perfect - after all, if we could find true happiness here on earth, who would look forward to heaven?
Posted in Inspiration | Permalink
Comments
It's so true that as Christians one of our biggest bondages is the pressure to look good. Very well said. I lived under that pressure for a long time, but decided I was actually hurting people by allowing them to think I had everything all together all the time. So I came out of the closet. :-P I'm Jennifer, and I'm a mess, a lovable mess (as God proves everyday with his grace and mercy) but a mess nonetheless.
Sometimes I long to step back into that closet and let people believe I'm better than I am, and you know what? I just realized something this very moment. It was easier to pretend I was perfect when I wasn't overweight. I can thank God for this weight problem I'm dealing with right now because it has made it impossible for me to keep pretending.
I do sometimes feel stung by the judgment of other Christians who are either much better and more mature than I am, or are so good at pretending that they've fooled themselves, but I refuse to go back to pretending.
Posted by: Jennifer | February 23, 2007 2:22 PM
This so ministered to me today, Barbara! Thank you so much for 'permission' to be imperfect. As I grieve my mother's death ( a year ago yesterday), and hold my baby on a feeding tube, I struggle with feelings of failure because I'm going through a rough time now. And you're right, it's an honor, and it is equipping us to better minister to our small group, as well as preparing us to minister to others in the future. Thank you for the reminder and the encouragement.
Posted by: angie | February 23, 2007 5:56 PM
Do you ever worry that people don't want to hear about your problems? I don't mean you, of course, but me. When I talk about the things going on in my life, I feel like I'm whining. Especially when people give me advice, I feel like now that they've told me how to "fix my problem" (even if it didn't actually help), I need to sit down and be quiet. And when the same problem is bugging me again later, I feel like I can't turn to the same people or I'll annoy them. People say I shouldn't worry about things like that, but then they turn around and complain about the guy who can't hold a job who is always complaining about being broke.
Posted by: Michelle | February 23, 2007 8:55 PM
I remember when I was a young person people telling me how lucky my parents were and how they wished they had a daughter like me, blah, blah, blah. And all the while I was thinking, you have no idea who I really am.
I think honesty can be a two-edged sword. I think that if you look too perfect, people can't identify with you and are afraid to be honest themselves. On the other hand, one doesn't need to air dirty laundry with just anyone.
But I think that it's important, especially in this time of "fallen heroes" that we show the world that, yes, we have problems, but that God is faithful and that our faith in Him gives us hope to conquer our problems, whatever they are.
I love the quote from Chesterton! How true. :)
Posted by: Lucy | February 24, 2007 10:22 PM
I actually fear that when people meet me and only see the two lovely daughters, serving the Lord, and don't even know we have older children not living in obedience, that they don't actually want to get close to me or listen to me. Intimacy seems to grow when we are transparent about our challenges.
Posted by: Rebecca | February 25, 2007 9:46 PM
God can only do His best work through transparent honesty. Sometimes the pain and trauma we so wish we could hide is exactly the lesson that God is working out... so that one day, we can help someone else who is on the other end of it. This is why I shared my testimony on my blog - even though I am ashamed of my past.
The one thing that turns the WORLD off about Christians is that a lot of us act as if we are "hollier than thou".
What if we all just got real? It would really show the miracle of God, the peace of God, the healing power of God, the LOVE of God... there is no end to the possibilities when we are being honest with eachother - letting eachother in - building eachother up - praying for eachother.... think of the possibilities.
God is bigger than our problems... and His opinion is the ONLY one that matters. If someone shuns us because of our honesty - we will know that they really weren't a quality Christian friend, won't we?!
Posted by: sprittibee | February 27, 2007 12:15 AM
