February 18, 2007 4:29 PM
Mother needs help with out-of-control preschooler
Dear Barbara,
I am a 29 year old working mother and wife. I work 4 days a week and 1 to 2 weekends a month. I am fortunate that my Husband works a more flexible schedule and is able to help a lot with our 3.5 year old son. The problem is that my son is very strong willed. He is a bright child with a wonderful imagination. He is polite, but is bossy, likes things his way and has tantrums. He has a big issue with authority and is often defiant with me. He has been in several preschools/ daycare centers from Montessori to Baptist to Catholic to Day School and has been asked to withdraw from two of the programs after only 2 weeks and threatened at another because of his behavior. My Husband and I decided after the last situation to place him with a home sitter in order to help with his self esteem. He is doing well because the sitter is one of his former teachers. He will be four soon and I'm very nervous that he will not be able to make it in a structured Pre-K program. I am scared to even register him because I am afraid he will be kicked out. I love my child and I would hate for him to be labeled as the bad kid who is always in trouble or the kid that got kicked out the program. What do I do? He really needs to be in a more structured environment with rules and other kids to help with his social skills. (He hates to share) What would you advise me to do to help him be a productive preschooler? Thank you for your time, I am sure you are quite busy.
Sincerely,
L
Dear L -I am so sorry it has taken so long for me to get back to you about this - I know it must be tearing you up inside. Sometimes the hardest questions wait the longest in my Inbox because they are - well, because they are the hardest.
When you describe your son’s behavior, it sounds like typical three-year-old still-working-on-center-of-the-universe-issues stuff. And yet it must be outside the realm of normal - at least in the eyes of the preschool teachers he's been with. I know preschools work hard to keep students in - if for no other reason than to keep a paying customer.
Three questions:
1) Are you and your husband on the same page as far as discipline/respect for authority goes?
2) Are you consistent?
3) Do you have a solid plan for discipline? What books have you read and is there one that you are following?If you have answered yes to all these questions, you should be seeing better behavior from your son. You may want to have a frank discussion with the teachers who've observed him to ask him for their input, and be prepared to accept it. Teachers have a way of seeing what parents sometimes cannot see.
If you have answered no to any of these questions, then get to work filling in the missing piece. You and your husband need to be on the same page and you need to be consistently following a plan of discipline. If you have a lot of distractions in your life - TV, computer, social stuff - you may need to cut back on them for a while and focus on establishing a better parenting routine. Make sure you are sitting down to eat dinner together every night - even if it's just fish sticks and French fries. Read to your child. Pray with him and pray for him.
Make sure you are leading him spiritually - with books like Read-Aloud Bible Stories . Young children can actually make a decision to commit their lives to Jesus, at which point they become a lot more teachable. (see my next post on children's devotions/leading children to Jesus.
Suggested parenting books: The Discipline Book by William and Martha Sears and The Strong-Willed Child by Dr. Dobson.
I will post this at my blog for more input from readers.
Praying for you and your family.
Posted in Mothering, Preschoolers | Permalink
Comments
I have two cents to throw in. So many parenting books focus specifically on behavior instead of the key ingredient-relationship. I have always loved and still love Ross Campbell's books, because they go for the heart.
Lately, I'm asking myself to take time to enjoy each of my four children individually. I color, craft, read books, paint, play ball, something chosen by the child for as many times a week as possible with each one by his or herself and it 's revolutionizing our family.
Posted by: truevyne | February 18, 2007 6:13 PM
I have an 11 yr. old strong-willed child (in the middle of 8 children) who exhibited difficult behavior starting at 6 months. It is hard to know how much of a child's behavior is due to holes in discipline/environment and how much is unpreventable. It is harder if he is an only child. I just wanted to comment that Dr. Dobson's book "The Strong-Willed Child" is more about general discipline than about the naturally strong willed child. "Different Children, Different Needs" by Charles Boyd was very helpful to me. It profiles 4 different personality types (DISC). "You Can't Make Me!" by Cynthia Tobias was also helpful, but parents who have not experienced the very strong-willed child will likely determine that her opinions are un-biblical. Barbara, I believe your direction for this mother was the right place to start. Good questions for her to answer to begin finding some answers.
Posted by: Marni | February 18, 2007 7:39 PM
One thing that I found very helpful when my middle son was going through some of these issues was joining,or forming, a playgroup of like-minded moms that parent from a Christian perspective. For one thing, it may help you to be present to observe him in action and watch the way he interacts so that you have more of an idea what makes him behave the way he does in a group. Another good thing about a play-group, is that you will find that you are probably in the same place as some of the other moms and you can talk about ways that work and don't work, in forming your children.
If you have one or two experienced mothers in your circle, ask if you can get together. Moms who have raised several(or many) children can give so much great advice. Every child is different and so is every family, but it really helps to have someone in your life that sees what you are dealing with and has a successful, well-formed, Christian child that was once just like yours!
I agree with Babara, the parenting styles that you and your husband naturally fall into may be giving this little guy mixed messages. I am VERY much attuned to back-talk, it is a big no-no with me. For some reason, my husband doesn't hear the tone the same way I do. He is certainly no push-over and he is an excellent dad, but one of my boys takes advantage of that particular trait every chance he gets! It helps if you sit down with your spouse and set some very concrete goals and look at the way you will reach them and the obstacles that may be tripping you up. Kids are so very perceptive and they are very good at going just so far, pushing the edge of the envelope, so to speak. The Blessing is that every personality trait is a special Gift from God and properly formed and honed will be a key element in his ability to do whatever God has in His perfect Plan for the man your son will become.
Posted by: Jennifer | February 18, 2007 8:47 PM
L.,
Please, first realize that not all four year olds ARE ready for that much structure, especially boys. He may simply be more immature than others. I kept my own 4 year old boy out of 4k this year for that very reason. A more structured environment with rules is not going to magically transform his behavior. Only love, and tough love at that (holding him accountable and disciplining, training, etc. when necessary) will change his behavior. The answer might very well be LESS structure. Give him a chance to breathe, to choose his own activities, to learn that he CAN control himself in a nonjudgemental, relaxed atmosphere.
I also liked James Dobson's Bringing Up Boys. It gave me a perpespective that I, a girl Mom, lacked, and also gave me a lot of info on father/son relationships that I had never considered. Another good book (not Christian) is The Difficult Child by Stanley Turecki; it can really help you see things from your child's perspective. Read that one after the aforementioned Dobson book, The Strong Willed Child, which would be my first "go to" book.
Posted by: Milehimama | February 18, 2007 9:40 PM
truevyne,
could you help me understand how you are going abou this? I just had my fourth (sweet, precious) baby, and I'd like to devote individual time with the others.
thanks!
Posted by: Bonnie | February 19, 2007 12:04 AM
Hi,
My son is also a very difficult child. I feel like I wrote Barbara this same letter last year! Although, he was not kicked out of his preschool, he came close at one. We moved him to a small, very structured Christian school and he did much better.
I found the book "Parent Managment Training" useful, but it's not for the faint of heart as far as reading. It's a psychological textbook. It's designed for therapists who work with children with Oppositional Defient Disorder. The main key ingredient the book hammered home for me was that you can reinforce bad behavior with attention. Attending to bad behavior with any attention, such as yelling, explaining why it's bad for more than 1-2 sentences, giving in, even spanking can really give some kids a little "zing" and encourage them to keep going. The key for us was attending very carefully to good behavior with what seemed to me to be over the top praise, high fives, hugs, etc.
Examples:
- seeing son sit nicely and eat without a mess. Say "Wow, X, you are doing GREAT eating today! Awesome! High five!" with a super cheerful voice. It felt so fake to me, but he beamed and totally loved it.
- son whines for something. I ignore. He whines. I ignore. He whines. I give a short prompt "I'm not hearing nice words." and continue to ignore. If he manages to bring down the whining, I praise copiously. "Awesome! You are using your nice voice! I love that! High five! You rock!" Literally THAT MUCH praise. If he then says "Please" I really go crazy. "WOW! Super Please Man! You are my Super Please Man!" Then I danced around singing "Super please man, super please man, super super super please man". My son practically CRACKED his smile was so big.
It sounds so hokey, but it broke the cycle for my son within weeks. We had been stuck in this bad behavior-negative attention-more bad behavior cycle forever, for more than a year. Within weeks of my "over the top" attending to positive behavior, my short explanations of why we do things (1-2 sentences), and time outs to his room (his room has no toys, only bed and clothes) for bad behavior and/or ignoring, he changed. He really started coming around. He was age 3 yrs 3 months when I started this little "program".
Don't worry that you have to be over the top like this forever. Now, of course, I praise him for everything I see him do well, but I'm not so "cheerleadery". I say "nice saying please!" or "awesome job eating neatly" or "I was so proud of you for leaving the playground without crying, whining, hitting or throwing a tantrum". I've found the best praise must be very specific. Don't just say "nice job at the playground!" Say, "I was so proud of you that you left without hitting me and saying mean things to me." Say "Awesome job sharing that truck with Johnny even though it's your favorite" instead of "nice job playing" or "you were nice to Johnny." At this age, nice almost has no meaning. Good, nice...what does that mean? They need specifics.
If he hits, tantrums or is aggressive, send him to an almost empty room. Move toys and books into the living room. If he whines, pouts, mopes, ignore him. If he nags you and hangs on you, ignore him. It's hard; you must have an inner voice saying "ignore, ignore, ignore...." over and over to do this. In public, if he hits, take him home. We had to, at least 3 times, get all packed up, drive to a playground, get into the playground, see my son immediately hit someone, and immediately scoop him up and head back home. He got the point by the third time. Make consequences immediate. Do it as calmly as possible. Don't explain more than 1-2 sentences. Share expectations before you go. Say "We are going to the playground. Are you allowed to hit? (no) bite? (no) kick? (no) push? (no) grab toys (no) take snacks that aren't yours? (no) throw a tantrum when it's time to go? (no)". Before it's time to go, give a 10, 5, 2 and 1 minute warning. Transitions are very hard for this age.
Phew, I'm writing a novel, but I've so been there and it's sooooooooooo hard. No one seems to understand what it's like to have a difficult child. People with easy kids just glare at you. I know. I have an easy daugther. Boy, if I just had her, I'd be pretty smug, thinking I was a great parent!!! :)
Good luck!
Posted by: Jill (colicmommy) | February 19, 2007 8:04 AM
Hi L,
I have a son also, and he would also fall into the "strong-willed" category, but I've come accross a wonderful teacher and educator (a mom, too), Mary Sheedy Kurcinka and she coined a term for these children back in 1979 - "Spirited". She has written the best-selling book, "Raising Your Spirirted Child" and a couple more as well. Here is a quick description of the spirited temperment:
Intense: They feel every emotion deeply and powerfully
Persistent: They are committed to their goals
Sensitive: They are keenly aware of sights, sounds, tastes, smells, textures, and sometimes emotions; they feel what others do not
Perceptive: They are visually attuned to the world around them; they may not "hear" directions.
Slow to Adapt: They hate surprises and find in challenging to shift from one thing to another.
Additional possible traits are: irregular, energetic, cautious in new situations, serious.
What is foundational to me in her philosophy, and has revolutionized my parenting, is how she chooses to focus on the positive aspect of these children, and empasizes that the words we use to describe our kids acutally sets us up for how we view them. Think about it - if we label someone "strong-willed" we may start to find ourselves mentally preparing for a 'battle', but if we use the term 'spirited' it creates a whole new menal picture - a much more positive one, and thus, we view our children more positively. I wonder if there is an aspect to his acting out that is connected to how he senses he is veiwed by others. I know that when I am viewing my son negatively because of his challenging behavior (a very natural reaction), he tends to reinforce this by acting more negatively. Mary uses exciting terms to describe the Spirited child (from "Raising Your Spirited Child Workbook") :" lively, creative, keen, eager, full of energy and courage, and having a strong assertive personality. . .. life with spirited children is really a love story, as we recognize their potential and help them develop the skills to manage their temperament well and be successful. The designation "spirited cihld" is used as a tool for understanding. It is never an excuse for poor behavior."
Reading her books is like recieving a big warm hug and hearing someone say "I know how hard it is, it's ok. I'm going to give you some wonderful, practical tools for helping your child, and for parenting from your heart, You can do it" I've also read Dobson's books, and while his advice isn't bad, the tone of his writing almost more combative in regards to how to parent these children. Her books really are life changing and I wish you all the best. I have learned how to be more empathetic with my child, as well as teach him words to use for his strong emotions. Just hearing your descirbe your son, I can tell he's going to do some amazing things someday - probably be a great leader, too. Feel free to email me if you like. I'm also a member of a sprited child yahoo group, and it's a great place for support and advice from other parents of spirited chilren. I'm hoping to attend one of Mary's workshops being held in No. California next month. (She live in Minnesota). Here is her website, too.
http://www.parentchildhelp.com/
Blessings to you and your family!
-Tracy
Posted by: tracy | February 19, 2007 12:20 PM
I am reading a book called "Hold on to your Kids" that suggests that most "strong willed" and defiant behavior comes from poor attachment between parent and child. I used the strategies in the book to try to re-affirm my children and our relationships and I have found them to be very effective. Not only in helping with the discipline problem, but also in helping me have really positive feelings towards my kids and therefore more patience for their short-comings.
Posted by: paigeu | February 19, 2007 11:13 PM
"I am a 29 year old working mother and wife. I work 4 days a week and 1 to 2 weekends a month...............My Husband and I decided after the last situation to place him with a home sitter in order to help with his self esteem."
Is is at all a possibility that your child just needs to have his mama home with him? I don't know your situation, but at this time in his life, a secure and routine home environment with his adoring, consistent and attentive mama would work miracles. Perhaps not the answer you want, but also perhaps the only answer he needs. Pray about it.
Blessings,
Keri
Posted by: Keri | February 20, 2007 12:21 AM
Hey L~
I want to strongly challenge you as I have been challenged by other wise moms to search deeply into my priorities.
Is it possible that you may have your priorities in the wrong place? If your priorities are furthering and/or keeping your career over raising your little boy to be the best he can be, then your priorities are skewed. Of course he is not thriving in daycares and pre~schools, it seems he has had his comfortable place taken from him and that place is Home. Home is where he will excel mentally, socially, and morally all with your prayerful guidance. I'm not just stating a belief or opinion, there have been many studies done and statistics taken to show how much more successful the home is in making successful little people. Read "Home Grown Kids" and you'll find multiple data to back up the case for Home. Especially to protect little boys who have been found, when placed in schools earlier and earlier(as is "the norm" today) to have a higher rate of delinquecy and dropout in High School and double the amount of suspension in their elementary years as girls. You said:
"He really needs to be in a more structured environment with rules and other kids to help with his social skills." I would say that he will not learn how to connect with other children by just throwing him into random association with classmates, etc., but from building a sense of self-worth and a concern for others above self under your loving training and guidance. But I would strongly challenge you, are you putting yourself before him?
I don't know about you, but I don't want to be "the norm". Romans 12:2 "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."
Ditto from above "Pray about it"! You will be answered.
Posted by: graciegirl | February 20, 2007 11:08 AM
I would like to thanks all of the mothers who responded to my email to Barbara. I will look into the many books that were recommended by the respondants. Although all of the comments had excellent points, I would like to comment on what I meant about his self esteem. Rather than have my child to be continually labeled as the "bad child", I placed him an enviroment where he could feel good about himself. Where he didn't have to worry about how the world thought he should behave. Our home is a loving and nurturing one. My son is loved and constantly reminded of how much he is loved and how he will grow up to be a great man. If I were fortunate enough to stay home and care for my child I would, or if I had the leisure of being able to attend play dates several times a week, I would. My life just doesn't allow for that, but don't mistake what I am saying. My son and I read books together several nights a week, we go shopping, to basketball games, bike riding, and even prepare meals together. Our family eats dinner together every night. For us to live, I must work and so must his father. I will definitely get to reading and hopefully by the time the school year comes around we will be on our way to better behavior. Thanks again to everyone and to Tracey for the additional websites and my new term :spirited!
Posted by: L | February 26, 2007 12:38 AM
hi my name is crystal and i have two boys who are way out of control my five year old son don.t want to listen he talk back and try to hit and jump at me and he beat up his old brother, my ten year old son don.t want to listen or do anything he told too and he jump at me and he beat up his young brother both boys just don.t want to listen for anything what can i do i try everything
Posted by: crystal horton | May 27, 2007 6:47 PM
